The chemicals are restless in my head...

So, I just thought I'd share this interesting developement of my day with you all.  It was very exciting. =]

I live in a small town where there used to be a bowling alley.  Unfortunately, they turned it into apartments, a sub shop, and a movie rental.  But, since it used to be there, there also is a bowling pin factory which, incidentally, is located in my back yard, about 150 to 200 yards from my house.

Or, I should be more accurate and say, there USED TO BE a bowling pin factory and it WAS 150-200 yards from my house.

Because, see, it burned down today.  To the ground.  Still full of chemicals and everything.  Let's just say, it smelled awful.  And had the wind been blowing in the opposite direction, our house may also still not be standing.  But let's not dwell on that shall we?  It's irrelevant.

Flames were huge, or so I was told, due to the chemicals.  I was stuck at a hair appointment with dye in my hair, so I missed the BIG burning, but it was still smoking when I arrived home.  Luckily, sister was home and she took some pictures for me.  =]

I must say, I will miss the old bowling pin factory.  It was my landmark when venturing down to the caves.  And it was just an all-around pretty sweet backyard attraction.

But alas, it is no more.

And yeah, just thought I'd share that with ya'll.  My exciting event of the day.  =D
<33Retro

I can't decide which it is.  It is what it is.
A product of my...migraine perhaps.
Or maybe something else, I don't know.
It's kind of short, but I like it like that.
You may know who it's about, you may not.
Enjoy?  I'd love to know what you think.  <33

You used to be the boy next door.
We played together on the living room floor,
Climbed the branches of the apple tree,
And jumped together into piles of leaves.

Then you made your own choices,
Followed the wrong voices,
And every high
Became another goodbye.

You spread your wings, said you wanted to fly.
So you fucked yourself up, you touched the sky.
Your distorted view of reality
Cost you a life and your sanity.

Cause you made your own choices,
Followed the wrong voices,
And every high
Became another goodbye.

A boy like you could’ve had the world.
A golden palace, red carpets unfurled.
But every high
Was another goodbye.
Goodbye.

Okay, Part 5 of my second story has been posted on Blogspot.  It's a bit shorter.

link

Enjoy?  <33

I feel ridiculous.
Just, getting that out there.

A ringing blackberry woke me up. I slowly sat up, lifting my head from its comfortable perch on Jared’s chest. I looked down at him, watching as he blinked himself awake.

"Phone," I said, unable to form full sentences yet.

Looking slightly more alert, he looked quickly around the room, searching for his pants. He rolled over and extended an arm, pulling the garment closer and fishing his phone out of the pocket. Collapsing onto his back again, he answered.

"Bro, what is it?"

His eyes traveled the length of my body as he listened to Shannon on the other end. Grinning, he reached out and pulled me back down against him. I smiled contentedly and listened to his half of the conversation.

"We got a little distracted, sorry...Calm the fuck down bro...We’ll get there, we’ll get there...Okay right now...An hour."

He groaned as he hung up, dropping the phone back onto his jeans.

"Impatient?" I asked.

"Just a little," he answered sarcastically.
"Well it’s his own fault for staying at a hotel......Not that I’m complaining," I said, inching my way up his chest until our heads were level.

He grinned again. "Me either." Before I could respond, he crashed his mouth against mine, effectively pushing me over onto my back. I started laughing, so he pulled his lips away and moved them to my neck, his body hovering above me and his hands tightly holding my upper arms.

"I thought we had to go," I said breathlessly. My body didn’t want to, but I had heard what he said on the phone. An hour.

"We have an hour," he growled against my skin.

I laughed as his words mimicked what I had been thinking. "But...I have to shower," I said, squirming in his grasp.

"No you don’t," he protested.

"Yes I do!" I effectively twisted out of his tight grip and rolled out from beneath him, quickly darting to my bedroom door before he could catch me. Looking back, he was laying rejected on the floor, watching me, a look of mock hurt plastered all over his face. "You’re welcome to join me," I said slowly. He arched an eyebrow at my words. I bit the corner of my lip and gave a small nod before slipping around the door and into the bathroom, waiting for him to follow.

I reached around the shower door and turned on the water before I heard the door open and close behind me.  Jared’s hands landed on my hips and guided me forward into the stream of hot water.  Immediately steam began rising as the liquid flowed over our bodies.  I pulled his head down to mine and opened my mouth to him.  He ran his tongue along my lips before entering.  My hands moved automatically down his back as my eyes closed.

“Down boy,” I said in response to his growing excitement, pulling away with enough time to get the words out before his lips caught mine again.

Everything after that was a blur.  I lost touch with reality and my sense of time as I so often did in situations like this.  I remembered hands traveling my body, lips against skin, skin against skin.  I remembered being pinned against the shower wall, powerless as his touch intensified.  And I remembered finding it difficult to breathe.

- - -

An hour later, and half an hour late to get Shannon, Jared and I were both clean and dressed, ready to go.  That’s when reality settled. I realized where I was heading, once again, and I immediately flashed back to the club bathroom and the syringes scattered across the floor, the taunting glint in the man’s eye as he offered me my demise.

I shivered, trying to shake it off, and picked up the pace, following Jared towards the door.

"Wait! We don’t have a car," I realized.

"Yes we do," he said without turning around.

"Huh?"

But he wouldn’t answer my question. Instead, he led me down the stairs and to the street where a Pontiac G6 convertible sat at the curb. It was November and cold, so the top would have to remain up, but I loved any convertible.

"Rented it at the airport," he said, finally responding to my bewildered looks. I grinned and got into the passenger’s seat.

"So what’s up with Shannon and Eva?" I asked him once we had started driving.

He blinked, slowing down for a car turning out in front of us before he answered. "I’m not really sure, I haven’t talked to him about it yet." I was more worried about you, he was thinking. "Remember the last time we were here and played a show? You and I came back to your apartment, and everyone else stayed at Eva’s."

"How could I forget?"

"Well, you may also remember that Shannon was the last on the bus at Eva’s the next morning when we left. He took his time with his goodbyes. Or goodbye, more accurately. To Eva," he said looking over at me quickly before focusing on the road again. "I was distracted, but I know they shared a long hug, maybe even a kiss. But I couldn’t see perfectly through the bus window."

"You’re kidding..." I said, surprised.

"Nope. I don’t know if anything happened that night, I never seriously asked him. We joked, like we always do, but I didn’t get a straight answer, so I gave up. If and when he wants to tell me, he will."

"Okay..." I said trailing off.

"What?" he asked, recognizing me in thought.

"Huh?...Oh, I was just, I dunno. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me," I answered, referring to Eva.

"Well, maybe she didn’t know what to think of it. If it would turn into anything or not. After all, they haven’t seen each other since then," he said logically. "They may have called each other, but it’s still not the same. If Shan’s anything like me, it’s not going to feel real to him until...something happens. They share a bed night after night, or share more than just long-distance conversations."

"Did you..."

"I knew you were real," he reassured me softly.

I smiled and settled back into the seat, deciding to withhold any further questions until I saw what happened between them this afternoon.

When we pulled up in front of the hotel, I crawled into the backseat making it easier for Shannon to get in. He walked out of the lobby, a set of drumsticks in hand, and slid into the car.

"You’re fucking late," he growled.

"Sorry," Jared said casually.

"No you’re not," Shannon muttered.

I smiled to myself in the backseat, barely able to contain laughter. We really weren’t sorry. I caught Jared’s eye in the rearview mirror and raised an eyebrow questioningly at him. He shrugged in response, not sure what his brother’s problem was. So I sat back to watch and wonder as Shannon tapped his drumsticks incessantly against the dashboard. Nervous, I assumed.

When we started up the asphalt driveway, I saw both brothers’ bodies tense as we drew closer to the building. This wasn’t good. I was allowed to be on-edge, and so was Shannon, but not Jared. I needed him to be strong.

I crawled out of the car behind him and laced my fingers tightly through his.

"You okay so far?" he asked, concern dripping from his voice. Looking into his eyes, I realized he wasn’t tense. He was worried about me. I nodded quickly and took a deep breath, shoving my other hand into the pocket of my sweatshirt. Releasing my hand, he pulled the tie on his trench coat tighter and grabbed it again, knowing I needed contact.

We started walking towards the door, Shannon following close behind. Upon arrival, we avoided a search by not bringing anything with us, and then were led to Eva’s room. The nurse told us she had been there all morning, waiting for us. Suddenly I felt bad about being half an hour late. She didn’t know when we were planning on coming, but we could have at least been here earlier.

I poked my head around the doorframe, making sure there was a smile on my face, while Jared and Shannon remained out of sight.

"Pssst," I whispered. Her head whipped up and she grinned immediately. She closed the notebook lying open before her on the bed and jumped up to hug me. I walked fully into the room and accepted the welcome, returning it warmly. I stepped aside, trying to ignore the enormous quantity of butterflies in my stomach as she greeted Jared as well. And then Shannon didn’t appear.
"Isn’t..." she started, looking bewildered at me.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what Shannon was doing.

But he finally stepped into the room.

"Hey," he said quietly.

Eva turned back around slowly to face him, a smile growing on her lips. "Hey," she replied. "Glad you came."

"Yeah, me too," he said slowly. The source of his quietness dawned on me. Shannon? Shy? Never. Or...could it be? Yes, yes it could. They were both acting unnaturally.

As if on a string, they walked towards each other and embraced in a long hug. I moved back to Jared’s side, twisting my arm around his and finding his fingers again. He looked down at me and smiled before nudging his head in their direction. I smiled back and nodded as the reality of what was before us sunk in. My best friend, his brother.

When they finally pulled away, I saw Eva brush a tiny tear from the corner of her eye before looking back up at Shannon. They turned towards us, both blushing, and Shannon gave Jared a look that said, Not a fucking word. We’ll talk later.

I don’t know if it was having Jared there, or knowing Eva and Shannon had something going on, or both, but as she gave us a tour, my second tour, I was more comfortable. I wasn’t as confused, less scared. And I actually looked around.

It wasn’t as dismal as I thought it would have been. Everything wasn’t obscured, as per the stereotypical rehab center that seems to be featured in the movies. There was paint on the walls, color, and flowers here and there. The rooms were more like hotel rooms than hospital beds, and the cafeteria wasn’t as grey as it had seemed the evening before.

We went into a room resembling a living room and sprawled comfortably across the couches. As Eva and Shannon began to talk, I took inventory.

Butterflies in stomach? Gone

Flashes of the club bathroom? Absent.

Fear? Missing.

Things were looking good. I had found my strength in the man next to me.

An hour later, Jared and I left Shannon and Eva, still talking on the couches, and took a walk outside, staying inside the fence and ignoring the mildly biting cold air. My stomach started growling after having skipped two meals of the day. Jared poked me, teasing, then carried me on his back for a while in mock concern. I loved it. It didn’t matter that we were at a rehab center where my best friend was staying for the time being. Jared and I were ourselves again, at least for now, and back to acting like the 5 year olds we were now and then.

I was startled out of my thoughts when I was abruptly dropped to the ground. My jaw dropped, surprised. I stared indignantly up at him while he tried to stop laughing. In one sweeping motion, I brought my foot up and kicked out his knee. He dramatically fell beside me.

"Asshat," I grumbled and picked myself up off the ground. The pain that had been steadily growing in my hip since the previous afternoon was now thrown into another dimension. I grimaced and stuck out a hand, waving it in front of Jared’s face until he took it and stood up.

"Asshat?" he asked. The light in his eyes danced, growing brighter with each passing second.

"Asshat," I confirmed before digging in my pocket for the Demerol bottle.

As he realized what I was doing and I popped two of them into my mouth, he looked alarmed. "Oh shit, did I..."

"No, you didn’t," I said quickly. "It’s been bad, I just haven’t taken anything for the past...24 hours at least. I was...distracted." The only time I hadn’t felt anything was during our time on the living room and in the shower. But other that that, I had been ignoring it.

"Okay," he said, our immature, playful mood quickly shifting to that of love and concern. The evening light was fading, close to 5:00, so he guided me back into the center. We found Eva and Shannon in a game room, hovering over an air hockey table and shouting at each other, deeply immersed in a game.

"Where the hell you been?" Shannon asked smiling as we entered the room.

"Outside," I answered absent-mindedly. I was watching Eva. Her face was flushed and she was watching Shannon. She was truly smitten. She glanced over at me and blushed even further before her face fell, realizing we were here because it was time to go. Visiting hours were ending.

She walked to meet me, resignation in her posture. The fun was over for today. I hugged her tightly, then stepped back. We walked down the hall to the door. I hugged her again and told her we’d come back on Sunday before flying home Monday morning. Jared and I walked out to the car and got in, watching and waiting as Shannon said his own goodbye. Another long hug and a kiss on the cheek. He turned around and waved halfway to the car, then pulled his drumsticks out of his back pocket before sliding into the car. He was giddy, you could tell. I leaned over the front seat, the smile on my face matching Jared’s grin.

"What?" he asked, denying our unspoken questions.

"Nothing bro," Jared said before lightly punching his arm. He laughed and started the car. "We’re getting food," he said, thumbing in my direction briefly over the seat. "You coming?" he asked Shannon.

"Fuck yes, I’m in. I’m starving," came the reply. So I directed Jared through the city streets, trying to find a restaurant where we could remain inconspicuous, what with their celebrity status and all. He pulled over in front of a meter on Virginia Street in my favorite part of the city – Allentown.

"Betty’s?" Shannon asked.

"Betty’s," I confirmed. "I recommend the black bean burrito," I said as I dragged them inside.

We sat at a table in the corner and nobody seemed to recognize Jared or Shannon. Everybody seemed over the age of the usual fans or fangirls. And that’s what my intention had been.

"Awesome place," Jared commented as we waited for our drinks, looking around in wonder at the artwork displayed on the walls.

"It changes all the time," I said, motioning to the painting just above his head. "Haven’t seen that one before..."

Dinner passed quickly as we talked about what to do for the rest of the night. I was tired, but I only had so many nights back here, in my city, and I didn’t want to waste a single one.

Once back at my apartment, I changed into something more "night on the town" appropriate, which happened to be light blue jeans, a black lace cami, and my white skull jacket with a pair of black heels. As we stepped outside and walked down the street to Kevin’s apartment, I wondered at how I had gone out the night before in nothing but a mini skirt and tank top without freezing.

Oh wait. I had been numb.

I shook the memories away again and leaned closer against Jared, his arm wrapped around my waist as we walked.

Sarah answered the door in a bathrobe. She hugged me hello, glanced down at her apparel, and blushed. "I suppose I should go get dressed," she said and darted away. Kevin walked out of the kitchen and ushered us inside.

"Why the fuck doesn’t anybody tell me anything?!?!" I wailed as Sarah re-emerged, dressed, and planted a quick kiss on Kevin. Or, why hadn’t I noticed yesterday? I guess we were all a bit distracted.  Finally, they had realized their feelings.

Sarah shrugged and ignored the question as she dropped into my lap and wrapped her arm around my neck. "So best friend, where we going?" she asked.

"I was thinking Soundlab..."

She looked at me, surprised I didn’t say Chippewa, but I couldn’t go back there yet. She knew something happened, but she blinked and decided to let it go for now. "Sweet," she said, getting up and grabbing a jacket. "Let’s boogie."

"Boogie?" I teased, poking her in the side as I ran out the door and jumped into her car, pulling Jared after me.

"No Chippewa?" he whispered in my ear when we were on our way.

His brow was furrowed in a cute way and I had to stop myself from ignoring the question and kissing him. I frowned and shook my head. He nodded in understanding as I affirmed his reference to last night. "Besides, you liked Soundlab," I whispered. He smiled and kissed my temple, squeezing my shoulder.

When we got there, we slipped in the back to avoid as many people who would recognize him and Shannon as possible. The guys made themselves comfortable on a back couch while Sarah and I grabbed a drink and went out on the dance floor. I told myself the pain in my hips didn't exist and I lost myself in song after song with my best friend.
Returning to the couches, I collapsed on Jared's lap and gave him a quick kiss before downing what was left of my third and decidedly final drink. I was pretty sure a completely drunk Laura would not go over too well after the almost-events of 24 hours before.

"Dance with me?" I asked him, shouting over the music, but probably louder than I needed to. He laughed and shook his head, holding me tighter around the waist. "Having fun?" I twisted around and asked quietly into his ear.

"Absolutely," he said. "But I want to go home," and his lips brushed my neck, teasing. A chill went down my spine, but I set it aside for the time being and dragged Sarah back to the middle of the floor for one last dance. Which turned into three.

And then it was 1:30 am. Usually, or at least in the past, I would have been good for another three hours. But Jared had been watching me dance. And I had been watching him watching me. And there was something unreadable in his eyes as the chills from his lips on my neck returned. So I picked up my jacket from its place next to him and pulled him to his feet while everyone else finished their drinks and Sarah handed Jared the keys. The five of us went out the back and piled into the car again. Jared parked it back in front of Kevin’s. We said goodbye and walked back down the street to my apartment.

Distracted by each other, we started up the walk.

"Bro!" Shannon called behind us. "Keys?"

"Oh shit, right. Sorry," Jared called back and threw him the keys.

"Call if you need it tomorrow," Shannon said, motioning to the car, before getting in and speeding away.

I blinked, not really caring about our lack of transportation. There was only one thing I cared about at the moment. The chills were increasing. I tightened my grip on his hand and we walked up the stairs and into the apartment, locking the door behind us. I dropped my purse and jacket onto the couch, kicked off my heels, and picked my way through the dark living room to my bedroom. I stopped inside the door, listening for footsteps behind me, but they weren’t there.

I began wondering if I had misinterpreted him wanting to come home, his lips on my neck, the look in his eyes, the chills. But his eyes. Misinterpretation didn’t happen, not with me. But we had been together this morning, so maybe I did.

Dismissing it, I walked across the room to my closet and pushed open the doors. I threw my jacket on a hanger and stretched, realizing I was nowhere near ready for bed. I gathered my hair in my hands and held it on top of my head for a moment before letting it fall back, debating what to do. Lay down anyway? Watch a movie? Check emails? And where was Jared?

I sighed and was about to reach for the button on my jeans when two hands landed on my sides and a kiss was planted on my shoulder. Chills. A sharp intake of breath came next as the hands moved around to my stomach.

"Were you…"
"Mmhmm," he mumbled.

"…watching me," I finished, my voice a whisper. I let out a shaky breath as his lips found that spot on my neck that caused my knees to go weak. The same spot he had brushed against at Soundlab. My tease. My teeth hypnotically found the corner of my lip and came down hard.  My head fell back against his shoulder when his fingertips began tracing the skin along the top of my jeans.  My abdomen quivered and contracted, trying to maintain some element of control.  He knew the power he had over me, and he was in control.

“This morning...” I whispered.

He smiled against my shoulder.  “It’s never enough,” he said.  I smiled, his breath hot on my skin.  His words confirmed my thoughts. I hadn’t misinterpreted.  “And then watching you dance...”

I wanted to turn around.  I wanted his kiss.  I wanted to be on the bed.  But he held me in place.  Satisfied I wasn’t going to try moving again, he slowly unbuttoned my jeans and pulled the zipper down.  My hands started shaking, my heart racing.  He was moving too slow for my taste, and he knew it.  So he slowed down even more. He hooked his fingers through two belt loops and pulled the fabric down my legs.  I started chewing frantically on my lip again.  Kneeling, he lifted one foot, then the other, tossing my jeans to the side.  He rose, letting a hand brush lightly against my thigh on its way up.

Once standing, he finally stepped around in front of me.  His hands cupped my face and he pulled me to him, letting his lips linger before beginning to walk forward, pushing me back and towards the bed.  He slowly lowered me to the mattress, keeping one hand on the small of my back, lightly applying pressure.  Once lying down, I immediately reached for his vest, removing it before proceeding with his shirt, tearing at the buttons down the front.  He didn’t help this time, letting me struggle and pressing his mouth to mine, slowing down the entire process.

When the shirt was gone, I stopped, suddenly enthralled by the look in his eyes.  The same look that had been there while I was dancing.  The moon was shining through the open window, throwing light and shadows across his face and chest, but I could still make out his eyes.  My breath caught in my throat.  I still couldn’t identify it, but I knew it wasn’t new.  Whatever it was he had never allowed me to see it in the past. 

Before I could figure it out, he pressed himself against me with a renewed hunger and need, his slow pace gone.  I let rational thinking go as he pulled the cami over my head and the bra from my arms, finally removing the last articles of clothing from my body and his own.

He reached down and brushed the hair out of my face before kissing me again.  His lips were forceful against mine, refusing to leave, his body containing immeasurable power about to be unleashed within me.  The knowledge of what came next slowly drew my legs apart as he positioned himself, unwillingly tearing his mouth from mine.

And then his body was grinding against mine, keeping me forcefully pressed against the bed as he entered me and we began our ascent.

Immediately I released my grip on the sheets above my head.  Unable to resist his body, I gave up the fight.  I felt the quiver returning to my abs, my whole body beginning to shake as I began to ride the waves his motions created.  My fingers dug into his skin, any part of him I could find, and my back arched uncontrollably off the mattress.

Delighting in my passion, he threw his hips harder against me, deeper within me, faster.  My eyes closed and my hands grabbed fistfuls of the sheets on either side of me.  I was afraid that if I let go, I wouldn’t be able to hold myself down.  Multiple words formed on my tongue, pushed away by something new before getting the chance to pass through my lips.  I lacked the control necessary to speak.  To scream, to whisper, to even moan.

With every movement, we were closer to the end.  The beautiful moment that rivaled all others.  Something inscrutable escaped Jared’s lips as he reached that moment, freezing momentarily above me.  I wrapped my legs around his hips and watched as his eyes opened and he began thrusting again, taking me to my ecstasy. 

And beautiful it was.

My heart still pounding against my chest, he lowered himself next to me, lying on his back.

“Fuck.  That was...you are...amazing,” I said gasping.

He laughed and pulled me up on top of his stomach.  “Same to you love,” he murmured.

Not wanting to forget anything about him, and this moment, I buried my face in his neck, the scent of sweat and cologne filling my nostrils.  His hands came to rest on the small of my back and I focused on his heartbeat as it calmed and slowed.  The rise and fall of his chest became rhythmic as he drifted into a light sleep. I lay awake on top of him, reliving and reeling from the past 24 hours, comforted by his presence beneath me.

Okay, so I have posted Part 4 of my other story.  Hope you like it, if you read it.  But I said I'd keep you updated, so here you go.

Link again

I don't like the end of it, but I tend to say that a lot, don't I?  Eh, oh well.
Let me know what you think, if you can.  <33

Once again, sorry this took so long.  But here it is.
I'm not a huge fan of the last part.  I think I've written better, but eh.
Hope you all enjoy!  <33

It's been way too long since my last chapter, I know.  And I'm very sorry.  I didn't get as much written over vacation, due to other distractions, and I haven't had time to finish it yet.  But I should have it done by Thursday at the latest.  Promise.

In the mean time, I thought I'd share with you something else I've been writing.
Click me.
It's a story, without a title, and only three parts so far.  But, if you read it, I'd love to know what you think.  If it's good, bad, or whatever.
And you'll obviously have to scroll down to the bottom for Part 1.
And it's not a fanfic or anything, just a normal story, so maybe it won't interest some of you, I don't know.

But if you like it, I can keep you posted on it when I write more.
Kaythanx.
<33Retro

Eww.  I really don't like this chapter.  And I re-wrote parts of it twice, some parts three times.  And it's relatively short compared to some chapters in the past.  But maybe, hopefully, you will like it.  Sorry for any typos.
And this is most likely my last chapter until April 15th at the earliest, but mostly likely a few days after that.  I'm going on vacation Thursday, and I won't have time to get another one written before then, but I plan on writing lots while I'm gone.
Hope you enjoy.  <33

When the sky began to lighten, I reluctantly pried myself out of his arms, but only for a moment, until I was facing forward. I settled back down between Jared’s legs, his knees bent on either side of me, and he pulled me tightly back against his chest. He rested his chin on top of my head and crossed his arms over my torso.

At some point, I felt his head start to move back and forth on top of my head. Curious, I looked over at the end of the deck and caught Shannon disappearing back into the house through the sliding glass door. Neither of us wanted the moment to end.

But eventually, it did. When the sun was reaching the treetops, we reluctantly stood, stretched, and grinned at each other.

"Your song…" he started to say.

But I didn’t want to ruin it with words. I pressed my fingers to his lips until he nodded in acceptance. Then I picked up the acoustic and walked past him, starting down the staircase to the patio below. When I didn’t hear his footsteps behind me, I turned and looked up to find him. He was standing at the top of the stairs, his hand resting on the railing, and he was watching me, a cute smile gracing his features, making his eyes sparkle.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said slowly. "Just…just…looking at you." He walked halfway down, meeting me, and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me against him. "I love you, you know?"

I nodded against his shoulder. "I love you," I whispered.

He released me a few long moments later and followed me down the rest of the stairs, his hand grasping mine tightly, afraid to let go.

When we entered the living room, we were met with a chorus of "PANCAKES!", three eager faces waiting for us on the couch. Jared simply laughed and threw up his hands in surrender, making his way towards the kitchen while I returned the acoustic to its rightful place.

- - -

When pancakes had been consumed and practice plans for the next day had been made, Jared and I left. I made sure my lotion was secure in the backseat before I curled up in the front, facing sideways in the seat. The entire way home, I watched Jared. I didn’t know why. Maybe I was trying to read him, really understand everything he thought and felt when I sang the song for him, when we sang it together. It had felt so completely perfect to me, and I needed to know if he felt the same way. But his face was giving nothing away. He glanced at me every now and then with a quizzical and similarly probing look of his own.

I had barely walked through the front door when my Sidekick rang. I flipped it open and answered without checking the caller ID.

"Hello?"

"Laura?" The voice was soft, distant, and familiar.

"Yeah?"

"Hi." And then I knew who it was.

"EVA!" I yelled into the phone, dropping my Body Shop bag and sinking to the floor. Jared immediately knelt beside me, concern apparent on his face. But I smiled at him and nodded. Yes, it was her, and I was going to be okay. So he stood and moved towards the kitchen, giving me my space and privacy. "How are you darling? What’s going on? What’s new?"

"Slow down," she said laughing.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly.

"I’m…good. I’m better. A lot better. They say I should be home by Christmas."

"That’s amazing!"

"Yeah, I’m excited. Truthfully, I can’t wait to get out of here. It’s weird, I’m thankful I am here, but I just want it to be over," she said.

"Can you have visitors yet?" I asked.

"Yeah, that’s part of the reason I was calling. Thanksgiving is next week, and I’ll totally understand if you have plans with Jared, and I know you’re on the other side of the country, but Sarah and Kevin are coming here to the center for shitty cafeteria food, and you’re welcome to come…if you want."

"OF COURSE I’m coming!" I said. "Nothing would stop me from coming."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I’m fucking sure," I said forcefully. "I love you girl, I wouldn’t miss it for anything."

When we eventually hung up, I wandered the house, looking for Jared. He was in the sunroom, watching Judas and Lucifer run around the back yard. He lifted his arm, waiting until I was comfortably nestled against him before draping it over my shoulders.

"How is she?" he asked quietly.

"She’s good," I said, smiling to myself. "She sounds really good. And she can have visitors now."

"That’s amazing!" he said. "When are you going?"

I sat up, pulling myself out of his arms and looking at him. "How did you know?"

"Because I know you. I know how important your friends are to you, and you would NEVER not go and see her, now when she needs you the most."

"I think you know me too well," I said teasing him.

"No such thing," he said, leaning forward and kissing me quickly. When he pulled back, he looked at me seriously again.

"Thanksgiving," I said. "I didn’t know if you had plans for us, with your family or something, which would seriously freak me out since I haven’t met them yet, but I have to go back to Buffalo. I HAVE to," I said, my voice getting quieter as I continued.

"No problem," he said calmly. "I hadn’t really thought about Thanksgiving, with everything going on with us lately. You should definitely go back to Buffalo."

"Are you sure?" I asked tentatively.

"It doesn’t matter if I’m sure. Are you sure? It can’t be easy, seeing her there."

I chewed on my lip for a few moments, not completely sure how to react, feel, respond. "It doesn’t matter if I’m sure either. I have to deal with it, because I have to see her. I can’t not go."

"I know," he said pulling me back against him.

"I’ll miss you," I whispered.

He squeezed me against him tighter and replied, "I’ll miss you too."

- - -

When we got up a few hours later, Jared started making dinner, and I took a much-needed shower. When I returned to the kitchen, there was a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup waiting for me. Jared was leaning against the counter, waiting for me. I grinned at the meal, one of my favorites.

We sat down and I started eating, but Jared didn’t. His food was in front of him, but he didn’t touch it. Instead, he was watching me and the look on his face told me there was something he wanted to say but didn’t know how yet.

I set down my sandwich and pulled my feet up on the chair, hugging my knees to my chest. "What’s going on?" I asked. I didn’t know what to expect.

"I was just thinking about Thanksgiving, you going back to Buffalo."

"And?"

"And I think I’m going to come with you, if that’s okay."

I swallowed the lump growing in my throat before reacting. "It’s okay with me. I’d love it, actually. I have a feeling I’m going to need you. But what about your family?"

"I’d still stay here for Thanksgiving, but fly out the next day. We can spend a few days there, as long as you want."

I got up and fell into his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling his lips down to mine. When we broke, I said, "You’re amazing," against his mouth.

"I know," he said playfully, and closed our connection again.

I reluctantly returned to my seat and finished eating, then dragged Jared into the living room, pulling him down onto the couch with me to watch Laurel Canyon.

Following in past patterns, I fell asleep somewhere in the middle. I woke up just as I was being laid in bed, the covers landing on top of me. I felt Jared’s body land on the mattress beside me and immediately turned over, nuzzling my head into his chest. He laughed softly and kissed the top of my head before resting a hand on my hip.

- - -

The next morning was band practice. The alarm on Jared’s blackberry went off around 10:00. A rude awakening, but it was better than 8:00. By 10:45, we were in the car, and by 11:00, we were back at Shannon’s. Jared and Shannon grabbed an armful of water bottles each from the fridge as I made my way to the practice room I had woken up in two nights before. I curled myself into the corner of the same couch, swallowed half a bottle of water, and tuned the world out, listening only to the music. Their process never ceased to baffle me.  It was impressive really.  When they were playing together, it was like words weren’t necessary.  If something went wrong, they all knew.  And they all started over, from the same place, at the same time.  Words only passed for suggestions, and even then, it was a rare occurrence.  After a few warm-up songs, they worked for a while on A Beautiful Lie, then went through a few new songs I hadn’t heard before.

When they were done, and I had sworn what I had heard to secrecy, we went out to lunch.  There was a tiny little diner a few blocks away.  They had obviously been there before, because we were automatically seated in the back, away from the stares of other customers, and they guys didn’t even have to look at a menu.  I ordered my usual large glass of Dr. Pepper, a salad, and a side of french fries.  When the waitress had taken everyone’s orders and left, Jared’s arm snaked around my waist and he said, “Laura has some news for you all.”

I looked at him, surprised and confused.  “I do?”

He stared at me for a second, amazed I didn’t know what he was talking about.  “Phone, last night,” he said quietly.

I blinked, realization hitting me. “Ooooooh that.”

“Yeah, that.  Go ahead,” he said, nudging my shoulder.

“Okay, well, I heard from Eva last night,” I said looking up at Shannon.  His were the first eyes I found, and he had seemed to be the most upset when I first shared the news of her overdose.  Nobody said anything, so I continued.  “She’s doing a lot better, and she can have visitors now.  So I’m going back next week, the day before Thanksgiving, and then Jared’s coming out the day after,” I said looking over at him.

“That’s amazing.  She’s really doing better?” Shannon finally asked.

“Yeah,” I said smiling.  “She really is.  She sounded a lot better, and she sounded happy.”

After a few moments, Shannon said, “Do you think she’d mind if I came out with Jared?  Or, would you guys mind?”

I looked over at Jared, surprised, not sure how to react.  He was shaking his head, grinning at me.  “No problem bro,” he said to Shannon.  “I’m sure she’d love to see you.”

“Sweet,” Shannon said, and took a big gulp of water from his glass.

After that, to my great surprise, Tomo and Matt didn’t start making fun of Shannon and his little-boyish crush on Eva.  I didn’t know why, maybe it was because of her present situation.  But they promptly changed the subject, talking about holiday shows to do around Christmas, maybe KROQ, did they want to or not.  I tuned it out, allowing them to make their decisions as usual, along for the ride to whatever shows they played.  Instead, I started thinking about Eva.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it when I saw her, especially since we would be at the rehab clinic.  Jared knew I was distracted.  He kept reaching over and squeezing my thigh, glancing at me to make sure I was okay.  And I was.  There were just some things I needed to think through.

When we got back home, he led me upstairs and pulled me onto the bed with him.  We lay down facing each other, and his hand immediately reached for my face, brushing the hair back and behind my ear.  We were a safe distance from each other.  Close enough to feel his warm breath on my skin, but far enough that we could talk without getting...distracted.

“What were you thinking about, at lunch?” he asked softly.

“A couple things,” I said slowly.  He didn’t react, just kept staring at me, waiting for me to continue.  “Eva mostly.  And going back to Buffalo.  And how...extremely...lucky I am that you’re going to come.  Because I don’t know what it’s going to be like.  I don’t know if I’m going to get freaked, or what’s going to happen.  I’d like the believe that I can handle it, but I guess I’ve learned now that I can’t handle as much as I’d like to.  I dunno...” I trailed off.

“There’s something else,” he prodded.

I shook my head stubbornly against the comforter, but it was something that had to be talked about.  I took a deep breath and started.  “Remember how you asked me to move in?”  He nodded.  “Well, do you still mean it?”

He looked surprised, genuinely stunned, and propped his head up on his elbow.  Apparently this required being slightly more aware.  “Why wouldn’t I still want you to move in?” he asked slowly.

“Well, I don’t know really.  After everything, with us.  Me shutting myself down, you walking away.  I don’t know, I just wanted to make sure.”

A smile spread across his face.  “If you still want to, I still want you to.”

Warmth flowed through me and I smiled back.  “So that’s one of the things I was thinking about.  A lot, after thinking about Eva.”

“And what were you thinking?”

“I was thinking, what if I told my landlord I was moving out? I mean, it would be sort of weird, not having it anymore, but if I’m going to truly move in, that means I need the rest of my stuff, right?  And why not do it now?”

He looked surprised again.  I didn’t know how he was going to react.  He quickly ran his tongue across his lower lip before speaking.  “What if......what if we just kept your apartment.  Then you, or we, could go back and visit whenever we want, and we’ll have a place to stay. You can still bring more of your stuff back, but it’s not like you have to bring your furniture unless you’re really attached to any of it.  So you could bring the rest of your clothes and personal things here, and just take a bag with you when you go back to visit.”  He sounded excited by the end, like he had come up with the most brilliant plan ever.

I started laughing, entertained by his self-pride, finding it cute.  He was trying to make me happy, and he seemed to truly like his idea.  “That sounds perfect,” I said, and leaned forward until I fell on top of him.  He grabbed my arms and flipped me over on to my back.  He appeared above me and dropped his head to mine for a quick kiss.

“Glad you like it!” he said, then let his arms give out and fell directly on top of me.  I wriggled out from underneath him, needing to breath, and sat cross-legged on the bed, waiting for him to look up at me.

“Take me somewhere,” I said when he did.

“Huh?” came his muffled response.

“Come on, walk I want to go somewhere.  And I don’t have a clue where.”

“Now?” he whined.

“Yes,” I said grabbing his wrist and pulling him up.  “Now.”  He dragged his feet behind me, trying to be reluctant but failing miserably.  Eventually he gave up and hopped into his car, waiting for me to follow.  “Where are we going?” I asked excitedly.

“Hey!” he said.  “You asked me to take you somewhere, so I am, but you don’t get to ask questions.”  I looked incredulously at him and opened my mouth to say something, but instead, I turned to look out the window and pouted.  I tried to do so without smiling, but Jared started laughing at me, and eventually, I gave up.

We arrived at the ocean, the car parked on the top of some relatively high bluffs.  Delighted, I fell out of the car and ran towards the edge, Jared following closely behind me, out of concern and not excitement.

“I’m not going to fall,” I said, shaking off his cautious hands.  “Come on, where’s the adventurous Jared?” I said looking back at him.  He glared at me before grinning, taking my wrist and pulling me along the edge to a narrow trail leading down the side of the cliff to the rocks below and the ocean spray.  He went down first, and I followed closely behind.  Once at the bottom, I picked my way around loose rocks, jumping over the places where rock gave way to water.  Reaching my destination, a large flat-ish rock that stuck out into the water, I turned around to find Jared.  He was standing on a different rock in the direction I had come from, facing the water.  There was something calming and powerful about his pose and his face.  I sank to the rock and pulled my knees up to my chest to watch him.  He must have stood there for ten minutes at least.  I wanted to know what he was thinking.  What he was losing himself in.  Slowly, he took a step back, then turned around and jumped to another nearby rock before looking around for me.  I smiled and waved at him and he made his way over.  I cocked my head and gave him a questioning look.

“What?” he shouted over the angry crash of waves against rock.

“Nothing,” I yelled, shaking my head.  I turned to face the water and he sat down next to me, bending his knees and resting his forearms across them.  “Thank you for bringing me here,” I leaned over and said into his ear.  In answer, he turned his head and his lips caught mine as I pulled my head back.  I smiled into the kiss before pulling away and turning to the water again, basking in the occasional salt spray that rose over the edge of the rock.  I kept glancing over at him, hoping to catch a glimpse of the same power and calm that had been there when he was standing, but it wasn’t there anymore.

When the sky was darkening, the sun falling below the horizon, Jared shook me back to reality.  I hadn’t been sleeping, but I had been in a self-induced trance.  I willingly took his hand and let him lead me safely back up the cliff and to the car.