The chemicals are restless in my head...

This chapter is shit.
That is all.

“I think I should’ve done this sooner,” I called from the bathroom as I brushed mascara onto my lashes.

“What?” Jared asked, poking his head around the door.  “Taken a shower?  I didn’t want to say anything, but…you needed one.”  I silenced him, whipping my mascara tube at his face and he ducked.  Mission successful, I heard him grumble behind the door.  “Fuck,” he said poking his head back in.  “You’ve got aim.”

“I know,” I replied, quite proud of myself.

“You think you should’ve done what sooner?” he asked distractedly, stepping fully into the room.

I looked up at him in the mirror to find that his eyes were travelling across my body, bare skin exposed, lingering over my bra and panties.  I swung a foot back and kicked him in the shin.  I wanted it too, but we couldn’t, could we?

 “Met your mother,” I answered cautiously.  He frowned, sensing my nervousness.  “I mean, it’s been how many months?  Nine?  And I’ve been living with you for at least half that.”

“Things have just been a little…shaky,” he said, still frowning but trying to calm me.  But it just made me more on edge.  “You and me, Eva, I couldn’t find the right time.”  His voice was troubled.  “I should have taken you to meet her earlier, I know I should’ve.”

“Hey, listen,” I said softly, turning around to face him.  “I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty.  I’m just nervous.  I mean, this is your mom.  You love her.  And I don’t know, it just makes me nervous.  I have to make a good impression.”  I wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled his neck in an attempt to alleviate his discomfort.  He bent his head and planted a kiss on my shoulder, murmuring something unintelligible against my skin.  I rose onto my toes and kissed his cheek once he had raised his head again.

“It’s pretty damn obvious I love you,” he said quietly when he pulled back, the sparkle slowly returning to his clear blue eyes as he spoke.  “So she can’t help but like you.  She knows it’s been nine months, she knows I’m serious about you.”

“Yeah, but does she know that I’m serious about you?” I asked tentatively.
“All you have to do is be you, and she’ll know,” he answered confidently.  “Besides,” he added conspiratorially, “It’s Christmas!  Everybody likes everybody on Christmas.”  He grinned childishly.

I shook my head and laughed at how ridiculously naïve his statement was.  Taking me by surprise, he cut my laughter off, placing his mouth against mine.  I smiled against his kiss, opening my mouth slightly as his tongue ran the length of my lower lip, begging for entrance.  His hands firmly on my hips, he pulled my almost naked body against his fully clothed form, and I could feel his desire growing through his jeans.  A moan caught in my throat and I made myself tear my lips from his, but he persisted.

“I don’t…mind…staying…here,” I said between kisses.  “But…something…tells me…you’d…regret it,” I finally managed to get out.  He bit my lower lip in frustration before pulling back.  “It IS Christmas Eve,” I said breathlessly.  Hands still on my hips, his fingers toyed with the elastic of the fabric beneath his grasp.  I stared at him with baited breath, waiting to see what his decision would be.  Much to my dismay, his touch disappeared from my skin.

“I better go get dressed,” I said slowly.  He didn’t stop me, so I turned and exited the bathroom, making my way into the closet.  “Casual or dressy?” I called over my shoulder.

“Whatever’s comfortable,” he said appearing in the doorway behind me.  I turned around and looked him up and down.  He was wearing his usual sneakers, black jeans, long-sleeve grey button-up shirt, and vest.  But damn, that boy could make anything look nicer than a day spent at home or a day out shopping.  I chewed on my lip while trying to figure out how dressy he actually did look.

“Well I can’t wear jeans,” I began mumbling to myself, turning back to the garments hanging before me.  “And I should probably wear heels…”  I heard Jared laughing at me as he exited the closet, but I was immersed in thought and paid no attention.

When I still had not come out of the closet twenty minutes later, Jared came back.  “You’re still not dressed,” he said, stating in the obvious.  I waved him off without saying anything, still staring intently at my wardrobe, but he stepped around in front of me and began pulling clothes off of hangers.  I blinked stupidly and him and he walked past me again and out into the bedroom, an outfit in his arms.  He returned and I hadn’t moved a muscle, not sure how I wanted to react.  He stopped, smiled, and shook his head at me before stooping to pick up a pair of shoes, then took my hand in his own and led me out of the closet to the bed.  A pair of grey skinny jeans, a red v-neck sweater, and a white lace camisole had been laid out on the bed, and he set my white heels with the red soles on the floor in front of the ensemble.

“Now,” he sighed.  “Do I need to physically dress you, or is this good enough?”

“Good enough,” I said slowly, marveling at his taste, though I shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Phew!” he exclaimed in mock relief.  “I’m not sure I would have been able to leave you dressed, if I had even managed to get the entire outfit on you in the first place.”

I punched him lightly on the arm before stepping into the jeans.  Apparently jeans would be okay.  I made myself stop thinking about it, just going along with what Jared knew to be proper attire for Christmas with his family.  Once dressed, the only thing remaining was jewelry.  I stepped into the closet again and plucked my guitar pick necklace off of a hook.  I fastened it around my neck and slid two silver rings onto my fingers.

When I exited the closet for a final time, I stepped into my shoes and met Jared at the door. He was standing with both of our coats and the keys in hand, waiting for me.  I smiled nervously and took his hand in mine before we walked out to the car.

- - -

We arrived at his mother’s house in less than an hour.  There were cars already parked in the driveway, the only one recognizable to me being Shannon’s, so we parked on the street.  Christmas lights were not adorning the outside of the house like they were on neighboring structures, but you could see a tree lit up through the sheer curtains in the front window.

I stepped hesitantly out of the car and Jared came around to meet me, slamming the door after I had stepped out of the way with an echo of finality.  My nerves were a mess.  When we reached the door, I waited for Jared to knock, but he first turned me to face him.

“What…”

But he didn’t say anything.  Instead, he turned me to face him.  He tipped my chin up for a quick yet passionate kiss, his final attempt to tell me that it was all going to be okay before we entered.

The door swung open at the same time he reached for the knob, Shannon greeting us from within the warmth of the home.  Love and a strong sense of family emanated from the structure, wrapping me in comfort as we stepped inside.  I knew it was going to be just fine.

Jared immediately took my jacket from my shoulders and hung it next to the door beside his own before we followed Shannon down a short carpeted hall that opened to the left into a spacious living room before continuing to what I assumed was the kitchen.

Entering the airy space, I was greeted warmly by his mother, grandmother, aunts and uncles alike.  It was a small gathering, and after having been introduced numerous times, Jared and I settled into a couch along the wall.  For a short time, I quietly drank in the atmosphere, filled with nothing but support, close family ties, and unconditional love for everyone present.  It was something I hadn’t had the luxury of experiencing growing up, and only then did I know what I had been missing.  I felt at home beside Jared and in the midst of his family, but something was still missing and I didn’t quite know what.

His mother sat beside me a while later, finally taking a much-needed break from running back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, frequently checking the progress of dinner.

“So,” she began, placing a hand on my knee and squeezing gently.  “I’ve heard lots about you.”

“Oh?” I asked surprised, turning to look at Jared seated on the other side of me.  “All good things I hope.”

“Of course dear,” she said warmly.  “I think you’re the best thing that has happened to my son in years.”

A smile spread across my face uncontrollably as the woman I was most worried about meeting affirmed my presence in Jared’s life.  She smiled in return, sensing the calm her words had brought me, before she began looking at me with the same intensity Jared often did.  I shrank a little under her gaze, but at the same time, I knew she didn’t mean harm.

“Mom?” I heard Jared ask beside me.  But I waved him off, letting him know that we were fine, and he turned back to the conversation he had been having with Grandma Ruby.

“You know Laura,” Constance began, “Jared told me about your mother.”  Her tone had instinctively softened to keep third parties out of the conversation.

“Mmhmm,” I mumbled, nodding and biting my lip as I became gradually more and more uncomfortable.

“This holiday can’t be easy for you,” she said kindly.  But I could tell she wanted me to divulge, to tell her more about this and about myself.

I forced my teeth to release the piece of skin they had been unconsciously tearing to shreds and spoke.  “No, it’s definitely not easy.  But, our family gatherings were never anything like this,” I said in admiration as I motioned around the room.  “You’re family is amazing, and if I had to endure some Christmases without the love everybody here clearly shares for each other, then it was most definitely worth it.  Because there is nowhere else I’d rather be right now.”  I tried out a smile, trying to reinforce my genuine words.  “I do miss my mother,” I pressed on despite a reflex to shut up and leave it at that.  “Even though we had our moments, there was love there.  And it feels wrong not having her around.  But pain lessens with time, right?”  I blushed as soon as I had closed my mouth.  I wasn’t sure why, but there was something about Constance Leto that let you open up to her, knowing full well that your words were bound under an unwritten, unspoken contract.  Nothing would travel beyond that moment or beyond you and her.

“You’re absolutely right,” she said wisely.  “It does lessen with time.  But I have one piece of advice for you.  Do not let it lessen until you are ready.  Come to terms with everything that is unresolved and let those things go before you let the pain go.  Just don’t hold onto the pain for too long.”

I blinked, dumbfounded.  How did she know?  She was intuitive; she knew I was still holding on to the loss of my mother, that I thought about it regularly.  “But how long is too long?” I asked, suddenly desperate for the rest of the answers I was looking for from a woman I had barely gotten to know.

“You’ll know when it gets to be too long,” she said assuredly, leaning forward to kiss my forehead before rising and dashing into the kitchen once again.

She had left me confused, left me hanging.  Aside from a greeting, she hadn’t said more than four sentences to me before knowing what I was feeling, what I was thinking.  Like mother, like son?

“What did you guys talk about?” Jared whispered in my ear once Grandma Ruby had left his side.

“Nothing,” I said shaking my head.  “I’ll tell you later.”  With that, I temporarily pushed the conversation and his mother’s warning advice to the back of my mind.  Now was not the time for analyzing.  But part of me wished that Constance had not gotten up and left, ending the conversation.  I wanted to get to know her and I wanted her to know more about me.  But it was the last chance we would have that night to talk.

- - -

Six hours and a delicious meal later, Jared and I burst through the front door, the sound of laughter following us into the chilled night air.  We said goodbye to Shannon, confirmed plans for New Year’s with him, Tomo, and Matt, and each got into our respective cars.

“So, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Jared asked as he fastened his seatbelt.

I smiled widely with the recognition that I had in fact enjoyed my time with his family and my tangled nerves had been for naught.  “Nope,” I said happily.  “It was the opposite.  I love your family.”

He beamed at me, pleased with my reaction to the evening.  “Good, good,” he repeated, genuinely thrilled.  He started the car and pulled into the street, making his way quickly through the quiet streets.

We reached home in record time and my exhausted body and mind wasted no time getting inside the house and upstairs.  Jared followed me the entire way, his fingers laced through mine.  As soon as we entered the bedroom, he pulled me back against him, his breath hot on my neck.  He was ready to pick up where we had reluctantly left off before leaving for his mother’s.  But I couldn’t do it.

I turned around to speak, to explain, to apologize, but my mouth was sealed with his kiss before I had the chance.  Already his hands were on my hips, toying with the hem of the sweater he had so skillfully picked out.  He stepped even closer, his body pressed fully against mine, and I could feel myself moving backwards, being guided towards the bed.

“Jared,” I said, successfully pulling my mouth from his for a moment.

He didn’t respond.  He just kissed me more passionately, his tongue slipping past my lips.

“Jared,” I repeated, more determined, and I slid my hands down his chest between us, pushing lightly against him.

“What?” he mumbled, finally stepping back.  The look in his eyes was one of pure confusion.

I bit my lip, not wanting to turn him down.  But I wasn’t there with him; I wasn’t in the right state of mind.  And this time, his touch couldn’t take me there.  “I can’t Jare, I’m sorry.  Not right now.”

His face fell a little, but disappointment was soon replaced with concern in his eyes.  “What’s wrong?” he asked quietly.

“I’m just…there’s just too much shit in my head,” I said quickly, stepping into the closet and shedding my clothes before slipping into a pair of blue plaid flannels and one of his black t-shirts.  When I emerged, he watched me walk to the opposite side of the bed and lay down.  He cocked his head slightly, deciding if and when to say anything else, to push the issue, but he first changed out of his clothes as well.  When he laid down, I rolled over to look at him, knowing I needed to explain.

“I think I get it,” he said before I could speak.

“You get what?”

“It’s whatever my mom was talking to you about, right?”

I could hear the beginnings of anger in his voice as he thought his mother had upset me, but it was only half true.  “Not completely,” I answered cautiously.  “She spoke about my mother and about how this holiday, or any holiday, isn’t easy without her.”  Concrete anger flared in his face, so I kept going.  “But it was okay.  It felt right, telling her that I missed my mom but that I didn’t want to be anywhere else than there, with you and your family.  Even though that’s the truth, I couldn’t help but keep missing my mom.  And as right as Christmas with your family felt, it still felt as though I should have been back in Buffalo at a traditional, dysfunctional family gathering to celebrate the holiday.  And none of that is your mom’s fault.”

I sensed him calm down a little as I spoke, and he reached a hand to my face, his fingers lightly landing on my cheek.  “I’m sorry,” he said slowly, quietly.  “The thought had crossed my mind, but I didn’t want to bring it up unless I could tell that you were having a real problem with it.  I didn’t know until we got back here.”

“It’s okay, truly,” I assured him.  “Your mom, she told me that I need to come to terms with…all of it, with everything, before I should let the pain go.  And that I shouldn’t wait too long.  So that’s what I’m going to try to do.”
“Okay.  I’m here for you, you know.”

“I know,” I said smiling, leaning forward to kiss him lightly.  “I might just take you up on that.”

Jared didn’t respond after that.  He pulled me gently across the sheets and I pressed my face into his chest.  It was a habit I had mostly when I wanted comfort.  He willingly complied, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me even closer.

“Laura?” I heard him murmur above me.  I nodded my head against him in response.  “Merry Christmas,” he said.

I smiled and turned my head to the side so my words could be understood.  “Merry Christmas Jared,” I whispered before burrowing back into him and falling quickly into a deep sleep.