The chemicals are restless in my head...

I really really really don't like this one.
But maybe you will.  <33

I slowly became aware of hands gently shaking my shoulders, then fingers stroking my forehead, brushing strands of hair to the side. I opened my eyes to greet the morning but quickly closed them again, the bright sunlight too much for my eyes to handle. I stubbornly turned to my side, towards the warm body beside me, and burrowed my face into his chest. I heard him laugh softly, his body shaking with the simple action. I smiled and tipped my head up slightly, allowing a tiny sliver of light to reach my eyes. Small increments were the only way to go, but the light still hurt when my eyes were fully open. I scooted up on my back until my head was level with Jared’s on the pillow. I winced and closed my eyes again before pulling the sheets up to my chin.

"What’s the matter?" Jared asked.

"My head," I mumbled. "Throbbing…stabbing…"

"Migraine," Jared said, recognizing the signs and lowering the volume of his voice.

"I guess," I said slowly. "I haven’t had one in years, but I used to get them all the time." I rolled onto my side again and Jared’s arms encompassed me.

"What can I do?" he whispered.

"Um, there’s Excedrin in the bathroom," I said after a few moments, my brow furrowed as I tried to think.

I felt him leave me, heard him rummage through the medicine cabinet, and return a few minutes later with two pills. I hurriedly swallowed them dry and lay still again.

Suddenly, the day’s events dawned on me. "What time is it?" I asked, trying to sit up.

"8:30. That’s why I woke you," came Jared’s response. "Sarah and Kevin will be here in an hour, and Shannon with the car, and then we have to go. Visiting hours start at 10:00 I think you said."

"Right…" I murmured and tentatively opened my eyes. Burning, searing pain greeted me. I quickly shaded my eyes with my hand. It helped, a little. Jared reached over to the window and drew the curtains, making the room as dark as possible.

"I have to…shower," I said with difficulty, each thought requiring immeasurable effort.

"Wait here," Jared said. I did as I was told, not wanting to move yet anyway, and heard him pull the shade down for me in the bathroom as well. "Okay," he said when he reentered the bedroom. "Are you alright?" he asked with concern, moving to my side as I rose from the bed.

"Yeah, I’m fine," I reassured him. "Not dizzy or anything, just…painful. It should be better soon, Excedrin is magic."

"Okay…" he said, trying to believe me, and he watched as I made my way into the bathroom.

Forty-five minutes later, I was showered and dressed, the intensity of my headache slowing my actions but already cut in half. I threw the bottle of pills into my purse, along with my Demerol, and pulled a hoodie over my head. I needed comfort.

I emerged from the bedroom and froze, squinting into the brightly lit living room. Sensitivity to light? Yep, still there. I waited for my eyes to adjust, then noticed Sarah, Kevin, and Jared sitting on the couch watching me. There was of course a look of concern on Jared’s face, but looks of amusement teasing me on Sarah and Kevin’s faces. I wrinkled my nose at them and Jared pulled me down into his lap to wait for Shannon.

By the time he got there, fifteen minutes late, my headache was substantially less and it didn’t hurt to have my eyes open anymore.

We rode in silence to the center. I could tell Shannon was nervous. Sarah and Kevin were supporting each other, their hands clasped, and Jared was tightly gripping the wheel. He kept glancing over at me, not wanting to remove his gaze from the road but unable to help himself. I had been relatively okay Friday afternoon, but he was still worried after the previous night’s events.

I slumped against the window, trying to avoid him. I knew I should have been thankful for the support, but what seemed like his constant concern was filling the car, suffocating.

When we arrived, Jared flew out of the car and met me on the other side. I took the Excedrin and Demerol bottles out of my bag and left them in the car out of fear they would be confiscated when I entered the center.

Sarah and Kevin started walking ahead and Jared grabbed my hand as I closed the car door. Impulsively, I twisted away from his touch and took a few steps forward. He stopped and stared at me, taken by surprise.

"I’m okay," I snapped at him. "I don’t need you to hold my hand all the time."

Almost immediately I blushed, ashamed of my outburst, but instead of apologizing, I turned forward again and started walking. When I got to the door, I didn’t follow Sarah and Kevin through. Instead, I turned around, searching for Jared. I found him back where I had left him, talking quietly with Shannon. I figured Shannon was trying to un-confuse him, tell him I just wasn’t in a good place right now and that I most likely didn’t mean to snap at him. But I should have been saying it.

Jared nodded a few times and Shannon started approaching, walking past me into the center. Jared stayed stationary, looking at me. I crossed my arms over my chest, uncomfortable in his gaze, until he shakily ran a hand through his hair and walked up beside me.

"I’m sorry," I blurted out as soon as he arrived.

"Don’t be," he said, holding up a hand to keep me from protesting. "If you need space, just tell me."

"I don’t," I insisted, shaking my head vigorously. "I need you with me whether I act like I do or not." I wove my fingers through his as he had done before in an effort to reinforce my words.

"Okay," he said giving in. He bent to kiss me lightly before we pushed through the doors.

After my bag was searched and determined clean, Jared and I found Sarah, Kevin, Shannon, and Eva all sitting in the "living room" talking. We sat down as well and I allowed myself to fade into the background, observing yet not participating.

It was a bittersweet visit, I decided. I loved seeing Eva, being there with all the people that were the most important to me, but it still didn’t feel right. Like she didn’t belong there. Because she didn’t. And when she got out, I vowed to talk to her. Really TALK to her. Find out what happened, what got her there, in the center.

Eva was delighting in our presence, especially Shannon’s. Most of the time, he looked completely and blissfully happy, but there were moments when I could see his concern flickering underneath. He was just like his brother, always worried for the one he loved. I smiled to myself and turned my attention to Sarah. I knew Sarah. She was more upset then than she let on, but she was also hopeful. Hopeful something like this would never happen again, and hopeful Eva would make it out of here soon, never to return. And Jared, well Jared was tuned in to me. He knew I wasn’t there, paying attention to the conversations. But I reached over and squeezed his hand, my feeble attempt at reassurance. He turned his head back to the rest of the group, but he wasn’t convinced.

Two hours later, we left. I promised I would be back around Christmas, only a month away. Eva held frantically to me as we hugged goodbye. Part of me wanted to stay with her, stay until she could walk out of the doors with me, but the larger part of me needed to leave. It was survival.

I forced her gaze to mine and promised, swore again and again, that I would be back, I would call, and she still had Kevin and Sarah here in Buffalo for her. I reassured her, she could call me any time she needed anything, or didn’t need anything. Finally, she let me go and whispered a goodbye before turning to Shannon. I took the opportunity to slip through the doors and to the car, Jared following closely behind me.

"Are you okay?" he asked me once he was sitting behind the wheel again.

I didn’t answer, just pressed my lips together and shook my head. Not yet.

He sighed and faced forward in the car, watching as Shannon, Sarah, and Kevin approached. He was about to speak again, but it was too late. They were getting into the car.

"Lunch?" Kevin asked from the backseat.

"Can’t," I said quickly. "Our flight leaves in a little over two hours, and I haven’t re-packed yet." Truthfully, I didn’t know if I could hold a conversation that wasn’t between me and Jared.

But we dropped Kevin, Sarah, and Eva off at a restaurant around the corner from the apartment, and Shannon said he’d walk over when they were done. He had already checked out of the hotel, his bags in the trunk.

Back at the apartment, we slowly ascended the stairs and I tried to prepare myself for whatever came next. As soon as we closed the door behind us, Jared started talking.

"This is my fault. You asked me not to let you go there again, to the club, and then I did. I didn’t fight you hard enough. I didn’t stop you like you asked me to." Taken by surprise, I spun around and sought his gaze. His eyes screamed, I failed you.

"Jesus fucking Christ Jared!" I said, my voice louder than my intentions. I started pacing, the conversation blowing up faster that I had figured. He blinked at me, speechless. "Your fault?! It’s my fault and my fault only. I didn’t have to ignore your pleading last night. I didn’t have to go back there. I didn’t have to...I just didn’t have to," I said, losing my focus, my supply of words. My head was beginning to throb again, the Excedrin wearing off and the sensitivity to noise kicking in. This sensitivity amplified his tone, my tone. It wasn’t pretty.

"Then what the fuck do you want me to say?" Jared demanded. "I can’t get inside your head this time. I don’t know what you’re thinking, and I sure as hell don’t know what you’re feeling. So the only thing I can do is take responsibility and hope that it makes this…better for you."

It was my turn to be speechless. "Then let me just inform you, it doesn’t make it better." He just ran a hand shakily through his hair, a nervous habit. "It makes me guilty. Guilty that you feel responsible when the only person holding responsibility should be me."

"You weren’t there, at the center," he said, changing the course of the conversation. "What’s going on?"

"What’s going on, is that I had to face something uncomfortable this morning without even understanding what the fuck happened last night. That’s what’s going on. I wasn’t ready. But I did it, and now I have to think," I said quickly, turning away from him and sitting down on the couch, my chin resting on my hand.

"Then think," he said quietly, disappointment in his voice. He walked past me and into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. I sat back on the couch, then fell over, curling myself into a ball, seeking comfort in the folds of my hoodie.

For a while, I simply wondered what he was doing, in there, by himself. If he was upset, or if he was just waiting for me. But then I forced myself to return to the reasons he was in there. It was true, going to the center had been a bad idea, and if there had been a choice, I wouldn’t have gone until I had figured Quote out. But it wasn’t a perfect world, and I didn’t have the luxury of time. I didn’t have it that morning, and I surely didn’t have it now.

So what had happened in that bathroom?

Reluctantly, I called back the sensations, the flashbacks, the numbing, spinning memories. It was less intense, but it still had an effect. I started shaking, fear filling every cell of my body. I had to do this, I couldn’t keep going back, over and over and over again.

I pushed deeper, deeper into the cobweb filled depths of my mind. Repressed memories floated to the surface, pushing previous visions out of the way. And there were more to follow. I subconsciously felt the tears begin to fall, black rivers running down my cheeks, the mascara staining the couch. I forced each image to slow down before the next could take its place. With each examination came a new sense of self-loathing, and I was pushed deeper into the black abyss.

Finally, Dan appeared before my eyes as he had three nights prior. If it was even possible, I curled myself tighter around my knees, recoiling at his figure. I let him stay, wanting him to say something. To let me go, to push me out of the abyss. But he remained silent, stationary.

I waited, my eyes squeezed tightly shut. I wanted to keep the world out, to focus on him and only him. His wavering image steadied and became clearer. Familiarity slammed into my body as I yearned for a real-life version of the picture in front of my eyes, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. He stayed there for a while, watching me watch him. At times, it looked like he was smiling, amused by my situation. But his presence, imagined or not, was settling. A reminder of what could come if I ever let the want of a zip-lock bag take over.

Eventually, he faded from view and I was left with only black. Slowly, I opened my eyes. I felt better, okay even. But I didn’t know why. I hadn’t figured anything out. All I had done was…see Dan.

I sat up as I had before, my chin resting in my hands. My gaze turned to the bedroom door, and as if I had given off a signal, it opened. Jared stepped forward and leaned against the doorframe. His eyes locked onto mine and he dove inside my head. He determined my level of stability, sanity, and withdrew. A look came into his eyes that was unfamiliar. I stood and walked around the coffee table, to the bedroom door. He dropped his eyes to the floor and ran a hand through his hair, letting it fall in a curtain to hide his eyes from mine. But I wouldn’t let him hide. I needed to know what his eyes held, what he was trying to hide.

I lightly touched his chin and he lifted his head. His hair slipped back and framed his face, the crystal blue of his eyes standing out against the black of each strand. He blinked under my hardening gaze, shrinking into the wood at his back.

Anger flared inside me as I recognized the emotion held captive in his eyes. It was an anger stronger than any anger I had ever had towards him. He saw it and tried to move away, to put some distance between our bodies, but my fingers still on his chin moved to the side and my palm made contact with his cheek.

I heard the slap and something inside me broke. I hadn’t meant to do that. I could see the red blotch on his face and guilt wracked my body. He was staring at me in disbelief, his eyes watering. I quickly stepped past him into the bedroom and crossed to the closet.

"Fuck," I heard him mutter behind me. "What was that?" he asked, his voice louder.

"Don’t you dare pity me," I said lowly, my voice harsh, keeping my back to him. I worked quickly, pulling a messenger bag out of the back of my closet. I threw my notebook, ipod, and an extra sweatshirt in before turning to him.

"Pity?" he asked, his hand pressed against his cheek where my hand had made contact.

"I can see it in your eyes," I said, spitting the words out. "It’s coming off of your body in waves, and I don’t want it, nor do I need it." I moved to the top drawer of the dresser and removed the camera safely stored in the back. I laid it in the bag, then slung it over my shoulder.

"Where are you going?" he asked desperately as I walked past him again, back into the living room.

"Dunkirk," I said simply. "I’m not ready to go back with you. So you go, or find a later flight. Whatever you want. But right now, I can’t be here."

He still stood in the doorway, not knowing what to say. I shook my head and entered the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle out of the refrigerator. By the time I was heading for the door, Jared was standing in front of it, his coat draped over his arm and gloves already on.
"What do you want?" I demanded.

"I’m going with you," he said, ignoring my tone, ignoring the anger rising in my eyes, in the atmosphere between us.

"No," I said simply.

He stepped closer to me. He was only an inch taller, but when standing directly in front of me, his form towered, intimidated. And he knew it. "Yes, I am." His voice was darker, lower. He caught my eyes and held them for a few moments until I finally blinked and looked away in surrender. I pushed past him and out the door, listening to his footsteps firmly behind me on the stairs. I walked down the few blocks to Kevin’s, Jared trailing behind me the entire way, and thankfully saw Sarah’s car parked out front. I knocked on the door and tried to mask the pleading look I knew was in my eyes, but my efforts were futile. As soon as she opened the door, her eyes widened. She knew something was up, but she also knew I wasn’t going to tell her yet.

"Keys?" I asked quietly, glancing quickly over my shoulder at Jared, standing at the bottom of the concrete steps.

"Of course," she answered, understanding what I wanted immediately, and she ducked back inside the house for a moment, returning with keys in hand. She dropped them into my outstretched hand, then quickly pulled me to her for a hug.

"I’ll have it back by tonight," I whispered against her ear before she released me and smiled faintly.

I walked to the convertible, the top up for the cool weather and got in the driver’s seat. As I started the car, Jared slid into the passenger’s seat, slamming the door behind him. He looked forcefully at me, daring me to protest his presence. I shut my mouth and turned back to the road, pulling into traffic.

Entering onto the thruway, my body went on autopilot and I let my mind go blank. This time, it stayed blank. From the corner of my eye, I would catch Jared watching me sometimes. Once every so often, his fingers would trace his cheek. The red mark was gone, any evidence of my mistakenly misdirected violence erased from the world, the only knowledge held in our minds.

As I pulled into the drive, I slowed the car, questioning if this is where I really should be. But when I took in the familiar buildings, the crystal lake ahead, past the fence, I knew it was right. I parked next to the administration building and got out, beginning to walk without waiting for Jared to catch up. But he did anyway.

I veered toward the activity center, walking past its edge onto the overgrown trail in the woods. Eventually, I reached a fork and took the left path, downhill. The trail ended up running parallel to the water. I passed the usual crossing point, wanting to avoid cold water, and continued further to a tree that had fallen across. On the other side, I walked along the bend in the stream until I reached another crossing, convenient rocks sticking out of the water. I crossed that as well, walked up a small crest, and stopped. The rocky beach lay before me, the lake just past that, and the smell of fish almost non-existent. There was a small wooden cross sticking out of the rocks near the water, similar to the one above at the point.

I took a deep breath and walked towards the water, stopping at a rock protruding from the nearby cliff. Jared, who had been following at a distance behind me, continued past me and sat down on a log twenty or so feet ahead. He faced the water, but from my angle on the rock, I could almost his entire profile. His back was hunched, one hand holding up his chin. The breeze blew black hair across his face, and every now and then he would reach up and brush it back.

I knew I was being unfair to him. All he tried to do was help me, understand what was going on in my head. And what had I done? I had cut him off again, not speaking, not open, not apologizing. My level of guilt went up and I wanted nothing more than to run to him, sit beside him on the log, and be wrapped in his arms.

Instead, I got up and moved past Jared to the water’s edge, stepping back every few moments to avoid each wave. I walked slowly, examining the rocks beneath my feet, looking for small pieces of smooth glass. I felt him watch me, now walking in front of him instead of at his back.

I didn’t know why I was there. There was an intrinsic calm it had always provided me. It settled my nerves, doubts, and insecurities, and somehow repeatedly made the difficult things seem less difficult.

After an hour, I was ready to move on. I walked past Jared, still not saying a word, and continued towards the rock crossing again. I stopped at the top of the crest and looked back, but he was still sitting on the log. I chewed on my lip, torn as to what I should do. But I couldn’t leave him down here, by himself. He didn’t know his way around.

I called his name softly, the wind carrying my voice, capturing his attention. He turned and searched the beach for me, stopping when he found my figure. He stood and moved toward me, a questioning look in his eye. He wasn’t sure if I would wait for him, or if I was going to start walking ahead of him again.

But this time, I waited. He stopped when he was beside me, testing a tentative smile. I smiled back and laced my fingers through his. I hoped my eyes spoke volumes, words of apology. I wasn’t ready to talk yet, but I needed the physical contact. I needed him to know my guilt.

I took a different trail out of the woods, exiting along the fence at the top of the cliff. Instead of following the wire to the point, I cut across the grass, through a circle of cabins, to Mother’s Memorial, Jared’s hand still in mine, his footsteps beside me.

Reaching the building, I ascended the wooden steps to the expansive porch. Spying one of many wooden swings, I smiled again and dragged Jared to it, sitting down comfortably. He sat next to me and wrapped an arm around my back to my shoulder, pulling me tightly against him. I stared ahead at the water beyond the pillars and benches that marked numerous nights of perfection. I smiled faintly with the memories, then turned my attention back to Jared. I pulled away from him slightly, only enough to make eye contact.  I wanted him to say something.  Affirmation that he was okay, that we were okay, but he waited for me to speak first.

"I'm sorry I slapped you," I whispered, reaching out to his cheek.  His eyes closed in response to my touch and my voice.

"It's okay," he said, his eyes flicking open slowly.

I shook my head back and forth, disbelieving his words.  "No, it's really, really not. There’s no excuse for it.”

“I don’t want an excuse.  I want to know, what’s going on?” There were shades of desperation in his voice.

“Truthfully, I’m not entirely sure,” I said.  “What I know for sure is that going to Quote is not the way to face my demons.  It’s the way to let them take over.”

“Yeah, I got that much,” he said.  “But what happened, when you were there?”

I chewed on the corner of my lip, trying to form words.  “Everything.  Everything happened.  All of the nights I spent there were forced in front of my eyes.  But, it wasn’t a confrontation with them that let me deal with it, let it go, or anything like that.  It was like my brain was working against me, out of spite.  Forcing me to remember, wanting to drive me back there again.  So I gave in, I went back.  Every part of me wanted it, badly.  But you came in, you caught me, and you dragged me out of there before I made a mistake.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you go in there,” he said softly.  “But you were so…determined.  So steady, hard.  I just, put my anxiety aside and let you go.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you?” he asked, surprised.

“Yeah.  Thank you.  It may not seem like it was a good thing to you, but I needed that to happen.  I needed to find out that, I really can’t go back there to try and get past it all.  I needed to know that, even though I pushed you away, again, you are still here.  I needed it all to happen so that I could come here again.  So this place, this home, could make it better.”

“Did it make it better?”

‘Yes, I think it did.  It…put everything in perspective.  I didn’t consciously realize it happened until we were down at the beach.  I just, felt like me again.  Like the idiot who slapped you across the face when it was completely undeserved.

“It wasn’t pity,” Jared said after a moment.  “It was nothing like pity.  But it’s probably something you’ve never seen from me before, which is my own fault.”  He stopped talking, as though he wasn’t sure he wanted to continue.

“What was it?” I prodded.

“Admiration.”

“Huh?”  I was taken by surprise.

“Admiration,” he repeated.  “When you were in the living room today, I was laying in bed.  Just laying there.  I was trying to think of ways I could help you.  I honestly didn’t know whether you needed me, or you needed me to leave you alone.  Eventually I got around to what it was you were thinking about.  Facing your demons like you had tried to do in the club.  And yeah, I admire that.  I have my fair share of demons and pain, but I’m not sure that I’ve ever faced it like you have.”

“What about your music?”

“My music?  Sure, it’s self-examination and heart-felt lyrics.  I put everything into it, into writing and performing.  But it’s more like, ‘This is what I need to do to make a living because I love it,’ than it is, ‘This is what I need to do to cope and confront the uncomfortable.’  The songs are never enough.  Even after they’re written, recorded, and released, I’m constantly wanting to go back and change.  Re-write.”  He stopped and ran his tongue along his bottom lip.  “It’s never enough,” he repeated.

“I think I get it,” I said slowly.  “And your films?”

“I bury myself in each and every character I play because it’s easier to hide behind.  It’s easier to…be those people than to focus on why I chose the character in the first place.”

“You don’t talk to me like this very often,” I said quietly.

He shifted his gaze away, staring out at the water.  “No…I don’t.”

“Facing the pain is not all it’s cracked up to be,” I said, turning his head until his eyes locked onto mine again.

“Maybe, maybe not,” he said giving a small shrug.  “But it has to be better than pushing it away, suppressing it all.  It has to be healthier.”

It was then that I saw the blatant pain in his eyes.  The years of bad choices and undeserved events that made him the shy, quietly tortured man who cared more about the ones he loved than he did himself.  I frantically pulled his head to mine, my kiss filled with desperation as I drew his tongue into my mouth, trying to fix him, for I took cared more about the ones I loved than I did myself.