The chemicals are restless in my head...

Exiting onto Elmwood again, Jared laced his fingers through mine and pulled me against him, his momentary jealousy and discomfort having already disappeared.

We walked Elmwood all the way down to Home of the Hits, stopping in between at Damsel in a Dress, Everything Elmwood, Neighborhood Collective, Plum Pudding, Shoe Fly, Talking Leaves, and Urban Clothing Co.

We spent a long time in Talking Leaves, Jared delighting in the idea of an independent book store. He must have looked at every single shelf twice before I pulled him out of there, a bag containing a Buddhism book and Frida Kahlo calendar hanging contentedly from his fingers.

When we were in Damsel in a Dress, he made me come out and show him every dress I tried on. Amused, I did as he said and blushed as he repeatedly complimented me.

Nothing stood out to me until the end. It was the only hanger I had left in the dressing room. I almost didn’t try it on, frustrated with my inability to find something I loved. The store had always had something new and perfect every time I went in, but this time seemed a failure.

I chewed on my lip as I looked at the last article. My eyes traveled along the dark red ribbon tracing the boning down the torso. The entire thing appeared hand-sewn in red and white thread, stark against the black fabric. I picked it up and turned it around, my eyes drawn to the thicker ribbon lacing up the back. I grinned, knowing I had to put it on.

Before emerging, I pulled on my jeans and poked my head around the curtain. I called the saleswoman over, asking her into the dressing room to fully lace me up, tight. Jared would have happily done it, but I didn’t want him to see it until the end. The woman smiled when she was done and told me it fit perfectly. I knew she was just trying to sell it, but she was right. It was perfect.

Grinning, I pushed the curtain to the side and stepped into the store. Jared immediately got up from the ottoman he was sitting on while he waited. There was something different in his eyes this time, different than the dresses I had put on.

"Is that...a corset?" he asked as he walked towards me. A smile was playing on the corners of his mouth.
I gave a small nod, trying to decipher his eyes. There was a heat to them, a lust I rarely saw. I watched as his eyes traveled from my bare shoulders, across my chest, and to my waist before returning his gaze to mine. Desire.

"You are gorgeous," he said slowly, quietly.

I blushed and crossed my arms across my chest, embarrassed for reasons I didn’t know. "Thanks," I said, focusing on the floor.

He leaned down and kissed my gently, pulling my head up, before pushing me back into the dressing room, a warm glow in his eyes.

"Take it off and hand it out to me," he said through the curtain.

"Why?" I asked, the hanger in my hand.

"Because I’m buying it."

"What?!"

"I’m buying it," he said slower.

"Nuh uh."

"Mmm hmm."

"Jared, I don’t want you to buy it for me."

"Who said it’s for you?" I could hear the tease in his voice, but my mouth immediately fell open. Closing it, I handed it to him around the edge of the curtain. I pulled my shirt back over my head and slipped my jacket on before emerging. Jared was at the counter, money in hand.

I walked up beside him and kissed him lightly on the cheek, blushing as the saleswoman watched us, an entertained smile upon her face. With his change in hand, I swept the black bag delightedly from the counter and followed Jared out of the store.

After stops at Shoe Fly, where Jared insisted again on buying me a pair of shoes to go with the corset, and then the Lexington Co-op, where I bought my favorite granola I had been missing and a couple blueberry muffins, we finally stopped at Hero and purchased a few posters before returning to the apartment.

When we walked in the door, Shannon was sprawled out across the couch, a beer in one hand and the remote in the other. He was flipping absentmindedly through the channels, not paying much attention to anything, but he immediately jumped up when he heard us enter.

"Took you long enough," he said irritably as he walked over.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were down at Kevin's," I asked.

"Yeah, I was, but then I went for a walk, and I just ended up back here. Keys bro?"

Jared tossed him the keys and started to ask where he was going, but the door closed behind him before he could get the words out. He glanced at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't care, Jared and I had the apartment to ourselves now. We carried the bags into the bedroom, but I left them piled in front of the closet doors.

"Still feeling sick?" Jared asked from the doorway.

"Thankfully, no," I said. "I could go for some lunch though."

"In or out?"

"Out, I think. We don't really have anything here except granola and muffins."

So we walked back outside and down a couple of blocks to Mighty Taco. Yes, it was fast food, but it was the most delicious Mexican fast food you could find...in the country. Most definitely better than Taco Bell. Not to mention cheap.

After two bean burritos each, we walked back up the street to the apartment, bickering about how to spend the rest of the afternoon before dinner and going out again with Kevin and Sarah. I wanted to watch a movie, but he didn't want to let me, predicting that I would fall asleep.

But I won the argument and we settled on the couch to watch Magnolia.

As Jared predicted, I fell asleep only half an hour into the movie, my head resting in his lap. When I woke up, it was noticeably darker in the room. The clock read 5:17. I turned onto my back and looked up at Jared. He had fallen asleep too, his torso slumped to the side at almost ninety degrees with his head against the armrest. I suppressed a laugh and quietly sat up. I stretched and shut the television off. As soon as I did, Jared stirred. He frowned slightly and his hand felt around where my head had just been, searching for my hair or any part of me that told him I was still there. When he didn't find it, he slowly blinked his eyes open and straightened up.

"Fuck, my back," he muttered quietly, then looked over at me.

"Hypocrite," I shot at him.

"What?" he mumbled, still half asleep.

I grinned, but tried to look as scornful as possible. "You didn't want to watch a movie because you said I would fall asleep. But YOU DID TOO. So ha." I stuck out my tongue at him.

He seemed fully awake now, and he leaned over and grabbed me around the waist before I could move out of the way. "You fell asleep first," he said simply, his hands making a move to tickle me.

But I twisted away and fell onto the floor.

"Oomphugh," I grumbled as my elbow collided with the foot of the couch. I heard him laughing above me and crawled away from his feet before standing. "Not cool," I said indignantly.

"It's not like I pushed you," he said, hands held up in defense.

I wrinkled my nose at him and made for the bedroom. "An hour till we leave," I called over my shoulder. But as soon as I was in the room, arms grabbed me from behind and tossed me onto the bed.

"Jesus Christ!" I exploded. "I think I just had a fucking heart attack."

"Are we feeling dramatic this evening?" Jared asked, his voice teasing.

I pouted, crossing my arms across my chest. He pounced onto the bed beside me, but before I could retaliate in any way, his arm was around my back and his lips were forcefully pressed against mine. I slowly reclined until he was above me. His fingers were already toying with the bottom of my shirt when I scooted out from beneath him. He collapsed on the bed and growled lowly at me.

"We have to get ready to go!" I said in response to his stare.

He still didn't move.

"Come on, please? This is our last night here..."

His annoyed, defiant persona fell as he realized the emotion behind my words. He could tell I was reluctant about having to leave tomorrow. He got up from the bed and walked over to me in front of the closet. I watched him approach, my emotions growing quickly and threatening to spill. He slid his arms around me and pulled me tightly against him. I nuzzled my head into his neck, absorbing his support and empathy. After a few long moments, he pulled away, kissed me lightly on the forehead, and disappeared through the bedroom door without a word.

When he had left, I reminded myself that I still had this night. This night to be with my friends, and the next morning to see Eva again. And then I would be going back to my other home, with Jared and my other family, in LA. And it would be okay.

Sighing heavily, I rummaged through my closet while I decided what exactly I wanted to do that night, determining what clothes I wore. Of the few clothes that were still there and not in California, I pulled out a black and white striped v-neck sweater. Shedding my Inspi(RED) t-shirt from earlier that day, I pulled it over my head. I took off the guitar pick necklace and fastened the turquoise one on instead, matching the ring already on my finger. I swept my hair back, sticking a few turquoise clips in to hold back stray pieces, and stepped into a pair of turquoise heels I had bought earlier. No dancing tonight, but I still felt the need to dress up.

I exited the bedroom and sat next to Jared at a stool in the kitchen. He glanced away from his laptop and looked me up and down, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "You look wonderful," he said softly. "Where are we going?"

"Chippewa," I said hesitantly.

His face immediately darkened, in surprise and concern, not anger. "You sure?"

I looked away, not wanting to answer. But he silently demanded one. "No, honestly, I’m not sure. But I can’t avoid it for the rest of my life when I’m come back here to visit. It’s a part of the city I love that I frequent with my friends. I’m going to avoid Quote, but I can’t avoid the street, the atmosphere. We’re going to go to SoHo. No dancing, just drinks."

He seemed unsure, not wanting to believe me. But again, he knew this night meant a lot to me, so he shrugged it off. "Alright, when are we leaving?"

"I don’t know, I’ll call Sarah," I said reaching over him for the phone. She picked up after the first ring.

"Darling, where are you? We’ve been waiting for you to call."

"We just got back and got changed," I said laughing. "You guys want to come down here before we go out? It’s a little early yet."

"Yeah, sure, fifteen minutes," Sarah responded, abruptly disconnecting the call.

I stared at the receiver in wonder for a few moments before laughing again and hanging it up. "Fifteen minutes," I said to Jared in answer to his quizzical look. He just nodded and turned back to his laptop. What he was doing I didn’t know, but I left him to it, settling on the couch with the remote until Sarah and Kevin arrived.

Jared answered the door when they knocked, leaving his laptop to collapse next to me on the couch, Sarah and Kevin settling on the opposite couch.

"Where we going?" Sarah asked.

"I was thinking SoHo," I said, anticipating a reaction something like, ‘What?! No dancing?!’ Luckily, her reaction was the opposite.

"Cool, cool," was all she said. Apparently she had been hoping for an answer like that, for she too was not in her usual dancing clothes. "Ooooo cute shoes!" she exclaimed, the bright turquoise attracting her gaze.

"Thanks," I said grinning. "Shoe Fly, of course."

"Of course," she repeated, wrinkling her nose. She preferred the numerous shoe stores in the mall, but Shoe Fly would always be my favorite. More than 2/3 of the shoes in my collection were found there, and Sarah had always borrowed my shoes when I lived full-time in Buffalo, but she would never admit that she liked them. She could have a lot of pride and determination sometimes.

I shook myself out of the nostalgia and got up, grabbing two beers and two bottles of water from the refrigerator. Returning, I handed the beers to Kevin and Sarah and one of the water bottles to Jared before sitting back down beside him. There was something in the atmosphere, something almost tangible. I was apprehensive about seeing Eva tomorrow, and I was sad about having to leave. I could tell Sarah and Kevin were feeling the same things I was. And Jared, well, I couldn’t read him as easily as always. He was an emotional cocktail, I could tell. I guessed he missed his house, his dogs, his city, but he was happy to be here with me as well. I could tell he was anxious to get back and didn’t necessarily want to go out tonight, but he was going to be supportive for me. He knew the next day wouldn’t be easy in any way. We were all a little withdrawn, quiet.

Just then, Jared’s blackberry rang, breaking the silence. I immediately recognized the separate ringtone that indicated a call from his brother. I looked at Jared as he answered.

"Hey Shan. Where are you?...Okay…We’re going out in a little while, but we’ll wait."

"What?" I asked him when he hung up.

"I don’t know where he was," Jared said shrugging, "but he’s on his way back to the hotel. He said he was going to shower and then come over if we’re going to be around. So I said we’d wait."

I glanced at the clock. 7:30. We had plenty of time. "Absolutely," I said. "Now let’s watch Jeopardy." I grabbed the remote off of the coffee table, stealing a glance at Sarah. It had been a tradition with us when she had worked at Salvatore’s too for a few months. Our shifts on Tuesdays ended at 7:00, so she would come over, we would have a drink, and then watch Jeopardy at 7:30. There was a smile on her face that surely matched mine as we both remembered the tradition.

By the time Jeopardy was over, Shannon was there, sitting comfortably on the other side of me on the couch, beer in hand. I waited until he finished, then stood up. Everyone immediately followed, assuming it was time to go.

We exited the apartment and started walking towards Chippewa. As we went, I held tightly to Jared’s gloved hand, flashing back to my walk to Quote just a few nights before. He must have sensed my anxiety, because he pulled on my hand, bringing my body closer against his, his pace falling into step with mine.

When we reached SoHo, I relaxed a little bit. We found a table in the back and ordered drinks. When they came, I decided my vodka would be my only drink that night. I wanted to enjoy it, remember it, not have drunken bits and pieces of memories of the night. With the way I was feeling, not wanting to leave, I knew that was a distinct possibility, so I chose self-control. It was a little bit self-preservation as well, knowing Jared wouldn’t be the happiest if I, at the age of 20, was completely drunk.

We stayed at SoHo for three and a half hours. It was midnight when we decided to leave, so we filed out of the bar, Sarah, Kevin, and Shannon walking ahead, Jared and I trailing behind. I stopped abruptly, Jared’s hand tugging on my wrist as he continued to walk. Realizing I wasn’t moving anymore, he stopped as well and came back to my side.

"What’s going on?" he asked quietly, glancing quickly ahead at our friends getting farther away.

"Will you do something with me?" I asked, disregarding his question. He paused, examining me, but I looked down at a crack in the sidewalk. "Please." I whispered.

"Of course," he said. He let go of my hand and ran to catch up with Shannon. I watched as they exchanged words, then Jared came back to me. I shoved my hands into my pockets and started walking back towards Chippewa. "Where are we going?" he asked as he caught back up to me.

But I didn’t answer. I shook my head and looked briefly at him, pleading. No questions. He would find out soon enough, if he didn’t already have an idea.

We turned a corner and the electric green sign came into view. Jared immediately grabbed my elbow, stopping me in my tracks.

"What happened to avoiding Quote?" he demanded.

I shrank away slightly at his harsh tone. I knew it was only him wanting to protect me, afraid for me, but the tone was not pleasant.

"I’m facing my demons," I shot back at him. It wasn’t intentional, but I was sounding harsh now too. Tension filled the air between us. He definitely didn’t want me going inside. "I need to do this," I said, my words not leaving any room for debate. I pulled my arm from his grasp, my hands leaving my pockets. "I’m going in there, whether you come with me or not. But it would probably be better if you did," I said, softening my tone.

His gaze was still hard, but I stood my ground, waiting to see what he was going to do. He briefly paced in a small circle as I watched, his hands running through his hair. He stopped and looked at me, checking to make sure I really was serious, then took my hand in his. He wasn’t happy about it, but he was still going to support me.

Reassured, I walked through the door into the dark club. Immediately the mediocre music filled my ears while my eyes adjusted to the dim light. I felt Jared close behind me as the crowd influenced our direction, but I pushed through, my destination the back corner.

I felt Jared pull back on my hand as I reached the door, trying one last time to stop me, but nothing was going to stop me. I needed this.

I pushed through the door and felt Jared’s hand drop from mine. A part of me wondered if he was going to stay outside, but I was too preoccupied to dwell.

I froze as the door swung closed behind me. There he was, standing in the corner. A menacing grin on his face, he recognized me. But he remained silent. I dropped my gaze from his, afraid he would pull me in before I could stop myself, with Jared right outside the door. I looked to the floor, the discarded needles making me nauseous. There were two girls passed out in the corner. I looked closer and realized they were the same two girls from my previous visit. I used to be them, I thought. Here every night. And immediately I started flashing back. Not to three nights before, but to the numerous, countless nights I had spent there, in the corner, after Dan died. Passed out, or in a daze. Trying to be numb, take away the pain. Trying to feel alive, invincible. Forever wanting the bliss and perfection you could only attain if you reached the high. I started pacing, out of touch with my surroundings. My head was spinning, as memory upon memory, vision upon vision of that bathroom floor flashed before my eyes at the speed of light. It was dizzying. The pain I felt on those nights came rushing back in an instant, and I wanted the high again. I wanted it all.

Suddenly, I crashed into something. Something that wrapped its arms around me, holding me still. Faintly, I heard yelling around me. Somebody wasn’t happy.

I started drifting back to the present, the memories fading but the desire for a ziploc bag from the man in the corner still strong.

It was Jared, that’s who was holding me. And he was yelling at the man in the corner. Was I crying? Yes, I was. I started laughing, then slowly tuned into the argument.

"You can’t be in here!" the man was shouting. "This is a women’s bathroom!"

"You’re a man!" Jared yelled back. "A despicable excuse for a fucking human being!"

The man rolled his eyes and dismissed the comment. "Is she going to buy, or what? Are you?"

"NO! SHE’S NOT GOING TO FUCKING BUY, AND NEITHER AM I!" Jared screamed even louder.

"Yes I am," I said through my laughs.

Jared looked down at me, not aware I was back in the present. He blinked at my comment before responding. "No, you’re not," he said forcefully.

"Okay," I answered simply, still laughing.

I was there, but I wasn’t. I was easily influenced, and Jared could tell. Obviously, my idea had been a bad one, so he led me out of the bathroom and through the club quickly, his hands never leaving my arms.

We walked back to the apartment in silence. He held onto me, most likely out of fear I would turn around and try to go back. His grip was rough, forceful. As I slowly came completely back to the world from whatever trance my flashbacks had put me in, I sensed his anger. But it was more than that. It was disappointment. I had disappointed him. And I started crying silently all over again.

When we reached the apartment and the door was safely closed and locked, he finally let me go. I walked directly into the bedroom, kicked off my heels, and buried myself in the covers. I felt awful, like I had let him down. Like I wasn’t strong enough to handle the shit I needed to handle. I was a disappointment.

I felt his weight on the bed beside me, but I didn’t bring my head above the covers. We stayed there for a long time, me hiding, him waiting, until we both were calm. Or at least, calmer.

I felt him tug at the sheets, so I released my grip and let him pull them down. My head level with his chest, I tipped it up, searching for his eyes. When I found them, I saw they were filled with apology. Concern and fear were there too.

"I can’t face my demons," I whispered, barely audible. "I can’t do it."

"It’s okay," he said quietly. He pulled me against him and I buried my head in his chest. "It’s okay," I heard him whisper again, his fingers running through my hair.

Emotionally exhausted, I almost immediately passed out.