The chemicals are restless in my head...

Apparently there is a word limit to these journal posts and this chapter is too long to fit all on one, so here is Part II, but READ PART I first!!!!  <33

I pulled back and he said, “I love you too.”
The words hung in the air around us and I lay my head on his thigh to look up at the stars.  I was ready to talk, just not about my mom.
“There were about ten of us usually.  Any age, mostly between 13 and 19.  Every night, we would come out here to the fire.  Everyone would take their own bench, pull it close to the fire, and we would lie on our backs and watch the sky, looking for shooting stars.  It wouldn’t start out that way.  We would all be laughing and joking, watching our language and waiting until the 8 and 9 year olds had to go back to their cabins.  Then we would proceed to play with fire, blowing up cans of Axe and burning random objects.”  I paused as I remembered the romance again and how I had been afraid as he walked up to the fire and placed the Axe can under a log before trying to run back to me before it blew.  “A few more people would leave around midnight, and those of us that were left would lay down together, talk about drugs we had or hadn’t tried, and eventually fall silent to watch the stars.”  I fell silent, thinking back to countless nights that had been spent that way.  I hadn’t fully explained ‘together’, choosing to keep parts of my past to myself.  Matt was his name.  We were both 15 the first summer.  I was sitting on a bench by myself watching the fire when he sat down next to me.  I had thought little of it; we had hung out together all the time, every day, every year.  He had moved slightly closer to me that night, his arm and leg resting against mine.  Each night we got closer, talking for hours until it came time to blow something up or lay down and stargaze.  But then the week ended and we went our separate ways.  On the first night the next summer, he sat next to me again, and together we picked up right where we had left off.  The third night, we left everyone while they were talking and walked to Mother’s Memorial.  We sat on a swing on the porch, watching the dancing fire a hundred yards in front of us, and he had kissed me.  Every night after that, we lay together on the ground to watch the stars and my heart would skip a beat every time he would blow something up in the flames, like the multiple cans of Axe.  And every year after that was the same.  It was our week together, and we were happy.  We shared sleeping bags on the last night of ever week when everyone stayed at the fire all night instead of returning to their cabins, and we shared kisses under the sleeping bag, not caring if everyone saw us.  And then that last summer things had gone farther than kissing.  Regret beginning to overcome my body, I shook myself back to reality and shifted my focus from the stars to Jared who was looking at me, wondering where my mind gone.  I smiled up at him and spoke again, knowing I had to concentrate on the present, not begin regretting the past.
“This is my favorite place in the world.  It’s peace and stability.  It’s...home,” I said.  I realized that that was exactly what Dunkirk was, especially out here by the fire.
I didn’t know what else to say, but I had spoken, I had broken my silence.  Jared bent down and kissed my forehead before returning his gaze to the stars as well.  Slowly they began to disappear, the sky was lightening.  I sat up and turned to the right, waiting and watching for the edge of the fiery ball to appear above the horizon.  Without realizing, my thoughts went back to Matt.  We had often set our alarms and gotten up to meet each other here to watch the sunrise.  It was moments like those with him that I cherished but had pushed to the back of my memory.
Again I dismissed thoughts of him, focusing on the man beside me, his arm wrapped protectively around my side.
When the sun was up, we stood and traveled back to the car.  I didn’t want to leave this place that was home to me, but eventually I would have to go, and sooner was better than later.
Something settled inside me as we reached the car and I knew it was a good thing that I had brought Jared here, that I had let my mother go here.  I realized that that was exactly what I had done.  I had let her go.  I felt lighter, more at peace, and less on the verge of crying at any moment.  I had let go of the hurt and pain and embraced the love I had for her and she had for me.  I was no longer angry.  And above all, I was thankful I had let Jared into a little bit more of my past, and I accepted that instead of regretting it.
I could smell the smoke on our clothes and in our hair from the fire as soon as we were in the car and the scent was contained.  The smell was a comfort as we drove back to Buffalo, and I felt as though I was taking a piece of Dunkirk with me.
When we got home, Jared went in the bedroom and I ate an apple.  It wasn’t much, but it had been 24 hours since I had eaten anything and my body was desperately crying out for food.
I walked into my bedroom and Jared was under the covers, in his clothes, asleep.  At last, I wasn’t keeping him awake.  Content washed over me as I embraced my newfound calm and release.  I crawled under the covers and curled up against him, sinking deeply into sleep.
- - -

 

So you can probably figure out that my mom dying is not real.  But almost everything I wrote about Dunkirk is real, about the guy, blowing up Axe cans, looking at the stars, staying out all night on the last night, how it feels like home...you get the picture.  Anyway, hope you liked it.  =]

I don't know what to say about this chapter really.  It's a big longer than any of the others, but I couldn't stop it in the middle.  I think this is my favorite one.  I wrote it on paper instead of typing it, and I think I write better when I do that.  But anyway, I mentioned before that some things I write about are real.  In this chapter, there are a few parts that are real, but most of it is not as you will probably be able to figure out.  I'll explain at the bottom because I don't want to give anything away.
Warning: You might cry.  Sorry.

- - -
After that night where we had gotten so close, he could always sense when to slow down and he wasn’t at all disappointed or resentful.  It still didn’t stop me from feeling foolish, like I needed to apologize, but he would never let me.  It was a comfort knowing he was okay with it, and he knew I would let him know when I was ready to go further.

- - -

It was two days before I was going to go home to visit my mother.  I was on a couch in the living room, my feet stretched out and resting on the ottoman in front of me and Jared was moving around in the kitchen behind me. I was reading The Devil in the White City again, enchanted by the story of H.H. Holmes. Completely absorbed in the book, I didn’t notice at first when my phone began vibrating in my pocket. Flipping it open, I saw Sarah’s name on the caller ID. Smiling, glad to hear from my best friend, I answered cheerfully. There wasn’t an immediate response and I knew something was wrong. I swung my legs down off the ottoman and set the book in my lap.

"Sarah? What happened? What’s wrong?"

"I’m sorry."

"You’re sorry for what? What’s going on?"

"She’s dead."

I started to panic, my heart rising to my throat. I straightened and moved to the edge of the couch. "Who’s dead?" I stood, the book in my lap falling to the floor.

"Your mom. She’s gone.  Last night."

“No,” I said, my voice wavering.

“I’m so sorry Laura.”

I froze, moving my mouth to speak but nothing was coming out. I could hear the tears in Sarah’s voice on the other end of the line. The phone fell out of my hand and clattered on the floor, shattering into pieces.  I lost touch with my environment, tears forming in my eyes and streaming down my face in torrents. I crumpled to the floor and started rocking back and forth, my arms hugging my knees to my chest.  My peripheral hearing registered Jared dropping something in the kitchen. Then he was at my side, his arms wrapped around me tightly.

"What happened? What is it? What’s wrong?" His voice was laced with panic, but it sounded like it was miles away.

"She’s dead," I kept repeating, over and over again.

I was lifted off the floor and we were sitting on the couch. I was still curled in a ball, but now I was in Jared lap, his arms still holding me tightly.  "Who’s dead?" He kept asking, not getting a response. I was sobbing, unable to control my breathing or my shudders.

"My mother," I managed to get out.

"Oh my god," was all I heard in response. He kissed the top of my head, gently rocking me back and forth, waiting for my tears to subside.  Finally they did, and he loosened his grasp.  I stood and started pacing, feeling anger rising somewhere inside of me. Jared sat up and leaned his elbows on his knees, his chin in his hand, and watched me, unsure of what to do.  I walked to the bathroom and closed the door. Standing in front of the mirror, I looked at the image of my tearstained face.

I hadn’t been nice to her the last time we talked. I was a bitch. A complete bitch. And now she’s gone.

A few stray tears broke free, but the sight of them angered me.

She had done nothing but bitch at me for years, making it quite obvious that she was disappointed with the paths I had chosen. She had made me feel miserable numerous times, never once telling me she was proud. Even in death she was succeeding in making me feel miserable.

Anger rose even higher, swallowing any ounce of sadness I had felt earlier. I looked hard at my reflection for a few moments, then slammed my fist into the mirror.

Pain shot through my hand and I fell to the floor.

The door flew open and Jared was kneeling next to me, pushing the broken pieces of the mirror away.

I was crying again, repeating "I’m sorry" over and over.

He kept telling me, "It’s okay." But it wasn’t okay. And it wasn’t going to be.  I fell against him, emotionally exhausted, cradling my cut and bleeding hand next to my chest.  He pulled my hand to him, examining the many cuts, the worst one running from the knuckle on my pinky to the bottom of my palm. Turning my palm towards the ceiling, he pulled a small shard of glass out of the cut and I cringed, shrinking away.

Sobs were still wracking my body and I couldn’t focus. He pulled me to my feet and sat me on the edge of the bathtub. Moving away, he opened a cabinet door and pulled out peroxide and gauze.

I was numb. I could vaguely feel the sting of the peroxide, but it didn’t hurt. Slowly he wrapped my hand, covering all of the little cuts and the one that ran the length of my hand. His hand traveled up my arm and pulled me against him. I collapsed and he carried me back into the living room, sitting me back in his lap on the couch once again. I curled up and waited for the tears to stop.

I slowly came back to reality. The throbbing pain in my hand became more and more intense and my thoughts shifted from my mother to the mirror I had broken. The tears had left leaving dry sobs behind.

"I’m sorry about your mirror," I managed to stammer.

"It’s nothing," he said. "It’s not important."

I swung my feet down to rest on the floor.

"What happened?" I whispered. "What happened to her?"

My phone was still lying in pieces on the ground, so he handed me his.

I dialed Sarah’s number, waiting for her to pick up.

"Laura?" She sounded frantic, worry filling her voice.

"Yeah, it’s me. I need to know what happened. How did she die?"

"She had an aneurysm last night. She was gone before they got to the hospital."

"Does Charlie know?" I asked, wondering why it had been Sarah that delivered the news instead of him.

"Yeah, he knows. He told me and asked me to call you."

"What now?" I asked.

"He said she wanted to be cremated, and that the memorial service was going to be Tuesday at 2:00."

I didn’t say anything.

"You’re coming home, right?" she asked, sounding unsure.

"Of course I am," I answered softly.  “Tomorrow if I can.”
’Sorry’ was not something I wanted to keep hearing.  ‘Sorry’ was going to set me off again.  I could feel it.

“Thanks.  I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said before we hung up.

I handed Jared’s phone back to him. 

“What happens now?” he asked quietly.

“I have to go home tomorrow,” I answered.  My voice was beginning to waver and I clamped my mouth shut.  After a moment, I stood and picked up the broken pieces of my phone.  “And I need a new phone,” I added.  I knew it was an unimportant detail, but I needed something unimportant to think about.

I started to move towards the bathroom again and Jared was close on my heels.  The pain in my hand was worsening to an almost unbearable state.  I pulled a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol out and tried top open it, but I needed two hands to do it and my bandaged one wouldn’t close around the bottle.  I dropped it in the sink, frustrated with myself.

Seeing my predicament, Jared moved from his stance in the open doorway and opened the bottle, shaking two out into his hand and giving them to me.  I wanted more, but he wasn’t going to give them to me.  I turned to face him with what I hoped was a thankful look on my face.

“Can you find me a plane ticket?” I asked.

He nodded his head.  “I’m going with you.”

“No!”  It came out harsher than I wanted it to.  “I mean, I need to go by myself, okay?”

He looked hesitant.  “Are you sure?”

“Yes.  This is something I need to do on my own.”

He agreed, but I could tell it was against his better judgment.

“Come on,” he said and pulled his keys out of his pocket.  “Let’s go get you a new phone.”  He put an arm across my shoulders supporting me and guided me out to the car.  I half-smiled gratefully at him, thankful that he recognized my need to focus on something else.

We didn’t talk.  I didn’t trust myself to talk, and I wasn’t even sure what I would say.  I simply bought a new Sidekick, and we returned home.

I didn’t know what to do.  I was lost. 

Sitting myself down on the couch, I thought maybe I would try to write.  But no words would come.  Staring at nothing, I let memories flood my mind.  Memories of all the happy times we had shared.  I needed to feel that joy again, forget how we had hurt each other over the years.  I told myself over and over again that she knew I loved her, even if I had hung up on her in our last conversation.  I knew it was true.  She was my mother, I was her daughter.  And we loved each other no matter what.  It was a slight comfort, and I didn’t feel as much guilt as I thought I would.

I sat like that the rest of the day.  Jared left me to myself, knowing I would talk when I was ready.  He checked on me once every 20 minutes or so, making sure I hadn’t slammed a fist onto anything else.  I could read the worry in his posture and his face.  At one point, he brought me a bottle of water and a banana, having realized that I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.  I didn’t touch it.

I sat while the afternoon light turned to dusk, and then twilight.  It was late.  Jared appeared and pulled me to my feet before scooping me up and carrying me to bed.

I didn’t change; I just crawled under the covers and lay on my back.  Jared sat down on the edge of an easy chair in the corner and watched me.  He wouldn’t sleep for fear of me hurting myself again like I had with the mirror.  I don’t remember what I was thinking about that night.  I got up twice and started pacing.  Jared watched every one of my movements.  I wasn’t annoyed.  I was thankful for his presence.

Once I moved into the bathroom and brought him a bottle of Ibuprofen.  He opened it for me and I took four, trying to stop the pain in my hand.

Lying in bed again, I watched the shadows on the ceiling change as the sun rose and morning light began to fill the room.

I got up at 7:15, knowing I had to be at the airport by 9:00, and showered.  I got dressed and emerged.  Jared was sitting in the same chair he had been all night, but he had gotten dressed. 

I walked over and knelt in front of him.  I couldn’t even look him in the eyes.

Breaking the silence we had kept since the day before, I said, “I need you to come with me.”

He reached out and pulled my head to his chest.  “Okay,” he whispered into my hair.

I didn’t want to be comforted, but I didn’t resist the embrace.  I hated that I was this weak, that I needed another person the way I needed him at that moment.

- - -

10 hours later, we landed at the Buffalo airport.  I couldn’t recall what happened on the plane ride, I was in a fog.  My bag had been packed, Jared had set up someone to care for the dogs, and we had driven to the airport.  After that, it was a blur.

Charlie and Kiera, his wife, picked us up at the airport.  I quickly introduced Jared, and fortunately nobody asked questions.  They knew it wasn’t the time.  It was late, so they dropped us off at my apartment and Charlie said he would call in the morning.

I dropped my bag inside the door and moved towards my bedroom.  Jared set his bag next to mine and quickly steered me towards the kitchen instead.  I hadn’t eaten since the previous day, and whether I wanted to or not, I was going to eat something before I went to bed.  I sat at a stool and watched silently as he went through the cabinets, looking for something that was still good to eat since I hadn’t been there in a couple of months.  He found an unopened box of pop tarts in one of the cupboards and shrugged as if to say, “This will have to do for now.”

I forced one down and finally collapsed onto my bed without changing.  Jared must have thought that I’d be safe tonight, because he lay down next to me and in minutes I was asleep.

- - -

I woke up disoriented, but in moments everything came crashing back. 

Jared wasn’t in bed anymore.  I stood and opened the bedroom door.  He was sitting on the couch eating a bagel and watching TV.  There was a Tim Horton’s bag on the coffee table in front of him and two cups of coffee next to that.

As I sat next to him he said, “How are you?”

“As good as I’ll get,” I said softly and grabbed a coffee cup, letting the hot liquid warm my fingers.  He reached and placed an arm across my shoulders, being supportive but not overbearing.

“Did Charlie call?”

“Yes, he did.  He reminded us that the memorial service is at 2:00 with a small reception at the house afterwards.  He wanted to know if you could go over around 12:00.  He said there were some things you needed to talk about.  I told him you would call him if that would be a problem.  If not, we’d see him at 12:00.  Unless you’d rather go by yourself...”

“No,” I said forcefully.  I needed him there.  “What time is it?”

“Almost 10:00.”

I took another sip of coffee before taking it back into my bedroom.  I stepped into the shower and turned it as hot as I could stand.  The steam enveloped me and I stayed like that until it became suffocating.  The moisture filling too much of the air and my lungs no longer getting enough oxygen, I shut the water off.  I slipped on my robe and stepped back into my room, opening the closet doors.  What do you wear to your mother’s funeral?

- - -

At Charlie’s house, he ran down the list of everything I needed to know.

1. Mom wanted her ashes to be scattered off the point and Dunkirk and Charlie couldn’t do it.  He wanted me to.  I didn’t know if I could, but I said I would.

2. She left me both her red ruby and engagement rings.  They had been gifts from my father during the happy time in the marriage and she had never gotten rid of them, unable to discard an object with so much emotion attached to it.

3. She left me her Prius and dad’s old truck he had left behind to Charlie.

4. She gave each of us half of her money and said we could take what else we wanted from the house before the estate sale.

5. The reception after the service would be here, at his house.

I nodded and mumbled, acknowledging everything he was saying, admiring his ability to look at this in a businesslike way, there was no other way to do it without falling apart.  I felt Jared’s steadying hand on my back the entire time.  A slight comfort.

- - -

We had driven my car to Charlie’s, but Jared and I rode with him to the service.  I had the option to say a few words, but I didn’t know if I could.  Our small family and a few of mom’s friends were there.  Sarah, Eva, and Kevin came for me and a few of Charlie’s friends were there as well.

Charlie had finished talking at the podium and he looked at me, silently asking if I was going to get up and speak.  I hesitated for a moment and rose, running through all of the options of things I could say in my head.

I reached the microphone and something popped into my head.  It was the most fitting thing I could come up with on this short notice.  My heart began racing and I looked out at everyone that was gathered, finding Jared’s face.  His face was filled to the brim with concern, his eyes poured out support, and they became my anchor as I took a deep breath and began to sing.

When the hour is upon us

And our beauty surely gone

No you will not be forgotten

No you will not be alone

And when the day has all but ended

And our echo starts to fade

No you will not be alone then

And you will not be afraid

No you will not be afraid

When the fog has finally lifted

From my cold and tired brow

No I will not leave you crying

And I will not let you down

No I will not let you down

I will not let you down

Now comes the night

Feel it fading away

And the soul underneath

Is it all that remains

So just slide over here

Leave your fear in the fray

Let us hold to each other

Till the end of our day.

I held the last note until I ran out of breath.  The song had always meant death to me, death of a loved one and remaining by their side until the last breath.  I tear ran down my face as I made my way back to my seat.  Suddenly I wondered who I sang the song for: Was it to my mother, or did it hold more meaning towards Jared?  Thoroughly confused, I sat back down and fell against Jared’s shoulder, drained from the unorthodox performance that nobody was expecting, not even myself.  The service continued and my mind wandered, half listening but half wandering.  I thought about my mother again and how much I missed her already, even though I hadn’t spent that much time with her in the past three years.  I fingered the necklace hanging down onto my chest, needing that connection to Jared, someone I loved that was still living even though he was seated right next to me.

At the end of the service once everybody had left, I took the vase of orchids, my mother’s favorite flowers, off of the table along with the urn.  My hands were shaking as I lifted it, my mind not grasping the concept that my mother was inside.

We got in the car and drove back to Charlie’s house.  I placed the flowers and urn on the dining room table and moved to the food display.

My skin was crawling, I couldn’t wait to leave.  It was made bearable by the presence of Jared and my friends.  I hugged my family, introduced people who didn’t know each other, and took part in the memories people felt the need to share.

I wanted to leave.  I needed to leave.

Two hours later, I asked Charlie if he needed me there anymore.  He didn’t, so I told him I’d come over in the morning and Jared and I left.  Returning to my apartment, I went into the bathroom off of my bedroom and closed the door.  I needed time to myself but I didn’t know what to do.  I shed my black dress and turned on the water in the shower for the second time that day.  I stood with my head under the steady stream of water, letting it run down my face, into my mouth.  In a sudden wave of exhaustion, I slid down the wall and huddled on the floor of the shower, unable to think or move for a long time. 

My skin was beginning to feel raw from the constant impact of water when there was a knock on the door.  I couldn’t speak, but I could imagine him standing on the other side of it, his head leaning against it.  I could feel his emotions radiating through the solid barrier.  Anxiety, distress, pain, fear, concern, uncertainty, sadness, and love.

I could make out the movement of the door swinging open through the foggy glass door of the shower.  I pulled my knees tighter against my chest, curling up, wanting to disappear.  But it was useless.  The shower door slid open and I was met with his knees.  He lowered himself to the floor and looked into my eyes.  As soon as his eyes pierced my gaze, I was a mess.  I started crying, tears I thought I didn’t have any more of.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I was horrified that he was seeing my naked body and it was most definitely not an intimate encounter.  But mostly I was relieved and thankful for his presence.  I grabbed onto his sleeve as he lifted me out of the water and carried me through the door to my bed.  I was mildly aware that I was soaking his clothes and I tried to murmur “I’m sorry,” but nothing would come out.  Leaving me hunched over myself, he returned and wrapped my robe around me before laying me down on the bed.  He sat down next to me as my tears subsided and leaned his back against the pillow.  Feeling his weight on the bed, I moved over and lay my head in his lap.  I held tightly to one of his hands while his other ran through my hair and a steady temp, lulling me to sleep.

- - -

I didn’t know how long it had been when I woke up.  It was still dark outside but getting lighter.  Sunrise I guessed.  I turned my head to look up at Jared and he was awake, watching me.  He hadn’t slept.  I felt guilty; I knew I had been the reason for his sleep deprivation.

I sat up slowly and rubbed my temples with the palms of my hand.

My stomach roared at me.  I moved into the kitchen, Jared at my side, and checked the refrigerator.  There was food in it.  I glanced at Jared and he nodded is head.  He must have gone to the store when I was in the shower last night.

I grabbed a can of Dr. Pepper.  It was the wrong time of day and caffeine was usually not the best idea on an empty stomach, but I needed that fix.  I needed the boost.  And vodka was not an option.  I had cut back on my alcohol consumption since Jared had told me in a text message to put down my drink at Quote.

I choked down some toast and some scrambled eggs before returning to the bedroom.  I wiped the make-up off that had run down my face and dried there last night.  I didn’t put any more on.  I pulled my hair back and got dressed in the most comfortable clothes I could find.  Jeans, a white long sleeve shirt, and a huge black ESF hoodie, courtesy of my cousin while he was attending college.  I knew where we were headed today, and I needed it with me.  I had spent many nights there in that sweatshirt, and I needed it for comfort.

While Jared waited, I placed the notebook he had given me, my mp3 player, and my wallet in my messenger bag.  I debated before moving to my dresser and pulling a black camera bag out of the back of the bottom drawer.  I hadn’t used it in over a year and it felt good to hold it in my hands again.  I placed it in my bag, grabbed my keys, and we left.

It was 8:00 when we pulled up in front of Charlie’s.  It was early but I knew he would be awake.

I signed the paperwork I needed to concerning mom’s will and her assets.  Charlie handed me a set of keys and a small black jewelry box which I assumed contained the rings.  My hands were shaking as I held them.  He asked me if there was anything else of mom’s I wanted and I said no, this was enough.  Before we left, I told Charlie I would be selling my car since I had mom’s Prius now, and if he would take the calls about it, he could sell if for whatever he wanted to and keep the money.  He agreed and handed me the urn and flowers from the service yesterday.  I hugged him goodbye, promised to call soon, and left.

With one less thing to think about, I went back out to the car where Jared was waiting.  We got into the Prius and I placed the flowers and jewelry box in the back seat before securing the urn.

When I got into the driver’s seat, Jared was opening a map.

“What’s that for?” I asked, half-heartedly smiling while he fumbled with it.

“So we can get where we’re going.”

I carefully pulled the map out of his hands, folded it, and placed it back in the glove box.

“I can get there with my eyes closed,” I said.  “I’ve gone every summer for as long as I can remember...before this year...and I don’t need a map.”

His eyes widened, impressed.  “If you say so,” he said.

I took a deep breath before starting the car, trying to prepare myself for what was coming.

- - -

We arrived at Dunkirk an hour and a half later.  I was on autopilot for most of the drive, thinking again about my mother, but making every turn and exit automatically.

Pulling into the grounds, I was flooded with memories.  We got out of the car.  Jared carried the flowers and I carried my mother, our free hands clasping each other.  I took him on a silent tour, up to the activity center, past the administration building, past the dining hall, past Cabin 21, the cabin we stayed in every year, to the school building, and finally to Mother’s Memorial before my destination.  Mother’s Memorial was one of my favorite buildings and places in the entire campground.  Three of its four walls were completely windows with a wraparound porch spanning all three sides.  Directly in front of it was where we needed to go.  The land came to a rough point over the lake.  A large wooden cross stood off to the right side.  There were four white pillars that had been there for as long as I could remember, but were seemingly placed randomly and I never understood their purpose.  In the center there was a stone podium with a fire pit in front of it.  There were blue and grey benches in a semi-circle around the fire.

The sun was setting as we made our way to the fence behind the podium.  I let go of Jared’s hand and leaned against the wire, looking out at the lake.  The sun was setting to the left.  I set the urn down on the ground and began climbing the fence to make it to the other side where I could stand on the edge.  I shook off Jared’s reach and landed on the other side.  I truthfully wasn’t sure if I cared whether I fell or not at that moment.  He handed the urn to me and turned to the lake.  I looked directly down at the water crashing against the cliff and remembered the time we had thrown a bench over the cliff at 2:00 in the morning and used a flashlight to watch it crash against the rocks and break apart.  I smiled, fondly remembering the laughs and a kiss I had shared with someone after we let go of the bench and it fell to its doom.  He had meant a lot to me, more and more every summer we saw each other, but a summer romance was all it ended up being in spite of my feelings.

Suddenly remembering who this was about, my mother and not me, I tipped the urn upside down and watched as my mother flew into the air over the lake in the wind.  I stood and watched until I couldn’t distinguish any of the ashes anymore.  Glancing down once more, I turned and climbed back over the fence.  As soon as I landed on the other side, Jared pulled me into a hug, relieved I was alive and making sure I was okay.

- - -

I didn’t want to leave.  Instead, we started a fire from the wood that was already stacked under a tree even though there wasn’t a camp in session this week.  It got dark quickly and we pulled a bench closer to the flames.

I stared ahead of me into the burning logs and glowing embers, my affinity for fire returning.

Glancing to the side, I studied Jared.  He was sitting on the end of the bench, his head tipped back and his legs stretched out in front of him.  He was studying the stars as I had done in that same position thousands of times.  His all-black attire blended in with the enveloping night.  The firelight was dancing on his face, half lit and half shrouded in darkness.

I slowly bent and picked up my camera.  I raised it and looked through the viewfinder, focusing on his face.  He must have heard the click when I snapped the picture because his head snapped up, confusion clouding his eyes.  I lowered the camera to under my chin and smiled at him.  He didn’t smile back, but he wasn’t upset about the picture.

The confusion cleared from his eyes and the blue pools remained glued to my face.  I raised the camera again and his eyes flicked to the lens.  I paused, examining what I saw through the window, absorbing the intensity of his gaze.  I snapped another quick picture before I zoomed in on one of his eyes.  The smoky black eyeliner stood out against the glow of the fire.  A flame was reflected perfectly and clearly in his pupil.  Not wanting to miss the magic, I clicked the shutter and captured it.  Not sure why I had taken the pictures, I placed the camera back in my bag and lifted out the beautiful notebook he had given me.  I had yet to write in it, waiting for the perfect time.  And that time was now.  I hadn’t talked about my mother yet and I felt like I was being unfair to Jared.  I had barely spoken in the past three days, and he had to be wondering if I was really okay or not.  I uncapped my pen and began writing.

Jared – I’m sorry.  Even now, I write that and I’m not sure why.  I’ve caused you pain the past few days and I’ve barely spoken.  I haven’t said it, but I wanted you to know I’m thankful that you’re here with me.  More grateful than you could even imagine.  And I don’t know if I could have gotten through all of this without you here.  I just need you to know that.  I’m not ready to talk about my mom yet, but I promise you I will talk to you when I need to.  I love you. – Laura

I closed the notebook and ran my hands over the cover before setting it beside me.  I didn’t know if I should let him read it or not.  I looked over at him again.  He had turned his attention from the stars to the fire, staring into it intently.  His shoulders were tense, he was on edge.  I knew my silence was getting to him but he didn’t want to force me to speak.  I remembered reality at that moment.  I remembered my age compared to his.  I began to feel more and more like I was a kid sister he was taking care of, not a woman he was in love with.  He had made me feel like his equal time and time again, making sure I didn’t fall back into thoughts about our age difference.  But I couldn’t help it at that moment.  I began thinking of everything I kept from him when he was always so open with me.  I knew I had to show it to him, he had to read it.  I needed to be his equal again, and I thought that if he read it, I would feel it again.

I slid down the bench, opened the notebook to that first page, and set it in his lap.  I watched his eyes as he read it, filling with emotion.  He looked up at me when he had finished, and I quickly wrapped my hands around his neck, pulling his head to mine.  As the comfort of his lips touching mine spread through my body, I knew.  No, I was not his kid sister.

 

 

Okay, now you can read the next one.

Sorry this took so long.  I've just been crazy busy and distracted lately.  I'm beginning to appreciate why writers usually don't have a second job.  Writing is too time consuming.
Anyway, I'll try to have the next chapter out soon.  Hopefully life will calm down.
Enjoy!  <33retro

- - -
I woke and it was 10:00. Jared was gone again. Worried and wondering if he was okay from last night, I got out of bed and went downstairs in search of him.

The smell of coffee got stronger the further down the stairs I went. I entered the kitchen and Jared was sitting at a stool with a bowl of fruit.

I walked over and whispered "Good morning" in his ear before walking around the counter to the coffeepot. I grabbed a mug out of one of the glass-doored cabinets and poured a cup. I swallowed more than half of it black before adding a tiny bit of milk, no sugar.

I sat down beside him and grabbed a piece of apple out of his bowl. His fork playfully made a move to stab my hand but I was too quick. He leaned over and planted a kiss on my lips, but when he pulled back, my eyes filled with concern.

"What happened last night?" I asked.

He smiled before answering, slightly reassuring. "I had an amazing time at dinner. But when I got home, I was thinking about everything that had happened in the afternoon. You know, about you playing and how intense everything was. And I was thinking about you and I just needed to play, to write, to......do something."

I was relieved he wasn’t upset with me or anything like that. "How did it go?"

"Good, good," he said nodding his head and turning back to his fruit. "I didn’t mean to wake you up though."

"You didn’t. But I’m glad I did. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." I grabbed another piece of fruit before getting up to refill my mug and get a yogurt out of the fridge. "What’s going on today?"

He swallowed before answering. "Well we’re practicing in a little bit for a couple of hours. Then I’m all yours. We can do whatever you want to do." He made it sound like a challenge.

I grinned. I was always up for a challenge. Now I just had to come up with something. "Where’s practice?"

"Today it’s at Tomo’s. But normally it’s here."

I kissed him goodbye before taking my cup of coffee and book out to the sunroom and settling down to get lost in the pages and the magic of the Chicago World’s Fair. I heard him leave 15 minutes later.

Setting my book down, I went upstairs to shower and decide what I wanted to do that afternoon.

- - -

A car pulled into the driveway and the horn honked. I flew out the door, locking it behind me, and hopped into the backseat of a car next to Jared. Shannon was in the very back seat, Matt in the passenger’s seat, and Tomo was driving.

Jared had called before they had all left Tomo’s house and asked me if I had decided what I wanted to do that day. I told him that I missed the guys and maybe we could all do something together.

We pulled into an almost deserted parking lot. I got out, slipped my shoes off, and threw them into the back of the car before we made our way down the boardwalk. I was instantly reminded of the years of family vacations to Sunset Beach in North Carolina and a smile spread across my face.

I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes and grabbed Jared’s hand. We exited the boardwalk onto the beach and immediately I ran towards the water, dragging Jared behind me. We both had shorts on, but the bottoms of his got a little wet when I pulled him in with me. I wanted to go deeper, but he pulled back on my arm and spun me around to face him, a playful smile on his face. He bent down and kissed me passionately, but it was over before it had begun and we were moving back towards Shannon, Matt, and Tomo who were shoving each other in the sand acting like their usual 15-year-old selves.

I loved it. I felt like I was where belonged, with my family. And things couldn’t really get much better than that, could they?

We walked along the beach for hours, joking and laughing. Jared and I were made fun of numerous times, but he never let go of my hand.

When we returned to the car, I expected to go home, but instead we pulled up to a tiny family-owned ice cream parlor not too far down the road. With my chocolate milkshake in hand, we went outside to the patio that overlooked the ocean and watched the sun set. We were in a line, all up against the railing. I could just imagine what we must look like from a spectator’s point of view and a content smile cemented itself onto my face.

Arriving back home, I was in the clouds. It had been the perfect day in my book. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

When we walked in, Jared went upstairs and I heard the water in the shower running.

I moved to the living room and a movie I had brought with me caught my eye lying on top of the TV. It was one of my favorite movies of all time, Witches of Eastwick. I smiled, thrilled with my discovery, and put it into the DVD player. I had gotten 20 minutes into the movie before Jared came downstairs and flopped down on top of me on the couch. Groaning, I rolled him off of me, scooting over to make room. He lay behind me and put his head on top of mine so he could see.

- - -

I must have fallen asleep during the movie, more tired than I thought I was. I didn’t remember going upstairs last night, yet I woke up in bed. I rubbed my eyes and sat up, trying not to wake Jared.

I grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled it over my cami and shorts from the previous day, not even realizing that I had never changed. When I got downstairs, I opened one of the sunroom doors and let the dogs out before starting the coffeepot. Digging in my pocket for my phone, I pulled it out and checked my messages.

Message 1: "Hey, it’s Sarah. Just wondering if my wonderful friend has disappeared off the face of the planet. God I hope so. Then I wouldn’t have to waste my time calling her anymore."

End of message. I laughed before playing the next message.

Message 2: "Laura? It’s your mother. I was just wondering how you’re doing and if you’re ever planning on coming home. I’ll call you later. Love you."

I groaned. I knew from the tone of her voice she wanted to know more than how I was doing. But I decided to wait for her call, not call her myself.

I quickly texted Sarah, figuring she would still be in bed, then stuck the phone back in my pocket.

The coffee was almost done. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and sat down to eat it dry.

I thought I had been paying attention, but between bites, two strong arms wrapped around my chest and pinned my arms to my sides. I tried to wriggle free, but it was useless. Laughing, I fell still and waited for him to release me. He did and spun me around on the stool.

"Good morning beautiful," he said.

"Good morning." I barely got it out before his lips were pressed against mine. The intensity of some of our kisses never failed to surprise me and this one was no different, but I quickly went under, pulling him down until he was almost sitting in my lap. Untangling my fingers from his hair, he pulled back.

"Sorry I fell asleep last night," I said.

He laughed. "Don’t worry, I did too." He looked at me as he moved towards the coffeepot, his eyes dancing with happiness. "I woke up at 1:00 and took you upstairs. You never woke up once."

"Well then I don’t feel so bed." I popped the last pieces of cereal into my mouth and walked to the dishwasher. "What’s going on today?"

"Practice here in…an hour or so. That’s it."

"Fantastic! Can I watch maybe?" I asked.

"Of course," he said, like I should’ve already known the answer.

"Awesome." I grabbed my phone off of the counter and went upstairs to change.

- - -

I was playing around on the piano, not letting myself sink too deeply into any one song, when Jared and Shannon walked in, Shannon having just arrived. I stopped playing once Tomo and Matt got there and curled up silently in the chair near the couch to watch and listen.

But nobody seemed interested in starting yet. Shannon flopped down on the couch and waggled his eyebrows at me, followed closely by Tomo and Matt.

"I see you guys finally gave your hands back to each other." He was referring to the previous afternoon. I thought maybe the teasing was over, but I should’ve known better. I made a face at him, letting him know I was annoyed but loved it, yet still not dignifying him with an immediate response.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance to answer. Jared walked up and leaned over the top of the chair, kissing me on the head. He seemed impatient without being rude about it.

"Let’s go guys," he said. "Laura and I have plans." I was puzzled, not knowing about any plans, but decided to play along, not showing my confusion.

Shannon jumped up and winked at me. "Does that mean kinky encounters in the bedroom?"

"Things you could never imagine," was Jared’s immediate response. My mouth flew open and I whipped around to face him, barely containing my laughter. The sparkle had returned to his eyes and he was his usual joking self, getting over what had momentarily caused impatience.

- - -

Watching them practice was unbelievable. I loved every minute of it.

They were beginning a rough rendition of Echelon, trying to re-write bits and pieces for a show, when my Sidekick vibrated bringing me out of my enchantment.

Flipping it open, I checked out the caller ID. "Mom" was displayed on the screen. I debated letting it go to voicemail, but my policy was "Deal with it sooner than later."

I uncurled myself from the chair and stood up, moving quietly towards the door and trying not to distract them. Jared glanced at me as I reached the door and I closed it softly behind me.

"Hello?"

"Hi," she said. And that was it. I waited for her to say something else, after all she had been the one who called, but there was only silence on the other end.

I took a deep breath and told myself I would keep my patience. I knew she was opposed to my going on tour with the band from the beginning and I didn’t want to get into it with her again.

Breaking the silence, I said, "How are you mom?"

"Oh, I’m fine," she said. But I could tell she was lying.
"No you’re not." Being blunt with my mother was never something I had ever had a problem with. I heard a loud sigh on the other end.

"What’s going on mom?" I prodded.

"I just miss you, that’s all." I could tell from her tone that she was being sincere. I moved off of the defensive, unsure of why I had been on it in the first place.

"I miss you too," I said, softening my tone. "I’m coming home for a little while in a week and a half though." I hoped it helped her.

"You’re not coming back to stay?"

"No mom, not yet. There’s another tour in three and a half weeks and I’m going to go on it with the band again. But I’m coming home to see you before I go."

"Don’t you need to get back to your job?" My gut clenched. "I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be off gallivanting around like this or you may lose the only good job you’ve ever had."

She hadn’t come right out and spoken the words, but I could tell she wanted to say, ‘And the only good job you’re going to get since you don’t have a degree.’ She didn’t say it, but the words were still there, implied in her tone.

I tried to keep my voice level. "Thanks for the opinion. But this is my choice and I’ve made it. It’s important to me and it’s the most fun I’ve had since...well since I was about 10. And they’re treating me right mom, they’re treating me right."

I didn’t mean to put guilt into my words, but it came through anyway. We had been over it hundreds of thousands of times; how her staying with dad hurt Charlie and I, not helped us. How our childhood was not good, thanks to their fighting all of the time. I thought maybe she would drop the subject after that, but she was stubborn when she thought she had an important point to make.

"You’re just taking advantage of your boss, letting her pay you like she is while you’re gone. It’s unfair. And you’ve left everything behind here for months..." I started only half paying attention. I let her speak without interrupting, letting her blow off steam without dignifying it with a response.

When she was finished, I said, "About my job, I’ve already called my boss and told her to stop sending me the checks, I feel bad taking them. And she said my job will be there whenever I get back. Now I’ll see you in a week and a half, okay? We’ll go to church, we’ll see a movie, have dinner with Charlie, whatever you want. Okay?"

"But Laura – "

"I have to go mom." And I hung up the phone.

Frustrated, I slammed it down on the counter, not hard enough to break it.

I didn’t even have time to process the conversation before band practice ended and they burst through the door into the open room. Jared walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He was smiling; practice must have been successful.

"Who called?" he asked, glancing from me to the phone.

"My mother." There was a biting edge to my voice. He gazed at me, a questioning look in his eyes.

"She disapproves," was all I said, trying to shake the whole thing off. "Practice was good?"

"It was fucking awesome," came from the couch a few feet away. It was Tomo or Shannon, couldn’t see who.

I smiled up at Jared and kissed him quickly on the lips. "So what are these plans you spoke of earlier?"

- - -

He wouldn’t tell me what we were going to do. I didn’t even know he seriously had something in mind when he had said that to the guys, but apparently he did.

I went upstairs to shower and change out of my sweatpants and hoodie. Not having any sort of idea of what we were doing, I put on my black capris and a plain red tank. Not bothering with my hair, I swept it back with a few clips, letting the shorter pieces fall out, and quickly drew on some eyeliner. Slipping on my converse, I grabbed my white skull jacket and messenger bag and went downstairs to find Jared.

I didn’t have to look far. He was standing at the foot of the stairs waiting for me. He must have changed while I was in the shower. He was now wearing black jeans, his crocs, and a plain white t-shirt that seemed uncharacteristically bright. His blackberry was clipped to his pocket and he had on black fingerless gloves and a black 30 Seconds to Mars hat with a pair of sunglasses over his eyes.

Without explaining anything, he led me outside and we got in the car.

- - -

We drove further and further into the city. Houses disappeared and were replaced by businesses and stores.

We pulled over and parked on a very busy tourist-y looking street. Small shops lined the sidewalks and there were people everywhere.

I turned to Jared. "What exactly are we doing here?"

"Umm, shopping." He made it sound like I should’ve already known that.

Laughing, I said "But there’s so many people around. Are you sure you want to get into that?"

"I bet most people won’t recognize me," he said. "It’s no big deal for me. I may not like it, but I’m used to it."

I looked again at the masses of people walking down the sidewalks. It was a warm, sunny Saturday afternoon and most of the people out were families, children carrying melting ice cream cones. There were quite a few teenagers as well, but if any of them happened to know Jared, we could deal with them. And I didn’t think there would be any paparazzi around here, it didn’t look like a place celebrities usually went.

"If you say so," I said.

- - -

Only one group of people came up to us. They looked to be about my age, three girls and two guys. They were very calm and mature, a nice change from some people I had seen at some of the concerts on tour. They talked to Jared for a couple minutes about his movies and the band’s music. I stood by his side and watched and listened. Jared seemed happy to talk to them. He truly loved connecting with the fans, and they were capable of actually carrying on a conversation, not awkward or intimidated at all. And of course talking to fans was much more preferable than paparazzi or reporters.

When they had left, he smiled at me as if to say his day had been brightened by the connection with some true fans, some of the Echelon. My spirits rose; I was simply happy.

We mostly window shopped, just to walk around together. I had a little over $700 still, but I would no longer be receiving paychecks from back home, so I didn’t want to spend too much.

Jared bought a couple of scarves and a black vest with tiny red pinstripes and a red button-up long sleeve shirt to go under it.

In one of the jewelry stores we went into, I fell in love with a beautiful star sapphire ring. It fit perfectly on my right ring finger.

After buying it, we exited the store and I spotted a store called The Enchanted Attic. I didn’t know anything about it but was immediately intrigued. I pulled Jared across the street and we climbed the stairs into an airy loft that had been converted to a store. The scent of incense filled the air. One entire wall was lined with candles, and the wall opposite was filled with both loose sticks and boxes of incense and burners. Wiccan and Celtic jewelry filled the cases under the counter and in the back corner there were bookshelves with hundreds of different spiritual books ranging from Buddhism to Heathenry to Wicca to Nordic Gods. I was mesmerized. I may not have believed in my mother’s religion, Christianity, like she wanted me to, but I still believed in some form of a higher being or beings. I loved reading about other religions.

I didn’t buy any books, but I picked out some candles, incense, and a simple black burner.

I had been so preoccupied with everything in the store that I hadn’t even realized Jared had left.

I was standing at the counter to pay when he came up behind me and said, "Did you miss me?"

I jumped. "Where did you go?" I asked.

"There was just a store back there I wanted to go into," he said and peered over my shoulder at my purchases lying on the counter. "Incense?"

I glanced down at the counter. "Yup. I love it."

"Hmm I’ve never really had any before…but it better smell good," he said and made a face that looked half amused and half intrigued. I paid and he picked my bag up off the counter, looking inside to more closely examine the contents. I couldn’t help but laugh at him, he was like a little kid seeing something new for the first time and trying to figure out how it worked. I snatched my bag back out of his hands and we went back downstairs into the afternoon heat.

- - -

We had gone to a couple more stores and I returned home with three more bags. A couple pairs of jeans, a shirt, and one more thing that I was very nervous about. I carefully wrapped one of the bags around it and placed it in my duffel bag in the corner of the closet. I returned downstairs and Jared was in the kitchen rummaging through the refrigerator.

"Dinner?" I asked.

"Yes ma’am."

"Anything I can do?"

"Not at all," he said with a smile. I perched myself on a stool and watched him, not speaking, because the TV was on in the living room broadcasting the news, and he would glance at it every once in a while, seemingly listening intently. I was impressed with how at-home he seemed in the kitchen. Based on the foods we had eaten while on tour, I wasn’t sure if he cooked or not, and we hadn’t had that many honest to goodness meals in the week I had been there. I made a mental note that I wanted to cook for him tomorrow night if we were going to be home before I spun around on the stool and focused on the television, leaving Jared to dinner.

When I turned back, the smell of the food too delicious to ignore any further, the small table against the wall had been set and he was lighting a single candle in the center.

He walked over and led me to the table, then returned to the stove to serve dinner. Penne pasta with parsley, tomatoes, and mozzarella cheese. It smelled wonderful and tasted even better.

Sometime in the middle of dinner I stopped eating and began pushing the food around on my plate.

"You know how my mom called earlier?"

"Yeah, this morning right?"

I nodded. "Among other things, she said she missed me so I told her I would go home in a week and a half, just for a few days. Spend some time with her and Charlie maybe."

"Okay." I waited to see if he would say anything else.

"I don’t want to go. At least not this early. But I already told her..." I felt like I needed to explain, but I didn’t know why. Maybe it was because we had barely had any time together. Or maybe it was because only 6 days ago he had told me he loved me and it seemed completely unfair to leave now. And maybe I needed more time to know it was real before I left for over a week. I didn’t know, I was just unsure.

"It’s your family, you need to go and see them. You know I’ll be here when you get back," he said as he reached over and grabbed my hand, forcing me to look him in the eyes. He could sense my insecurity and it was a little unnerving.

"I know," I said, shaking my head. "I just kind of wanted to spend the 4^th of July here, but now that’s not going to happen...unless I come home a day early or something."

"It’s only a day," he said. "We can have our own fucking fireworks when you get back!"

"Awesome," I said laughing and began eating again, feeling as though a weight had been lifted, and he changed the subject to signal everything had been settled.

Jared cleared our dishes and sat back down at the table. He pulled something out from under his chair and set it on the table in front of me. It was a plain black box with a white ribbon tied around it. A gift.

My hand moved to the silver guitar pick around my neck, the last gift he had given me, and I smiled.

"What’s the occasion?" I asked, wondering if I had forgotten something.

"None that I know of."

"This isn’t fair you know," I said pouting. He looked puzzled.

"Oh? Why’s that?"

"Because I bought you something today and I was going to give it to you, but now it’s not as exciting." I tried my best whining voice.

"Just open it!" he said laughing.

I picked it up and pulled at the ribbon. Lifting the lid, I peeked inside but couldn’t see anything yet. Pulling back the silver tissue paper, I gasped.

"It’s...oh my...It’s beautiful," I said softly, barely audible.

He leaned forward earnestly as I lifted it out of the box.

It was a handmade notebook. The cover was black and textured. The binding was silver with white lines running through it. There was a simple silver emblem on the cover outlined in red. I opened it and ran my fingers over the first sheet. The pages were thick and cream colored, as though they were handmade along with the rest of it.

Written on the inside cover was:

For everything you need to speak but can’t.

Love always.

He hadn’t signed his name but I knew the words had come from him.

I was speechless. Tears in my eyes, I rose and moved around the table to him.

He pushed his chair back and pulled me down into his lap. Cupping his face in my hands, I looked into his clear blue eyes and whispered, "Thank you." I now had somewhere to write that was only for me and those I chose to share it with.

He pulled my head onto his shoulder and kissed my neck before whispering, "You’re welcome," into my ear.

We sat together for a few minutes until the wax from the candle began dripping onto the table and I figured it was time to move.

- - -

Later that night, I was eating a bowl of ice cream on the couch and watching Sex and the City when Jared came in and bounced down onto the couch like a 5 year old boy, a puppy-dog look on his face.

"What?" I asked, beginning to laugh at his expression. He didn’t say anything, just glanced over at the ottoman where my new notebook lay.

My face froze. He wanted his gift. But after what he had given me, I didn’t want to ever give him what I had bought. But his expression didn’t change.

Giving in, I stood and led him upstairs. He sat on the bed while I went into the closet.

I set it in his lap before sitting down next to him.

It was a box similar to the one he had given me. Red and square with a black ribbon tied around it.

I spun the ring on my finger, a nervous habit I had, as he slowly untied the ribbon. I had never been good at giving gifts, I was always afraid the recipient wouldn’t like whatever it was.

He lifted the lid and I looked into the box instead of into his face, not wanting to witness his reaction.

It was a black leather wristband, two inches across, with two snaps fastening it. There were two silver Chinese symbols centered on it and tied to it with thin strips of leather. One stood for inspiration and the other stood for eternity. It was beautifully handmade, and I knew I had to buy it when I saw it, even if he didn’t like it.

He lifted it out of the box and examined it closely, running his fingers over the symbols.

"Eternity and inspiration," I whispered, reading the question in his actions.

"It’s perfect."

I smiled and looked up at him, finally meeting his eyes, knowing he meant it. My insecurity had been for nothing.

He held it out to me and I snapped it around his left wrist.

He ran his fingers over my face and pulled me tight against him, pressing his lips against mine. Neither of us knew how to speak our appreciation for each other, so actions would have to suffice.

Things got intense quickly. We were laying down as close as we could get with clothes on and we both wanted more. His hands were resting on my bare hips, pulling me down between his legs.

But something shifted inside of me. I hated it, but it did, and he sensed it. Maybe my kiss or my touch changed, but he knew I wasn’t ready and he backed off the slightest bit.
I tried to say thank you and I’m sorry all at once, running my fingers through his hair and kissing him harder, giving to him what I could, what I was ready to give.

I loved him, but something told me it wasn’t right, not then.

When we broke, I moved off of him and lay down on my side. He rolled over to face me. I had opened my mouth, about to say something in apology, feeling very immature, but he put a finger to my lips to silence me. I obediently closed my mouth and fingered the necklace around my neck when I saw him examining his wristband again. I slow smile spread across his face and his piercing eyes looked directly into mine. His gaze captivated me and I knew he was okay with me having put the brakes on out intimacy. I knew he wasn’t disappointed, that he wanted me to feel comfortable.

But it didn’t stop me from feeling embarrassed and childish.

He kissed me again before reaching over to turn out the light and pull my head against his chest to sleep.

Just a quick sidenote.
A lot of the events and characteristics in this entire story are real.  Like I wrote the poem in Chapter 12, and the blog/journal entry from the last chapter, Chapter 13, I actually took from my aeonity blog.  A lot of things I write about (that aren't Jared related) are true.  I just thought I'd let you know that, in case you were wondering.
And I have another chapter written, or most of it, but I just need to figure out how to write the chapter between this one and that one or how to skip the time in between.  And I'm sorry I'm not getting these out faster, but I can't seem to get one finished a day.  Life gets in the way.
Okay, that is all.  Enjoy!

Chapter 14

I woke up and Jared was watching me. I smiled and rolled onto my back, not wanting to get up and ruin everything that had happened the night before.

My stomach roared and I glanced over at the clock. It was 11:00 am. I was definitely not on a usual sleeping pattern.

"Breakfast?" I asked as I rose from the bed.

"Yeah. Give me a minute and I’ll be down."

I smirked, a plan already formulating in my head, and zipped on my 30 Seconds to Mars sweatshirt before heading down the stairs.

Entering the kitchen, I began gathering everything I needed. A loaf of cinnamon swirl bread from the cupboard, a large bowl, eggs, milk, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, and maple syrup. Everything was pretty easy to find. I put a frying pan on the stovetop and turned it on, spreading a little bit of butter in the bottom, and cracked the eggs into the bowl before adding everything else and whisking it together.

I was flipping the first pieces of french toast when he walked into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around my waist, peering over my shoulder into the frying pan.

"I was going to make you breakfast!" he said.

"Hmm. I guess you should’ve gotten up faster then," I said and shook him off of my waist. I put the toast on a plate, led him to a stool, and sat him down with the plate in front of him.

Adding two more pieces of bread to the pan, I turned and leaned against the counter to watch him eat.

Both pieces of french toast were gone in less than a minute. I guess I wasn’t the only hungry one.

The next two pieces were done. I flipped one onto his plate and the other onto mine, drowning it in syrup. It was a bad habit; something I had done since the first time my dad made the same french toast for me.

We took our time eating, not finishing until after noon.

- - -

It was a peaceful day. I didn’t do much of anything, but I needed the lack of activity.

I was out in the sunroom sitting on a couch in front of an open door and enjoying the warmth of the late-afternoon sun. I was looking at the fence surrounding the yard. Jared had painted on it, giving it some color so he wasn’t just looking at plain black all of the time. It was a collage of words, designs, graphics, and objects that wrapped almost the entire yard. I was a bit mesmerized, consumed in trying to put myself in his head and figure out what everything meant to him, why he chose to paint the things he did, but all that came into my head was how complex it seemed and all the different meanings it could take on for me. It was duly impressed yet again by his seemingly never-ending talents.

Detached from my surroundings, I came crashing back when a hand landed on my shoulder.

I turned my head and kissed his fingers, waiting for him to speak.

"Come with me," was all he said.

I smiled, curiosity taking over. He took my hand and led me to the glass-curtained door I had noticed just the previous day.

Before opening it, he turned to me. "I don’t know why I didn’t show you this before, but you shared yourself with me last night, so now I’m doing the same."

I squeezed his hand and he opened the door, pushing me through it ahead of him. I got a few feet into the room before I stopped dead in my tracks. It was a large room and stretched the entire length of the house. At one end was an elegant black grand piano. Between the piano and the door, guitars lined the wall, and there was a couch and chair opposite them with a low coffee table in the middle. On the other side of the door, there was a drum set and a mess of equipment and wires that meant nothing to me.

I was in awe. I moved and walked down the line of guitars, studying each one. Some were on stands and some were hanging on the wall, stools placed intermittently along the way. I reached the end and found myself in front of the piano. It was one of the most beautiful pianos I had ever seen. The ivory keys stood out against the black shell, and they were calling out to be played. But not yet.

I turned and traveled the length of the room, all the way to the drum set at the other end. I tried to absorb as much of it as I could.

My thoughts were flying through my head faster than I could process them. My hung open at the thought of the legacy that had been created and refined in this room. All of the songs that made the band what they were. The songs that made the followers, the Echelon. It was almost too much to handle.

I traveled the length of the room again down to the piano.  I stood in front of it, brushing my fingers over the keys, admiring the beautiful instrument.

I looked towards the door, searching for Jared’s eyes.  But he wasn’t in the doorway anymore.  I scanned the room to find him standing behind the piano.

He nodded his head and I lowered myself to the bench.  My heart racing, I wiped my palms on my jeans.  A small part of me felt as though I were intruding.  But without speaking, he had told me it was okay.

Setting my fingers on the keys, I began playing the accompaniment that I knew so well.

Playing through the intro twice, I calmed my nerves.  I had never willingly performed for him, and I was more than a little intimidated.

“Playground school bell rings again.
Rain clouds come to play again.”

He moved and sat down next to me on the bench.  My heart picked up speed, but without breaking tempo or words, I closed my eyes and continued, losing myself in the music.

Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I am your mind giving you someone to talk to.
Hello.
If I smile and don't believe,
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream.
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken.
Hello  I am the lie living for you so you can hide.
Don't cry.
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping.
Hello I'm still here ,
All that's left of yesterday.

I finished, letting the last notes on the piano fade into nothing before dropping my hands back into my lap.  I kept my eyes closed and waited for the waves of emotion to subside.  I was shaking, and two arms wrapped around me to cradle the emotional wreck that was my body.

Sitting up I wiped my eyes and said, “What just happened,” but I was thinking aloud, not looking for an answer.

I turned on the bench and kissed him before saying, “Thank you for showing me this.  For letting me in.”  I looked into his eyes and saw that they were filled with tears, but none of them spilled over.  I reached up and touched his face, running my fingers along his eyebrows and down his cheeks.  I felt awful.  I didn’t want to hurt him.  I didn’t want him to cry because of me.  But I didn’t even know what had happened, what I had done.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, probing his gaze, trying to figure out what was upsetting him.  If I was the cause.

He gaze flicked down and he shook his head trying half-heartedly to smile.  “You sing beautifully.  You play beautifully.  You are beautiful.”

He paused between each word of the last sentence, wanting, needing to make sure I heard him, and infusing every word with compassion.

I did hear him, I did understand the words coming out of his mouth, but my reflexes took over.  I shrank away, unable to deal with a compliment that held so much power, such immense passion.  I stood slowly shook my head, moving away from the piano that had just moments before been my outlet for every emotion in my body.

In two large steps, he had caught my arm and spun me around to face him.  I couldn’t read the look on his face.

“Why can’t you believe me?” he asked, a hint of desperation lacing his voice.

It only made me feel worse.  Like I was disappointing him in the biggest way possible.  I didn’t want to believe him.  Years of experience had taught me not to take compliments seriously. The people giving them would only end up disappearing from my life.  It was only a matter of time.

“I don’t know,” I whimpered.  I hated everything about what was happening.  I hated how pathetic I was sounding.  I hated that I rejected his compliments that were coming from his heart.  I detested myself for shrinking away and for not being able to control my emotions and calm myself enough to tell him that I believed him, even if I didn’t truly mean it.  Things were spinning out of control faster than I could keep track when just moments before I had been sitting on the bench and was okay.

I didn’t know what to do.  His hands were still on my arm, but I avoided his gaze.  I knew what it would look like and it would have been unbearable to see.  Guilt-stricken, I stared at the floor.

A hand slowly slid up my arm to my shoulder and wrapped around the base of my head.  The second hand left my arm and brushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear.  I could’ve pulled away, I wasn’t being held in place anymore, but my feet wouldn’t move.

Before I knew what was happening, he had bent down and pressed his lips forcefully against mine.  Completely surprised, I just stood there.  Slowly my eyes closed and I relaxed, allowing myself to fall into the kiss.  Peripherally, I was aware that I was being lifted and then laid down onto the couch.  He lay on top of me with one hand under my back.  Our legs were wrapped around each other and his hand was pressing into the small of my back, his other hand holding one of my wrists above my head momentarily before he released it.  Feeling his tongue in my mouth, I slid a hand under his shirt and up his back, feeling his muscles ripple with every movement.  My other hand moved from his neck into his hair.  I pulled him down harder against me, countering his hand pushing up on my back.  He released me and I fell back into the couch, pulling him down even harder on top of me.

With every movement and every touch, he was speaking to me.  Showing me I was beautiful the only other way we knew how.  I knew what he was thinking; if I didn’t believe the words, surely I would believe the actions.

I fell deeper and deeper into the moment, losing myself in his touch and his kiss, letting him overpower me.  With his touch came freedom.  I was invincible, no longer masquerading as somebody I wasn’t.  I exposed every part of my being, and the only time I ever did that was through music.  Emotions wracked my body.  Pleasure, passion, love, strength.  He was bringing out the best in me and I couldn’t get enough.

My senses having been momentarily suspended, they came back to reality.  Jared’s hands were sliding up my hips, then sides, taking my shirt with them, his lips never leaving mine.  He stopped when he almost reached the top of my stomach and his hands disappeared for a second before they skimmed my hip bones, lightly brushing my skin.  It sent chills through my body causing me to shudder with pleasure.  I was completely helpless, mesmerized by his intense touch.

And then his hands were gone.  They had returned to my face, brushing the hair away.  He pulled me hard against him one last time before pulling away and propping himself up on his hands, one above each of my shoulders.

I licked my lips, disappointed it was over and wanting more.

He looked me straight in the eyes, a determined look on his face.  He was breathing heavily, like I was.  “You’re beautiful,” he said.

I waited for my body to go on the offensive again.  But I was met with nothing.  Calm and serenity prevailed.

“I believe you,” I whispered.

- - -

We lay in that room on the couch together for over an hour before I wriggled out from beneath him in need of food.

We exited the room and he closed it firmly behind him, the latch making a decisive click as it popped into place, telling me that everything that happened in that room was final, nothing could be taken back.  I smiled to myself.

“How about we go out for dinner?” Jared asked.

“Sounds good,” I said and moved towards the stairs.  I stopped and called over my shoulder, “Casual or fancy?”

There was pause as Jared decided and answered, “Fancy.”

My heart skipped a beat before I continued up the stairs and stepped into the shower.

I let the hot water run over me, calming my heart and letting me process our romantic encounter and Jared’s words.

When the room was filled with steam, I finally shut the water off and stepped out, wrapping a towel around me in the process.  Entering the bedroom, Jared was standing in front of the closet minus his shirt, presumably deciding what to wear.

I walked over to him and poked him in the side, causing him to jump.  He reached behind him trying to grab me, but I was too quick and darted away.  He never once turned around, so I crept back up behind, ran a damp finger down his spine, and kissed him on the neck before he had a chance to react.  I slipped past him into the closet and grabbed a few items before I moved back to the bathroom to get dressed.

I knew what I was going to wear as soon as he said fancy.  I had been waiting for the perfect occasion.  I quickly dried myself off and then slipped into the red silk dress I had bought in NYC the day the band had taken me on a tour of the city.  There was a black tie around the waist and black silk trim along the v-neck and hems.  I fastened the silver guitar pick necklace around my neck that Jared had bought me that same day, put in my triquetra earrings, and added a black and silver bracelet.  I debated taking my ring off because it had a turquoise stone that didn’t really match, but that ring never left my finger so I quickly rejected the idea.

Leaning over the sink to the mirror, I put in my contacts and then pulled out my make-up bag.  Digging through it, I found the one item I rarely used.  Red eyeliner.  I put a thin line on my upper lids before ringing my eyes in black.  I added a light grey/black shadow and mascara before stepping back to look at the final product.

Satisfied, I poked my head out of the door.  Jared was gone.  I silently put my stuff back in the closet, slipped on a pair of black heels, and grabbed my white skull jacket before descending the stairs.

As I entered the kitchen, Jared rose from a stool to meet me and openly looked me up and down as I approached.  I blushed, remembering yet again the words he had said just hours before.

He was wearing one of my favorite outfits.  Black pants, grey button up shirt, black vest, and a white scarf.  Simple yet stunning.

Catching my breath, I kissed him quickly and put on my jacket, ready to go.  As I pulled it on, he reached out and gently touched my necklace, both of us remembering the day he gave it to me.  Before we fell in love, or at least before we realized it.

I blinked a few times to snap out of the memory.  I smiled and pulled him down the hall towards the door.

When we got in the car, I turned to face him.  “Where are we going?” I asked.

He looked incredulous.  “You think I’m going to tell you?”

Laughing, I turned back to face the windshield, content to be surprised.

We arrived at a very nondescript building without a sign.  We entered through a heavy metal door and immediately I realized that no, he wasn’t bringing me to an empty warehouse to kill me.  Laughing softly to myself, I looked around and took in my surroundings.  It was a beautiful restaurant inside, the middle of the building opening up and exposing a second floor dining balcony that wrapped the entire structure.

When we walked in, Jared nodded at the hostess and wrapped his arm around mine, our fingers entwined, and led me through a maze of people and tables.  He drew a few glances, but not as many as I would have thought.

“You must come here often,” I commented, not sure if he heard me or not.

We arrived in front of a wrought-iron circular staircase.  My curiosity was growing more and more.  We traveled up the stairs to the second floor balcony but didn’t stop there.  Going up one more flight, we ended on a small platform.  There was only one place to go.  We passed through the only visible door and I found myself outside again in the warm night air.

We were on the roof.  There were about 15 tables spread out cross the roof and lights were strung along the railing.  There was a bar in the corner closest to where we had entered and a hostess podium to our left.

The hostess looked down at something and then welcomed us before leading us to one of the tables along the railing.  The tables were fairly spread out allowing conversation without the people at the next table overhearing.  There were chimineas set up between the tables, providing a slight bit of heat from the small fires crackling within them.

I stood at the rail and looked out before sitting down.  I wasn’t aware we were on a hill, but part of the city was spread out below us and everything was lit up like a miniature Christmas town.  It was beautiful.

“This is amazing,” I said sitting down.  He smiled, taking pleasure in how mesmerized I was.  “What is this place?” I asked.

“It’s an unadvertised restaurant that your average LA citizen doesn’t know about.  And it’s absolutely delicious.”

Our waitress interrupted our conversation and took our drink orders.  I don’t know whether it was because I was with Jared or because I looked old enough, but she didn’t ask for my ID when I ordered a glass of wine.

Examining the menu, I was taken aback.  It turns out we were in a Mexican restaurant, but it was decorated much more sophisticated and not at all Spanish or Mexican themed.

I grinned at Jared who was smiling back, pleased with how happy I was.  Mexican was my favorite.  Had I told him that?  Or was it just a lucky guess on his part?  I couldn’t remember, but it didn’t matter.

There were too many options.  I ordered a cheese and vegetable quesadilla with sides of rice and black beans.  Jared ordered an enchilada and a salad.

Service was slow, but it was meant to be slow, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

We talked for a long time, and it took forever to eat our food because of it.  We would be too immersed in a conversation and forget completely about our plates in front of us.

After a while, my stomach took over and we fell silent, enjoying each others company and our delicious food.

I was in the middle of taking a bit of my quesadilla when Jared spoke and broke the silence.

“Has anyone ever mentioned that you eat your foods one at a time?”

I dropped my fork and half choked on my quesadilla.  Finally swallowing, I looked up at him and began laughing uncontrollably.

“Frankly, I’m surprised you haven’t noticed by now,” I said, “but I suppose we haven’t eaten very many meals like this.”

“So this is something you are aware of already?”

I couldn’t stop my laughing.  “Yes, most definitely.  Ever since I was little I’ve eaten like that.  And I can’t change it either, even if I wanted to.  I don’t like my foods touching, and I eat all of one thing at once.”  I had eaten my rice first.  It was completely gone.  And then I had eaten the black beans.  They were completely gone as well.  And now I was starting on my quesadilla.  It was just the way I did things.  “I’m a little bit OCD,” I said.  “Not medically OCD, but...well the food is just one example.  I like even numbers of things, and I’m very organized.  Stuff like that.  My mother just called me anal.  I don’t know, it’s not like I’ll freak out if there’s not an even number of something though.  I’m not that bad.”

Suddenly embarrassed, I dropped my gaze for a moment, but was still laughing.  Looking back up, I saw he was now laughing too.

“Is there anything else I need to know about you?” he asked through a smile.

“Ummm.....hmmm.....not that I know of right now.  But if I think of something, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

He just shook his head and giggled in the boyish way he had and returned to his food.

- - -

The rest of dinner had been just as amazing as the beginning.  He had taken me to the most beautiful restaurant I had ever been too, and I was in a state of pure bliss.

We drove home and were met by two very eager dogs.  Jared quickly let them out while I went upstairs to change.

Opting against the flannel pants, I pulled out my black and white striped capri pajama pants.  They were thinner and much cooler for the still-warm night air.  I pulled on oversize white t-shirt over my head before descending the stairs and searching for Jared.

I stepped into an open doorway leading from the living room into the sunroom and saw him sitting on a couch looking out into nothing.  I watched him for a few moments before I quietly walked past him and outside.  There were a few lawn lights lit up, and I made my way to the edge of the pool.  I lay down with the lower half of my legs in the heated water and looked up at the stars.  Immediately I was flooded with memories of camp when I was younger.  Every night the kids would build a fire and lay around it on benches, staring up at the stars, searching for the shooting ones, making the distinction between them and airplanes, listening to the waves of the lake on the cliff below, and rarely talking.  It was the most peaceful times of my life, and sometimes I dearly missed it.  This was one of those times.

I forcefully turned my thoughts to other things.  Dinner with Jared had been amazing, and my love for him was becoming more and more apparent, stronger with every passing day or even hour.  And I could see his love for me too, simply by looking into his deep blue eyes.

I could still feel myself holding back though, not letting down my walls, and not fighting against my reflex to hide.  It was something I needed to work on.  It wasn’t fair to Jared.

Realizing how cold I was becoming, I stood and moved back across the lawn and up the steps into the sunroom.  Jared was still on the couch and he was watching me.  I walked over, but instead of sitting down, I offered my hand.  He rose and took it, and together we walked upstairs to bed.

- - -

I woke up and new it was still night.  The moon was shining in the window.  Rolling over, I felt for Jared, but he wasn’t there.

Alarmed, I sat up and searched the shadows around me.  Not hearing him or seeing anything, I crawled out from under the covers and walked to one of the shuttered openings the exposed the living room.  I pushed one open and poked my head out, looking for him below.  I didn’t see him, but I saw light coming through the curtain in the door to the music room, and listening harder I heard music.  I didn’t move and silently debated whether or not I should go down and check on him.  Deciding against it, I left the shutter open allowing the music to waft up to reach my ears, crept back to bed, and lay on my back.  I couldn’t hear words, but the emotion in the music and lyrics rang through.  The bass tones of his voice were audible, blending together and created a low purr, interrupted now and then by the strum of a chord or the pick of a note.

I listened to it for over an hour before it stopped and I heard the door open and close.  I glanced at the clock.  It was 3:15 am.  I closed my eyes and listened as he traveled down the hall and up the stairs.  I heard the door swing open across the room and softly shut behind him.

 As he moved towards the bed, he didn’t look at me, but he knew I was awake. 

He lay down facing the bathroom and closet, his back to me.

Feeling a sharp stab of compassion and comfort, I turned to my side, pressed myself up against his back, and wrapped an arm around his stomach.  He didn’t move, and he didn’t speak.

I lay still until I heard his breathing even out.  I didn’t realize I had been tense until my muscles slowly relaxed.  Letting concern fade away, my head sank fully into the pillow next to his and I drifted into sleep.

I woke up on a couch.  An extremely comfortable couch.  There were a few whispers around me.  Rolling onto my side, I peered over the edge of the couch to find Tomo sprawled across the floor. I smiled, the events of last night coming back to me, and looked over at Matt sleeping on the couch opposite mine.  I stretched and sat up, feeling surprisingly rested. 

After leaving the venue, we were all both wide awake and extremely exhausted.  By the time we got to the edge of LA, everybody’s adrenaline had calmed down and we were just bloody tired.  Shannon’s house was the first one we got to, so we unloaded the bus into his garage as fast as we could and all crashed in various places in the living room. 

The whispers I had been hearing were continuing. I twisted to the side and poked my head over the back of the couch.  My eyes landed on a window that passed through into the kitchen where Jared and Shannon were standing, each with a cup of coffee.  Jared was leaning against the counter under the window, his back to me, and Shannon was across from him leaning against the counters on the opposite wall. 

I rose from the couch and began tiptoeing to the window.  Shannon saw me but I quickly raised a finger to my lips asking him to keep quiet. 

Upon arriving at the window, I leaned through it and whispered in Jared’s ear, “Good morning.”

He jumped and whirled around, a startled look on his face.

“Success!” I whispered and began laughing silently, not wanting to wake Matt or Tomo.  I proceeded down the wall until I rounded the corner into the kitchen.  I walked over to Jared and grabbed the coffee mug from his hand, taking a sip.

“Oh, so first you think you can scare me while I’m holding a hot beverage, and then you get the nerve to take that same beverage away from me?”  He tried to sound offended while he moved to make another cup of coffee, but I could see the smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

“Yeah, that’s about right.”  I was still giggling.

He placed his new cup of coffee next to me on the counter and put one of his hands on top of each of mine, standing over me and pinning me there.  He bent slightly and kissed me.  He tried to pull me deeper by pushing me against the counter harder, opening his mouth slightly, but I was keenly aware of our audience and kissed him only lightly back.  He didn’t persist and moved away, respecting my comfort level, and returned the mug to his hands.

“So what time is it?” I asked.

Shannon checked his phone and answered, “A little past noon.”

I did the math and figured I had gotten 5 to 6 hours of sleep.  Not too bad I guess, more than I had some other nights.

“Past noon?” Jared asked, sounding surprised.  “We should go soon,” he said looking at me.  “I want to get home.”  It was totally understandable.  It didn’t matter to me if we left or not because neither Shannon’s place nor Jared’s were home to me, but it was to him and he had been gone from it for over two months.

I swallowed the rest of my coffee and moved to my bag lying on the floor by the couch.  I pulled out my pajama pants and changed out of my denim skirt from last night in a bathroom off of the kitchen.  They were flannel and a little warm for LA in May, but they were most convenient at the moment.  Examining myself in the mirror, I pulled my hair back and wiped some smudged eyeliner off from under my eyes before putting my white jacket back on over my cami.

Returning to the kitchen with my duffel bag in hand, I put my skirt and heels into it, slipped on my black sandals, and waited for Jared and Shannon to figure out the car arrangements.  Shannon handed Jared a set of keys saying he would get a ride over later from Tomo or Matt to pick it up. 

We went outside and put my bag, my guitar, and Jared’s things from the garage into the trunk and pulled out into the street.  I didn’t pay attention enough to remember the way from Shannon’s to Jared’s.  I was too busy examining the houses and trees.  It was a new environment for me, somewhere I had never been.

We turned a corner onto a quiet looking street that was on a hill.  The houses were close to each other, but not too close.  They weren’t mansions, just a little bit bigger than average.  Most had good-sized front yards and fences separating them, traveling down the sides of the houses into the backyards.  We pulled into a driveway and he shut off the engine.

I looked out the windshield and examined the house.  It was one of the smaller ones on the street, nothing making it stand out from the others.  I was relieved it wasn’t extremely big.

Jared turned in his seat and placed a hand on my knee.  He leaned over, closing the space between us and kissed me quickly.  “Ready to see my home?”

I smiled and nodded, kissing him again.

We got out of the car and I made my way towards the trunk, but he stopped me, saying we could bring everything in later.  For now, he just wanted to show me around.

He unlocked the front door and we stepped into an entryway.  Immediately two furry figures sped at us, barking and growling.  Laughing, Jared bent down and rubbed their thick coats, letting them lick his face.  I stood while they sniffed me, petting their heads and looking around.  There were three small steps up into a wide hall with stairs lining the wall on the right up to the second floor.  We continued down the hall with a few doors here and there, mostly closed, until it opened up into a living room on the left.  The ceilings were tall and a fan was hanging from the center, a fireplace on the wall opposite me.  The wall to the left contained two french doors with windows above them letting in a lot of light.  He opened one and we stepped out into a sunroom.  Floor to ceiling were windows with a couple large couches and low table, and a guitar on a stand in the corner.  The longest wall was completely glass, and I soon discovered that they were doors that opened up, like garage doors.  He opened one of them, Judas and Lucifer ran into the yard, and we moved down a few steps to a brick patio.  There were a few more chairs and a grill to the right side and an in ground pool beyond them.  The rest of the backyard was open and there were two trees near the black fence along the left side of the yard with a hammock stretched between them. I smiled, knowing I would be lying in that hammock a lot over the next month.  Wordlessly we turned and went back inside through the sunroom and living room.  The kitchen was opposite the living room; the only thing separating it was a bar.  We went back down the hall and up the stairs to the second floor.  There was a small guest room at the top of the stairs, just large enough for a double bed and dresser.  We turned a corner to the right and his bedroom opened up before us, the only other room on the floor.  On one side was a couch with windows above it down the length of the wall.  His bed was on the next wall, and in the corner opposite were two overstuffed chairs and a small end table in between.  A small walk-in closet with a pocket door and a bathroom occupied the final wall.  I walked over next to the chairs and table and pushed open a pair of shutters to find myself looking out the windows that were above the french doors in the living room.  There were two of these cutouts with shutters that opened out to look down on the spacious living area.

I turned around to look at him and said, “I love it!  You have a beautiful home.”

He smiled and graciously thanked me.  I moved over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck before pressing my lips to his, trying to make it clear how happy I was to be here with him.

We went back downstairs and I grabbed a can of Pepsi out of the refrigerator before going outside to bring in my bags.  Looking around, I noticed a glass door with a curtain in it on the wall between the living room and kitchen.  I tested the handle and it was locked.

I started to walk towards the door, but Jared was already carrying my duffel bag upstairs.  I followed him up and watched as he placed my bag in one of the chairs.

He turned around and said, “You can hang your things up if you’d like.”  He motioned towards the closet and kissed the top of my head before going back downstairs and outside to unload his things.

I stood looking between my bag and the closet, unsure of what to do.  I decided I was going to be here for a month and there wasn’t much use living out of a bag, so I hung up my clothes in an unoccupied corner of the closet and stowed my bag underneath them.

I returned downstairs, picked up my can of pop, and sat on one of the barstools to wait for him to come back.  I heard him moving around upstairs, undoubtedly unpacking his own clothes, so I opened the refrigerator looking for something to eat.  Except for bottled water and pop, it was empty.  I closed the door and turned around.  Jared was standing there laughing.  “I guess we need to go to the store.”

- - -

There rest of the afternoon passed quickly.  I was nothing but happy.  We bought over a hundred dollars worth of food at the store and came home to make a late lunch / early dinner.  After eating, I made margaritas.  He protested, but only a little, feeling the need to point out that I was under age.  But I learned how to make them from my mother, and everyone had always said that they were better than what you got at a bar or restaurant.  Jared was quick to agree.

We sat outside on the patio talking about everything we could think of.  It started with the tour and ranged from his family to my dreams to past experiences we discovered we had in common.

I was taking another sip of my second margarita when he asked about my writing.  Immediately my insides began fighting with themselves again.  He wanted to read more, I could see it in his eyes, but he didn’t want to push me.  I stood up, took his hand, and led him inside to the couch.  Leaving him there, I went upstairs to get my laptop and brought it back down to him.
Logging into my blog, I searched for the date I knew so well.  October 20^th, 2006.  It wasn’t a poem.  It wasn’t a song.  It was me at my most exposed and most emotional.  I set the computer in his lap, got up, and began pacing as he read it.
Somebody died last night. He was 16 or 17, a junior in our school. Alcohol poisoning or drug overdose. Or a combination of both. We used to hang out with him, his sister, and all the kids on our street before we moved. It's true, I never knew him extremely well, and he probably didn't remember my name, but we used to hang out. And now he's gone. It's...surreal.
My sister told me during Grey's Anatomy last night. I don't remember what happened during the rest of the show. And I don't really care. I couldn't sleep. I watched TV until my eyes couldn't stay open, but as soon as I laid down, I was wide awake. I put on my collection of acoustic 30 Seconds to Mars songs and curled up in a ball, only moving to press play again when the CD stopped. I think I finally fell asleep around 3:30, still curled in a ball, and woke in the same position at 6:15. Stayed in bed until 10:00, never moving. Before I fell asleep I went from feeling like I could cry to feeling like I could puke every five minutes. This morning for four hours while I stayed in bed I was trying to wrap my head around this having happened. I can't decide whether I've accepted his death, I'm in denial, or I'm in shock. I don't know. And I can't figure out why this is affecting me like this. It had been at least two years since we had even talked. I guess when you live in a small town and know everyone, it's hard not to be affected by a teenager's death. Especially one you used to know.
What has this shown me? You never know how long your life is going to be, so you should follow your dreams, no matter how crazy they may be.
Maybe I'm only making that connection because I've been thinking a lot about what it is I really want and the future and all that, but I don't know. It seems to really connect.
It would be a lot easier if I knew what I wanted or what my 'dreams' were. I don't really like that word, but I guess it applies.
I wasn't sure why I picked that entry.  In the middle of him reading it I started to regret it.
Thinking about him and how he had died still got to me.  I hadn't seen him in probably more than a year when he died since I had graduated from high school by then.  It was just real to me every time I thought about it that I would never ever see him again.  Which is not something pleasant to think about.
He put the laptop down on the ottoman in front of him and I sat back down next to him.
"Why did you choose to show me that?" he asked.
I let the question hang in the air, unable to answer right away.  "I don't know.  I felt compelled to show you some piece of my past.  I have to admit I'm regretting it though."
"Why are you regretting it?"
"Because I only expose myself like that to people I don't know, people I'm not connected with.  And I know that doesn't make any sense.  But when I need to write about stuff like that, I do it on this blog because I never shared the address with my friends or family.  It's a small community of people all across the country, and I don't personally know any of them.  They know me through my writing, and I know them through theirs."
"I'm sorry this happened to you."
"Yeah, so am I.  But there's nothing anyone can do about it.  It happened, and we all had to deal with it."
"Did you ever figure out your dreams?"

"I don't think so.  I mean, I always thought about things I'd like to do, but it was nothing I'd actually be able to do.  But that doesn't mean I wasn't happy," I said, thinking through each sentence before saying it, and then added, "And I'm really happy right now."
I curled into his arms, opening myself to him even more.
He sensed it and said, "There's pain connected to your past."
"I guess you could say that," I said.  His hand squeezed my arm, asking me to continue.  Not demanding, just questioning.  I thought for a moment before continuing.  "I grew up in what some people thought was the picture perfect house.  Picket fence, two parents, older brother Charlie, you know, the whole deal.  What people didn't know was that yeah, my parents were still married, but they slept in separate beds in separate rooms.  The rarely talked, never kissed each other hello, goodbye, or goodnight.  When they communicated, if you could call it that, it was through screaming.  My dad was clinically depressed and chose to take himself off of his medication when he shouldn't have.  I was woken up numerous mornings by them screaming at each other somewhere in the house.  And I couldn't stand the fact that there was nothing I could do about it.  My brother is four years older than me, he was 16 at the time, and he was rarely ever home.  Mom and dad never noticed.  I asked him to take me with him sometimes, and he would hug me and kiss me on the cheek, but then tell me that I couldn't and he was sorry.  I never knew where he went or what he did.  He was just lucky enough to avoid it all.  I was 13 when my father disappeared.  No goodbye, nothing.  It hurt.  I knew it wasn't anything I did; it was all on his end.  But I missed him anyway.  I had no idea where he went until I got a phone call when I was 16.  He didn't want to see me, he just wanted to know how I was.  I told him I was good, everything was good, lying through my teeth the entire time.  Things got better with my mom after he left.  She paid more attention, went to my track and cross-country meets.  But she never missed a chance to tell me how I disappointed her, even though I had straight A's and did almost everything she asked of me.  So I stopped listening and I stopped caring when she attacked me.  I told myself I was doing the best that I could do, and if it wasn't enough for her, nothing ever would be.  It wasn't all bad though.  We had our good times.  Vacations, holidays, going to family camp which was a tradition since before I was born.  But then graduation came and I turned down college.  My father told me long-distance that I was making a mistake, and my mother told me to my face.  She screamed at me, telling me I was on my own if I wasn't going to go to Cornell.  So I moved out.  She stopped yelling at me but never stopped being disappointed and disgusted with my choice.  I went to church with her every Sunday, brunch afterwards, and dinner at her house on Wednesday nights with Charlie up until I left to go on tour with you.  She is kind and loving to me and I love her with all of my heart, but something's missing because I know she thinks I've made bad mistakes that can't be corrected.  But we usually don't fight or yell anymore."
I stopped, realizing I had been talking for a while.  I wondered what had made me say all of that.  It was like I hadn't even been thinking about it, couldn't even stop myself.
I looked up at Jared and he was chewing on his lip, running his tongue along it every once in a while.
"I don't know what to say," was all that came out of his mouth.
This was a man that was rarely speechless, yet right now, he was.
"Yeah, I know.  But I'm okay.  I have regrets, but in a way I'm thankful my life up until now has happened the way that it has happened.  Every experience had made me who I am, and I don't want to change that."  For once, I truly believed the words coming out of my mouth.
"You are an unbelievably strong woman," he said forcefully, like he needed me to believe it.  And I did.
Not wanting to talk any more at that moment, I sank further into him, letting relief sweep my body.  There was a sense of release coursing through me, and I didn't regret telling him everything I had.  I was falling for him more and more, and I wanted him to know everything about me.  I knew more about him than he did about me, and there was a sense of guilt that accompanied that knowledge.  So I know that talking to him about my family was okay, the right thing to do.
By now it was dark outside.  I wasn't sure what time it was, but it was late.
"Come on, let's go to bed," he suggested, and lifted me off the couch.
We ascended the stairs, and I brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas in the bathroom.
Coming back into the room, I saw Jared sitting on the edge of the bed closest to the bathroom door.
Smiling, I moved around to the opposite side and crawled under the covers, lying down with my back to him.
Jared switched off the light and lay down as well.  He reached an arm around my stomach and pulled me tightly against him.  Moving backwards, closer against him, I felt the warmth of his body surround me.  He brushed the hair away and planted a light kiss on my neck, his lips barely brushing the skin.  It sent a chill through my body and he pulled me even tighter against him.
"I love you," he whispered into my ear.  Ecstasy ran through my body at the speed of light.
I turned over to face him and examined his face.  The moon was shining through the window above us, illuminating the side of his face facing up.  I ran my fingers along his cheekbone, then through his hair, bringing my hand to a stop at the back of his head.  Looking directly into his piercing eyes, I said, "I love you too," and pulled his head to meet mine.
He was smiling into the kiss at first, and then he pressed his body against mine, intensifying everything.  Pleasure wracked my body, accompanied by love and desire.  It was unlike any kiss we had shared before.  We had said the words, and something had changed, things had escalated.
My head was spinning when we broke.  We didn't speak, but lay facing each other.  I studied every inch of his face, looking into his eyes every now and then to find him staring back at me.
We didn't move, and fell asleep with our faces just inches apart.
I was happy.  Beyond words.  And I didn't want it to end.

Sorry this took a while to get up.  And it's kinda long...sorry about that as well.  I just couldn't really find a good place to cut it.

- - -

I was under the mistaken impression that we were leaving in the early morning. Instead, I was awoken to a knock on the door and a call of room service. I rolled onto my back and slowly opened my eyes, trying to adjust to the morning light. Ignoring the noise around me, I looked over at the clock. It was almost 11:00. I slightly panicked and sat up, trying to blink my contacts into place in the process so that I could focus. Suddenly there was a body on the bed next to me and a glass of orange juice stuck in my face. I could smell coffee and that was what I truly wanted, but I took the juice gratefully, downing it in three gulps. I collapsed back onto the pillow and looked at Jared, the giver of the juice. "What’s for brekky?" I looked around the room and saw all four guys awake and dressed, eating an assortment of breakfast foods. Jared had a bagel in his hand. "And more importantly, why didn’t you wake me up earlier?"
"Well you were passed out cold and we’re not leaving for another few hours, so we let you sleep." He paused before adding, "And for breakfast there are waffles, french toast, fruit salad, scrambled eggs, muffins, and some cereal. But you might want to get something before they eat it all." He motioned towards Matt, Shannon, and Tomo who were already halfway through everything.
Getting up, I grabbed a few pieces of fruit, a cranberry orange muffin, and a rather large cup of coffee. Returning to my room, I left the guys to eat together in need of some time by myself to fully wake up. Half an hour later, the muffin and fruit gone, Jared’s figure appeared in the doorway, half shadowed by the sunlight coming through the window.
"How was the breakfast?"
"Delicious," I replied and motioned with my coffee cup to reinforce the statement before swallowing the last drops. He smiled, pleased with himself, but for what reason I was not sure.
"When are we leaving?" I asked.
"Around 3:00 I think. Today we will be flying out to Salt Lake City for a show tomorrow. Then it’s down to Phoenix and finally to Anaheim to start the last leg of the tour up the West Coast. Tow more weeks and then we’re done for a month."
Two more weeks. I couldn’t believe so much time had passed already. It was surreal. Sighing, I stood and walked over to him, pushing him against the doorframe and wrapping my arms around his back. I felt him embrace me as well.
"I think I might go for a walk. Interested?" I didn’t think he would because of his painful feet, but I thought I should ask.
"No I’ll stay here. We should do some practicing or something," he said and looked through the door at the other three guys.
Nodding, I pulled away and sat on the bed to put on my sneakers.
"I’ll see you later? I won’t be too long."
"Sure," he responded and smiled before turning back to the band.
Pocketing my mp3 player, I slipped out the door, down the hall, and out into the late-morning sun. I stuck in my headphones and set it to shuffle the entire player. The first song began playing, and it was one of my favorites. "Lover I Don’t Have To Love" by Bright Eyes. The lyrics had always struck a chord in me, for whatever reason I was never sure.
In a somewhat catatonic state, I walked, paying more attention to the noise filtering into my ears than where I was headed. Some time later, I was startled back into reality by my phone vibrating in my back pocket. Stopping in my tracks, I pulled it out and answered it. "Jared?"
"Yup. How’s your walk?"
"Um, good I guess."
"Where are you?"
"Where am I?......Well I’m really not sure at the moment."
I heard him laugh on the other end. "I had a feeling you would get lost!"
"Well excuse me, I don’t have an acute sense of direction. But I am a woman, and we women ask for directions. So don’t worry, I’ll be back soon."
"Okay, good. We got an earlier flight so we can get there around dinner time and don’t starve."
"Oh, damn. I guess I’ll hurry then."
"Okay, we’ll be waiting."
I felt bad. I was hoping I wouldn’t be the cause of us being late.
- - -
Fifteen minutes later, I was back at the hotel. And ten minutes after that, I was ready to go.
Arriving at the airport, we bypassed security and boarded a small plane faster than I’d ever caught a flight before. Just another way in which it pays to be famous I suppose.
I sat against a window, Tomo next to me and Jared on the aisle. I made sure I had a window seat. I handled flying fairly well, and if it was a cloudless day, I loved seeing the land, rivers, lakes, and cities below.
I spent most of the flight with my headphones in, playing The Decemberists albums softly. I could hear pieces of Jared and Tomo’s conversations every now and then, mostly talking about guitars and upcoming shows. I didn’t interrupt.
We arrived in Salt Lake City at 7:00 pm. Whatever time that was in the previous time zone I didn’t know. But my stomach was growling.
We got our bags, headed out into the warm night air and waited for another big black SUV to pick us up.
The guys were bickering over where to go for dinner, so I let them decide. I was fine with anything. There was at least one other vegetarian in the group, so I figured I was safe.
Room service it was, for the second time that day. It was one of the fancier hotels, a suite with three bedrooms and a living room area in the middle. Dinner was delivered and we settled into the room to eat.
I picked up my pasta alfredo and chose to sit on the floor, leaning up against the wall with the bowl in my lap.
Having always been the kind of person to more comfortably sit and listen instead of taking part in conversation, I ate my dinner in silence and was entertained by the band’s constant jokes and boyish behavior. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I was uncomfortable being around them. I had grown to love all of them like my family, one more than the rest, but I was definitely past the point of awkward conversations and uncomfortable silences. I had gotten to know them all over the past month and a half, and I was unbelievably happy to be where I was.
Sometimes I just needed to withdraw and observe. I was a people watcher, fascinated by behavior. It’s a wonder psychology never appealed as a career choice.
My noodles gone, I set the bowl back on the tray, took my piece of cherry pie, and moved into my room without disturbing their conversation.
I took out my laptop and sat cross-legged on the bed, the computer in front of me and the pie next to it. Waiting for it to boot up, I unconsciously cracked my knuckles, a bad habit I had acquired in the 9th grade, and thought about what it was I wanted to write this time.
First checking my email, I sent off a few. One to mom, one to Sarah, one to Kevin, one to Eva, and one to my boss back at Salvatore’s. I had still been receiving the money and it had been a while since I had last checked in with her. I felt a bit guilty.
Having taken care of that, I opened up a new Word document.
What was on my mind?
Music.
It was a frequent occurrence being on tour with a band and all.
So I wrote. I wrote for an hour and a half, only creating a 21-line poem.
I was slightly disappointed in myself. It wasn’t very much to have accomplished for the time I spent on it.
It was only 10:30. Frustrated, I closed my computer, stood and stretched, walking to the door and poking my head around it.
Jared had an acoustic in his lap, Shannon a set of drumsticks in his hand, and they were talking quietly. Not wanting to interrupt, I stood unnoticed and watched what I assumed was a band at work. I must have stood there for twenty minutes before Matt looked up and saw me standing there. I looked at the floor, feeling like I had intruded, but when I looked back up, he motioned me into the room. I picked my way around them and curled up next to Jared to watch.
I wasn’t really supposed to know the song, but I recognized it as soon as I started listening to the soft chords he was strumming. It was Sisters of Heresy, a song I had always been curious about due largely to the fact that it was unreleased and I had found only very bad quality downloads at various places online. I had entered in the middle of their discussion, but I was pretty sure they were trying to decide parts to change and whether it was good enough to be released on a future album. I could barely contain my excitement, but nobody noticed so I must have been doing a fairly good job.
They continued like that until it was past midnight. Matt, Shannon, and Tomo disappeared into the other room to play video games or something of the sort, leaving Jared and me on the couch.
Jared broke the silence first. "Where did you disappear to a while ago?"
I shrugged. "Just writing. Nothing important."
"Everything okay," he asked, sensing my withdrawn disposition.
"Yeah, definitely." I tried to make myself snap out of it. "What are you going to do now?"
He turned my head, pulling my chin towards him. His lips softly brushed mine before moving away. He reached a hand up and brushed my hair back, looking deep into my eyes. I couldn’t resist. Leaning forward, I kissed him hard. I felt his tongue on my lips, his hands sliding down my sides and coming to rest on my lower back. I lost myself in the moment, sinking deeper and deeper into the crazy intense emotions coursing through my body.
And then I felt the kiss soften again, his hands moving from my back.
Flushed, we broke and I leaned against him.
"Can I ask you something? And you can say no without hurting my feelings."
I became more alert and replied, "Sure, anything."
"Can I read something you’ve written?"
My insides were thrown into chaos. I stayed against him, unmoving, trying to calm myself down and figure out what to do. I had never shared anything I had written with anyone except the people online whom I had never met. It was far too personal to show anyone I cared about. And in some twisted way, that always made sense in my head.
But at that moment, I knew I should show him. I knew it would be okay, I would be safe, if he did.
Wordlessly, I rose from the couch, retrieved my computer, and sat back down facing him so he couldn’t see the screen. I waited for it to wake up, deciding which of the thousands of pieces I would let him read.
I opened the poem I had written that night.
I read it once to myself and then turned the computer, placing it in his lap.
A guitar fills the air.
Immediately it consumes extraneous thoughts,
Evoking intense feeling, awakening every cell,
Tearing down protective walls.
An empty canvas set before her,
She’s free to let everything go.
Nonsensical images appear,
Filling the blank space,
Telling the story of past lives,
With conflicting thoughts and emotions.
The harmonies allow release and expression,
Sinking completely into every note,
And losing all sense of being.
Weaving encompassing webs,
It is her shelter and guard.
Revealing the true self,
It is the imperative that guides
Every minute and every thought.
Overwhelming and empowering,
Breathtaking and exhilarating.
Such is the power of music.
Looking at his eyes, I watched as he read it, then read it again. Finally he looked up directly into my eyes.
"Do you have any idea how beautiful this is?"
I turned away from him and sat up straight. "No, it’s really not."
"Yes, yes it is." He had a determined tone to his voice, yet gentle at the same time.
I just shook my head, afraid to say something that I would later regret.
He put the computer on the coffee table in front of us and put hand on each shoulder, pulling me back to him. "I wish you believed in yourself," he whispered in my ear.
"I wish I did too...Look can we just drop it for now?"
"Sure," he replied softly after a moment.
I grabbed the TV remote and lay down with my head in his lap. Turning it on, I moved to the Pay-Per-View channels, finding a movie that looked even remotely interesting. Choosing The Heathers, I dropped the remote on the floor and stretched out and half watched the movie, half-focusing on Jared’s fingers moving lightly up and down my side.
I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I knew, the TV was off and I was being guided towards a bed, my bed. And then I was horizontal, the covers pulled over me, and a kiss on my cheek. In my partially awake state, I smiled and reached out for him, but he had already disappeared through the door into his own room. My eyes closed and I was sleeping again.
- - -
I woke up early, before anyone else. I showered, changed, my clothes, and walked out into the hall, continuing outside. I chose a direction and began searching for a Tim Horton’s or Starbucks.
Coming upon a Starbucks first, I bought a large coffee and a piece of lemon loaf. Not the same as a muffin, but the best I was going to get.
Walking back out into the city streets, I returned to the hotel.
Shannon was now awake and had evidently gone out for a cup of coffee himself. I greeted him good morning and he went to wake everyone else up. They had to be at the venue in an hour.
The rest of the day passed quickly. Jared’s focus was off of me unlike it had been last night and was directed completely to the show.
When it was over that night, we got on the bus and woke up in Phoenix. They played a show there, and the next morning we woke up in Anaheim. The next morning it was somewhere else.
- - -
That was how the last two weeks of the tour passed. It was a whirlwind of soundchecks and performances, with a few bites of food thrown in here and there.
There was constantly a clock ticking in the back of my mind, counting down the days until the ending concert and when I would be returning home. I did my best to ignore it until the morning of their final concert in San Diego.
We were on the bus heading to the venue. I was curled up in my usual position, ignoring the conversation around me. Today was the last day. Tonight was the last night. And then I would be heading home. I couldn’t stand the thought of it being over, of me not seeing Shannon, Tomo, Matt, and especially Jared every day. They were my family now, and my heart was breaking. I had gotten to know Jared more than I had ever known any one person over the past months, and I had shared more with him than I ever had before. I didn’t want it to be over.
"Laura?" A voice was interrupting my thoughts.
I jumped and looked up at Jared standing over me. He sat down and turned to look at me.
"What would you say if I asked you to move in with me?"
My eyes widened. "If you don’t follow that up with a serious invitation, I’m going to kick your ass."
"Haha does that mean you would say yes?"
"I’m not going to tell you unless you’re going to actually seriously ask me to."
"In that case, would you move in with me when this tour is over, after tonight? Just for the month before the next tour. You can go home before or after that, any time you like really." He seemed nervous, like he had added the last part because he was afraid I would say no.
I moved to sit in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him lightly. "You have no idea how much that means to me. I would love to!"
Smiling, pleased with the events that had just transpired, he rocked me back against him, and we stayed like that until we arrived.
I chose to stay on the bus for the soundcheck. I wanted the set list and everything about the performance to be a surprise. After all, it was going from an almost nightly occurrence to the last one for a month.
While waiting, I pulled my guitar out from the back of the bus. It had been completely forgotten since I had walked on the bus that first afternoon, and I felt awful. It may not have been a living thing, but I loved it like it was.
I sat on the middle of the floor in the bus and started playing. This time it was Brandi Carlile’s song "Tragedy" the emanated from the guitar. I started singing, putting emotion into every word. It was a beautiful song, and the words were cutting.
Sorry I'm only
Human you know me
Grown up oh no guess again
My days always
Dry up and blow away
Sometimes I could do that too
But make no mistake that
When you need a friend
You could count on anyone
But you know I'll defend
The tragedy that we knew as
The end
Progress, changing
Growing then giving up
Somehow we're never quite prepared
But I understand it
When you need a friend
You could count on anyone
But you know I'll defend
The tragedy that we knew as
The end
So taking you with me would be like
Taking all your money to the grave
It does no good to anyone especially
The one you're trying to save
But it's so hard not to save
When you need a friend
You could count on anyone
But you know I'll defend
The tragedy that we knew as
The end.
I started playing around with a melody I had written a few years back. I had never liked it very much so I never wrote any words to accompany it. Getting frustrated like I usually do with it, I put in my headphones and played along with whatever songs came up, picking out melodies or harmonies or simply strumming chords, often learning as I went.
One of the windows on the bus was open and I heard them come out of the doors into the afternoon sun and heat. Jumping up, I stowed my guitar in the back once again and walked off the bus to meet them. It was past lunchtime and we all needed food. Instead of driving somewhere, we walked down the street to a little café they seemed to know well.
We ordered at the counter and sat in a table in the corner, trying not to be recognized. There were they few occasional autographs, but no flashing cameras or questions as to who I was.
There was no hotel to stay in tonight, so after lunch, we returned to the venue and went into the dressing room. I forbade them to talk about the show without warning me first so I could leave. I didn’t want to know a thing about it.
I was on a couch with a bottle of water and my book when Jared approached and sat next to me, immediately pulling me into a kiss.
"There is one thing you should probably know about the show tonight," he said.
"Forget it!" I pulled away from him and tried to scowl. "I don’t want to know anything. Not a thing!"
He looked like he was going to say something else but suddenly decided against it.
"Thank you," I said.
He pulled my water bottle out of my hand and took a sip.
Making a face, I took the opportunity to stand and stretch. There was an hour left until the show and there were more and more people coming into and out of the room to have fast hushed conversations with Jared or the guys. Last minute questions that needed answering.
I slipped back out to the empty bus and opened my bag, trying to decide what to wear tonight.
I settled on a denim skirt, black lace cami, and black heels. I hadn’t worn any since the night I had woken up with intense pain in my hip, but tonight was a special night. I could deal with the pain. I straightened my hair and swept my bangs to the side with a black clip. I put my contacts in, then swiped eyeliner under my eyes, shadow on my lids, and a bit of mascara on my lashes. Looking at the final product in the mirror, I slipped on the lightweight jacket I had bought in Toronto with Sarah, white with a silver-riveted skull on the back.
I stepped back off the bus and peeked around the corner of the building, looking at the mass of people waiting to get in. They had already opened the doors, but the line was slow moving. I smiled, proud that there were this many people here to see the show. I was always impressed.
I slipped back inside to the dressing room. The guys were standing in a circle talking to each other. It was a pre-show ritual that I never intruded upon. Instead, I leaned against the wall by the door and waited for them to finish.
They broke apart and I saw Shannon nod his head in my direction to Jared whose back was turned to me. Jared turned around, smiled, and walked over to me. He had changed his clothes as well and applied his own makeup. Not anything crazy tonight, just some eyeliner. They were all dressed head to toe in white, white bandanas around the necks, and there was a pile of masks on the table not too far away.
"Don’t you look bloody smashing!" he said as he approached in a fake British accent.
"I try," I began, but before I could finish, his lips were pressed against mine. A hand on my cheek, he pushed me up to the wall I had been leaning against, trapping me there. I lost myself, wrapping an arm around his back and pulling him harder against me.
Somewhere around us I heard a voice yell "10 minutes!"
Jared slowly pulled away, grinning childishly. "Are you ready for this?"
"Hell yes!" He put his hand on my lower back and guided me through the door and down the hall until it opened into the backstage area. I started to make my way out to stand in front of the stage, but a hand reached out and grabbed my arm. He pulled me back to him and talked into my ear so I could hear him over the noise of the opener.
"Are you sure you want to stand out there?" he asked. There was a look of concern on his face.
"I’m positive. I wouldn’t miss this for anything."
He reluctantly let go of my arm. I couldn’t fathom why he wouldn’t want me to stand in front, but I dismissed it. There was no way I wasn’t going to see this show from the front. It was the finale.
The crowd was louder than any other show I had been to. Screaming the words, they were asking for even more from the band they loved so much. They were asking for the night to last, for something special for the last show. It wasn’t tangible, it was something that was different for every person in the room. There was something I needed to, but I couldn’t pinpoint it.
The show was going amazingly well, the crowd responding to every word and every note. The Fantasy had just ended and Jared walked to the side to retrieve his guitar. To my horror, he walked back to center-stage with not Pythagoras over his shoulder, but an acoustic.
"Fuck," I said to myself, unable to be heard by anyone over the noise of the crowd. This was what he wanted to tell me earlier, and this is why he didn’t want me standing here.
I dug my toes into my heels and told myself that it was nothing and I was going to be fine. I wouldn’t cry and I would successfully hold myself together.
He looked down at me before he started playing.
As usual, I held myself together until the second verse began. I felt the tears beginning to form, getting a tingling in my nose. A blinked a few times, trying to clear them away, but a few slid down my cheeks anyway. I closed my eyes and focused on staying upright. A few more tears fell before the song ended, but I had managed to keep myself from crumpling to the ground. I opened my eyes and Jared was standing in front of me. He had jumped off the stage and had a hand on each shoulder, looking into my eyes and ignoring the reaching crowd behind us. It was too loud to speak, but I nodded my head and smiled. I was okay for now, I wasn’t upset and I wasn’t mad. He brushed a stray tear away, the most affection he could show in front of everyone like that.
He hopped back onstage, exchanged guitars, and finished the show. As they exited the stage, I returned to the backstage area looking for Jared who was in turn looking for me. I was walking towards him when he saw me. Moving to meet me, he immediately wrapped me in a hug whispering words I couldn’t make out into my ear.
I pulled back and looked him directly in the eyes. I could see the pain and regret in them.
"I almost changed the set list," he said loud enough for me to hear this time.
"That’s ridiculous! Look, it’s my own fault. I didn’t want to know anything about the show, and you respected that even though you didn’t want to. So thank you. And I’m okay now. I’m okay."
He didn’t look reassured, but they had to get to the autograph table.
I kissed him on the cheek and released my hold around his waist, following them out into the screaming fans that were waiting.
It was my favorite part, second only to the show itself. I loved that they dedicated so much time to their fans, the Mars Army and the Echelon. After all, what was a band without fans? But this was different. It was a family, not just kids and even adults admiring a famous band. I myself recognized many of the people wearing their Echelon hoodies or wristbands.
I watched the entire thing with a smile, remembering the night I had gone through the same line. The night that had started everything.
Finally everybody was gone and we went outside. I was emotionally exhausted, so I went onto the bus to wait for them to sign and take pictures with the fans waiting by the bus. I lay down without changing and listened to everything going on outside through the half-open window. The voices got quieter and quieter until the only ones I heard were that of Jared, Tomo, Shannon, and Matt. They boarded the bus and collapsed into various seats. Jared laid down in the space behind me and brought an arm around me, his hand resting on my stomach.
I smiled and sank into him as he whispered in my ear, "It’s time to go home."

It's a bit long....sorry.

 

 

As soon as my eyes opened, I was very aware of the excruciating pain in my hip.

“Fucking heels,” I cursed.  “I knew I shouldn’t have worn them.”

 

Jared got up, being careful not to move my legs too much, and brought me my magic bottle of pills.  Dropping one in my mouth, I swallowed it dry and collapsed onto my back, waiting for relief.

 

“This is the worst it’s been in weeks,” I said to Jared who was kneeling next to me, his brow furrowed.  I tried to smile reassuringly, and he got up to check on something with the bus driver.

 

“Any better?” he asked when he returned.

 

“It’s getting there.  How much longer until we’re off this bus?”

 

“We’re in the city now.  30 minutes until we get to the hotel.  I’ve made the executive decision to drop you off before we go to setup.  You should stay off your leg until tonight.”  He was still concerned, in a fatherly sort of way.  “And wear sneakers to the show,” he added.

 

Grumbling a bit, I nodded consent and got up to put a sweatshirt on.

 

Sitting back down next to him, I pulled my knees to my chest like I did so often and tucked my hands inside my sleeves.

 

He put his arm around my shoulders and whispered in to my ear, “How are you?”

 

“I miss them already,” I mumbled, half speaking in to my sweatshirt.  The events of last night were vivid in my mind.

 

He pulled me to him and kissed the top of my head, replying “I know.”

 

“But I’ll be okay,” I said, trying to believe what I was saying.  “Eventually.”

 

I looked up, trying to read his face, but he seemed to be experiencing ten consecutive emotions and it was hard to follow.  I thought I glimpsed regret, concern, sadness, and even a hint of a smile.

“I know it’s not the same, and it never will be, but you have me,” he said and pulled my face to his for a split-second kiss before allowing me to respond.

 

“I have you?”

 

“If you want me,” he whispered.  I smiled contentedly and returned to leaning against him.

 

Over the past month, and from phone conversations before that, I felt like I almost knew this man beside me.  Sometimes it still took me by surprise, that it was really him.  But it was. 

 

A silly grin spread across my face and I was lost in though until a hand rubbing my shoulder eventually registered.

Sitting up straighter, I looked around.  Shannon, Matt, and Tomo were still sleeping and Jared was getting to his feet.  We were in the hotel parking lot.  I slowly rose, feeling my hip stiffen, then slowly relax.

 

“So this is when I’m shunned?”

 

“Of course!  We don’t like you any more, so we’re dropping you off, never to return,” he replied with a completely straight face, looking me dead in the eyes.

 

My jaw dropped.  It was almost believable.  “Damn you’re good,” I said before hobbling past him.

 

“Thank you very much,” I heard him say behind me in his best Elvis impersonation.

 

Laughing, I descended the steps into the rather bright parking lot.  Pulling my hood up, I waited until Jared appeared.  Walking towards the hotel door, he took my bag from my shoulder and led me inside.  Checking in to another three bedroom suite, he ushered me up to the room and set my stuff on a chair.  I fell onto the bed, really tired for an unidentifiable reason.

 

“Okay, I should go.  But we’ll be back in two and a half.  Three hours tops.  Promise.”

 

“No rush,” I said and watched his retreating figure.  Before he closed the door, he looked back and smiled.

 

- - -

 

I must have sat on the bed, an empty notebook page and pen before me, for over two hours, in a trance.  I felt like I needed to write something.  I just apparently didn’t know what that something was yet.  The Naproxen having taken full effect with the help of three Ibuprofen, I stood up and started to pace.  Completely frustrated and bored, I pulled out my Sidekick and sent off a text message to Jared.  “How dare you leave me here?!?!?  You have NO IDEA how fucking bored out of my skull I am right now!”  I knew he wouldn’t read it if he was in the middle of something, so I wasn’t too worried about interrupting him.

 

Dropping the phone back onto the bed, I stood and stared at it, wondering what to do next.  And then it vibrated, jumping around on the comforter.  Quickly snatching it up, I read his response.  “Well excuse me for looking out for your health!  Remind me, I won’t do it again.”

 

I could practically hear the sarcasm.

 

“When will you be getting your asses back here?”  Again I waited, staring at the phone.

 

The response was almost immediate.  “Any minute.  We’re just leaving the venue.”

 

“SPECTACULAR!”

 

I sat back down, waiting to hear the sound of the door opening in the other room.  When it finally did, I flew off the bed, through the adjoining door, and skidded to a halt on the carpeting.  All four guys stopped and stared at me.

“You’re an ass,” I said, directing the comment at Jared.  “Don’t you ever leave me alone again!!  I do not entertain myself very well.”

 

Still they stared, apparently quite taken aback.

 

Shannon snapped out of it first.  “No problem.  We won’t let Jared do it again.”  He smiled and winked at me before continuing through the second adjoining door, his bag in his hand.

 

Tomo and Matt followed, leaving Jared still looking at me.

 

I looked away for two seconds and I was tackled to the bed.  Apparently, Jared was no longer standing by the door staring.  No, he was on top of me, pinning my arms down, rendering me helpless.  Kicking my legs but not making contact with anything, I twisted an arm loose and pushed him off of me onto the floor.  Jumping off the bed, I made a run for my room but was grabbed around the waist before I reached the door.  Flailing, I was dropped back onto the bed, my knack snapping back before hitting the comforter.  Blinking, I looked up and saw Jared’s face, a goofy smile from ear to ear.

 

“Do I need to hold you down or do you admit defeat?”

 

My body hurt.  It wasn’t from being attacked and fighting back, it was that added to extreme exhaustion.  “You win, you win!” I yelled.  As I started to sit up, I grabbed his arms and pulled him onto the bed, rolling on top of him and straddling his stomach.  “Or maybe I win!” 

 

But he was stronger than me.  He managed to get his arms free and he pulled me down on top of him, hard, before flipping me over onto my back.

 

My head was spinning I was laughing so hard.  It was useless, I had lost.

 

“I win,” he whispered down into my ear.

 

“Yes, you win you win.  And this time I mean it!”

 

“Victory is sweet,” he said and moved on top of me.  Bringing his face close to mine, he murmured, “Did I hurt your hip?”

 

“Mmm mmm.”  I slightly shook my head, anticipating what was coming next.

 

He brought his head the rest of the way, his lips pressing against mine, softly at first.  I let myself go, bringing a hand around his neck, pulling him harder against me, willing it to last. 

He complied, but only for a few moments before pulling away and slowly moving off of me.

 

Suddenly, him having left me alone this morning didn’t matter.

 

I turned on my side and watched him.  He was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, looking contemplative.  Like he wasn’t sure what had just happened.

 

I reached over placing a hand on his arm, bringing him out of his trance.  “What’s wrong?”

His eyes flicked over to me before returning to the ceiling.  “Nothing.”

 

I didn’t want to press him, so I let it go.  Sitting up, I asked what time we were leaving for the show.  We had three hours, so I went back to my own bed, set my phone for two hours, and curled up to sleep.

 

- - -

 

The show that night was amazing.  One of the best ever.  I couldn’t pinpoint what made it so spectacular, whether it was my perception or the actual performance, but I didn’t dwell.

 

Before the show, Jared informed me that they would be playing A Modern Myth.  After that first night I broke down, he made a point of letting me know if it was in the set list.  If it was, I stood backstage for the show instead of in front of the barrier.  Crying in front of fans was not something I wanted to do.  But I had been getting better about it.  I could make it through half of the performances without issue.  And this night I was okay.  There were a few stray tears, but no sobs and no having to sit down.  He checked on me afterwards while switching guitars like he routinely did and seemed relieved to find me standing up.

 

When we returned to the hotel, I changed and made my way to his room for our traditional talk.

Shannon was already in bed, headphones in and a pillow over his head.

Jared was sitting with his legs crossed in front of him, blackberry in hand.  I lay down across the foot of the bed and waited for him to finish.  He put it down on the table next to him and looked at me, clasping his hands behind his neck.  He didn’t say a word.

 

“Are you ready to tell me what was wrong this afternoon?” I asked.  I hoped I wasn’t being too prying, but we had talked about things like this numerous times before.

 

His eyes avoided mine, and it struck me as unusual behavior for him.

 

“I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.”

 

“And what is it that you’re doing?”

 

“Dragging you on tour with us.  I know you miss your friends and family; it just feels like I’m being selfish.”

I bolted upright, but before I could speak, a grumbling Shannon rose out of bed and stumbled through the door into my room, closing it softly behind him.  It appeared we were being too loud.

 

Turning my attention back to a disturbed Jared, I replied emphatically, “You ARE NOT dragging me along.  Okay?  I want this.  I need this.  This is...the best experience of my life, and you couldn’t make me stop now.”  I moved closer to him.  “Do you believe me?”

 

“Yeah, I do.”  His face softened a bit, but I could tell something was still wrong.

 

“There’s something else,” I prodded.  I knew when I would cross the line into too prying, but I wasn’t there yet.  This was important.

 

Suddenly I knew the words before they came out of his mouth.  It was something that had happened but hadn’t been talked about.

 

“The more I get to know you, the more time I spend with you, the more I fall for you.”  He reached over and brushed the bangs from my eyes, searching in earnest for a reaction.

 

A thousand funny responses popped into my head.  It was my instinct to try and lighten the mood.  But now was not a time for humor.

 

“I couldn’t agree more,” I said, smiling softly.

 

“But I’m 15 years older than you.”

 

“It doesn’t matter,” I firmly said.  “My mom’s friend married a woman 25 years older than him, and they are the happiest couple I have ever seen.  No lie.”

 

At least I got a momentary smile from that.

 

“Are you sure?” he asked.

 

“Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I think I am.  I’m not good at denying feelings.”

 

“Then so am I.”  I leaned in and kissed him, being the one to take the action this time.  I felt him relax beneath me, his hands circling my waist.  When I pulled away, he kept a hand on my back, so I lay down with my head on his chest.  We didn’t speak, we didn’t need to.

 

I listened to his heartbeat, feeling the rise and fall of his chest.  In time, his heart and chest slowed, a sign he was asleep.

 

Knowing I wouldn’t sleep, I slowly lifted his arm and moved off of the bed.  I scrawled a note to him telling him where I would be, left it in the space I had occupied next to him, and I slipped into my room to grab my bathing suit.  Before I headed downstairs to the pool, I took one last look at the man I had a new relationship with, wondering where it would take me.

 

- - -

 

I swam laps.  Laps after laps after laps.  I was never on the swim team or anything like that, but I always thought better when I was doing some form of physical activity.    I came above the water at the edge to rest and came face to face with a pair of silver crocs.  I pulled myself out of the water and sat down next to him.

 

“Why are you up?” I asked.

 

“I’m not sure.  I woke up and you weren’t there anymore.”

”I couldn’t sleep.  But that’s something that occurs every once in a while.  I needed to release some energy.”  I started shivering, so I got up and wrapped a towel around me, sitting down on a lounge chair to face him.  “Why did you come find me?”

 

“Because I knew there wouldn’t be a lifeguard here at this hour.”  There was worry in his eyes, but I guess I couldn’t blame him.

 

I got up and he rose as well.  “Thank you.  But I’m okay now.  Do you want to go back?”

 

“Absolutely,” he said.  He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and we walked back to the room.

 

When I came out of the bathroom from changing, he was already asleep.  The glowing red numbers on the clock caught my eye.  4:48 am.  Yawning, I crawled into the bed previously occupied by Shannon and fell asleep, trusting Jared to wake me on time in a few short hours.

The alarm on my phone went off at 8:00. I dragged myself out of bed, still feeling thoroughly exhausted after having had only five hours of sleep. I quickly showered and dressed in blue jeans, converse, and my Johnny Cupcake’s "Make Cupcakes Not War" t-shirt, pulling a David DeMarie Dance Studio hoodie over my head. I had had the sweatshirt since I was 8 years old and had quit dancing the next year, but I loved that hoodie and the memories it carried. And it still fit.

Grabbing my bag, I knocked on the half-open door connecting my room with Jared and Shannon’s. Being told to come in, I found not only Jared and Shannon but Matt and Tomo as well, all waiting by the door with their bags in hand. "Oh. Sorry. Were you waiting for me?"

"I was just going to come and make sure you weren’t still sleeping," Jared said, grinning.

Following them out the door, we checked out in the lobby and headed outside. Expecting to see the bus, I was surprised to see a large black SUV waiting at the curb.

"What are we doing?" I asked.

Not replying, Shannon took my bag off my shoulder, put it in the back, and Tomo escorted me into the SUV, followed by everyone else. Again I asked, "What’s going on?"

Jared was sitting next to me. "Well today we have the day off. And since you’ve never been in the city before, we have taken it upon ourselves to plan a day of sightseeing for you!"

My jaw dropped and I turned and hit his arm. "You can’t be serious!"

"I most certainly am!"

"You didn’t have to do that… So where are we going first?"

Jared began in an announcer voice, "Central Park. We will be visiting Strawberry Fields and the Dakota across the street from the park. Then we’re going to drive through Times Square and down to lower Manhattan. We will then board a boat to the Statue of Liberty in the New York Harbor."

I was amazed. I knew they had been to this city before numerous times and must have seen all of this already, yet they were doing it again for me.

- - -

The day passed like a dream. Exploring NYC had been something I always wanted to do, and here I was doing it with 30 SECONDS TO MARS. Unbelievable.

After a quick breakfast in a little diner on some side street, we followed the schedule Jared had stated. Once everything on the list was completed, we went shopping. H&M, Daffy’s, Macy’s, and other little shops around the city. I didn’t want to buy too much because I knew we’d have to bring it with us on the bus and space was limited, but I did buy myself a pair of black skinny jeans, a red dress, and a white and red striped scarf.

Once back in the SUV to return to the bus, Jared placed a blue jewelry box on my leg. Completely startled, I almost knocked it to the floor.

"What is this?" I asked. When I didn’t receive a response, I opened it. No way. It was a necklace I had picked up to buy four different times in Macy’s. A silver guitar pick on a silver chain. "Shit. Thank you. Oh my god, thank you so much!" After reaching over to hug him, I fastened the necklace around my neck.

- - -

The next morning, I woke up in Camden. And then in Lowell, Uniondale, and Asbury Park. Most nights spent on the bus, I woke up in different city almost every morning.

After the show in Asbury Park, Jared asked me if I wanted to know where we were going next. I usually didn’t ask, I like surprises, but he had brought it up so I thought it might be important.

"Sure. Where?"

"Buffalo."

"Buffalo, New York? Fuck!! No way!!" I screamed, sufficiently disturbing Shannon, Tomo, and Matt.

"Fuck yes," Jared responded, taking pleasure in how happy it was making me. "At the Town Ballroom."

I immediately pounced on him, delivering a huge hug. Moving back to my seat, I pulled out my Sidekick and immediately texted Sarah. "Bitch, you’re never going to believe it!!! Tomorrow, the band is playing at the Town Ballroom!! You had better be there to see your long lost friend! And bring people, tickets are on me."

Almost immediately, I got a reply. "Way ahead of you dear. Kevin, Eva, and I already bought tickets!! Come see us before the show okay?"

"Hell yes!! Can’t fucking wait."

Flipping my phone closed, I pulled out my laptop to update my blog for the first time in two weeks. I knew I was too excited for sleep.

When I woke up in the morning, the computer was still in my lap and we were parked in front of my apartment.

- - -

After dropping off a few useless articles of clothing I had originally packed, we headed over to the venue. Walking through the doors, it felt like I was home. I had attended countless concerts here and knew my way around it like the back of my hand. The owner knew me, so I slipped behind the bar for a few bottles of water for everyone and then we went to the stage. Standing in the pit in front of the stage, all of those unbelievable nights of concerts came rushing back at me and a huge grin spread across my face.

After they had set up, we went back to my apartment to hang around before it was time for the show.

I was curled up in the recliner being amused by the guys’ constant joking when my Sidekick started singing John Lennon’s "God".

Muttering obscenities, I pulled it out and flipped it open. A message from Sarah asking if we had gotten into the city yet. Quickly texting back an affirmative, I said aloud, "Hey do you guys mind if I leave for a couple of hours. Some friends want to see me while I’m in town, before the concert tonight."

"How many friends," Tomo asked.

"Three. I’ll only be gone two hours. Can you survive on your own here?"

"Why don’t you tell them to come over here? We want to meet your friends." Jared said.

I was stunned. I didn’t think they’d want to do that, but it was their call. "Are you sure? They’re going to be at the concert later, you could just meet them then…"

"Positive," Shannon said, giving his opinion.

Matt nodded his head.

I texted Sarah back. "Why don’t you guys come over here? The guys are here and they say they want to meet you…BUT YOU HAVE TO BE MATURE AND NOT ALL FANGIRLY-ISH. Clear?"

Two minutes later I got a "FUCK YES!!! 10 minutes."

Smiling, I slipped the phone back in my pocket, waiting for the knock on the door.

When they arrived, things were calm. No screaming or anything. I was actually quite proud of my friends. Kevin kissed me hello, which wasn’t unusual for him, but it provoked a questioning look from Jared as if to say "You didn’t tell us you had a boyfriend." I shook my head no.

After half an hour and a six-pack of beer, we started playing Scene It, a game that I never knew the answers to even though I owned it. Us against the band. Needless to say, they won. They were 10 to 15 years older than us and knew almost every single movie and actor that came up.

Time passed and it was time to leave for the show. We were running a little late, so I grabbed some clothes out of the closet, shoved them in a bag, and took them with us.

After changing in the bathroom, I left my friends at the bar and went to the band’s dressing room. They had all changed their clothes and Jared was applying thick black eyeliner and purple shadow. Soundcheck was over and there was only 20 minutes left until the opener began, the fans already beginning to file in.

A voice broke into my thoughts. "Where are you going to be during the show?" It was Jared, now looking at me.

"I was thinking I’d stay in the crowd with Sarah, Kevin, and Eva. Assuming they ever leave the bar…"

"Why don’t you stand in front of the barrier with them, avoid the crowd." He smiled in a mischievous kind of way and added, "Because I wouldn’t want you to mess up your outfit. After all, it did take you 25 minutes to put on!"

I thought about what he said, realizing it really had taken me that long. I was wearing my black skinny jeans from NYC, a white and purple striped shirt, and another pair of black heels. My hair was down, bangs swept to the side, and for once, I actually had my black framed glasses on. I thought I looked pretty damn good, but 25 minutes was still a long time.

Snapping back to reality I said, "You shouldn’t talk! You’re the one standing in front of the mirror for 15 minutes before every show, making sure the eyeliner looks okay." I laughed, unable to stop myself.

"Seriously though," he said. "Bring them up with you."

"Okay, awesome. Thanks." I left the room to get a drink with my friends during the opener. After they played, we made our way to the front of the crowd. I argued with the security guy to pull the barrier aside for us until the guitar guy from the first concert came over and assured the security guy that it was okay. Taking our places at the end of the barrier, we awaited the show.

- - -

At the end of the last song, Jared jumped off the stage in front of us and escorted the four of us backstage, reaching out to the fans in the front as we passed. We waited in their dressing room for an hour while they autographed and another hour and a half while they took pictures and talked with the Echelon waiting by the bus. I had become accustomed to it all, but my friends were bewildered and intrigued through the entire process.

We finally started driving, dropping everyone off at Sarah’s house after I said my goodbyes and returning to my apartment. Before I could get up to go inside, Jared said "I’m really sorry, but we can’t stay here tonight. We have to be in Columbus by the morning."

I was slightly disappointed, but not all that surprised. "Not a problem," I said. "Can I just exchange some clothes?"

"Sure. I’ll come with you."

Once inside, he went to the refrigerator and got a bottle of water before following me and leaning in the doorway of my bedroom, watching me take clothes off the hangers in my closet. He must have been able to tell that I was disappointed. He walked over and sat on my bed. "I’m sorry."

"Don’t worry about it," I said. "I’m just glad I got to see them."

"I know you missed them. And I know you’re going to again. You don’t have to go with us you know…"

My had snapped up. "Yeah, I missed them. But I would never pass on touring with you guys. Never. It’s been unbelievable, and I’m not ready for it to end yet." He smiled. "Thank you for scheduling a date here though…if you did it intentionally. Just…thanks for everything you did tonight…" I trailed off, my voice catching in my throat. Sarah, Eva, and Kevin were my lifelines and I loved them. It hurt knowing it would be months before I would see them again.

Jared stood up and walked around the bed to where I was standing. He took the shirt from my hand and turned me to look at him. "It was the least I could do," he said softly.

I tried to smile, feeling tears forming. I didn’t want to cry. "It meant a lot…" I whispered, but before I could continue, Jared wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into a soft kiss.

Taken completely by surprise, I felt myself relax and fall into him just a little bit, my eyes closing.

As quickly as it began, it was over. He pulled back, moving his hand to touch the guitar pick necklace he had given me, which had never left my neck since that day in the SUV, and then to my cheek to brush away a lone tear that had escaped.

Silently, I finished packing my bag and we walked out to the bus.

I laid down, stealing glances at Jared every few minutes. My heart was racing, my mind trying to process what had happened minutes before.

Jared appeared, the last bite of a granola bar in his hand. He lifted my feet to sit down, placing them back in his lap.

We woke up in the same position.

Jared wrote down what everyone wanted, handed me $40, and steered me towards the door of the bus.  Realizing that we were now in a big city and they would be easily recognized, I went into Tim Horton’s and got everybody’s food.

 

I was attacked when I stepped back onto the bus.  You would have thought that they hadn’t eat in days.  Laughing, I settled back into the corner of the couch and nibbled my muffin, being seriously entertained by the guys inhaling their food.

 

Within 10 minutes, we were at the venue.  Stepping off the bus, I read the sign above the door.  Roseland Ballroom.  We walked inside into a dimly lit hallway in the back of the building and were met by someone Jared obviously already knew.  They all started talking about things I didn’t understand, so I took it upon myself to explore.  I peeked into every room we passed on our way.  Some were full of equipment and some looked like dressing rooms.

 

All of a sudden there were noises behind me.  Startled, I whipped around to find some very strong looking men dragging equipment with arrows on it.  Obviously 30 Seconds to Mars’.  Where had that come from?  Did it fit on the bus?

 

Dismissing it, I followed close behind Shannon until we emerged onstage.  Jared was talking with the guys about the set list, so I left them alone.  Walking to the edge of the stage, I looked out into the empty auditorium.  It was enormous.  Closing my eyes, I tried to imagine what it would be like to be standing here, lights flashing, a guitar on my shoulder, singing into the microphone with thousands of people screaming along.  It was hard to think about.

 

“What are you doing?” was whispered in my ear.

 

Embarrassed, my eyes flew open and I spun around to find Jared watching me, his hands clasped in front of him.  Feeling my cheeks turn red, I said, “I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to be you.”  I hoped I had successfully evaded the question.

 

Jared just laughed.  “I find it hard to believe myself sometimes.”

 

With that, he turned back to oversee the setup.  I descended the stars on the side of the stage and made my way to the front to watch and listen to the soundcheck.  It was fascinating to see this aspect of the show.  The concerts were always spectacular, and I never had really thought about what went on behind the scenes.

 

Three hours later, we returned to the bus and drove to the hotel.  Expecting a Motel 6 or something, I was pleasantly surprised with a Holiday Inn.  A suite with three rooms and four bathrooms had been reserved.  When we entered the room, I made my way to the smallest bedroom with just one double bed, correctly assuming that it was mine.  Dropping my bag at the foot of the bed, I lay down on top of the covers and stared at the ceiling.

 

The next thing I knew, Jared’s head was poking around the door into my room.  His hair was half straight and half wavy, his face mostly eyeliner-less.  He was smiling at me.

 

I propped myself up on my elbows trying to focus on what was coming out of his mouth.

 

“One hour until we leave for the concert.  You’re welcome to stay here and sleep some more if you like.”  He laughed, knowing I would ever choose to stay at the hotel.

 

Yelling thanks, I jumped out of bed, grabbed my duffel, and went into the bathroom to shower.  Half an hour later, I emerged, clean, and fully dressed in blue jeans, a red cherry printed t-shirt, and a sleeveless black sweater pulled over it.  My hair hanging wet in my face, I quickly blow-dried and straightened it and pulled it back from my face with a black clip, a few shorter pieces falling back out.  I popped my contacts in, and with a quick sweep of eyeliner and mascara, I was ready to go.  Slipping on my black heels, I examined the final product in the full length mirror on the back of the door.  I was unsure about the heels, but I had taken four Ibuprofen with a Naproxen so my hip should be okay, and I had always prided myself on being able to stand in heels for hours and hours without pain in my toes.  I figured I wasn’t going to be out in the crowd, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

 

Peeking around the doorframe, I found Jared standing in front of a mirror, dressed head to toe in black, applying blue lipstick.  Grinning, I stepped fully into the room.  Seeing my reflection in the mirror, he turned and looked me up and down.  “Well don’t you look fabulous this evening!”

 

“And the same to you kind sir,” I replied, settling into the armchair.

 

When everybody was ready to go, we made our way out to the bus and traveled the 15 minutes to the Roseland.  Driving by, we could see the lines of people already waiting to get in.  We entered into the same dim hallway that we had earlier that day, but this time were led to a rather large dressing room.  Examining my surroundings, I was unaware of what was going on around me.

 

I turned from a table with bottles of water and fruit on it to find that I was alone in the room.

Walking out into the hallway, I attempted to remember the path we had taken earlier that morning, and ten minutes later I arrived at the backstage area.  There they were.  How nice of them to tell me they were leaving.

Watching them at work, I leaned against the wall on the side of the stage.  Amazed by how professional and aware they seemed, I didn’t notice the guy next to me setting up the rack that held the guitars.  When I looked over and saw him, I jumped about a foot.  Introducing myself, I turned my attention back to the stage to see Jared approaching me.

 

“Thanks for leaving me back there,” I said, trying my hardest to sound hurt but failing miserably.

 

“Haha well I’m glad you found us!”

 

“So how does this work exactly?” I asked.

 

“Well, in ten minutes, they will start letting people in.  45 minutes later, the first opener will play for half an hour.  Then the second opener for anther half an hour.  Then they change the stage around a little, and we go out and play for...as long as we want.”

 

“And where should I be through all of this?”

 

“Anywhere you want.  Waiting with us in the dressing room until we go out or watching the openers, and while we’re out there, you can stand right here, you can go out in the crowd, or you can stand in front of the stage in front of the barrier to avoid the moshing.  And you can come out with us when we go to meet everyone and sign autographs, or you can wait on the bus.  Whatever your heart desires,” he said with a smile.

 

He went back to the dressing room with Shannon, Tomo, and Matt, but I chose to stay and watch the fans enter the aud and the openers perform.  They were good.  They weren’t comparable to 30 Seconds to Mars, but was any band?  No.

 

Finally, Matt and Shannon appeared backstage, followed closely by Jared and Tomo.  Shannon was tapping his drumsticks against the wall next to him, energy emanating from his body.  I couldn’t tell if they were nervous or if they were just psyching themselves up for the show.

 

Their entrance music began, and one by one they made their way onto the stage met by deafening cheers.  Before Jared stepped onto the stage, he reached over to give me a hug and I whispered “Good luck,” into his ear, doubting he actually heard me.  The man I had introduced myself to earlier slipped Pythagoras over Jared’s head and he ran out onto the stage, full of life.

 

Fully turning my attention to the stage, I heard the opening sounds of A Beautiful Lie.  Almost immediately, Jared looked down at his feet and began spinning around, the white guitar flying out by his side.  I was enthralled.  Songs passed and I was completely captivated watching this man throw himself into every song like it was the performance of his life.  He came to the edge of the stage and handed Pythagoras over in exchange for an acoustic.  His earpiece was hanging on his chest.  He threw a concerned look over my way, like he knew what was coming, but it didn’t register with me.

 

He walked back to the center of the stage and quieted everyone.  “This is a song, performed for a friend here tonight.  She knows who she is.”

 

I snapped out of my trance, the acoustic guitar now registering.  Fuck.  No, he can’t be doing this.  He looked again in my direction at the edge of the stage before strumming the first chord.

I told myself I was going to hold it together.  I told myself that I was stronger than this, that I was going to be okay.  And I was, until the second verse started.

 

The words cut through me and I lost control.  Turning my back, I leaned against the wall next to me and slid to the ground hugging my knees to my chest.  Closing my eyes, I let go.  There was no use trying to fight against it, my efforts were futile.

 

The goodbyes seemed to last forever.  What was it about this song, these words?  It was something I had yet to figure out, but I both hated and loved that it could affect me so strongly.

 

Hands appeared on my shoulders and a simple apology was whispered in my ear.  Turning to face him, meekly smiling to let him know I wasn’t mad, he brushed a tear from my chin before returning to the stage to end the night with The Fantasy.

 

I pulled myself to my feet and made my way to the bathroom before they exited the stage, wanting to clean the running makeup off my cheeks before going out with them for autographs.

 

I emerged and found Jared leaning next to the door waiting for me.  I nodded so he would know that I was okay, and he led me to a set of double doors where Shannon, Tomo, and Matt were waiting.  We pushed through the doors and immediately there were screams.

 

The guys stepped up to the table while I settled on a stool against the wall.  Knowing how this worked, I observed as fans and Echelon made their way through the line, getting everything from cds to t-shirts and sweatshirts and even arms and backs autographed.

 

Completely impressed by their patience, I watched while Jared, Shannon, Matt, and Tomo each took pictures with whoever wanted them.

 

At last, all of the fans were gone and we returned to the bus, anxious to get back to the hotel.  Nobody was saying anything, and I didn’t want to interrupt the silence and their thoughts.

 

Once at the hotel, I quietly made my way to my room, leaving the adjoining door open.  I changed into my red and black plaid flannel pajama pants, and when I emerged from the bathroom, Jared was sitting on my bed.  I should have known we would continue our after-concert conversations; they just wouldn’t have to be over the phone anymore.  I sat down next to him, leaning against the pillows, and waited for him to start.

 

“I didn’t mean to upset you that much,” he said.  He glanced at me and then looked down at his hands.

 

Sighing, I pulled my knees up.  “It’s okay.  Truly.  You can’t not play a song just because it makes me cry.  And truth be told, I think I needed that.  Thanks for checking on me afterwards though.”

 

Seeming slightly reassured, he crossed his legs and shifted on the bed.  “Can I ask you something?” he asked, looking directly in my eyes.

 

How could I say no with eyes like that?  “You can ask, but I’m not guaranteeing an answer.”

 

“What is it about that song that makes you cry so hard?”

 

I frowned, unsure of how to answer.  I new one reason, a very obvious one.  “I’d rather not go into detail right now.  It’s too late.  But I’ve been lied to a lot in the past few years, and when I listen to those words, I can apply them directly to those events in my life.  And the procession of goodbyes at the end...it’s like the song can let go of everything that has happened, but I still can’t manage to do it.”

 

He reached over and squeezed my hand.  “Thank you,” was all he said.

 

I felt the need to continue.  “But truthfully, I think there’s something more to it than that.  I’m not sure what, but there’s something else that I haven’t figured out yet.  When I do, I will surely let you know.”

 

“So it’s going to be okay if we play that song sometimes, right?”

 

“Of course!”  I hated the idea of crying like that every night, but I couldn’t be the reason behind them refraining from playing a song.

 

He must have sensed I needed a change of subject.  His face brightening, he asked, “So what did you think of the rest of the show?”

 

“It was unbelievable.  Absolutely unbelievable.  What did you think?”

 

He shrugged and said, “It could have been better.  The crowd was fantastic though!”  His eyes lit up at the second statement, reiterating how important the fans are to the band.

 

We must have talked for two more hours.  Realizing how late it was, he hugged me goodnight, and I made sure I knew what time we were planning on leaving in the morning.

 

He returned to his room, pulling the door half closed behind him, and I crawled under the covers to sink peacefully into sleep.

Chapter 8  Sorry it took so long to get up!!

---

After stopping at the bank to withdraw most of my money, despite Jared’s protests that he would pay, we hit the road.

An idea suddenly popping in to my head, I leaned over to Shannon and asked if anybody ever planned dinner while on tour. He shook his head. "We usually stop when we get hungry or eat whatever shit is lying around here. Why?"

"There’s somewhere I want to take you guys for dinner. Eating time included, it would probably only delay us two hours or so. Is there time?"

Speaking to Jared, Shannon said, "Do we have two extra hours?" Jared, almost completely immersed in what he was doing, mumbled what must have been an affirmative because Shannon in turn nodded at me.

I made my way to the front of the bus and told the bus driver that we were not going to Ithaca.

Once again in the back of the bus, I sat myself across the tiny table from Matt, who was half-asleep, and curled myself into as close to a ball as I could get. My protective position. I admired these guys with all of my being, but Jared was still the only one I knew, and just barely at that. I silently watched them, attempting to acclimate myself with my new surroundings, and not wanting to disturb their routine, if it even was one.

Matt was dozing off, Tomo had headphones in, Shannon was playing around with a camera and occasionally snapping pictures of the sleeping Matt, and Jared was completely captivated by something on his computer screen, a slight frown crinkling his forehead.

"Naproxen," he suddenly said rather loudly, looking up at me and startling everyone. Mat sat up straight, definitely awake, and Shannon nearly dropped his camera. "It may increase the risk of dangerous stomach bleeding if you drink more than three alcoholic beverages a day." Here he glanced back up at me. "See, I told you there was a good reason to stop your under-age drinking." I frowned, and he continued. "But the good news is, it is usually not addictive. So I’m afraid to be the one to break the news to you, but I cannot allow you to operate heavy machinery as long as you are with us. We can’t let you kill us."

I burst out laughing. I realized that he was checking up on my pills because he was worried and he cared, but I loved the way he put humor into it. As he did with so many other things. It was yet another thing I saw that we had in common. Using humor to mask real feelings, like concern and caring.

"Fortunately for you, I’m a shitty driver. I wouldn’t subject any of you to that anyway!"

Looking a bit more serious, Jared said, "You should still be careful though. Only two a day. Dependency is unlikely, but it could still happen..."
"Oh please don’t worry about me, I’ve got everything under control." I think I convinced him to let it go, for now.

He placed the computer next to him and leaned back. "What’s this about two hours?"

"Dinner," I said. "And you’re going to love it. I think."

- - -

When we passed the sign saying ‘Ithaca 15 miles’, I stepped into the tiny bathroom aboard the bus and changed into more dinner-worthy clothing. My black pinstripe gauchos, white button-up shirt, heart necklace, and plain black converse.

Realizing the bus had stopped, I stepped out and found all four of them standing and looking at me.

"Where the hell are we?" Shannon asked.

"It’s a surprise!" I said, brushing past all of them and exiting the bus. When they were all lined up behind me outside, I pointed to the sign above the restaurant in front of us. "Moosewood," I declared. Nobody moved. Trying to sound annoyed, I said, "A natural foods restaurant. It has been proclaimed the best vegetarian restaurant in the country." I saw a smile on Jared’s face now. "Well...proclaimed by me anyway. But it’s delicious!!"

I grabbed Jared’s arm and led them all inside. When we entered, a guy who looked to be about 17 years old looked up and smiled at us. Then he stopped. A look of recognition dawning on his face, he smiled again and led us to the bar where we could get a drink and wait for a table. He said it wouldn’t be long. Jared smiled and thanked him, realizing that the kid had recognized them.

Fifteen minutes later, we were led to a relatively quiet table in the back, courtesy of the guy at the door I’m sure. After opting out of an alcoholic beverage following the Naproxen conversation on the bus, I ordered Dr. Pepper, effectively satisfying my addiction for the time being.

Once everybody had ordered, I leaned back and smiled at my company. Shannon, Tomo, and Matt were joking quietly with each other, and Jared, well Jared was watching me. I immediately blushed when I realized it and sat up straighter in my chair, cringing as my hip cried out for another pill. It was a bit uncomfortable with him looking at me like that, like he was trying to figure something out.

Not knowing anything to say, I turned my attention to the paper placemat underneath my plate. The corner closest to me was sticking out, so I grabbed a pen out of my Care Bears bag and started doodling.

A hand with black fingernails appeared in my line of vision. Without looking up, I smiled and let him pull the pen from my grip. He proceeded to draw a tic-tac-toe board on the paper. Laughing, reminding me once again of how little-boyish he can be sometimes, I took the pen back and put an x in the top left corner.

We must have played fifteen games, him winning all of them, before our food came. I never could figure out the strategy to guarantee a tic-tac-toe victory. Shannon, Matt, and Tomo were continually joking with each other, occasionally reaching across the table to punch each other in the arm, completely unaware of our tic-tac-toe tournament.

Dinner passed in a flash. Before I knew it, we were all back on the bus, heading out on the road for NYC. It was late. I had somehow managed to convince all four of them to let me pay for the meal. But I had a feeling I would not be paying for anything else in the near future.

An hour after we started driving, everybody was asleep but me and Jared. I was trying to read, and he was deeply involved in his computer once again, a set of headphones on his ears.

Not wanting to disturb Matt, who was passed out next to me, I quietly got up, fetched my laptop, and settled down in the corner of the couch down from Jared. Crossing my legs, trying to ignore my hip crying out, I booted up my computer and readied myself for writing. So much had happened in the last 24 hours, and I needed to get it out of my head.

It wasn’t long before I had written three poems. Unsure of what to do next, I did a quick check of my email and signed into my online blog. My lifeline. The place where people I didn’t know left me magnificent advice.

Beginning with a re-cap from the New Year’s concert, I wrote everything that had happened up until that very minute; me sitting on their tour bus, watching all but Jared sleep.

Publishing the blog, I closed the computer and set it on the floor next to me, putting my faith in everybody not to step on it. I slipped my headphones back into my ears and started listening to one of my favorite artists, James Blunt. No Bravery. It brought back the night of the concert in vivid detail once again; singing that song to myself and Jared overhearing. But I chose to keep that memory and the feelings it brought up inside for now.

Leaning back into the cushions, I lost myself in my favorite playlist and watched the man sitting down from me. He didn’t realize I was watching him, and I felt a little bad, like I was invading his privacy or something. But I was too curious to look away. His mind fascinates me, the way it works and how it always seems to think every little thing through to the end. It was something I knew I would never comprehend, but I still wanted to try.

The next thing I knew, there was light coming through the bus windows. I was laying on my back, a pillow under my head, and my headphones wrapped loosely around my neck.

I blinked a few times and squinted, trying to focus in the morning light.

Pulling out my phone, I checked the time. 7:14 am. Too early. Thinking maybe I could fall back asleep, I propped myself on my elbows to turn onto my side, only to find Jared watching me with a slight smile on his face. I suddenly became very aware that somewhere in the course of the night, my feet ended up in his lap where his hands were now laying across my ankles.

Looking back up at him, I was about to speak when he said, "Has anyone ever told you that you make cute little faces when you sleep?"

Straightening myself up, I began to pull my feet out of his lap, but as soon as I started to move, I crumpled in pain. This was the way it was every morning. Trying not to cry, I rolled onto the floor of the bus and crawled to my bag lying near Jared’s feet, pulling out the bottle of pills. My saving grace. Popping one in my mouth, I swallowed it dry and stayed sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall.

Thoroughly embarrassed, I quickly glanced up at him. "Don’t say a word." I knew he was unsure about the pills, but how bad could they be? A doctor prescribed them after all. "And no, I was not aware of my face during sleep…" Grimacing, I made my way back to my previous position, propping my feet up to avoid Jared’s lap again. Feeling the Naproxen kick in, I relaxed. "Where are we?"

"Twenty minutes out."

"Humph. So what does today have in store?"

"First stop, the venue. Just to check it out. Then to the hotel, check in and shower. Back to the venue for set-up and soundcheck. Then wherever we want before it’s time to go back for a quick soundcheck and then the show. Then back to the hotel for the night," he rattled off the list. "Oh yeah, a few meals in between. Hungry?"

I had to think about it, registering the state of my stomach. "I could eat."

"Any preference?"

"Blueberry muffin and coffee from Tim Horton’s!" I exclaimed rather loudly. Quickly catching myself and hoping I didn’t wake the others up, we shared a silent laugh.

"Tim Horton’s it is!" Jared said, and got up to inform the driver.

So I like this one a little better than the last one...it's a bit longer too.  Enjoy!

Sarah dropped me off in front of my building sometime around 2:00.  There was another message from Kevin on my answering machine.  “Hey.  Thought you would’ve been home by now.  Really anxious to know how the concert was!  You’ll have to tell all tonight.  Call me, let me know what’s going on.”

I quickly returned his phone call saying I was going to sleep, I didn’t want to drive tonight, so he should call an hour before he’d be over to pick me up. After throwing my duffel and guitar in the corner of my room, I crawled under the covers and sank into sleep.

After being rudely awakened by my own choice by Kevin at 8:00, I showered, shoved food down my throat, got dressed, and waited for him to come.
- - -

I was at the bar when my Sidekick vibrated in my pocket, alerting me of a text-message.

With a beer in one hand and my phone in the other, I slipped outside to the smoking area where it was a little quieter.  Flipping open the phone, my heart stopped.  Completely surprised, I read, “Hello.  Hope I’m not waking you up.  I haven’t figured out the time difference yet.  Just wanted to say hello, keep in touch with anew friend.  –Jared.”  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Jared, as in Jared Leto?  The man I had cried in front of and spent hours talking to last night and early this morning?

And then I remembered giving him my number.

Quickly I replied, “Wow, good to hear from you!  Have you slept yet?”

I took a sip of my drink and peered through the windows into the club and the dance floor.  There were my friends, dancing and laughing. I was happier to be out here.

Another buzz.  “Yeah, slept on the plane.  We just landed in L.A. 15 minutes ago.  Got an earlier flight home, thankfully.”

“Good, I’m glad.  No offense, but you looked like hell.”

“I should say the same to you!  Did you sleep?” was my reply a minute later.

“Yeah, a little bit.  A couple hours before leaving tonight.  But I’m seriously considering leaving right now to go sleep another 12 hours!”

I waited for a response, looking back at my friends inside, a tiny frown appearing on my face.

“Where are you?”

“A place called Quote.  It’s a nightclub.  You know, music, dancing, alcohol.  The whole deal.  You’re familiar with it.” I typed back.

“For a 19 year old, you seem to drink a lot.”

This is what I hated about texting.  I couldn’t tell if he was concerned or just teasing.  So I chose to take him seriously, sharing just a little bit more of myself.

“Eh, a bad way of trying to cope, started two years ago.  But maybe I should stop, who knows...”

“Sorry to hear that.  Hey, I have to go.  Almost home and I have more sleeping to do.  Here’s some advice.  Put down the drink, call a cab, go home, and get some rest.”

Automatically doing what he said as I read, but not completely sure why, I set my plastic cup of beer down on the cement sidewalk.  “Advice taken.  Talk to you soon?”

My immediate response was, “Of course!  Goodnight.”

With a smile slowly spreading across my face, I said goodbye to my friends and decided to walk the 10 blocks back home, grinning like a fool the entire way.

- - -

Conversations continued with Jared for months, receiving or sending a call or text message a few nights a week.

I got to know him just a tiny bit more, little by little.  I came to be even more intrigued and impressed with his mind and his depth of knowledge and philosophy.

Halfway through January, they started another tour.  He began a ritual of calling me an hour before they were to go onstage.  I liked the idea that I prepared him for the show, no matter how untrue it probably was.  And he would call me after the show, no matter how late it was, so we could talk like we did that night under the stars on Sarah’s car.

I was always reluctant to share more of myself.  For just being a friend that I never saw, I felt like I had already exposed so much more to him than I ever had to my best friend.

I frequently showed up to work exhausted, but managed to put on a cheerful face for the fancifully dressed diners every night.  Life was good.

And then life got amazing.

- - -

It was 3:00 Friday afternoon.  I was at Salvatore’s getting the place ready for opening at 4:00.  Being a place that only served dinner, I mostly worked nights which threw a wrench in a lot of my friend’s parties and other plans.  But seeing as it was my only source of income, I learned to deal.

My Sidekick was in my back pocket.  When it vibrated, I jumped a foot, knocking over two water goblets with their fancily folded napkins sticking out.  “Shit!”

Reaching to answer it, I stood the glasses back up.  Before I could say anything, I heard, “Are you at work?”

Immediately recognizing his voice, a smile graced my face.  “Unfortunately, yes.”

“Salvatore’s, right?”

“You got it.  I’m getting ready to open in an hour –“

“How exciting,” he said, cutting me off.  “Listen, I have some fucking exciting news.  The guys and I talked it over, and we decided that we wanted to bring a friend along with us for the rest of the tour.”

I was little hurt from being cut off.  “Who’s the lucky friend?” I asked, trying not to sound too pissed.

There was no response on the other end.

 

“Hello?” I said.

 

Nothing.

 

Then I heard a loud, long honk outside.  But it wasn’t just coming from outside.   It was coming over the phone at my ear as well.

 

“Fuck,” I said, dropping the phone to my side and slowly creeping towards the door. 

 

When I stepped outside into the sunlight, my eyes landed on a very large bus that I immediately recognized. 

Feeling a bit faint and not sure whether I should trust my eyes, I leaned back against the closed door and slid down to the ground, trying to maintain some fragment of dignity but failing miserably.

I watched as the doors to the bus slowly opened and Jared descended the steps, walking to my side and kneeling down.  He peered into my face looking worried.

 

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” escaped from my mouth.

 

“Well...no.  Not really.  But if you’d like, we can leave.”

 

“Shut up,” I snapped, needing time to process.  After a few moments, I apologized, smiling sheepishly.  “Sorry.  I’m just...shocked.”  Not sure what to do next, I rose to my feet and he followed.

 

“So listen.  This is a one-time offer you’re getting.  We’re touring for another month and a half and I’d love it if you came with us...”

 

“But, my job...” I trailed off, feeling stupid.

 

“Hmm.  Well what if I told you that you didn’t have to worry about the money aspect of it?”

 

“I can hardly let you pay for me for a month and half or however long...”

 

He laughed and said, “Hotel rooms are already paid for.”

 

I stood in stunned silence for a minute or two.  When I looked back over at the bus, Tomo, Matt and Shannon were all outside leaning against it and drawing a lot of attention from pedestrians on the sidewalk who were all wondering who the hell these important looking people were.  I waved at them and focused my attention back to Jared who was looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.

 

“Uh...”  I was running through every detail at the speed of light in my head.  My job, my apartment, my friends, my family.  This entire concept was foreign.  “Okay.”

 

“Okay?  You’ll come?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll come.  But I need a couple hours to get ready...  Is that going to be okay?”

 

“No problem at all.  We have until tomorrow afternoon to be in NYC.”

 

The mention of NYC barely registering, I said, “Give me 10 minutes here, and then I’ll be out, okay?”

 

“Fantastic,” he said, giving me a quick hug, and turning to walk back to the bus.

 

I slipped back inside, remembering to disconnect Jared’s phone call that had been connected that whole time. 

Finding my boss in the kitchen, I explained the situation to her.  She must have been excited for me, because she gave me three months off and said she’d make it a paid extended leave of absence.  $500 a week.  Less than I would make working, but enough.  I loved that she took care of me that way, like the mother I sometimes needed.  Untying my apron, I gave her a hug goodbye and promised to call every once in a while.

 

When I stepped back outside, the doors to the bus opened.  They must have been watching for me through the extremely dark tinted windows.  I gave directions to my house to the driver, then turned to the rest of the bus, blinking, trying to register my surroundings.

 

All four guys were sitting on padded bench sort of things along one side of the bus.  That was as far as I could see.  Not knowing what to do, I walked over and sat in an empty space next to Jared on the end.  “So this is really weird.  I hope you know that,” I said.  After all, this was something I had never heard of before.  And I had never imagined it actually happening either.

 

There was a chorus of laughs that immediately filled the bus.

 - - -

When we arrived at my apartment, I invited the guys inside, guaranteeing that I would be no longer than 20 minutes.

 

I started up the two flights of stairs to my door and made it half way up the second flight when my right leg gave out and I collapsed.  “Damn it!” I shouted, feeling pain shooting not only through my right hip but now in my left ankle that I happened to land on.

 

It was something I had neglected to mention to Jared in our numerous conversations.

He was following directly behind me and immediately bent down to see if I was okay and what had happened. 

 

Struggling to my feet, I heard Tomo at the bottom of the line saying, “What’s the hold up?”

 

I hopped up the rest of the stairs and unlocked my door, looking back to see all four guys looking at me with puzzled expressions.

 

Motioning them inside I began to explain.  “I used to be a runner.  Two years ago, I began having chronic hip pain in my left hip.  I had MRI’s, x-rays, bone scans, you name it and chances are I’ve had it.  After numerous doctors and physical therapy sessions, everyone gave up trying to get a diagnosis.”  After pausing for a wince, I continued.  “Every doctor and orthopedist said that it was something that would get better on it’s own in a couple of months, never giving me a specific diagnosis.  Freaking doctors.  So one of the gave me a prescription.  Naproxen.  One pill twice daily and I am able to walk with only a tiny bit of pain.  Obviously it didn’t get better after a couple of months, so I’m still on the pills, but I’ve quit physical therapy.  Cost a lot and wasn’t working.”

 

By this time, I had hobbled my way over to the fridge, pulled a bottle of water out and a pill from the drawer next to it, swallowing it with a gulp.

 

“Damn girl, I don’t even know what to say.  But those pills can’t be good for you.”  Jared's voice behind me.

 

“I don’t know, and I don’t care.  But that’s what happens if I don’t take it, so I’mnot going to question.  There are drinks in the fridge and the couch is over there.  Make yourself at home.  I swear I won’t be too long, but it might be a little longer now that I fell.” 

I smiled apologetically and limped across the room through the door to my bedroom.

 

I poked my head back out a few times throughout the course of the 20 minutes it took me to get some stuff together.  They were talking and laughing, seeming really relaxed lounged about my living room. 

When I emerged, I had my guitar in one hand, in the other hand a larger duffel bag than I had taken to Toronto, but still not too big, and my Care Bears bag over my shoulder.

Jared seemed to be the only one who noticed me enter the room again.  I balanced myself on one foot because of the pain still shooting down my leg and looked at him, asking, “Is there room for my guitar?”

“Absolutely!” he said, jumping up to grab my bag before I fell over.

With the help of all the guys, we made our way down the stairs and back onto the bus.

I didn't know what to expect for the next couple of months, but I knew it was going to be amazing.

There was a soft knock at the door.  My body was dead. 
Not wanting to get up, I looked at the clock.  9:18 am. 
Wondering who the hell it could be, I rolled out of bed and stumbled to the door.  Not bothering to check the peephole, I swung the door open to find Jared standing before me.  He had a tray with two coffees in one hand and a brown paper bag in the other.

“Hello,” he said, sounding quite cheerful.  Impressive, since it had been less than 5 hours since I had watched him walk away from my door.

He held out the coffee.  Taking it in one hand, I stepped aside, inviting him in with my body.  Once inside, he sat himself down on the couch and plopped the paper bag down next to him.

“Excuse me,” I said and stepped quickly into the bathroom.  I was suddenly very aware of my current state of appearance.  After splashing cold water on my face and wiping off last night’s make-up, I decided I looked as good as I was going to get without a shower.  Stepping back into the room, my eyes landed on Jared examining my personally-designed converse.

He looked up at me, smirking a bit.  “I must admit, this is something I’ve never seen before.”

Feeling a bit stupid, I attempted an explanation and my cheeks flushed.  “They were for charity.  I was listening to your cd when I designed them, hence the colors and Echelon, and then a portion of the price went to the Red campaign.”

“Very noble of you.”

“I think I’ll take that as a compliment,” I said, laughing a bit in recovery of my embarassment, and sat down on the couch next to him.

“Most definitely do,” he responded, then grabbed the bag between us. 
“Blueberry muffins,” he declared, holding up the bag.  His eyes were sparkling.

I gasped.  “I can’t believe you!  You remembered...”

 

"Of course I did. I remember everything you said last night...this morning.  Whatever you'd like to call it."
He reached in the bag and handed a very large muffin over to me, then pulled one out for himself.

 

After taking a little bite, very aware of my eating habits, I curled my feet up under me.  With coffee in one hand muffin in the other, I asked, "Do you ever sleep?"

 

"Rarely," was my response, quickly followed by a laugh.

 

"Ah, something we have in common.  No sleep at all for me this morning..." I trailed off. 
“So I’m surprised to see you here this morning.  Shouldn’t you be off on a tour bus to your next exciting night, or maybe home for a break?”

“Today we are getting a day off.  We’re going to the airport at 10:00 tonight and heading home for about a month.”

I watched silently as his expression changed to a more somber one and took another bite of my muffin, wondering what was coming next.  I wasn’t sure if it was mock seriousness or the real thing.

“So that takes us to why I came to see you this morning.  It feels strange because I barely know you, but I felt like I should just come and...see if you’re okay.”

Damn.  Why didn’t I see this coming?  Why did I even let myself cry last night?  Shit, like I really had a choice in the matter.  I hated that I had let him see me like that.  I hated that I had exposed that to a man I so greatly admired and barely knew.

I set my coffee and muffin down on the table next to me, forgetting about how loudly my stomach was complaining.  I crossed my arms over my chest, a bad habit I had when I was too uncomfortable. 
“Oh...yeah.”  That’s all I could come up with to say.

“ARE you okay?”

“Um, I think so.  I will be.  Don’t worry about it,” I said, trying to smile reassuringly. 
But I may have slightly failed.

He seemed to let it go, just a little, his eyes brightening in the process.  Things were much more comfortable when his eyes were lit up.

I opened my mouth to speak just as my Sidekick rang out across the room, playing one of my favorite songs ever written, “God” by John Lennon.  Diving across the bed for it, I flipped it open to see Kevin’s name displayed next to Incoming Call.

“Greetings from Toronto,” I cheerfully answered.  The perfect distraction from the preceding conversation.

All I heard were laughs on the other end.

“Speak!” I demanded, trying to sound impatient but failing miserably.  After all, he was my best guy friend.  How could I be impatient with him?

“How’d the meet-and-greet go?”

“Spectacularly amazing.  Unbelievably wonderful.  Fantastical.  Would you like me to keep going?”  I tried to hide my giggles.

Rolling over on the bed, I glanced at Jared.  He was watching, a smirk on his face, trying to suppress his own laugh.  There was no response yet on the other end of the phone.

“Hey listen, right now is not really the best time.  But I will definitely fill you in later.”  I glanced over at Jared again, not wanting to be rude to him or Kevin.

“Okay...  I’ll see you when you get home tonight??  A bunch of us are going out to Quote, and then just up and down Chippewa.  Call me when you get back and I’ll pick you up.”

I wasn’t sure if I was going to be in the mood for bar-hopping or if I would even have the energy for it, but I said “Definitely.  Later.”

Jared looked at the phone, and then at me.

“Plans for tonight,” I quickly said and fell back onto the couch, downing the rest of my coffee on the way.  “But I doubt I’ll be up for it.”

Not questioning any more, he sat back into the pillow and crossed his legs, sipping his coffee.  Lucky bastard, he still had some left.  "Interesting song choice as a ringtone," he said, inflecting a question at the end.

"Ahh yes.  'God is a concept by which we measure our pain.'  Something I can identify with.  One of the parts of me that I don't mind openly sharing with anyone standing around me when it goes off."

I glanced down at my watch.  11:00.  “Shit,” fell out of my mouth before he could even respond.  There’s no way it could have been an hour and a half already.  Hotel check-out was in half an hour, and so far there hadn’t been any stirring in the room next door.  “Could you excuse me for just a sec?” I aimed and Jared as I stood and slipped through the adjoining doors into Sarah’s room.  She was still out cold.  After shaking her awake and making sure she would stay that way, I went back through the doors into my room, closing them behind me.  I stood looking at Jared for a second, dreading what came next. 

“Well this is hard.  We need to leave in half an hour, I need to get showered, dresed, and packed.  So I guess we need to say goodbye.”

He immediately rose from the couch, understanding. 
We walked the short distance to the door and I reached across him to open it. 
Out in the hall, he pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear.  “I’m glad I met you.”  And with a quick kiss on the cheek, before I could even respond, he disappeared around the corner for the second time.

 

---

Okay so I don't have the next chapter written yet, so it might be more than just one day before it's up.  But I will try my damndest to get it up soon.  =]

“Okay but remember, you asked for it.  So you’re not allowed to complain in the middle when you get bored,” I said in warning.

“Where to begin...Well my name is Laura.  That’s something you probably should have known an hour ago.  And I will never share my middle name, so don’t bother asking.  I live in Buffalo, NY in an apartment by myself across from my favorite record store, New World Records.  I work at Salvatore’s, the fanciest restaurant in the city.  I’m a waitress and sometimes a hostess or manager.  It’s a strange arrangement.  I’ve worked there for three years, and it pays fairly well.  I don’t go to college, much to my parents’ dismay.  I was 3^rd in my class in high school and was accepted into every college I applied to, my dream school – Cornell – included.  My parents couldn’t accept it when I decided not to go.  As a matter of fact, they’re still upset about it.”

Here, he cut me off.  “Why did you decide not to go?”

“Damn.  Tough question.  I don’t know how I knew or why I was feeling this way, but it just didn’t feel right.  It seemed like the wrong thing to do.  There was too much pressure from...everyone.  Like my life had been decided for me, and nobody had asked what I really wanted.  And I wasn’t even sure which of my passions I wanted to go to school for.”

“And what are those passions?”

“Architecture, music, and writing.”  He nodded his head, not wanting to interrupt anymore, so I continued.  “Anyway, I haven’t decided if I regret the decision yet or not...”

Getting frustrated with myself with the subject, I changed course.  “I’ve been a vegetarian since age 10.  I’m not sure if it was the unhealthy things in meat that I happened to read or my uncle and cousins constantly talking about hunting, but I decided it just wasn’t for me.  Amy favorite foods are bean burritos and blueberry muffins.  And cherry pie.  I live for music and concerts.  Anything from you to Fort Minor to The Beatles to Linkin Park to Led Zeppelin to The Decemberists to Kelly Clarkson...you get the idea.  I love movies as well.  All kinds, as long as they’re spectacular.  Besides music, writing is my lifeline.  The one thing I can always count on to be there.  And I’m one of the few people I know who actually still likes to read.  I was raised by two liberal parents and went to church regularly until I was 16 and finally told my mom I was agnostic.  I’m a big supporter of peace and I actually do believe in global warming.”  I stopped, realizing I had been rambling for a good 10 minutes or more.  “How was that?”

“Very informative.  Anything else?”

“Not right now.  And how about yourself?”

“Well my name’s Jared and I’m in a band called 30 Seconds to Mars -- “

I cut him off.  “How about telling me something I don’t know.”  Softening my voice a little, I added, “Something I would never hear in an interview...if you can.”

“Truth?”

“Yes, truth.  Always.”

 

“I like to shop,” he said and looked over at me.

I burst out laughing, I couldn’t help it.  “Sorry,” I quickly recovered.  “I was just expecting something a little more...deep.  You built it up a little bit.”

“Well I can’t really think of anything at the moment.  Being who I am, there’s not a whole lot I can hide from the world.” Smiling, he added, “Sorry to disappoint you.”

Realizing and remembering that he was often a very private person, I backed off. 

The rest of the way to my hotel we spent talking about random things, whatever popped into our heads.  He walked me all the way to my hotel room door.

When we arrived, I just stood looking at the door, not wanting to step through it.  I didn’t want it to be over.

He gently reached over to touch my arm and said, “I hate to say it, but I really should go before they start worrying or looking for me.”

Sighing, I said, “I know.  Just...thanks again.  For...everything.”

“My pleasure!  I have a feeling I will never forget this night.  It was amazing talking to you.”

Amazing?  Again, not a word I would’ve used to describe myself.  “Well the feeling is completely mutual.”  He reached over to give me a hug, and when he pulled back I said with a little resignation, “See you soon maybe?  At another concert.”

“I hope so.”  He reached down for his famous blackberry.  “You number?”

With a smile plastered across my face, I recited it to him.

“Excellent,” he said, a smile on his face as well.  “I will talk to you soon!”

With another hug, he shoved his hands into his pockets and started down the hall.  I didn’t move until he turned the corner and was out of my line of sight.

Quietly, I pulled out my key and slipped into the room.
- - -

Sarah must have woken up and driven herself back to the hotel while we were walking.  I entered the room to fin her asleep in her bed, purse and keys discarded on the floor.  Silently I closed the adjoining doors, not wanting to disturb her.

Slipping out of my concert clothes, I pulled on my red and black plaid flannel pajama pants and a black hoodie in my usual OCD, matching fashion, and proceeded to pop open another Dr. Pepper. 
It was 4:30, but I wasn’t ready for sleep yet.  Too much had happened in the past 12 hours.  I needed to write.

With my laptop stuck in the parking lot in Sarah’s trunk, I pulled the hotel notepad out of the drawer next to the bed and settled on the couch across the room.

Surprisingly, the words did not immediately flow.  Too many emotions.  But eventually, everything came rushing back to me and I was propelled into a writing frenzy.

An hour later, I wasn’t sure what I had written; if it was a poem, a song, or a series of incoherent thoughts.  A bit disgusted, I discarded the notepad on the floor.

Feeling thoroughly exhausted, I lay on the bed, popped my headphones into my ipod and ears, and pulled the covers around my chin.  Trying to shut my brain down, I rolled to my side and sank into Jared’s voice singing “A Modern Myth” to me for the third time that night.  Damn those strings, those words, why did they get to me every time?

I soon realized it was useless.  Sleep was not coming to me tonight.

Okay this one is a bit longer than the others, but I couldn't find a good place to cut it and I wanted to get Jared in it.  So...enjoy!

Chapter 4

When I got back to the car, Sarah was asleep laying down in the back seat.
I pulled my laptop out of the trunk and sat cross-legged on the hood of the car with a bottle of hard lemonade. I couldn't connect to an internet signal, so I opened a word document and began to write about the concert. How amazing it was and about meeting the guys afterwards. My Sidekick vibrated next to me, the sound intensified from the metal hood of the car. Before I even flipped it open, I knew who it was going to be.

"Spill it!" flashed up on the screen.
It was a dear friend I had never met but who had once offered to let me live in her attic just so I could make it to a show.  And I loved her to death for it.   Megan.
"Not now, exhausted! Met them and got autographs, hugs, and a few pics. Details and pictures tomorrow, I promise! <33" I felt a bit bad about it, but my head was reeling and my emotions were still a bit unstable from the show. I didn't think I could pull it together and give a description enough justice at the moment.

I hopped off the hood, safely stowed my laptop back in the trunk, and pulled out my guitar. It was something that I loved with all of my heart and never traveled without, even if it was just three overnights in Toronto. Back to the hood I went and lay down with my back on the windshield. Nobody else was around, ours was the only car in the parking lot, so I just started playing and singing every song I knew from memory.

I knew I wasn't going to wake Sarah. From the looks of it, she had had two of the Smirnoff’s while I was at the merch booth, and she would be out for a while. So I just let go and played whatever song popped in to my head, my way of dealing with the strong emotions I was feeling from the concert. After five songs, my back was killing me so I slid to the ground and sat on the pavement a few feet in front of the bumper. I played one of my favorite non-30 Seconds to Mars songs, Imagine, and followed it up with No Bravery, an arrangement I had played around with and changed into a 10 minute song. It was such a sadly powerful song; I sat in silence when I finished for a good 15 minutes or more.

Suddenly my fingers started playing The Story, my favorite 30 Seconds to Mars song to play and sing. It was perfect for my range, and the guitar wasn't too complicated.

I finished the song and heard, "You sing beautifully."
I whirled around and my eyes landed on silver crocs perched on the bumper of the car. Those silver crocs I knew so well. No way. My eyes kept moving up, following black skinny jeans to where they disappeared under a grey coat. No way. All the way up to the hands crossed on his knees with black fingernails and white fingerless gloves, the white scarf poking out of the coat, and the black fedora pulled low, barely shadowing his eyes. No way. It was those eyes.

"Fuck!" I muttered to myself as I scrambled to my feet and realized my right leg was completely numb.

"What?" he asked, looking slightly amused.

"Pins and needles," I tried to explain, sounding slightly distressed as I bent down to pick up my now-emtpy Mike's bottle that I had knocked over in the standing process.
When his quizzical expression didn't change, I further explained, "I think I've been sitting like that for too long, my leg fell asleep, and now it feels like millions of needles are driving themselves into every inch of flesh on my leg they can find!" came out of my mouth, forgetting for a moment who exactly it was that I was talking to, standing right in front of me. I fell silent in a state of shock for a few short moments, but managed to pull myself together.

"How long have you been sitting there?" I asked, sounding a bit pissed off, but entirely not on purpose. "Sorry," I quickly murmured.
"I came up towards the beginning of that song you played...what was it? 'Houses burnt beyond repair, the smell of death is in the air, a woman weeping in despair says, he has been here.'"
I immediately start to blush. But not because he heard my excuse for an arrangement of that already beautiful song, but that meant that he heard me singing and playing The Story. His song. Embarrassing to say the least.

"Oh," was all I could come up with to say.

"It was amazing," he said, rather emphatically much to my confusion. Amazing is not a word I would have used. "I was originally going to say something when that song was over, but I was compelled to silence as well."

"Uhmm, thanks," I replied. "Sorry about The Story, you shouldn't have heard that."

"I'm glad I did.  You made it your own."

"Oh," I said again, and sat on the hood of the car next to him. "Your show was amazing tonight." As soon as it came out of my mouth I regretted it. It didn't seem like the right thing to say at the moment.

"Thanks." He didn't seem to be at all phased. "What are you doing in an empty parking lot all by yourself?" There was a concerned tone to his voice.

I was taken a bit by surprise. "I'm not," I said, motioning through the windshield into the back seat with my thumb. "I wasn't ready to leave yet. I just needed to play for a while, and I figured here was better than in a hotel room since it's almost 2:30."
A simple nod of the head was my response. I lay back on the windshield like I had done before, my knees bent with the guitar in between and I stared at the stars. I heard him lay down next to me.
"I thought you guys would be at the hotel by now," I whispered, not wanting to disturb the silence too much.
"They've all gone. I wanted to walk, clear my head, process the night. The hotel's not that far. That's when I saw you..." he trailed off, whispering as well, barely audible in the night air.
I didn't say anything. We laid silently for 20 minutes or more. In that 20 minutes I experienced every emotion I could have possibly imagined. What was it about this man, his music, his presence that got to me like this?

I pulled my guitar on to my lap and quietly strummed chord progressions. It felt like the right thing to do. I never realized that the chords had turned into A Modern Myth until he started to sing.

I stopped playing somewhere in the middle. I didn't even notice until a tear slid from the corner of my eye towards my ear.
He must have had his head turned and saw the tear. Before I could wipe it away, he turned on his side to face me, caught the tear on his finger, and let it linger on my cheek for what felt like an eternity.

When he ended the song, I turned on my side so we were facing each other. He didn't say anything, I didn't say anything. He simply, steadily, held my gaze. I felt like I had just shared my deepest secret with him. A secret I hadn't even told my best friend, currently passed out in the backseat. I felt like he was looking not at me, but in me. Into my soul or something.

Suddenly I was very self-conscious and a bit nervous. I rose, breaking his gaze, slid off the hood and walked around to the open trunk. I placed my guitar in its case and grabbed a Smirnoff for him and a Twisted for myself. When I returned to the front of the car, he was sitting up like he had when I first turned around and saw him. He turned down the drink, but I was still a little jittery, so I opened mine, taking a long gulp. Better.

I sat on the ground in front of the car and leaned against it, his feet next to my head.
"Thank you," I whispered with tears in my voice, breaking the silence. This time I couldn't stop them from silently sliding down my face.

He reached over and placed a firm hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. It was okay, he didn't have to say anything.

When the tears had dried and I was fairly certain they wouldn't come back, I finished my drink and stood up to face him. I was met with an expectant gaze. I pulled out my phone to see the time. 3:37 am. "Shit," I muttered. "It's late. 3:37. You probably need to go. I should go..."

After a few moments, he replied, "Well I can't leave just like that. Not after..." he trailed off.

"We could walk?"

"What about your friend back there?"

"She'll be okay. As crazy as it might sound, she's got Mace and her boyfriend's gun in the glove box. I'll lock her in with the keys, and when she wakes up in an hour or so, she'll text me to bitch at me for leaving and then drive herself to the hotel."
His eyebrows were raised in disbelief.
"No joke. She will be perfectly fine."
"If you say so..."

I quietly opened the passenger door, pulled out my third sweatshirt and my Care Bears backpack that I was suddenly very embarrassed about. I grabbed a Dr. Pepper, shut the trunk, threw the keys on the driver's seat and carefully shut and locked all of the doors. Throughout the whole process, he didn't move from the hood of the car, but his head pivoted, watching my actions.

I was done and started walking a few feet, but he still didn't move. I turned to see why, and his eyes were going back and forth between the sweatshirt over my arm, can of caffeine in my hand, and black Care Bear messenger bag slung over my shoulder. He looked a little frowny.

"It's not a Rubik's Cube or anything," I said, my voice level, teasing him just a bit. "Sweatshirt is for warmth, if needed. Caffeine," I said motioning in the air with the can, "is to wake up. You know, counteract the alcohol until I get to the hotel. And yes, I have a Care Bears bag and I love it."

The smile that I knew so well slowly slid across his face. He stood up saying, "Your mind works in mysterious ways, doesn't it?"

It was more like a statement than a question, making me laugh. Like he knew me already, but he really knew nothing about me. There were a million things I could have said in response through my giggles, but I chose to remain silent.

"Who are you?" he asked, sounding genuinely interested. I question that I had never heard asked in that way before.

"Do you want the long version? How much do you want to know?"

"Give me the long version," he answered, his eyes sparkling.

Okay before I get to the chapter, I have to bitch just for a minute, so you can comletely ignore it if you want.
Today in school, somebody had a 30 Seconds to Mars t-shirt on.  Which at first was awesome because I had been the only person I've ever seen to wear anything having to do with the band.  So in a class I had with her I asked, "Are you Echelon?"  And her response: "What's Echelon?  What are you talking about?"  So I just said, "Forget it, never mind.  I like your shirt."  And she said: "Oh my god isn't Jared so hot?!?!?"
I wanted to punch her in the face and rip the shirt off.  You don't even know that the Echelon exists and the only thing you have to say is that Jared is hot?!?!?!  I won't argue with you, he is pretty damn georgous, but couldn't you have said something like, "Isn't their music amazing?"  But no.  You chose to mention Jared's incredibly wonderful looks.  Fucking fangirl.
Do I sound hypocritical??  After all, I am writing a fanfic.  But I am a freaking Echelon and I fell in love with the band because of their music, before The Kill was released on the radio and before the videos and everything, and NOT because of the frontman.  God damn.
*end rant* 
On with the story.  It's not as long as last chapter I don't think, but enjoy!

 

The lights began to flash, their entrance song started, and one by one they made their arrival onto the stage. The crowd was screaming, and fists were in the air the second Shannon appeared onstage, the first to take his place.
I knew what the first song was going to be before they even played. Welcome to the Universe.  Fitting, in my mind.
When it was over, Jared greeted the crowd and was met with screams. They launched into A Beautiful Lie, and I was mesmerized. I loved the way he spun around, his guitar flying out by his side. I truly admired this man.
I was vaguely aware of the moshers pushing into me, and a few even knocked my head or shoulder as they made their way over the barrier and into the waiting hands of the security guards. But I didn't care.
"This is a song about freedom, this is called Attack!" I heard come over the speakers at me. "Repeat after me. Freedom!" And we all screamed back. "Freedom!" Again we screamed. "Freedom!" And they were off. He staggered around the stage like he was drunk, his entire body absorbed in the song and the performance. You could see it on Matt, Tomo, and Shannon's faces as well. This is what they lived for.
During The Kill, Jared jumped from the stage onto the barrier a few feet down from me, his signature move. I didn't reach for him, but he looked around at the crowd as he sang.  There was a pause in the lyrics and seemed to meet my eyes for a moment, licking his lips in that way I knew so well.  He hopped back to the stage with the help of the guards, the moment was over, and he finished the song, declaring they were going to take a 30 minute break and would see us after, something I had never seen them do before, but this was special night.

It was the longest 30 minutes of my life.

- - -

When they returned to the stage, the crowd was energized, adrenaline pumping. 

Jared took a few minutes to let us know how special this night was, the he was glad we all came out, and that they were happy we could spend New Year’s as the big dysfunctional family that we were.

And then they launched into The Fantasy.  Everybody went crazy.  It was the most powerful and connecting song of theirs live.  And you could tell.

They played for an hour and a half after that, playing all of their songs, remnants of unreleased songs like Sisters of Heresy and Revolution, and parts of covers like Message in a Bottle.  Even Santa Through the Back Door, because everyone was in the holiday celebration mood.
- - -
A series of goodbyes from my favorite song filled the air at 12:58. They had timed it perfectly. Out with the old, in with the new. They ended the song with 30 seconds to spare.
Suddenly the image of an enormous crowd in Times Square appeared on the wall behind them. Their backdrop had fallen and was replaced by a large screen.
The crowd began to shout, accompanying Jared with the microphone. "Ten, nine, eight, seven..." The countdown to the New Year. "Three, two, ONE!"
Jared hushed the crowd and we listened to the fireworks that were displayed in NYC on the screen. I'm not sure how they got the sound to come over the speakers, but they did.
When the fireworks had ended, they immediately launched into their final three songs, beginning with Capricorn, followed by Edge of the Earth, and finally R-Evolve.
They crowd was screaming for well over five minutes after Jared declared that they would be at the merch booth signing anything we wanted for as long as it took, and they made their exit from the stage.
Having been in the very front of the crowd, I was one of the last ones to make it to the front of the line for autographs, but the band didn't seem too exhausted or impatient.
What I said to them I can't even remember, but I like to think that I held myself together pretty well. Took a few pictures, more than one with each of them and then a couple with all four. It was like a dream and is a bit hazy. I hugged them all and made my way to the car, regretting that I didn't say anything of importance to them, make conversation or anything. I suppose I didn't really have time though...

 

The beauty of working at the fanciest hotel in the city for three years was that I had seniority and had the luxury of choosing most of my own hours. I had started in my senior year of high school and was now good friends with the owner. Was it preferential treatment?? Maybe, but I didn't care. I was officially on vacation for 5 days, and knowing that I was going up to Toronto for a 30 Seconds to Mars concert was the icing on the cake. A lot of icing.
It was going to be an unprecedented concert in 30 Seconds to Mars history. New Year's Eve. You had to be an Echelon to attend, because the guys wanted to ring in the New Year with their closest fans and friends.
We were going up a day early, but I wasn't sure what we were going to do. There was no way that I'd be able to focus on anything other than the concert.
- - -
It was 4:30 when I walked in my apartment door. A quick check of the answering machine, and then I needed to pack. Starting with clothes.
What was I going to wear to the concert??
I pulled my duffel out from under the bed and quickly threw in my toiletries. Shampoo, conditioner, make-up, toothbrush, toothpaste, blow-dryer and straightener. You know, the essentials. Yes we were staying in a hotel, but I hated the mini bottles of everything they provided.
Then off to the closet. I pulled open the doors, sat down on my bed facing the open closet, and stared. I wanted to make a good impression, but I wasn't sure why.
Okay, grey jeans. That I knew for sure. I knew I had to think warmth, at least for before and after the show. After all, it was December. Unseasonably warm for December, thanks to global warming, but still a bit nippy outside.
I decided on a black cami and an open-back, scoop neck grey and white striped shirt with my fairly new 30 Seconds to Mars zip-up hoodie over top. And of course the "My Design" converse were waiting by the bed. I had designed them in black, white and red, and had even had Echelon personalized onto the back. They were kick-ass, and I was excited to wear them at the show.
I added a few other odds and ends of clothing for the rest of the days, checked to make sure I was wearing my "L" necklace which never left my neck except for showers, my triquetra earrings in their second holes, and put my bag next to the door by the food and drinks.
- - -
It was 7:30 when Sarah finally got her ass to my building. I was waiting. I flew down the stairs and to the car, threw my bags in the trunk, and hopped over the door into the seat. She had a car that was the envy of all our friends. A 1959 Imperial Crown Convertible. She got it from her grandfather in perfect condition after he died. The top was down, but the heat was blasting so we were warm enough.
We got to the Canadian border in record time with 30 Seconds to Mars blasting the whole way.
But I didn't want to ruin the excitement and overload on their music, so once we crossed into Canada, I put on my new Fort Minor cd. Not my normal type of music, but there was something about their songs that I loved. We put the top up and rode without talking, just listening to the music. We were both excited.
We arrived at the hotel 45 minutes later and checked into our adjoining rooms, immediately opening the doors. I hooked up my laptop to their internet service and checked my email. 152 Inbox, all from jaredletoforums.com. Damn, what would I do without that site? I read most of the threads, replied to a few, and was met with replies like "Tell me all about it when you get back!" and "Take lots of pictures!!!" Of course I would.
We found The Breakfast Club playing on WE, so we settled down for the night and watched it, ordering some cherry pie from the kitchen at 10:00 before they closed.
Surprisingly able to sleep, I went back through the door to my room leaving it open behind me and collapsed on the bed.
- - -
I must have slept well. When I woke up the next morning, I was in the same position as when I had floppeed on to the bed last night. Hm.
After a shower and brekky, we got in the car and drove until we found some little local shops that looked interesting. First stop was a music store. They had everything imaginable. It was the greatest music store I had ever been in with two floors, selling everything from posters to vinyl records to MP3 players and of course the largest selection of CDs in Toronto, as their sign boasted. After spending more than $100, we walked down the sidewalk to a boutique. It wans't usually my kind of clothing, but they had the most amazing jacket in the window. White with a skull design in rivets on the back and some sweet vintage buttons down the front. $250. I went for it. I was in love.
The rest of the day progressed much the same. On the way back to the hotel, we drove by the venue for tomorrow and saw the poster outside of the door proclaiming the special event for tomorrow night. My heart skipped a beat. Or maybe three.
One day down. Just one night left to go. And surprisingly, I again slept.
- - -
The doors opened at 5:00 that evening. We wanted to go at 2:00. We weren't the first ones there, but we figured it was better to go after lunch. My camera was safely stowed in my sweatshirt pocket, and my laptop and guitar were in the trunk of the car along with the food and drink. I opted to leave my bag in the car as well.
The minutes and hours slowly ticked by until it was finally 5:00. The crowd had grown enormously, and the line wrapped around at least two corners of the building.
We got in fairly quickly. It was dark inside with a bar in the room we entered into. Through huge sets of double doors behind the bar, I could see the stage and the two different levels leading down to it. It wasn't a huge place, which was suprising for the number of people outside, but was what I wanted. The smaller the better.
After the two openers, who were good but not extremely memorable, there was a 30 minute breake before they took the stage at 8:00. We pushed our way to the front and leaned against the barrier, waiting.
This was it. This was what I had been waiting for for months.

The John Lennon/Yoko Ono Bed-In

Every generation has its couples who mesmerize the public. In the late 1960s, none felt the worldwide glare of the press more than Beatle John Lennon and then-girlfriend Yoko Ono. The two met in London in November 1966, at an Ono performance-art exhibition. Many blamed Ono for the break-up of the Beatles, which became official with the group's last public appearance in January 1969. But John and Yoko's story, like most romances, is more complicated than it seems.
In the summer of 1968, John and Yoko moved in together, in Ringo Starr's London flat. October 18 that same year, the couple was arrested and charged with marijuana possession. Lennon claimed the drugs were planted by the police, but subsequently pled guilty to the charges on November 1, 1968.
That petty conviction that would haunt him for years. A week later, his divorce from first wife Cynthia Lennon was granted. Three days after that, John and Yoko's first album collaboration, "Two Virgins," was released. The cover showed nude photos of the lovers front and back, and was banned.
On March 20, 1969, the couple wed in Gibraltar. The following week, the two master media manipulators used their celebrity for good, hosting a honeymoon "bed-in" for peace in room 902, the presidential suite of the Amsterdam Hilton. The press avidly pursued them, assuming that the famous nudists would make love for their cameras. Instead, the pajama-clad newlyweds spoke out about world peace. It was the honeymoon as performance art, interlaced with a protest against the Vietnam War.
Lennon's "The Ballad of John and Yoko" chronicles the week in song: "Drove from Paris to the Amsterdam Hilton / Talking in our bed for a week / The news people said / 'Hey, what you doin' in bed?'/ I said, 'We're only tryin' to get us some peace!'"
For a week, John and Yoko give interviews, ignoring the mockery and hostility to spread their words of peace to a global audience.
London's Daily Mirror noted: "A not inconsiderable talent seems to have gone completely off his rocker." Mid-May, the couple planned to mount a second bed-in, this time in New York. Authorities at the US Embassy in London refused to issue Lennon a visa because of his earlier marijuana arrest. So on May 24, 1969, John and Yoko flew to the Bahamas. John found the island it too hot and humid to stay in bed there for a week. So they abruptly left.
The newlyweds headed north, taking corner suite rooms 1738-40-42 at the stately Queen Elizabeth Hotel in Montreal on May 26, 1969 to stage their second weeklong bed-in for peace.
As Dave Bist, a reporter for the Montreal Gazetterecalled, "All kinds of people came to pay their respects, from comedian-singer Tommy Smothers to L'il Abner cartoonist Al Capp, who kind of betrayed the price of entry by getting into a shouting match with the Peaceful Pair."
On June 1, 1969, the call went out for recording equipment. A guitar was found for Tommy Smothers. Oversize lyrics went up on the walls. And John and Yoko, along with a roomful of people that included Dr. Timothy Leary, Montreal Rabbi Abraham Feinberg, musicians Derek Taylor and Petula Clark, and members of the Canadian Radha Krishna Temple in the chorus, recorded "Give Peace a Chance." The single is credited to "The Plastic Ono Band." Five weeks later, on July 7, the 45 was released in the United States. "Give Peace a Chance" reached no. 14 on Billboard's chart -- and inspired an entire generation to chant a song of peace along with John and Yoko.
Lined in beige moire wallpaper and covered with wine-colored carpeting, the full three-room suite includes two bedrooms (one with twin beds, another with a comfortable king), three black-marble bathrooms, a dining room with a polished wooden table and eight upholstered wine-and-gold chairs, a living room with green jacquard couch that folds into a sofa, and several gold-rimmed mirrors. Large windows overlook Montreal's Marie the Queen of the World basilica, its statues and dome turned a glorious verdigris.
The package, good Friday and Saturday nights, includes accommodations in the John Lennon suite, a souvenir photo of the 1969 event, breakfast for two, a bottle of sparkling wine, and a welcome gift.
Commemorating the bed-in, framed pictures of the event by Ted Church hand in the suite's foyer. In the living room there's a color photo of John and Yoko surrounded by eight gold 45s of their Apple-label recording and the song lyrics.
Many of the hotel's bellmen have been with the Queen E for decades, and will share their memories of the groupies and the sweet smell of marijuana that pervaded the hallway that week more than thirty years ago.
And yes, they'll tell you, still every year on December 8, the day John Lennon was murdered, two dozen roses, half red and half white, are left by the door of the suite.
No one has ever been able to determine who sent them — or seen how they get there.

"Hair Peace, Bed Peace."