March 24, 2007Ecstasy // Chapter 31We lay together until the sun rose, clearing the threatening black clouds, pushing them on to a new town. Shades of pink, purple, and orange filled the sky, stretching from the horizon to the fading stars. I watched the leaves on the trees turn golden as rays of warm light reflected on their waxy surfaces. Stunned once again by the beauty Mother Nature held, the beauty that graced our presence every day, I realized that there were so many people who never noticed. Millions, even billions, of people moved through each day and never stopped to look. Never bothered to pay attention. Never learned to appreciate the smell of rain on a new spring day, the perfection of the sun glimmering off of pristine white snow, or the beauty held by a lightning strike. Instead, they saw only mud, cold, and danger. There was something settling about it all. It was like I realized how lucky I was to be one of the few who did stop, absorb, and appreciate. And then I realized how incredibly blessed I was to have the love that I did. I recognized how wonderful the man beside me was. I tried to imagine a life that didn’t have him in it. But the vision I tried to conjure was unattainable. I remembered my life before him, but a life after him didn’t even seem a remote possibility in my mind’s eye. Apparently, my body, heart, and soul knew I needed him forever in my life. My brain was just having trouble grasping the concept. Something I would have to work on. We. We would have to work on. Together. I promised him. "Where are you?" Jared’s voice whispered. His breath was hot on my ear, the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rising to greet his question. "My head," I murmured contentedly. "Thinking." "What about?" "Anything. Everything," I said. "Mostly you." "Me?" he said in childish delight. "Mmhmm," I mumbled, wanting to return to the lands of my thoughts, but reluctantly awakening to the world of man, our world. "I don’t know if I should be honored, or worried." I smiled sleepily and turned to my side, leaning against him. He rested his chin on top of my head and I said, "All good thoughts, I promise." He laughed softly and his chest quivered against my cheek. "I don’t know...," I said slowly, waking up a bit more. "I was trying to imagine a life for myself that didn’t have you in it." "Uh oh. That’s not all good things." Mild alarm was creeping into his voice as he began to mentally return to the issues we had partially worked through the night before. But I didn’t want to go back there. Not now, not yet. "I couldn’t do it," I said. I pulled my head back and looked up at him. I put my hand on his cheek, brushing the jet-black strands of hair back from his face. "I couldn’t imagine it. I don’t think a life without you does exist. And if last night didn’t give me hope, strength, or reassurance," I said smiling, "then that fact alone surely will." He dipped his head and brushed his lips against mine, leaving me with a miniscule sample of his passion before he returned to the cushion. The room began to lighten as the sun climbed higher in the sky, illuminating his face as the lightning had done. He pulled me tightly against him again, folding his arms across my chest. "I never saw myself falling in love with someone," he said slowly. "It was never me. Never something I would do. When I realized that I had, it caught me by surprise. I took a step back and looked at everything we have. I looked at the months we have spent together and saw a woman 15 years younger than me." I cringed at the number, a knife twisting in my stomach, but he only tightened his grasp. "I saw a relationship society would frown upon, so I searched for something resembling guilt or indiscretion. But there was nothing. And it was one of those cliché moments where you realize, It’s us against the world, and nothing else matters. Because when I saw that woman, I knew I loved her more than anybody could ever love another person. But she was scared. And she was hesitant and withdrawn and ready to bolt at the slightest altercation. And in that moment, I told myself I would make her believe. I would make her believe in herself, in me, and in everything we can have together." I frowned to myself, hidden from his view. "What happened to her?" I asked, my voice barely audible. "She suffered unspeakable tragedies and relived the most painful of memories. She broke, healed, and broke again. And I’m still trying to make her believe." I wanted to cry. His words cut to my center, drawing blood, both of pain and of hope. "She doesn’t want you to give up," I said and my voice cracked under the weight of our words. "Never," he whispered in my ear again. I closed my eyes and fell into the sensation of his touch. His fingers began lightly tracing my abdomen, reassuring, calming. A melody began writing itself in my head, and I immediately shut out the world. I stopped the birds’ chirps from filtering into my ears and the sounds of cars driving past the house. I listened to the melody, creating and changing as I focused on its inspiration, his hand on my stomach. I froze against his body as I became further removed from everything physical. A small part of me registered him stop moving as well, wondering what was going on with me, what I was thinking. My eyes closed as a harmony began to emerge, every note ringing clearly in my head. As it faded away, my muscles relaxed, my eyes opened, and a smile spread across my face. Jared, feeling me come alive again, pressed a hand firmly into my abdomen and turned me onto my back, wanting to see my face. Seeing my smile, worry disappeared from his eyes. "What just happened?" he asked curiously. "Music," I said, and my smile turned into a grin. Its power taking over, I wriggled out of his arms and stood up. "Where are you going?" he whined. But I didn’t answer. Instead, I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders, kissed him quickly on the forehead, and walked through the french doors into the living room, and then into the music room. I left the door open as I made my way to the piano, correctly assuming Jared would follow me. I had just sat down on the bench when he entered the room and sat on a stool a few feet away. I had taken the blanket, so he was now wearing nothing but his jeans. I felt his eyes on me, but I shut the sensation out. In my mind’s eye, I erased him from the room. I was happy he was there, but if I knew he was there, I wouldn’t be able to focus. I called back the music that had written itself into the lining of my brain. With each note, a new image appeared before my eyes, every chord change bringing out a new emotion. I set my fingers on the keys and began to play what I saw, always hearing and seeing a few measures ahead of what the piano created. As I fell deeper into the harmonies, my pace quickened. My fingers brushed quickly back and forth across the keys, depressing them only as hard and as long as needed for the hammer to hit the string, calling forth each individual note and hearing all simultaneously come together in my head. When I ran out of notes, my hands dropped from the keys and I slowly opened my eyes. I took a few deep breaths, realizing my heart was racing, and pulled the blanket back up over my shoulders before stealing a look at Jared. Now able to acknowledge his presence, I searched his eyes for a reaction. But he didn’t say anything. He didn’t let anything show. Because he knew me that well. I turned back to the black and white keys, this time focusing on what they had produced, not what I had heard in my head. It was time to turn it into music. I set my fingers on the keys again, but this time choosing a minor key. Flats and minor thirds suited me much more than sharps and happy major thirds ever would. As I played, I threw all of my energy into listening to every single note resonating within the black cavern and the room beyond. I focused on their chemistry, adjusting things here and there to fit each other and the new key and feel of the song. I looped the entire song together, not stopping in between plays. Intent on perfecting it before I rested, I worked through every impurity and clashing harmony until I was as satisfied as I could be. Finding myself to actually be quite pleased with the end result, I vowed to write lyrics. I knew I needed to complete the song, the song Jared had inspired. I stretched, knowing I would go back, obsess over it, and change numerous aspects of the piece later, but for now, I turned my attention back to Jared. I looked tentatively over at him, and he was staring at me, a slightly dumfounded look on his face. "You just wrote that in half an hour," he said, disbelief dripping from his voice. I shrugged, self-consciously, and focused my eyes to my bare knees poking out of the blanket. I shivered and felt an arm wrap around my shoulders as Jared sat down on the bench next to me. I leaned against his chest and whispered, "Was it good?" I wasn’t looking for affirmation of my musical abilities. I was just looking for truth. He turned my head up to face his, his fingers lightly resting on my chin. His cerulean eyes searched mine, drawing me uncontrollably inside as he figured out what kind of answer to give. My body screamed criticism at him, needing something constructive to work with, a way to change it. But he gave me nothing. "It’s beautiful," he said. "It’s perfect." There was a hit of an apology in his voice, knowing he couldn’t give me what I wanted. Tears sprang to his eyes but didn’t fall. He blinked a few times and looked away, his arms still cradling me against him. I swung my legs into his lap and wrapped my arms around him, wanting desperately to make him feel better, even if they were the good kind of tears. We had cried enough lately. "Why did you want me to find something wrong with it?" he asked softly. "I don’t know," I mumbled. "I never like the first draft of anything. And I never usually like the finished product either. I’ve only written two or three songs in my life that I keep with me." "That’s a shame," he said in my ear. "My opinion is, somebody has already written something better. But my music holds meaning for me, and I don’t create it for anyone else, so I try not to compare it to the world. Does that make any sense?" He laughed and kissed the top of my head, the slight emotional torment of the song leaving us both. "I understand completely," he said. "If I hadn’t gotten over that, there’s no way I’d be where I am right now, where I want to be. But that’s your choice." I smiled into his chest as his hand rubbed up and down my arm. My stomach came alive as I sat wrapped in his arms, never wanting to get up. But as soon as he heard it, he kicked into paternal mode and unfurled himself from around me. Feeling the lack of warmth his cocoon had provided, I scooted off his legs, stood, and stretched, one hand grasping the blanket around my chest. "When is the last time we ate?" he asked, standing up. I stifled a yawn and chewed on my lip, trying to remember. "No clue," I said finally, giving up. I looked over at Jared and he was grinning. "What’s with you?" "Do you want to stay in, or do you feel like going somewhere?" he asked. There was a mischievous glow in his eyes. I grinned and said, "What did you have in mind?" "Family," he said simply and pulled out his blackberry. My stomach jumped to my throat for a moment. I wasn’t sure which family he meant. The band? Or actual blood relatives? "Hey bro!" he barked into the phone. I smiled, imagining Shannon holding the phone away from his overly-excited brother’s voice. As they kept talking, I tried to figure out what plans were being made, and who exactly was involved. "What’s going on?......They’re there now?......Were you going out?......Perfect......No, we’re good......We’re GOOD......She knows.......Okay......An hour......Sounds good." He hung up, slipped the phone back into his pocket, and turned to me, a mix between a smile and frown on his face. "We’re good?" I asked, referring to his words to Shannon. I knew he talked to his brother about everything, and I truly didn’t mind, but I was curious just the same. "We are, aren’t we?" he asked. I nodded and he said, "Shan just wanted to know if you and I were...okay...after everything." I smiled and leaned forward to kiss him softly, answering the unspoken question in his voice. Yes, I was okay. When I pulled back, he said, "Shannon wanted me to tell you that he’s sorry if what he said that afternoon, asking you about Eva, had anything to do with it all. If he upset you or anything." "But he didn’t. It wasn’t his fault." "I know that, and you now that. But I think he just feels bad," Jared said. I frowned, troubled by Shannon’s apparent guilt, but it appeared that Jared had already tried convincing Shannon of his lack of blame, so I let it go. "Okay," I said, making my way around the piano bench and towards the door. "An hour, right?" "Yup," he called after me as I passed out of the room. I collected yesterday’s clothes from the sunroom and ascended the stairs, entering the bathroom. After taking a quick shower and cursing unhappily at my empty lotion bottle, I wrapped a towel around myself and went to the closet. Jared was inside, still in his jeans, another black pair draped over his arm. He was reaching for a t-shirt when I brushed past him to my clothes. "What was the swearing about?" he asked behind me. "Fucking lotion," I grumbled. "It’s gone." Before I could ask him if he had used it, just to see his reaction, he laughed and walked out to take his own shower. Apparently, he didn’t understand the importance of my lotion to me. Throwing silent ‘motherfucker’s into the air, I stormed out of the closet with an armful of clothes. I dropped my towel on the floor and got dressed, slipping into a loose pair of black gauchos and plain white v-neck shirt. I fastened the silver guitar pick around my neck, finding comfort in the cool metal against my chest. I messily pulled my hair back and went through the open bathroom door. The water shut off and Jared slid open the shower door as I was leaning towards the mirror, mascara in had. He blinked at me before wrapping a towel around his waist. "Can’t a man get some privacy," he said smiling. He walked over and slid a hand around to my stomach, planting a light kiss on my neck before disappearing into the bedroom. "You’re the one that left the door open," I called after him. Mascara applied, I glared again at the empty lotion bottle, dumped it into the garbage can, and went downstairs to wait. When Jared finally came down the stairs, I was sitting on the floor, gently rocking my head back against the front door in time to the song playing through my head. He shook his head at me, amused by my increasingly impatient attempts at waiting. His hair was straightened and eyeliner applied, a curious action when we were only going to meet the guys, but I had learned that that was Jared. "Ready?" he asked, walking to stand in front of me. I nodded at his knees and a hand appeared before my face to help me up. "I thought you’d never ask," I said as I rose to his level. I turned around and swung open the door, running to my car as soon as the opening was wide enough. He laughed, wanting to chase me, but he had to lock the house. I jumped into the passenger’s seat of the Prius and punched the horn as he approached. He gave me the finger through the windshield, and I stuck out my tongue in childish response. When he had closed the driver’s door behind him, I got the sudden urge for physical contact. I leaned across the seat and pressed my lips against his, pushing him back into the seat. I felt the surprise leave him, and he returned the kiss aggressively, nipping once at my lip before I pulled back and settled into the seat. He looked over at me for a long moment, a mix between adoration, lust, and curiosity plastered across his face. I wrinkled my nose at him and my teeth found the place on my lip where his teeth had been. I began to gnaw at it as he pulled out of the driveway. I plugged my ipod into the aux system and turned it to The Police, in the mood for some Synchronicity. Jared was in the middle of what I wanted to do tomorrow when I interrupted him. "Turn! Here! Turn right! TURN DAMN IT!" I yelled, and I reached over and grabbed at the wheel. Startled, Jared slammed on the brakes. Luckily, there was no one behind us. He slapped my hands away and turned the car into the driveway I had yelled about. "Jesus Fucking Christ!" he yelled back. "Do you want to kill us?" he asked, and then started to laugh, more amused at my outburst than upset. "No," I said glaring at him. "I just want my goddamn lotion." He arched an eyebrow and looked at me expectantly. "You don’t have to come in," I said. "Just drop me off. AND WAIT FOR ME." I could just see him abandoning me at the mall just to pay me back for scaring the shit out of him. "Okay, okay, I’ll wait," he said laughing, shaking his head slightly as if he didn’t know what to do with me. But whatever, I didn’t care what he thought. I just wanted my lotion. As he pulled up in front of the doors, I jumped out of the car and darted for the door, before turning around and slamming my hand on the car window to stop him from pulling away. He rolled down the window and I reached through to the seat for my wallet. I grinned at him before turning around and heading for the door again. I heard him call "Lunatic!" after me as he rolled the window up and pulled away to circle the parking lot until I came out. I smiled to myself as I crossed the threshold into the air conditioning of the mall. I checked the directory, looking for the Body Shop. When I reached the store, I searched frantically for the Satsuma Body Butter I had become addicted to. My eyes fell on it and I held it up triumphantly in the air before making my way to the counter to pay. With the green Body Shop bag hanging happily from my wrist, I exited the mall into the warm afternoon air and saw the red Prius waiting for me by the curb. When I got to the car, I hopped into the backseat instead of the passenger seat. Jared turned around and looked at me, a quizzical look on his face. "Don’t ask questions, just drive. We’re going to be late," I said before he could say anything. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. "Putting on my lotion," I said. "Duh." "You have to have lotion on to go over to Shannon’s and hang with the guys?" "Uh, YES. You don’t understand. This lotion, is addiction. I don’t go a day without it. So yes, we had to stop. And yes, I had to buy it. And yes, I have to put it on in the car. And I have to do it in the back seat because, well, tinted windows." "I love you," was his response. I smiled, pleased with myself and my now-moisturized legs and arms. "Love you too dear," I said as I crawled into the front, my knee and elbow unintentionally digging into various parts of his body. "Fuck," he muttered to himself as his eyes lost the road through my attempts to regain my seat. "Sorry," I said sheepishly. "Mmm you smell delicious," he said, licking his lips. I smiled again. "See, you’re happy I stopped for lotion. Don’t even deny it." He pouted, not wanting to admit I was right, and at the next stoplight, he leaned over, grasped the back of my neck, and pulled my lips to his, holding us together until the light turned green and the car behind laid on their horn. We reluctantly parted and he released his hand from my neck, turning his eyes slowly back to the road and stepping on the gas. I settled back into the cushion of the seat and watched the city pass us by for the rest of the drive. When we pulled into Shannon’s driveway, I immediately perked up, anxious to see the family I desperately missed. As soon as the car stopped moving, I threw open the door, ran around to Jared’s door, and dragged him up the front walk behind me. Like a little kid, he resisted being led, twisting his wrist until it slipped out of my grasp. He reached around me and opened the door, not bothering to knock. We made our way through the house to the backyard. I grinned as we stopped outside. Matt was in the pool, floating on a raft with a beer in the cup holder. Tomo was lying on a chaise lounge, a pair of big sunglasses over his eyes, and Shannon was nowhere to be seen. "FUCK YOU!" I screamed into the air. But they didn’t care. I could have called them ever insulting name in both the English and Spanish language, and they wouldn’t have released me. Tomo was now sitting up in his chair, sunglasses off, happily watching the spectacle, and Matt was laughing at me from his raft. Little did he know, that beer of his was mine as soon as I was in the pool, if I made it into the pool. In one last attempt to avoid getting wet, I threw my elbow back and made unintentional contact with Shannon’s groin. "Motherfucker!" he yelled, and dropped his end of me. Jared, surprised, loosened his grasp, and I kicked his stomach before pulling my legs away and jumping to my feet. Shannon was on the ground, and I felt kind of bad about the apparent pain he was in, so I turned around and pushed Jared forward into the water instead. I darted away from the edge of the pool before he could pull me in after him and dove onto the chaise lounge next to Tomo as I heard Jared enter the water. I grabbed the beer Tomo offered me, returning the look of ‘Nice job!’, and turned my attention to the pool just in time to see Jared’s black and red hair poke out of the water. I started giggling uncontrollably like a 5 year old, something I seemed to regularly revert back to when I was around the guys. I watched as Jared swam over to Matt, grabbed the beer out of the raft, flipped him over into the water, and poured the brown alcohol into his mouth before swimming to the side and pulling himself out. I braced myself for whatever was coming next as he walked determinedly towards me, but I lost focus when I noticed his shirt clinging to his skin, every defined muscle of his abs and chest showing through. My body tensed as he fell on top of me, and I quickly wriggled out from under his dead weight, my clothes only slightly damp and chlorine scented. He rolled onto his back and glared up at me, apparently unhappy with his present wet condition. I shook my head and said, "That’s what you get for trying to dump ME in the water and ruin my newly-lotioned skin." Unable to maintain an angry exterior, he burst out laughing. "You and your freaking lotion!" I started laughing too and looked around at Shannon, Tomo, and Matt, to be met only with bewildered stares. I just shook my head and grabbed my drink from the patio next to the chaise lounge I had formerly occupied. I walked to a small table near the door and grabbed a handful of pretzels from an open bag. Jared ignored me, trying to be angry again, and brushed past me into the house. I reclaimed my chaise lounge and sprawled across it, in complete bliss. I was with my family again. When Jared reappeared, he had changed into some of Shannon’s clothes, another pair of black jeans and a black and white skull t-shirt. I sat up and scooted forward on the chair as he approached. He sat down behind me, stretching his legs out on either side of mine, and wrapped his arms around my stomach, pulling me back against his chest. I snuggled into him and contentedly fell silent, listening to the multiple conversations and jokes shared between the guys, delighted with being in their presence once again. - - - Some time after pizza had been consumed, I fell asleep, once again in Jared’s arms, the warmth of the afternoon sun dissipating as it fell through the sky to the tops of the trees. My eyes closed, lids heavy from an extended period of time without sleep, and the last thing I remembered was lacing my fingers through Jared’s before snuggling my head between his elbow and chest. When I woke up, I didn’t have a clue where I was. I knew I wasn’t outside anymore, and I knew that Jared wasn’t with me. I sat up and blinked, waiting for my eyes to adjust. When they did, I realized I was still at Shannon’s, in a room I had only been in once or twice. I was on an overstuffed couch, a blanket pulled over me, staring at a small but intimate practice setup. There was a drum set at one end of the room, a few miscellaneous drums strewn about. There was a bass and two guitars along the wall, and all sorts of technical equipment I didn’t understand along the other. I smiled and stood up, my body on autopilot. I picked up a guitar and walked into the living room. Shannon and Matt were each on a couch, and I assumed Jared was in the guestroom and Shannon was in his own. When I walked past the kitchen, something white in the darkness caught my eye. It was Jared, sitting in a chair, hunched over, his elbows on his knees and a mug in his hands. It was the skull on the t-shirt that had attracted my attention. His back was to me, and from the emotions radiating from his body, I decided not to disturb him. Instead, I walked back to the living room, around the couches, and slid open the glass door to the backyard as quietly as I could. There was a faint light on the horizon, the sun still nowhere near poking its head above ground. My eyes spotted the iron spiral staircase at the corner of the house and my body was drawn towards it. I delightfully ascended, my hip only slightly complaining. At the top, it opened onto a deck. There was an iron railing traveling along the edge. Placed here and there around the space were more chairs like the ones below me on the patio, and there was a small outdoor fireplace in the middle. There was a door at the far end that connected it to the office/family room on the second floor, and on the opposite side of the house were the two bedrooms that completed the small upstairs. Concluding I was out of earshot from Shannon, presumably asleep in his bed, I sat against the outside wall of the house, crossed my legs, and set the acoustic in my lap. I bit my lip, debating whether to continue or not, and placed my fingers decidedly on the frets. The first chord entering the morning air was enough to pull me in. I had no control after that. It was the song I had written that morning, in my head and on the piano. It was stripped down, only chords, one brush of strings for each before moving on to the next. It was time to write again, words this time. I let past events and conversations that passed between Jared and I float quickly through my head, drawing on him for inspiration. I restarted the song from the beginning as the first verses began to take form. Each one built from the last, the chorus writing itself as the words passed through my lips. When I had brought the song to a close, I started playing from the beginning again, going through the words in my head, deciding whether to change any or not. But I didn’t want to change it. A large part of me needed to leave the first run as the finished product. There was something more honest about it. As I was playing, I heard the sliding glass door below me open and close. A few moments later, his head appeared above the top step of the stairs, and soon he was making his way across the wooden deck to my side. I didn’t stop playing, and he sat down silently next to me, his legs stretched out straight in front of him. I debated stopping my fingers from moving over the strings, but my heart was screaming at my brain, telling me to share with him. I stole a glance at him, and he was watching me. His piercing blue eyes were analyzing me, wondering what I had done up here before he arrived. They drew me in and forced me open, and then he knew. He looked from me, to the guitar, and then focused on my eyes again. He silently pleaded with me. And I gave in, starting the song over from the beginning, my voice shaking as I started to sing for him. You said we could be infinite When you said we could be infinite, And still you said we could be infinite I melted with your words And we were finally infinite Seasons changed and our love didn’t win, My voice was no longer shaking when I reached the end. It was stronger than it had ever been. I looked over at Jared again, and there was a sadness in his eyes. One I hadn’t seen before. I wasn’t sure if he had liked it or not, until he lifted a hand and ran it along my cheek, wiping away a tear I didn’t even feel fall. The sadness lessened, and a great respect poured from his eyes in its place. I smiled weakly, some sort of affirmation taking over. He cocked his head to the side, and in answer to his unspoken question, I started to play again. Jared’s voice joined in perfectly with mine. He didn’t miss a word, and he didn’t miss a harmony, remembering everything from my performance and the piano earlier that day. I heard the level of emotion he was throwing into every word that passed his lips. When the song was over, I was breathing heavily, my hand shaking. It was perfect. I set the guitar carefully down next to me and when I turned back to Jared, his arms were immediately around me. I collapsed against him and crawled into his lap, making myself as small as possible. I didn’t know if I was trying to hide, from what we had created, from the sunrise, from myself, or if I just wanted to get closer to him. But I didn’t really care. I just wanted the moment. I didn’t want to think about it, I just wanted his arms around me, my head buried in his chest. Responding to my need, he bent his knees, folding me closer against him between his legs and torso. His hand brushed along my cheek and chin, something that would normally force me to look up at him, but I didn’t move. He laughed softly and pulled up on my chin lightly. I reluctantly tipped my head up to look at him. He bent down, meeting me half way, and then his lips were against mine. I slowly returned the kiss, more and more as he pushed against me. He was giving me my need, holding me like I needed to be held, and it was my turn to fulfill his need. When he finally pulled away, he smiled and let me return to his chest. I snuggled against him and he hugged me close. We sat together, him wrapped around me, as the sun rose, and he didn’t let me go.
Posted on 03/24/2007 5:50 PM Comments (14)
March 13, 2007Ecstasy // Chapter 30It's not as long as I'd hoped, but it felt like the right place to end it. Hope you enjoy.
When I woke, I was alone. My heart fell slightly as my mind registered the absence of his body under mine. I couldn’t figure how he managed to get up without waking me. A loud crash resounded through the house and I fell off the couch onto the floor. In my half-awake state, the obvious source of the noise wasn’t so obvious. I slowly raised myself to a standing position, a part of my brain desperately trying to remember where I had left the Demerol bottle. I crept slowly and softly to the door, waiting to hear if the crash would sound again. And it did, scaring me to the edge of death. I poked my head around the doorframe. The house was dark. As I stood in the doorway debating my next move, a flash of light illuminated the living room and kitchen. Thankful I wasn’t epileptic, I finally realized what was going on and a smile spread across my face as what I now recognized as thunder crashed again a few moments later. My ears tuned in to the environment and registered raindrops pounding the roof. I was about to find a better view when my stomach began controlling my motor skills. I found myself in the kitchen while my eyes finally focused in on the darkness. There was something foreign on the counter. I switched the light on over the sink to find a brownie and folded note in front of me. There was a red frosting heart on the top of the brownie and my name was scrawled across the paper in Jared’s familiar writing. My thoughts, naturally having a mind of their own, turned to our previous conversation when he mentioned the things he did for me without occasion. And here he was, doing something else sweet that I didn’t feel I deserved. I picked up the folded sheet and opened it. Laura – I didn’t have the heart to wake you, you looked so peaceful and exhausted. I couldn’t sleep, so I’m going for a drive. I might end up at love you, and I’ll be home soon. - Jared Understanding and empathy flooded me, whether it was accurate or not. I realized that I had done the same thing two nights before, but I hadn’t even left a note. Jared just got lucky and found me in the park. My eyes re-read ‘if it’s not too late.’ I glanced at the clock on the microwave. There was the sound of an explosion in the street before thunder clapped again. I was plunged into darkness as a transformer failed and power was lost. "Sweet," I said aloud. My spirits rose as I felt along the hall and my eyes readjusted to dark again. Reaching the stairs, I ascended and walked through our bedroom to the bathroom. I opened the cabinet under the sink and pulled out an armful of pillar candles, usually used when taking a bath. A blissful smile plastered across my face, I grabbed my lighter, incense, and holder out of the drawer next to the bed. Back downstairs, I went out to the sunroom, not sure if it was safe to be in a completely glass room except for the stone floor, but I didn’t care. I set everything up on the coffee table in front of one of the overstuffed couches. I ignited the lighter, watching with glee as the flame burst forth into the air. A small part of me yearned for a cigarette between my fingers, but I pushed the urge away and lit the candles and incense laid out before me. I retrieved my brownie from the kitchen with the aid of another series of flashes of light. Returning to the sunroom, I curled myself up on the couch and bit into my brown and red treat. It was chocolaty perfection, made even better with the discovery of chocolate chips mixed in. As I chewed, it suddenly fully dawned on me that I was actually eating a brownie. Brownies? When did Jared make those? Dismissing the question based on its irrelevancy, I finished the brownie and lay on my back looking up at the glass roof. There were a few treetops around the edges of my view of the sky. Fat raindrops consistently pummeled the glass and the ground outside. The sound was soothing, the greatest sound nature created. Lightning flashed again, outlining leaves, creating foreboding black shadows, and flooding each individual raindrop resting on the glass with pristine white light before it disappeared from the sky. Thunder crashed, long and loud. I felt the vibrations in my chest and watched as they shook raindrops loose. Thousands of tiny water droplets joined together in rivulets, streaming down the sloped roof and converging yet again, forming small rivers that ran down the glass walls. The candlelight reflected on every glass surface, each flame visible and clearly defined. I’m not sure how long I lay there, watching the candles’ flames, the running raindrops, the constantly flashing lightning, and listening to the roaring thunder. I remembered my mom explaining thunder to me when I was little and hiding under the bed with my dog, scared. "It’s only the gods Laura," she used to say. "They’re bowling." I laughed softly to myself at the ridiculousness of her tale. But it worked. I would always crawl back out from beneath the bed and curl up under my covers once again as she tucked me in tightly, kissed me on the forehead, and whispered "Bowling." That was before I was old enough to disappoint her. Snapped out of my memory, I heard the front door open and close. I didn’t get up. A few minutes later, a damp Jared stepped into the dim glow of the sunroom. I turned to my side and looked at him. He looked wide awake, a smile lighting up his features. He was clearly enjoying the current weather as much as I was. He pulled his wet sweatshirt over his head and ran a hand through his dripping hair. "Thunderstorms," I said as he stood stationary and watched me. "The greatest natural phenomenon to ever occur." He grinned wider and walked around the table to the couch, falling on top of me. Not having taken a Demerol earlier, I yelped as his legs crashed against mine. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes and Jared immediately jumped up off of me. I closed my eyes waiting for the wave of pain to pass. "I am so sorry," Jared kept saying, his voice apologetic and regretful. "It’s okay, don’t worry about it," I said. "I’m fine, I’m okay, really," I added when he didn’t stop apologizing. He left the room and returned a minute later with my Demerol bottle. He paced a little as I opened it and popped one in my mouth. He still wasn’t comfortable with my use of painkillers, but that would never change. He wasn’t relaxing or calming down, and an occasional "I’m sorry" slipped from his mouth. I caught his hand as he paced past me again. "Jared," I said loudly. Thunder crashed after I spoke, reinforcing my tone, and his eyes flew to mine. "I’m okay. I’m not hurt." His eyes softened and he seemed to begin to believe me. I scooted back against the cushions and pulled him down onto the couch beside me. The light from the candles on the table behind him cast his face in shadows. I couldn’t see his eyes, but it didn’t matter, because soon his lips were against mine and my eyes automatically closed. I jumped as thunder rolled through the sky again and I accidentally bit down on his lip. Not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to make him smile. I unwillingly pulled away and leaned my body against his. "Where’d you go?" I asked softly, not pressing, but curious. "Down to the ocean. I drove along the cliffs for a little while, watched the storm come. When it started raining, I drove over to I started laughing. "Unlike us, most people are actually sleeping at He made a face and said, "I don’t care whether he would have appreciated it or not! My job is not to keep him happy. As his younger brother, it is my duty to do things like jumping on him in the wee hours of the morning." He smiled proudly, taking great joy in his self-proclaimed task, before continuing. "As for sleeping, I thought you would be still." "Me? Sleeping during a thunderstorm? Hell no. I never sleep through them. I always get up and watch. Besides, when is the last time we actually slept during the hours people normally sleep?" He chewed on his lip, seriously contemplating my question. "I have no idea," he said suddenly, starting to laugh, both of us amused by our unconventional habits. We fell silent, peacefully and calmly listening to the rain and waiting for another flash of light. Jared slid his hand under my side and lifted me up off of the cushions. He turned onto his back and lowered me back down on my stomach on top of him. My legs fell between his and he laid his arms across my back. I smiled and whispered, "If I was a cat, I would be purring right now." His chest shook as he laughed quietly and a hand began playing with my hair. I snuggled closer against him and focused my eyes on a candle flame as lightning filled the room. I closed my eyes and waited for the thunder, wanting to feel the vibrations reverberate through my body like the loudest explosions of fireworks. I opened my eyes and searched myself for any fragment of our unresolved problems, but for now, they had disappeared leaving me only with an intense need for the man beneath me. I lifted my head and rested my chin on his chest. He looked down at me, directly into my eyes, reading my feelings. The candle glow warmed the side of his face and with another flash of lightning, all of his features were illuminated. In that split second, I saw everything I had never seen before. I saw his imperfections and his vulnerability. I saw all of the reasons I love him and the extent of his love for me. The air changed as he realized his own vulnerability and sensed my comprehension. I didn’t move as he ran his hands up and down my back, trying to ease his own discomfort without withdrawing. I watched him as his face gradually relaxed and his hands slowed, coming to a rest at the small of my back. I tried to make out the entirety of his features again, delve deeper into facets of the man I still didn’t completely know the way I wanted to, the way I thought I had. But the moment had passed and I was left with only the small glimpse that had accompanied the lightning. I laid my head down again and listened to his heart, beating in perfect time with the rhythm of the pouring rain hitting the roof and walls. My mind kept wanting to replay our conversation from the music room earlier that day, but I wouldn’t let it happen. I needed the present. Not the past. Not now. I needed to stop over-examining and over-analyzing everything. As I kept telling myself that, Jared’s hands started to move again. A hand landed on my arm, fingers running up and down, tracing circles around my elbow before moving to my shoulder, neck, and then playing with my hair again. His other hand reached under my shirt and rested lightly against my skin on the rise of my hip. His heart slowly picked up pace as his hands moved across my body, and mine quickly followed suit. Understanding his body language, I dug my toes into the couch cushions as another crash of thunder rolled and pushed myself up his chest until our heads were almost level. I stopped and looked into his eyes again, trying to communicate my resurfacing and strengthening need for him without speaking. I saw the same in his eyes before he applied the slightest bit of pressure to the back of my head where his fingers remained in my hair. My head was willingly brought the rest of the way to his and he rose slightly off of the cushions to meet me. Our desire for each other erupted as soon as our mouths connected. My eyes flew shut, the feel of his skin against mine, his hands on my body, and his undivided focus was all I registered. My head began spinning, plunging me into a passionate fervor as his tongue danced past my lips. His hand moved from my hip, sliding further up my back and applying slight pressure, pulling me closer against him. As I forced my lips harder against his, both of his hands moved again to my lower back and pushed me harder against his jeans. The thunder, lightning, and rain disappeared. Followed closely by the couch, candles, and incense. I lost focus and ran both of my hands into his hair, gripping it tightly, not wanting his lips to ever leave mine. He returned the embrace completely, sparks flying in the small or nonexistent spaces between us. His hands moved towards the button on my jeans when sirens screamed in my head. Bells and whistles sounded; the unhappy kind, not the children’s toy playful kind. My body was failing me. I was doing everything I could to pour forth the entirety of my love, passion, need, and yearning for him. But it wasn’t enough. My own feelings were smothering my senses, and it was a foreign experience, one I never expected. To my sudden horror and dismay, I began to uncontrollably withdraw. My body did a complete 180. I lessened the pressure of my lips against his as I began to seal myself off. I threw all of my strength into fighting the walls being constructed, but it was to no avail. I didn’t want him to notice. I wanted him to keep going, to unfasten that button and pull me back to him, bring my under again. But he sensed my change as he always did. It was Jared’s words that stopped the walls when our kiss broke. "We accept the love we think we deserve," he whispered, looking up at me, watching my face curiously and waiting for a reaction. The withdrawing stopped and delight took over as the origin of his words flashed before my eyes. He had read it. "I can’t believe you…" He smiled and nodded, putting a finger to my lips, wanting to know what my actions would be, what my choice would be. He needed to know what I was going to accept. I drew my fingers down his cheek, tracing the pronounced bone down to his chin. I paused and looked into his eyes before pulling his head up to mine. The brief suffocating sensation gone, I accepted. He had the kind of power over me where it only took eight simple words to captivate me once more. Eight perfect words from the perfect book to fix me, and eight perfect words to bring me back to him. He slowly sat up, his hands still residing on my hips, our lips maintaining their connection. I was forced onto my knees on the cushions, my legs on either side of his. I fumbled for the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head, his mouth finding mine again as soon as the shirt was gone. He didn’t move while our kiss gained intensity, my body becoming more and more impatient as my hands slid over his chest. After what was surely an eternity, his fingers began lightly tracing up my sides, taking the cotton fabric with them. When my shirt had been discarded to the floor, the weight of his body slowly pushed me backwards and I fell against the cushions. His lips were on my neck, my hands clawing at his back as he disappeared from view. My body began writhing as I suffered withdrawal, needing his touch and needing to touch him. Giving me my fix, his lips and fingers began tracing the curves of my body. Teasing, taunting. A hand forced its way under my back, allowing my bra to slide off of my arms. My hands reached for him, and I groped for any part of his body I could. I grasped a small handful of hair and started pulling. I simultaneously did and didn’t want him to stop, but the part of me that wanted his jeans in range of my hands conquered. He laughed as I continued to lose composure, lose track of what my own body was doing. I smiled ecstatically at him before he pressed his lips against mine again, feeding the fire. I instinctively slowed down as I felt Jared’s shift from playful passion to immeasurable love and depth of emotion. I toyed with the top of his black jeans before slipping my fingers beneath them slightly, my other hand unfastening the button. I pushed my hands down his thighs, taking his Calvin Klein’s with me. When his discarded clothing joined my shirt on the floor, he grabbed my wrists and pinned them with one hand above my head. A finger traced my lips, continuing down my neck, chest, stomach, and the skin along the top of the thick blue fabric of my jeans. I bit my lip hard as my abdomen began to quiver, losing any semblance of composure I had maintained until that point. While he unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, there was nothing I wanted more than to be one with him again. At last the comfort of his body above mine settled over us and he lowered himself slightly. My head rose from the couch and pulled his lips into a kiss, the single action needed for him to enter my body with more ferocity than ever before. I shuddered which each thrust of his hips, feeling nothing but divine pleasure, skin against skin, becoming one with the man I loved. I gasped, a rough cry escaping my mouth as I let myself go. My fingers clawed his skin, the violence of his body moving above mine increasing in intensity and speed. My voice low and ragged, I let out another cry, and this time he joined me before crashing his mouth uncontrollably to mine, stifling both of our moans. My legs wrapped around his hips, my hands in his hair, our lips fused together, our tongues dancing. Thousands of silent words flew between us at a mind-numbing speed, our love a language none but us would understand, screamed to each other as we ascended. With one final thrust, we fell from our mountain, our bodies close enough to be mistaken for one. He drew back and I froze, a shudder wracked my body, and our eyes locked onto each other. His gaze spoke love, desire, sadness, relief, compassion, and an intensity I couldn’t comprehend without his lips against mine, our bodies riding waves. "I feel infinite," I whispered.
And we went under together again. My legs still wrapped around his body, I began to feel him move again, love me again, pushing himself slowly deeper within me. I closed my eyes and his whisper reached my ears, mirroring my words. “I feel infinite.” And our climb to the top of the mountain began, the depth of his eyes becoming clear to me once again. Comprehensible in the only way possible. The sky grew more violent, each crash of thunder and flash of lightning driving our intensity to new levels. To the outside world, we were the ideal couple. The perfect model for relationships everywhere as we made love on the couch. We were safe in our glass display case as the universe stormed around us. But we knew our insecurities and the treacherous water we tread. We knew how unstable we truly were. And we knew the risk we put our hearts and mental health in when we allowed ourselves to be together, exposing the vastness of our love and our most private and fragile emotions.
The love we shared was indescribable, the fear we masked unspeakable.
Posted on 03/13/2007 2:48 PM Comments (13)
March 8, 2007Ecstasy // Chapter 29This is a product of a few bad days, mentally speaking. Consequently, I offer my sincerest apologies if my writing is not what it should be. In my mind, it’s not. I was hoping this would be a lot better, but I can’t make it work. And it’s not as long as I was hoping it would be for the amount of time it took me to write. Rawr. Hope you enjoy anyway, as always. <33 The next morning, I had another physical therapy appointment. The alarm on my phone vibrated excitedly and almost buzzed itself off the table next to the bed. It was a hell of a lot more excited that I was. My bruises weren’t healed and I was sure they would get worse after today. I caught the sidekick before it fell to the ground. Flipping it open, I slammed my hand against the keypad, effectively shutting it off. Jared’s arms tightened around my waist momentarily as I moved to get up. I wasn’t sure if he was awake or not, but I did know that I didn’t want to get up. I was afraid if I did, I would lose the inch I had gained and crash back down to my rock bottom. But I was already going to be late. When his arms loosened, I reluctantly crawled out of bed and turned around to look at him. His breathing was deep and his eyes were closed. His face was screwing itself into funny expressions. Still sleeping, and likely dreaming. I didn’t know if he remembered I had an appointment or if he wanted to go. And with all of the hurt, anger, and tension between us, I wasn’t sure if he would want to be woken up. I decided not to and quietly pulled a pair of sweatpants over shorts and a sweatshirt over a t-shirt. I pulled my hair back as I walked down the stairs and grabbed an apple from the kitchen. I bit into it and left it in my mouth as I found my keys and slipped out the door to the Prius. Once arriving at the therapy office, I turned the car off and scarfed down the rest of my meager breakfast before reluctantly getting out and heading for the door. - - - I came out an hour later with fresh, darker bruises, two more appointments for the next week, and a refill for my Demerol. The only one I was happy about was the latter. As I started my car, I fought a strong urge to drive to the nearest convenience store and buy cigarettes again. But if I did that, losing my inch would have been set in stone. So instead, I pointed myself towards the ocean. When I saw the pristine blue looming before me through the windshield, I turned off the air conditioning and rolled down the windows, letting the salty smell and breeze enter the car as I drove along its edge. Where the road rose on a cliff, the crash of waves against rock greeted my ears, the violence invigorating. I felt microscopic compared to the vastness of the sea. But the feeling of being inconsequential compared to the world wasn’t depressing. It was quite the opposite really. I knew that no matter how small I was to the rest of the world, I had somebody that meant the world to me, and that loved me in return, who was waiting for me to return not matter how badly I had screwed things up. And my emotions temporarily settled themselves. - - - After feeling somewhat rejuvenated from my drive along the water, I didn’t want to pull into the driveway. I don’t know what I was afraid of, but there was definitely fear in me somewhere. I didn’t want to face my demons. I checked the clock as I sat in the driveway, preparing myself to get out. It was past I didn’t know what else to do, so I forced myself to open the door. When I entered the house, some of the stress that had been kept within the walls had lessened. A mild comfort, a promising sign? I found Jared in the music room. The door had been left open, presumably waiting for me. I walked in silently. Jared was sitting on a stool in the middle of the room. He had nothing on but pajama pants, an acoustic guitar in his lap, covering half of his chest, and his bare feet resting on the rungs of the stool below him. His shoulders were hunched over the hollow body, his fingers moving nimbly over the strings. He had a pick between his teeth having opted against using it. His playing was soft and I couldn’t tell if he was playing something old or composing something new. He didn’t look up as I closed the door behind me. We were the only two in the house and already had privacy, but habit made me close it anyway. The pick fell from his mouth, bouncing once on it’s thin edge before settling on the soft carpet as I made my way back to the middle of the floor, about 10 feet down the length of the room from him. "How was therapy?" he asked without stopping his playing, still not looking up. "It was fine," I mumbled. "Hurt like hell. I...I didn’t know if I should’ve woken you up or not..." "Only if you wanted me to go with you. I would have," he said slowly. "Well I did want you to come, but...you were sleeping. I didn’t know what to do..." He stood and set the guitar back in its stand. He kicked the pick off to the side and sat back down on the stool, crossing his arms over his legs. Finally, he looked up. He smiled faintly and I took a few steps forward. "How are your legs?" he asked as I drew closer. "Sore," I said. "I need to sit." I fell onto the couch when I reached it, my face contorting itself as my bruised thigh hit the armrest. He grimaced as he witnessed my pain, feeling for me as he swiveled to face the couch. He tugged on his earlobe momentarily and ran his hands through his messy morning hair. "Do you want to talk?" he asked cautiously. I started to chew violently on my lip in the same place I had before. The skin split and burned once again, giving me something to concentrate on, new pain next to my hips. "No," I said, my voice shaking. He was about to get up, accepting my answer, but I stopped him. "What I meant was, no, I don’t want to. But we have to. There is no better time, and I can’t keep going like…this," I said, lacking more profound words. He got up and sat on the edge of the table in front of me, his knees brushing against mine. "I don’t know what to say," I said helplessly. "I don’t know where to start." "The beginning," Jared said softly. "When did all of this start?" I sighed and dropped my head, not sure if he wanted to hear my answer. "It either started when I was born, when I started counting on nobody but myself as a teenager……or when I fell in love with you." "When you fell in love with me?" he asked, the familiar pain of the past two days returning to his voice and face. I nodded my head in an attempt to gather my thoughts. "Loving you like I do, deeply and completely, it scares me. You might not understand it, I don’t know. You see, you are THE BEST thing that has ever happened to me, and no matter how many times I may have thought that I regretted you hearing me playing and singing in that parking lot on New Year’s, I never really truly regret it. Because you hearing me and seeing me there by myself made you come over and sit down and listen. And that’s when my life changed. That’s when the man I admire, the man I look to for inspiration and strength through his music; that’s when he knew I existed. That’s when you sang A Modern Myth on the hood of the car and you saw a part of me that I never voluntarily show anyone. That’s when you showed up at my hotel in the morning and remembered my favorite muffin. That’s when we started talking almost every night, you calling after every show no matter how late it was. That’s when you told me I should stop drinking. That’s when I started missing you and wanting to see you again. But I never would have told you that. And that’s when you showed up at Salvatore’s. That’s when I went on tour with you. That’s when you bought me a necklace without an occasion. That’s when you scheduled a date in Jared still didn’t say anything. He released my hand and rested his elbows on his knees, his chin in his hands. I watched his bare chest move up and down as he took a few deep breaths, preparing himself for speech. But I still wasn’t done. “What I’m trying to say is, when I realized that I loved you, with everything I have, my entire being, I got scared. I know it’s not a normal reaction, but it’s my reaction. I’ve never allowed myself to completely love anybody. I don’t let things be happy and perfect for very long. I tear apart what is important to me, because I’m convinced I’m going to lose it, and sooner is better than later.” I was finally finished, horrified at the words that had come out of my mouth.
I focused my gaze on his eyes, taking in every word he spoke. I wanted to believe in what he was saying. I wanted to be that positive. But I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t me. “And I don’t want to lose those moments. I am going to be there with you, helping you through everything I possibly can, for as long as I can, just like I did with your mom, Dan, and Eva. And all that I can do is keep saying I’m going to be there, I’m not leaving, I love you, I won’t judge you, and you can talk to me about anything, even if you feel you don’t deserve any of it. Because it’s not about deserving. It’s about how much I love you and can’t stand to see you hurt, whether it’s from events or your own thoughts. And all I can do is hope that at some point, you start believing it. The only thing I can’t help you with is the way you self-destruct. You’re good at hiding and pretending you’re not. I wish you weren’t but you are. I don’t always know when you’re hurting, when you need my help.” I nodded my head and dropped my gaze to the floor between our feet. I knew what he was saying was true. And I could almost force myself to believe. “And YOU didn’t fuck anything up,” he continued. “Not by yourself. We are together, there is no you and there is no me when things get fucked up.” His promising words lifted my eyes to his again. I was slowly beginning to feel less guilty. “It’s always, ALWAYS, us.” His words were desperately forceful, all of his energy pouring into them and trying to convince me to believe what he believed. “Everything I did for you, the notebook, the fireworks, your birthday, the jewelry; I did it because I wanted to. No occasion necessary. I didn’t do it to make you feel like you owed me something. Never in a million years would I expect, or even WANT something in return. It was never meant to make you feel like you didn’t deserve me, the things I do for you, or my love for you.” I hadn’t come right out and said anything directly about any of that last part. How did he know? He smiled a small smile and nodded his head the tiniest bit, knowing what I was thinking. Yes, he did indeed know me better than I knew myself sometimes. He knew my insecurities and my shortcomings, and he was still there, sitting right in front of me, trying to convince me of that. “Has anything I said made a difference?” he asked quietly. “I don’t know,” I answered. “I think so. I just have to...process.” He fell silent and watched me as my mind raced. Words and sentences were forming faster than I could follow them, and I tried to choose what to say next. “I want to believe you. I want to so badly, you have no idea. But it’s not in my nature. I need to change that, I know. I just don’t know how. I realize I keep saying that, but I really have no idea. As much as I hate it, I need your help.” I looked pleadingly into his eyes, needing him to understand all that I was saying. “Anything you need, it’s yours. But you have to tell me. You have to ask,” he said. “I will. I’ll try. And I know you don’t want apologies, but I’m going to give one anyway. I am sorry. Unbelievably sorry. I never wanted any of this to happen, at least not consciously. Maybe it’s a good thing that it happened, I don’t know, but I don’t like the pain I’ve caused you, and myself. Even if you won’t let me take the blame for all of it, it’s partially my fault.” Jared sat up straight across from my and placed his hands on the sides of my face. “It’s okay. I’m going to keep telling you that until you understand, I don’t care how long it takes.” “I have been through SO MUCH with you. More than anyone else. If you hadn’t been there with me, I don’t know if I would have held it together. I’ve always had my music and my writing, but it was never enough. I push everything I don’t want to deal with to the very bottom of everything, down to my toes, and I can never get rid of it. So when I lose control and it surfaces, like it has done lately, I start spinning, and everything gets wrecked. Including myself and the people around me, in this case, you.” “I’m hardly wrecked,” he said comfortingly. “Lucky you,” I said and shook my head as his hands dropped from my face. “I desperately need all of this to be over. But I get that it won’t be for a while. I just need you to know that, like you and like everyone else, I’m never going to be completely one hundred percent open. I need my privacy, and I need to pull into myself every now and then. To keep my sanity if nothing else.” “I get it. Completely understandable.” He paused and his eyes flicked away from mine as he debated whether or not to say what was on the tip of his tongue. I hardened my gaze, trying to force him to speak. I needed to hear whatever it was. “You’re not going to...freak out or get mad if I ask you to open up right? If I know that you’re feeling or thinking something that you need to say but can’t say it?” I laughed briefly, surprised by his question. “Do I intimidate you?” The look on his face turned from questioning concern to playful incredulity. “Maybe just a little,” he joked, and cowered away from me slightly. But his face fell a few moments later as his thoughts returned to his question, awaiting a straight answer from me. I chewed on my lip, wondering how to answer. “I can’t guarantee that I won’t feel...a tiny bit resentful. It’s foreign to me. I’ve never completely opened up to someone...verbally. I’m completely open in bed,” I said, trying to add some humor. Didn’t work, he didn’t smile. “When it comes to what I’m feeling, what I’m seriously thinking, what’s bothering me, it’s just something I haven’t done since I was 10. So it’s not going to be easy. You need to know that. And I’m not promising success. I don’t know if I can do it. But for me, and for you, I have to at least try. And that’s the best I can tell you right now.” “That’s okay,” he said confidently. I felt like there were still unresolved issues, still so much more to talk about. But our hurt, anger, and sadness had lessened, and neither of us could handle any more self-realization at the moment. “Are we okay?” I asked tentatively, the same question I had incorrectly thought the answer was yes to the day before. I hoped now that I was right. “For now, we’re okay,” Jared said slowly. “But there’s still so much more.” I nodded my head in resignation and stood up. As I leaned over to kiss his cheek, his arms encircled my waist and pulled me down into his lap. My bruised thigh crashed against his leg, but I ignored it. As his hands rested on my hips, his gaze locked onto mine and he slowly brought his head up to me as I bent slightly to meet him. There was an apology concealed in his kiss, communicating slight hurt and forgiveness. His lips against mine were perfection, something I had missed the past three days. I laced my fingers together behind his neck and pulled him closer against me. I needed connection. A few moments later, I was lifted from his lap to the couch behind us where I had been sitting earlier. He positioned himself carefully above me, conscious of my bruises and constant pain as his lips collided with mine again. I let him overpower me for a while, his lips moving from mine, to my neck, and back again. I slowly fell deeper into him and the unspeakable words our passion spoke. As his fingers tangled themselves in my hair, I ran my hands along his back and pulled him down against me. He complied willingly and slowly slid his hands down my sides until they rested on my bare hips, my shirt having slid up slightly. He pushed himself down into the cushions between my legs, his soft pajama pants rubbing against my bare legs below my shorts. The rhythmic rise and fall of his bare chest against mine was soothing and his hands reached for the small of my back, lifting me from the cushions for a few brief moments. Our passion we had shared before on the same couch came vividly back to me, and his words of ‘You’re beautiful’ came ringing back through my mind. The only time I ever believed those words was when we were together, and I suddenly didn’t want the moment to ever end. I liked believing him. Returning my focus to the man I loved, I pulled his lips back to mine, our tongues taking turns exploring each others mouths, intensifying our connection without him being physically within me, something my hip wouldn’t allow, even with Demerol. His hands left my back and returned to my hips, pulling me down slightly, closing all gaps between our bodies. We were as close as possible, and it was bliss. Our minds left all thoughts of discontent that had plagued us the past few days behind, and all that existed was each other. Slowly, he began pulling away. The gaps of air between our bodies returned, and at last our lips broke. He was breathing heavily as he lowered himself down between me and the back cushions. I turned onto my side, facing him, and rested my body half on him and half off. My head on his damp chest, I listened to the comfort of his heartbeat like I had done so many times. He pushed his arm under me and around to my back, his other hand resting on my hip. I wrapped my legs around and through his, still in need of being as close as possible. “I love you,” I whispered. “I love you too,” I heard before my eyes closed and I drifted away.
Posted on 03/08/2007 6:01 PM Comments (8)
March 2, 2007MattMatt Wachter has left 30 Seconds to Mars. It will not be the same without him. It just won't. And at the same time, I can completely respect his decision. He will forever be in my Echelon heart.
Posted on 03/02/2007 12:41 PM Comments (6)
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