The chemicals are restless in my head...

You could hear the crowd from the end of the hall. My heart picked up pace as each footstep brought me closer to the other end of the hall, the moment of reckoning. I tightened the black tie around my waist before pushing open the heavy door and poking my head around its edge. O Fortuna was already playing and the guys were standing in a circle near the edge of the stage, preparing to enter, Jared’s back to me. I slipped through the door and closed it lightly behind me, standing against the back wall to wait. Their circle broke and I pushed myself further against the wall, wondering what would happen next. Matt looked up and his eyes landed on me. He smiled, then leaned over to Jared, alerting him to my presence.

I pulled the corner of my lip between my teeth as Jared turned, searching for me. I took a few steps forward and brushed my newly cut and dyed bangs to the side. Jared’s eyes lit up as soon as I made my location known. I smiled quickly, then continued chewing on my lip. Jared slowly approached, his all black outfit making his face and the red of his hair stand out in the darkness enveloping us backstage.

Shannon made his entrance.

"My trench coat?" he asked, stopping in front of me.

I didn’t answer but allowed my lip to leave my teeth, smiling timidly again. Jared’s eyes traveled down the black of his coat to the red stilettos adorning my feet. He recognized them. His eyes became playful as he caught on.

"Take it off," he said, beginning to whine, and one hand pulled at the tie around my waist.

Matt made his entrance.

I pushed his hand away but made no move to remove the coat myself.

"Come on, I’m running out of time!" His eyes were dancing, desire overflowing.

I wrinkled my nose, self-conscious of what lay beneath, but the puppy dog look in his eyes conquered. I reached for the tie, then let the coat drop from my shoulders, landing in a black pool behind my feet. I watched as his gaze traveled the length of my body, from my bare shoulders to the red-ribboned boning of the corset to the white miniskirt to the red heels, then back to my eyes. I found the same heat, the same lust that had been in his eyes in the store was there again.

He pulled me close against him and whispered in my ear, "Why did you have to do this to me now? When I can’t completely devour you…." I blushed as he pulled his head back slightly, his lips brushing against mine as he turned his head to the side. He reached up and ran a hand through my new tri-colored hair; black, brown, and dark red. "Gorgeous," he said. "But you’re missing one thing."

Tomo made his entrance.

"Oh? What’s that?" I asked, finally speaking, wondering what he meant.

He grinned playfully and reached around me to a small table. His hand returned with a Santa hat. "Holiday cheer," he said quickly. It was almost time for his entrance. He pulled the hat onto my head and looked me over again. "You’re beautiful my love," he said in his best Captain Jack Sparrow imitation. His hand reached around to the back of my neck, latching on and drawing me close. He pulled me into a deep kiss but released me quickly. It was time.

He walked to the edge of the stage and slipped Pythagoras over his head. He looked back at me one final time, then ran onstage.

As the beginning chords of A Beautiful Lie started, I walked to the edge where he had been standing moments before. Immediately I could tell he was in his element. He was in the moment, spinning around, his guitar flying out at his side, the white puff at the end of the Santa hat atop his own head bouncing as he did. Any thoughts of me, of wanting to devour me, must have been gone from his head, but they were still strong in mine.

- - -

When the show was over and equipment was packed, we decided to go out. I pulled a red jacket on over my corset and followed the band out to Jared’s car. I climbed in beside Jared and fell back comfortably into the seat. The desire in his eyes was back and he smiled playfully as he had earlier before starting the car and pulling out from the back of the venue. The guys argued over where to go while I allowed myself to get lost in the moment. Things were finally back to normal after visiting Eva a few weeks earlier and it felt damn good. It was the first time we had been out together since getting back to LA and since my hip was healed, and I wanted to make the feeling last. Jared, Shannon, and I would be going back to see Eva again for a late Christmas and New Year’s after the holidays, so for the moment, I wanted to be happy.

After much debate, we ended up at Hyde. We made it through the mob of people outside, me trying my best to hide in the middle of Jared, Shannon, Tomo and Matt, but we all knew there would be something in the tabloids again. The press had been starving for another picture of me with Jared since the first time he had taken me to Hyde.

Once inside, we sat down and ordered drinks. I didn’t feel like dancing by myself, so I stayed with the band, watching with interest as different friends and acquaintances came up to say hello. I was introduced to a few, the closer friends, and absorbed the atmosphere.

Throughout the night, Jared’s hand kept coming to rest on my thigh or shoulder, his touch emulating his desire. It started to drive me crazy, wondering why we had decided to go out instead of going home after the show. Things became more intense when a Metric remix came on of The Twist. It was sped up and much more synthesized, but the words were still the same. As the first verse started, I looked over at Jared to see if he was listening.

I leaned over and kissed him quickly as the chorus started, but he caught my lip in his teeth as I pulled away, holding me longer. I bit my lip where his teeth had been once I was released, wondering how much longer we were going to do this, sit there, anticipating our arrival at home. He reached up and pulled the Santa hat still on my head down over my eyes, immediately bursting out laughing and trying to lessen our desire while we were still in public. I stuck my tongue out at him and pushed the hat back up, my vision restored.

An hour later, Jared finally stood, roughly pulling me up with him. I downed the last of my drink and slipped my jacket back on. The guys took our cue and stood up as well, saying their goodbyes to the latest visitors. By now it was 4:00 and people were beginning to slow down.

We made our way safely back to the car, me hiding again in the middle of the guys. Jared sped over the pavement through the quiet streets, dropping everyone off before pulling in behind my Prius in his own driveway. I immediately got out of the car and walked around the front. Jared met me and grabbed my hand, pulling me up the walk to the front door. He unlocked it and shut off the alarm before pulling me inside and closing the door behind us. He released my hand as soon as the latch clicked.

We stood watching each other for a few moments, motionless. I decided he wasn’t going to make the first move, so I walked past him and down the hall to the kitchen, my heels clicking on the hardwood floor. I shed my jacket as I went and let it drop to the floor, stopping ten feet later and kicking off my heels, also letting them rest in the middle of the floor. I smiled to myself as I heard him moving slowly behind me, following the trail I had left.

Reaching the kitchen, I pulled a carton of strawberries out of the refrigerator and turned around, setting them on the counter. I dropped one in my mouth, the juice immediately flooding my taste buds.

I hadn’t had time to swallow before strong hands were placed on my sides and I was lifted to the counter. Before I could think, his mouth collided with mine, and in no time, his tongue was within my mouth, stealing small pieces of the fruit.

He pulled back quickly and placed his hands on either side of me on the counter before swallowing. I swallowed too and was about to speak, but with lightning speed he clamped a hand over my mouth, shaking his head no. My eyes widened, watching as he licked the red juice from his lips and smiled.

He removed his hand from my mouth but almost immediately replaced it with his own mouth again. He stepped closer to me, moving between my legs, pushing harder against my lips, his hands gripping my sides tightly.

My hands automatically found his face, then moved back into his hair. I gripped the jet black strands tightly as his tongue slipped into my mouth again. I moaned softly, the sound filling the silence of the kitchen.

Disappointed, I felt his hands leave me, but moments later, his vest was dropped to the floor and he pulled back again.

His eyes immediately found mine, captivating me, distracting me from his fingers toying with the hem of my skirt. I smiled breathlessly but it fell quickly from my face as my senses registered his hands sliding beneath the fabric. I swallowed hard, concentrating on his touch and nothing else. I sucked in air sharply as his hands squeezed my thighs before falling between my legs, taunting my desire. My eyes closed and my head rocked back against the cupboards. My breath shook, and then his hands were gone.

I looked back down at him in bewilderment, wondering what happened next. He placed his hands on my lower back and leaned forward, letting his lips brush softly against mine before they were placed lightly on my neck. On autopilot, my hands reached for the buttons of his shirt, working through them one by one. I was halfway down his chest when he found what he was looking for. A wave of shivers shot through my body as his lips lingered on my neck. I was immobile. Delighting in his dominance, he ran his fingers over my knuckles, white from gripping the counter.

Finally he pulled back, allowing some small semblance of control and mobility to return to my body. As it did, he unfastened the rest of the buttons on his shirt and the thin fabric slipped lightly from his shoulders, falling in a grey pool around his bare feet.

He leaned forward one last time, his lips colliding fiercely with mine. His hands grabbed my sides again, slowly pulling me to the edge of the counter. I immediately wrapped my legs tightly around his waist. In one swift movement, he swept me off my perch, breaking our kiss. I ran my fingers into his hair as he carried me, holding tightly and pulling his head back to look at me. He did, the clear blue pools intense with his hunger. He locked onto my gaze, but I dipped my head, kissing him on the neck, shoulder, wherever I could make contact.

Before it registered that we were ascending the stairs, we were already at the top. Jared kicked open the bedroom door and entered spinning around to the wall and throwing me forcefully against it. My back arched as my spine hit the drywall hard and I gasped. Jared didn’t seem to notice.

He leaned forward, his lips finding my neck again. As he found the right spot, my body went limp. My hands fell from his shoulders, my legs from his waist. His hands still held my sides, his grip growing tighter as he supported the entire weight of my body. He slowly lowered me to the floor, once again enjoying his control.

As I recovered on the carpet, he disappeared into the bathroom, emerging a few seconds later with three pillar candles. Setting them on the nightstand, he pulled a lighter out of the drawer and ignited each wick. I struggled to my feet and moved to the side of the bed, stopping behind him. I wrapped my arms around his torso and down to his abdomen, my destination being his belt buckle, but he turned around before I made it that far. He looked down at me, then kissed me roughly.

When our lips parted, he disappeared behind me. I frowned, confused and not liking the lack of contact. But hands almost immediately landed on my shoulders, tracing the bare skin before moving down to the red ribbon marking the top of the corset. He planted a light kiss on my shoulder before his fingers began working the lacing up my back, slowly loosening what had kept me confined all night. With every fraction of an inch the fabric relaxed, my heart raced faster, my breathing shallower. My hand shaking, I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to slow my respiration, my excitement. I heard Jared laugh softly behind me, his fingers still working the ribbon. My body yearned for his touch, to touch him, but his pace was viciously slow.

Finally, the corset was slipped over my head. Before I could turn around, his hands slid up my sides and to my breasts before falling down to the top of my skirt. I felt him step closer behind me, and my head fell back against his shoulder. He lightly traced my skin, sending my abdomen into fits. He laughed again, his breath hot against my neck and shoulder.

He stepped away abruptly, my head jerking up as it lost its support. He stood in front of me again and I threw myself at him, needing to touch him, to kiss him. He pulled me down onto the bed with him, my lips pressed firmly against his. I clung to his shoulders and chest, my hands exploring well-known territory that felt completely and utterly unknown.

I quickly found my way to his belt buckle, and this time, Jared let me follow through. My lips trailed down his chest and stomach, stopping just above the top of his Calvin Klein’s peeking out above his black jeans. I smiled and bit my lip, my fingers nimbly working the button and zipper, allowing his hunger and desire to be free of the confining fabric.

As soon as he was, he pulled me back to eye level with him. He licked his lips slowly before crushing my mouth with his own, his tongue finding mine. I must have lost touch with reality, because my skirt and panties were being removed before I knew it was happening.

With all clothing shed, nothing but air separated us from being together.

Strong hands gripped my hips, pulling me down. My back slid against the cool sheets, a slight relief to the heat of my body, but my mind was elsewhere. He stopped and brushed the hair back from my eyes, running my bangs through his fingers and smiling again at the new cut. He lowered his head and kissed me softly before pulling back. He traced my cheekbone, then my neck before his lips replaced his fingers.

This was the wrong time to be moving slowly again. I impatiently clawed at whatever piece of him I could reach, trying to get him to come back to me. But he continued to explore my body. When his face finally reappeared above mine, I bit my lip, anticipating what came next, but it wasn’t what I expected.

He grinned maliciously down at me, and before I knew what was happening, I was frozen. His lips were on my neck once again and he had complete control. He knew, full well, the power he now possessed over my body, and he used it torture me.

He slowly lowered himself between my legs. I managed to force out a whimper as my body demanded his motion, but he didn’t give it to me. His fingers stroked my sides a final time, drawing a pattern on my skin while his lips maintained pressure against my neck. My senses were screaming for more, for the ecstasy only he could provide me with, but my body could do nothing about it.

A fraction of a second before he viciously slammed himself into me, finally providing both of us with what we craved most, he released me from his hold. Able to move again, my back arched with the beginnings of our ascent as his motions simultaneously pushed me deeper into the mattress.

With every thrust, his lips caught mine and a new wave of pleasure wracked my body. I began to uncontrollably twist and writhe beneath him as an unrivaled intensity swept over both of us. Ending the silence I had begun downstairs in the kitchen, my throat opened and a cry filled the room, my fingernails digging into my palms. Jared looked down at me intently, pleased and amused, before he quickened the pace.

I was driven dangerously close to the edge of release, my body quivering, waiting for the moment. And then it stopped.

I blinked, confused, and found Jared’s face. There was a perverse smile gracing his lips. Maybe he found my torture entertaining, but I most certainly did not.

"FUCK YOU!" I screamed in desperation, in frustration, my hand finding his back, my nails digging in. He laughed, and then crushed my lips with his own before taking me the rest of the way.

Oxygen was forced out of my lungs as he started moving again and I was sent over the edge. I froze, having reached the highest level of ecstasy I had ever felt, but Jared kept moving in need of his own release.

I slowly came down, my body shuddering. When I came to rest, my heart racing but my body still, Jared withdrew and lowered himself beside me, his body half covering mine. I turned my head and nuzzled into his shoulder, the smell of sweat mingled with cologne filling my nostrils. His arm lying across my stomach, he began tracing a small pattern on my hip. He was unusually silent.

"That was…"

"…indescribable," he finished for me.

"Yeah, that’s the word," I said softly. "You’re the one for me, you’re my ecstasy, you’re the one I need."

He lifted his head as recognition dawned on him. "You said that before," he stated, looking down at me.

"Mmhmm," I said, nodding my head.

"You gonna tell me what it’s from?" he asked, a slight puppy-dog look in his eyes.

I bit my lip, debating. "No, I don’t think so," I answered. "It’s a secret."

"Fine," he said shortly, a mock pout on his face, before he fell back to the sheets.

I turned to my side and scooted closer to him. I wasn’t sure what or why, but something was off. He wasn’t being his usual after-sex self.

"Jared?" I whispered.

"Hmmm," he murmured. He was lying on his stomach, his head facing away from me.

"Jared," I said a bit more persistently. He lifted his head and turned to me before laying it back down again, but he didn’t say anything. I studied his face. There were slight lines in his forehead, the signs of tension. Impatience was held captive in his eyes along with confusion. I didn’t get it. "What’s wrong Jared?" I asked softly, the high of being together quickly fading.

"Nothing," he said, a slight defensive tone in his voice. I hadn’t attacked him, had I?

"Are you sure?" I asked carefully.

He blinked a few times, realizing I had seen something in his eyes. "I’m sure," he said strongly, trying to reassure me. In further attempt, he leaned towards me and caught my lips with his. I closed my eyes immediately as I tried to fall away and forget the unsettling emotions I had seen in his eyes. His tongue traced my lips before I opened my mouth to him, allowing him to sweep me away for just a few moments. The hand he still rested on my hip tightened and pulled me closely against his body before he pulled his mouth away. "I’m sure," he repeated confidently. "I love you."

I studied him again, but he succeeded in showing me only the compassion he possessed. I licked my lips, remembering his kiss, his love, his presence within me. I didn’t want to, but I accepted his answer and nestled my head against his chest. Eventually, I fell into an uneasy sleep, his body wrapped protectively around mine.

- - -

I woke with a start, my breath ragged and my heart racing. It was light outside, but just barely. Sunrise was on its way. I lifted myself onto my elbows, blinking furiously to entirely wake myself up. What happened? I shook my head and checked the bed beside me to make sure I hadn’t woken Jared up, but he wasn’t there. Whatever I had been dreaming about immediately dropped in importance. Where was he? Was he okay? I knew he wasn’t, not after seeing his eyes earlier…

I threw the sheets back from the bed and pushed myself up off the mattress. On my way to the door, I picked up a discarded black t-shirt of Jared’s from the chair in the corner and pulled it over my head. Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, I listened for signs of his location, but I heard nothing. Perplexed, I continued through the house to the living room. On the far wall, I finally spotted light beneath the curtained door to the music room. I stood leaning against the couch, chewing on my lip, not sure of what to do next.

Making up my mind, I crept across the floor to the door, my hand shaking as it reached for the handle. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what lay behind the barrier, but I had to know. I slowly pushed down and the door swung open silently.

Soft guitar strums greeted my ears and I stepped fully into the room. It took me a few moments, but I quickly recognized the song. Jared was sitting on a stool in his boxers fifteen feet in front of me, facing the piano. His back was to me. His shoulders were slumped, his torso hunched over the instrument resting across his thighs. I uncomfortably folded my arms across my chest before bringing a finger to my mouth, chewing on one of my nails.

"Come, break me down,

Bury me, bury me…"

His voice was low, but it carried throughout the room, reaching my ears. My body immediately wanted to sink to the floor but I locked my knees, remaining upright. He sang through the song again without stopping before he dropped the pick to the ground. I waited a few moments, but he did nothing.

"Why?" I asked. My voice was barely above a whisper but it demanded his attention.

He must have known I was there. He didn’t jump at my question. "Why what?"

"Why did you just do that?" I said, expanding the question.

He still didn’t turn around. "Why did I do what?" he asked again.

Frustrated, I dropped my hand from my mouth. I stared hard at the back of his head, willing him to turn, but he didn’t. Pushing down my anger, I walked across the carpet to stand in front of him. He looked up at me weakly, his body still crumpled over his guitar.

"Tear yourself apart," I said simply.

He blinked, surprised. But I stood, awaiting a reply. "Because I need answers, and I can never do that on stage," he said, standing up and brushing past me to replace the acoustic in its stand.

"Answers," I repeated, confused.

"Yeah," he said, not offering any more.

I stepped in front of him as he attempted to walk past me again. "Answers to what?"

"Nothing," he said, trying to brush it off. But I wasn’t going to let it go. There was an emptiness to his eyes that I couldn’t just dismiss.

"Not good enough," I said, my tone harsher than I would’ve liked.

"Why not?"

I pulled him over to the couch and pushed him down into the cushions. I remained standing and began pacing. "Do you remember what I wrote in my notebook the day...the day before I bought those cigarettes?"

"No..." he said slowly, wracking his brain as he answered. "I know I didn't like it, I know it scared me."

"Please understand me, I am alone with my thoughts. Please rescue me, I am falling fast. Please help me, I have nowhere left to turn. Please save me, my rapid decline is overwhelming," I said, reciting the lines that felt most appropriate.

Recognition and remembrance appeared on his face as we were both brought back to that day.

"You were all of those things for me. You helped me. I don't know if you fully understood, but you rescued me, helped me, saved me. And I didn't think I had to tell you, but I can do all of that for you too. I want to." He looked confused, trying to organize his thoughts. "I need to..." I added softly. "You told me you wanted me to talk to you, to not repress, but sometimes, you have to take your own advice. Can you do that?"

He took a deep breath and sat up, resting his forehead in his hands. I stopped pacing, realizing it was probably setting him more on edge than it was actually helping me. "Answers to everything," he said abruptly, looking up at me. "An answer to every question running through my psychotic head."

"Questions?" I asked, confused.

"Yeah, questions," he said, his voice growing stronger. "Questions like...After everything I've done, why do I have you? Why do I deserve you? Why do I love you? Why am I not the happiest man on Earth right now? Why do you love me?..."

My head was spinning. I wasn't ready for this. I walked to the couch and sat down next to him, crossing my legs and pulling the t-shirt over my knees nervously. "Everything you've done?" I asked, pressing him for more information. I didn't need specifics, but I needed to know what he meant before I could even begin to formulate a response.

He nodded his head and took another deep breath. "Everything I've done. All of the mistakes I've made, all the people I've hurt, everything I've ever taken for granted..."

"What about all of the people you've helped? All of the people whose lives you have unknowingly saved. All of the people you have inspired. All of the people that respect you for all that you have accomplished. All of the people whose lives you have touched in unexpected ways. You can't lose sight of that."

"The bad outweighs the good," he said sadly. "The good is immaterial, intangible. And as far as I can see, I haven't accomplished anything worthwhile."

"Look around you," I said loudly, forcefully, desperation to make him believe my words growing within me. "This," I said waving around the room, "this is what you’ve accomplished. Everything you have. Your acting, your music. It’s worth everything. This is what you have to be proud of."

"Maybe it’s worth being proud of, maybe you’re right. But it doesn’t mean I deserve it. It means I got lucky," he countered.

I opened my mouth to speak but closed it almost immediately. I needed to think before responding. I needed to find the words that would change his perspective, and I found it.

"You think you don’t deserve your success?" I asked.

He shook his head.

"You think you don’t deserve to be admired, to be loved?"

He shook his head. I paused, not sure if I should ask the next question or not.

"You don’t think you deserve me?"

He didn’t move. He looked hard into my eyes for a long moment, evaluating the impact of his answer.

"I don’t just think, I know I don’t deserve you," he said quickly, spitting the words out before allowing himself to reconsider. His form, hunched beside me on the couch, was lost. This was not the Jared I knew. This was an insecure man who held himself to too-high standards, who hated the person he was and the things he had.

"You deserve nothing more than me," I began. "How’s this for perspective? I am your punishment."

"Some punishment," he interjected.

"Listen," I said earnestly. "I am the penalty that has been handed down to you for the mistakes you’ve made and the people you’ve hurt. I am your burden to bear for every single thing you’ve ever taken for granted." He tried to protest, but I didn’t let him. "I torture you when I pull away. I torture you when I lie. I torture you when I repress. I torture you when I break. I torture you when I have the urge to shoot up. I torture you when I attempt to face my demons. I torture you when I fail. I torture you when you’re forced to put me back together. I torture you when you’re faced with the impossible task of making everything better for me. I torture you when I smash my fist into a mirror simply because my mother died. I torture you when I run until I’m seriously injured. You deserve nothing more than me. I am your purgatory."

"That doesn’t make any sense," he said slowly.

"Yes it does," I insisted. "Think about it. Life isn’t sunshine and roses with us. It’s sunshine and hell. It’s ecstasy and crippling pain. By your reasoning, it’s everything you deserve, and then some."

We sat in silence for at least five minutes, me chewing violently on my lip as I wondered whether my words would work or not. I watched his eyes change from confused to doubtful to accepting repeatedly as he tore through everything I had said, trying to make his own sense of it.

"It’s a bad concept," he said finally. "The idea that you’re this…awful creation that was thrown into my life to punish me. It’s ridiculous. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me."

"Maybe so," I said, forming new words. "But can’t I also be the worst? Your reasons for me being the best thing that has ever happened to you are your own, and I don’t need to know what they are. But I have also caused you pain. I have caused you anger, stress, and immeasurable torment. I never said that I was only punishment, only purgatory. But why can’t that be one of the reasons for me falling into your life like I did?"

Jared stopped to think again, his eyes darting around the room as his mind moved at lightning speed, finally coming to a conclusion. "Okay," he said simply.

"Okay?" I repeated, surprise filling my voice. I didn’t know my insane metaphor or whatever it was would actually work.

"Yeah, okay," he said. "I’m not sure if I completely buy into it or not, but in some…crazy…twisted way, it can fit. It can make sense." The familiar light was returning to his eyes, bit by bit.

"Crazy and twisted," I said smiling. "That’s us."

He wasn’t completely back to normal, and part of me wondered if this was only a temporary fix, but I was thankful for it.

"Thank you my love," he whispered, closing the space between our bodies. His lips caught mine by surprise and pulled me under. I fell into the kiss, into his embrace, and for those next moments, it was all okay. I was his purgatory, I was his savior, I was his everything. I was his love, and he was mine.