Retroambiance's Journals

Ecstasy // Chapter 41

Here it is folks. I don't know how long it will be before the next one. This WAS going to be longer, but then I realized that it would've gone at least another four pages, and that just seemed insane for one chapter, so I cut it at nine pages. Enjoy. Oh and forgive any spelling/grammar errors. I re-read it, but I'm tired, so I'm sure I missed a few things.

Ten minutes passed and Jared hadnâ�™t returned to the living room. Curiosity taking over, I moved through the house trying to find him. As I climbed the stairs, I heard his voice coming through the half open door to our bedroom at the end of the hall. I couldnâ�™t make out anything he was saying, not that I was trying. I had just wondered where he was.

I took a few steps forward towards the door, then stopped mid-step and changed course, heading back towards the staircase. But I stopped again at the top of the steps, unable to make up my mind. I wanted to shower and get dressed, get ready to start the day, whatever the day entailed. But I didnâ�™t want to walk in while he was on the phone. I wanted to respect his privacy. I didnâ�™t know what the call was about, if it was business or not, and I didnâ�™t know whether it would be alright for me to overhear. I usually stayed away when his blackberry rang.

Deciding I was being ridiculous, I turned around a final time and walked the full length of the hall into the bedroom. Jared was sitting on the bed, the phone cradled between his ear and shoulder, and he was picking at the chipped black nail polish on his fingers while apparently listening to whoever was on the other end. His head jerked up to look at me when I entered, his brow furrowed. I smiled at him and ducked into the closet to shed my pajamas and pull on a robe before jumping into the shower. But when I emerged from the closet, Jared was gone. I walked to the bedroom door in time to see his head disappearing down the stairs. He was still on the phone. I frowned and suddenly felt awful, wondering if I had done the wrong thing by coming in. But I tried to shake it off and told myself Iâ�™d apologize to him when he was done.

I showered quickly, dressed, and made my way back to the living room where Jared was now sitting, still in his boxers, his laptop open in his lap. "Hey," I said curling up next to him in the corner of the couch.

"Hey," he replied smiling.

"Sorry about earlier. I shouldnâ�™t have come in while you were talking," I apologized sheepishly, motioning towards the bedroom above our heads.

Puzzled, he studied my face for a few moments before closing his laptop and setting it on the ottoman in front of him beside my new camera. He turned to face me on the couch. "Thereâ�™s nothing to be sorry about," he said slowly.

"Are you sure?" My voice was small, and I felt like I had done something wrong and was now awaiting punishment from an angry parent. A terrified puppy with her tail between her legs. But Jared wasnâ�™t angry and I fortunately was not about to get bopped on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

"Of course Iâ�™m sure," he said softly, leaning forward to punctuate his words. "It was just business, and the only reason I went downstairs when you came in was to get some coffee," he continued, pointing to the mug on the ottoman.

"Okayâ�¦I just didnâ�™t want you to think I was trying to eavesdrop or something. Because I would never do that." I silently cursed myself as I was seemingly unable to make myself stop talking.

"I know." He was being patient while I was being ridiculously paranoid and insecure, and I didnâ�™t know why. "Youâ�™re overreacting a little bitâ�¦" he said pointedly.

"I know, I canâ�™t help it," I said, smiling and trying to shake it off. Apparently, I had freaked out about nothing. We had been together for nine months, but I still worried about overstepping boundaries every now and then despite repeatedly being told, like I was right now, that there werenâ�™t any boundaries.

He reached out and pulled me into a tight hug before whispering in my ear, "Let me go jump in the shower and get dressed, then Iâ�™ll give you your present." He was letting the subject go, meaning I was fine and should let it go as well.

I gave a nod and a small sigh of relief before answering. "No, you wonâ�™t. But Iâ�™ll give you your gift."

He started laughing, amused by my determination to ignore the fact that he had gotten me something else. "Sounds like a plan."

I grinned and kissed him lightly before he rose from the couch and headed down the hall to the stairs. I waited a few moments before following him up, but instead of entering our bedroom, I ducked into the guestroom on the right. I walked around the bed to the small closet. Digging past dusty brown cardboard boxes whose contents I didnâ�™t know, I found the envelope and small red box I had hidden there a few weeks prior. My nerves kicked up a notch as my fingers closed around the gifts and I pulled them into sight. I never enjoyed giving gifts. I didnâ�™t like the element of surprise, of not knowing if the objects would be liked. And I didnâ�™t like the idea of putting someone in a situation where they had to fake excitement or happiness over something I presented to them. I was a little more relaxed about it where Jared was concerned. Thankfully, I seemed to have better luck with him; he was always genuine, as far as I knew, and his reactions never appeared forced. But I was still nervous.

I descended the stairs again, chewing violently on my lip. I set the gifts on the couch where Jared had been sitting before diving into the overstuffed chair and shoving my hands into the pocket of my sweatshirt. I stared idly around the room, my teeth still gnawing on my lip, waiting. I listened as the water shut off in the bathroom. A few minutes later, I heard his footsteps move across the bedroom and into the closet. Just a few more minutes after that, he was making his way downstairs. The butterflies in my stomach were multiplying exponentially.

When Jared entered the living room, he was carrying a rather large box wrapped in cartoonish Santa paper. My mouth fell open and he laughed at me, setting the box down. It came just about to the middle of my ribs. I tried to speak, to tell him no, I wouldnâ�™t open it, but nothing would come out. My eyes followed him as he sat down on the couch and looked curiously at the box and envelope there waiting for him. He pointed at them and I nodded.

"Does it matter which I open first?" he asked.

"The box."

He grinned and picked up the small red, square box. He untied the white ribbon from around it, then lifted the lid. His eyes lit up when he saw what was inside and I immediately breathed a sigh of relief.

"What is it?" he asked, lifting the silver and black gift from its resting-place.

"Itâ�™s a Celtic knot," I explained, watching in delight as he ran his fingers over the silver emblem. "It represents reincarnation, the cycle of life, death and rebirth. I couldnâ�™t resist when I saw it, itâ�™s my favorite knot."

"Itâ�™s perfect," he gushed, happiness clearly evident in his voice. He ran the black leather cord through his fingers to the clasp and fastened it at the back of his neck. Warmth spread through my body at the sight of his elated reaction and the remnants of my nerves fell away.

I sat up cross-legged on the chair as he reached next for the envelope and tore the end off. This was the part I was most excited for. He tipped the envelope up and a handful of pictures cut out of various magazines fell into his lap. His eyes widened in surprise and he thumbed curiously through the collection.

His eyes always said more than his lips ever did.

"Okay, hereâ�™s the deal," I began as he looked up at me with question in his eyes. "I was going to buy you two plane tickets. For you and me, for you and Shannon, for you and whoever. But I was having trouble coming up with where, so I thought Iâ�™d let you pick the place. London, Brazil, Hong Kong, Argentina," I started listing, pointing at the pictures in his hands that I had found in various travel magazines.

"Wherever you want, whenever you want. Just tell me, and Iâ�™ll take care of it. I just thoughtâ�¦you might want to get away sometime. You havenâ�™t taken a vacation in a while, since before I joined you guys on tour this year and then moved inâ�¦so I thought it would be nice. I donâ�™t know." My insecurity was back and I was rambling, afraid it wasnâ�™t thoughtful enough since I couldnâ�™t pick a destinationâ�¦or something ridiculous like that.

"Itâ�™s wonderful, thank you," he said after a few moments. "And of course Iâ�™m going to take you." He stood up and pulled me off the chair into a tight hug. A tiny bit of relief flowed through my body.

"Now open yours," Jared demanded, breaking my train of thought.

"Okay, okay, Iâ�™ll open it," I said, moving over to the box. Curiosity was taking over. "What is it?"

"Ha! Like Iâ�™m going to tell you. Just open it!" he persisted.

I hesitantly reached for the edge of the paper and slowly tore it off. But the box was no help in telling me what was inside. It was a plain, brown cardboard box, no writing or pictures or anything. I looked up at Jared, an eyebrow raised. He was standing a few feet away, chewing nervously on a fingernail but looking as excited as a kid in a candy store. I lifted the lid of the box and reached inside. Jared immediately stepped forward, coming to my assistance, and slid the box off of the object my hands had grabbed a hold of. My mouth fell open as my gift emerged from the box.

"You didnâ�™t," I said in disbelief. "Tell me you didnâ�™t." But it was obvious he had. I set the guitar case down on the floor and stepped back, my hand over my mouth.

"I did," he replied with glee. "You like?"

I dropped to the floor, excitement rising to a rather uncontrollable level, and opened the case. Revealed to me was the guitar I had always wanted. The guitar I had admired in the hands of many skilled musicians from the front rows of countless crowds. It wasnâ�™t the most expensive but it had always been something that I lusted after and wanted some day to have. It was a black Epiphone EJ-200, complete with pick guard etching.

"Like?! LIKE?!?! How about LOVE!" I squealed, jumping up and flying into his arms. I pressed my lips against his, wanting to show him just how much I loved it, loved him. "How did you know?" I asked breathlessly, returning to the guitar and lifting it carefully out of its case.

"Wellâ�¦" Jared began hesitantly, "I checked the internet history on your laptop." His voice had gotten gradually softer as he spoke, but I still heard every word. I stopped what I was doing and looked up at him, not sure if I should be offended at the invasion of privacy or touched. Apparently there really werenâ�™t any boundaries. When I didnâ�™t react negatively, he continued. "I just wanted to know if there was anything you had been shopping around for, like, window shopping or whatever. Things you wanted but wouldnâ�™t buy for yourself. Thatâ�™s where I got a few ideas for cameras, because I saw the ones you had been looking at. Then Shannon helped me narrow it down to one. Youâ�™re not mad, are you?" He still sounded unsure, like now he was the puppy who had done something wrong.

"How the hell could I be mad?" I said in assurance. "I got a fucking Nikon and a guitar out of it; I donâ�™t think it would be right if I was offended. Besides, I donâ�™t have anything to hide on there. The stuff I have saved in word documents is private, but nothing on the internet."

"Donâ�™t worry," he jumped in, almost cutting me off. "I know you write a lot, and thatâ�™s your business. It only becomes mine when you choose to show me, and I didnâ�™t want to violate that." So maybe there was a boundary, but only just one, and it was of my doing.

"Okay..." I said slowly. It was the answer I had been expecting. I knew he was respectful of my privacy despite feeling that he should sometimes push me to talk to him anyway. He looked as though he was relieved, certain that I wasnâ�™t upset, so I turned my attention back to the guitar.

I fell back to the floor, sitting cross-legged, and set the guitar in my lap. I ran my fingers up and down the fretboard, and I knew the intense happiness I was feeling was written clearly across my face. Jared sat down on the couch to watch me silently. I tried to play a few chords, but the instrument hadnâ�™t been tuned and the dissonant sound was enough to make me cringe. But I was content enough to just sit there, getting to know the feel of it. I ran my hand over the wooden top, fingers tracing the flower etching.

I sat a few moments longer, simply enjoying the feel of the guitar in my hands, but my eyes focused on Jared. He was watching me intently, an almost indescribable look on his face. Part of it was pleasure; pleased with himself for picking out something I loved. He was a musician. He knew what it felt like to hold a guitar in your hands, and he knew how that feeling was intensified when it was a guitar you lusted after and that was now yours and yours alone. It was a guitar I would pour the entire spectrum of my emotions and thoughts into, and he was genuinely happy that he could be the one to provide that for me. The camera, the guitar, it was everything to me. I had lost all forms of creative expression when my mother had died and months later, it was still gone. But Jared had just returned it to me. All of it.

This realization was followed closely by incredible appreciation. You could put a price on the camera and guitar, but you most definitely could not put a price on what those two objects provided for me.

A smile slowly spreading across my face, I set the beautiful instrument back in its case and rose, stepping around the guitar to the couch. Jared leaned back into the cushions and I dropped happily into his lap.

"Youâ�™re the one for me, youâ�™re my ecstasy, youâ�™re the one I need," I whispered against his ear, barely getting the words out before bursting into a fit of giggles.

"Are you ever going to tell me what thatâ�™s from?" he whined, joining me in laugher. "Thatâ�™s the third time youâ�™ve said it!"

"Seriously," I said, calming myself and ignoring his question. "I cannot even begin to tell you how much this means to me."

"I know youâ�™ve gotten back to your music," he said, referring to my struggle with the piano earlier, "but does this mean youâ�™ll start taking pictures again?"

Hope was dripping from his voice. "Of course. Itâ�™d be a sin if I just let that beautiful camera just sit there unused."

"I think the last time you used your camera was when your mom diedâ�¦at Dunkirkâ�¦" His voice had started strong as he had been thinking aloud, but he spoke quietly as he trailed off at the end. He swallowed hard and looked up at me, not sure if he should have spoken, if he had reopened old wounds or not.

I smiled reassuringly and ran my hand up from his neck into his hair. "Itâ�™s okay," I said slowly and his face brightened a few degrees again. "I think I sort of cut myself off from almost everything after mom died. There was the occasional song I would play, but thatâ�™s it. I havenâ�™t even written anything more than a few sentences here and there in months.

"I noticedâ�¦" Jared said. "I wouldâ�™ve said something, but I didnâ�™t know how you would react. And I figured a grand gesture," he paused, motioning to the camera and guitar, "would make more of an impact." He cracked a smile.

"Never be afraid of my reactions," I replied seriously before lightening my tone again, wanting to be rid of the dangerously near heavy conversation. "Every girl loves a grand gesture or two." Before he could respond, I tightened my grip on his hair and pulled him forward, capturing his lips with my own.

"What was that for?" he asked once we broke.

"Thank you from the bottom of my heart," I said before pressing my lips to his again. I shifted as best I could until my legs were straddling his. His tongue was begging entrance to my mouth, so I opened to him, my hands running down his chest, coming to rest at the hem of his shirt.

But as soon as it had begun, it began to end. It was like a switch had been flipped, and Jared pulled back.

"Not right now," he said breathlessly, both apology and excitement in his eyes.

"Yes right now," I began to persist in confusion. I wanted him to know how much I loved what he had done for me, how much I loved him. I slid my hands up his chest beneath the fabric of his shirt and attempted to kiss him again but was met with avoidance. Confused and almost to the point of being hurt and offended, I withdrew my hands and crawled off of his lap.

"You wanted it last night and you wanted it this morning, but you donâ�™t want it now? What the fuck?" I asked bluntly.

He looked a little squeamish and opened and closed his mouth a few times but failed to utter any explanation. I stared at him, silently demanding some insight into why he refused to kiss me, but he was saved by the bell.

The doorbell.

I groaned as its ring reverberated through the house. I didnâ�™t want visitors or to deal with a salesmen at the door. I wanted Jared, and I wanted Christmas Day to just be with him.

But my groan quickly fell away as I saw a brief moment of excitement cross Jaredâ�™s face before he brought out the skillful actor in himself and put on more of a frowny, â�˜Itâ�™s Christmas! Who could be at our door?â�™ kind of face instead.

He stood up and started towards the door, smoothing down his clothes and hair as he went. He stopped when he reached the hall and turned back to me. "I canâ�™t answer it," he said pointedly. "What if itâ�™s a salesman? They canâ�™t know I live here."

I eyed him warily from my position on the couch. I knew something was going on, I jut couldnâ�™t figure out what it was. But Jared didnâ�™t say anything else. He stood expectantly, waiting, and the doorbell rang again. I sighed, still unhappy about his refusal to be intimate, and rose in resignation, making my way to the front door with Jared following closely behind. I paused when I reached my destination and the doorbell rang yet again. I looked over at Jared who had now moved to be out of sight when the door opened. I caught that same fleeting glimpse of excitement, only there for a fraction of a second. He looked from me to the door and back again, so I put my hand on the knob and turned.

And then there were two bodies flying at me, and I received multiple bone-crushing hugs from two of my best friends. Squeals of delight rang through the house, but whose mouths they came from I canâ�™t be sure. I was in a state of complete shock that left me speechless. Sarah and Eva? Here in LA? Kevin too, but he was still standing in the doorway, waiting for Sarah and Eva to calm down before giving me a hug as well.

I turned wordlessly to Jared for an explanation. His smile barely fit on his face, and all he said was, "Merry Christmas." Like this was my real gift â�“ the guitar and camera were just extras. Insanely expensive extras.

"But howâ�¦how didâ�¦" I was trying to form a question, but it didnâ�™t work. "The phone callâ�¦earlierâ�¦that wasâ�¦?" Eloquence obviously was not in the cards at the moment.

"That was me calling from the airport to tell Jared we landed," Sarah jumped in, practically vibrating with excitement. She pulled me into another hug and planted a kiss on my cheek. "Goddamn I missed you darling."

"I missed you too," I said, the shock starting to fade. Speech was returning. "All of you. You should have TOLD me you were coming!"

"Awww but this is our gift to you, and gifts are supposed to be surprises," Eva replied in defense.

And then it hit me. Eva was HERE, in LA. She wasnâ�™t in the rehab center. When did that happen?

Wanting answers, I said, "Why are we still standing here? Come on, letâ�™s go." I motioned down the hall towards the living room. Sarah, Eva, and Kevin left their bags by the door and followed me, Jared closing the front door behind us.

I stepped around the new guitar case and curled up comfortably in the corner of the couch, laughing as my friends bent over the instrument and asked a barrage of questions.

"Whereâ�™d you get this?!"

"Jared gave it to me for Christmas."

"What kind is it?"

"Epiphone."

"Will you play something?"

"Not right now."

"Play something!"

"Maybe later."

"Please?!"

I didnâ�™t respond. Of course, I was too busy laughing to answer, but it served its purpose. They dropped the line of questioning and fell onto various pieces of furniture. Jared appeared a few moments later with an armful of water bottles and Dr. Pepper cans.

"So, how is everyone? Tell me whatâ�™s been going on," I asked, aiming the question mostly at Eva but addressing the general population.

"Life is good," Sarah and Kevin replied, answering in unison with smiles plastered across their faces. "Working, of course," Sarah continued, "unlike SOMEBODY we know."

"Fuck you," I said, giving her the finger before standing up to let Jared sit down. All seats were taken, so he pulled me down into his lap. Sarah just laughed and settled back into the couch cushions.

"Iâ�™m good," Eva spoke up, addressing my want, my need, to know how she was. "I was released early, two weeks ago. But I wanted it to be a surprise, so we didnâ�™t tell you. I made Jared promise not to tell you either."

"Which I was not too happy about," Jared interjected.

"Iâ�™m feeling a lot better though," Eva continued. "Iâ�™m just happy to be out of that godforsaken place. I couldnâ�™t stand it anymore, I felt like I was dying."

"Iâ�™m glad youâ�™re out too," I said warmly. "And Iâ�™m glad youâ�™re feeling better." I wanted to keep talking about it, to really make sure she was okay, but I didnâ�™t know what else to say, and a nod from Sarah convinced me for the time being that all was good.

"Whereâ�™s Shannon?" Eva asked, changing the subject. You could tell she was trying to conceal the hope in her voice, but she was failing miserably.

"You missed him, he was here earlier to bring the camera over," I said. "He didnâ�™t stay very long though. We could probably call him." I looked at Jared for confirmation.

"Yeah, Iâ�™ll call him now," Jared said.

"Wait!" Eva jumped in. "Donâ�™t tell him weâ�™re here. I want it to be a surprise."

"Okay," Jared said knowingly before pulling out his blackberry and dialing. Evaâ�™s adoration of Shannon was obvious, and she wanted to be the one to show him that she was here and healthy again.

We remained silent as Jared spoke to his brother. Convincing Shannon to come over didnâ�™t seem too difficult. In fact, no convincing needed to be done. Nobody wants to spend the holidays alone, and since Christmas with the Letos had been celebrated the night before, Christmas alone was exactly what Shannon had been doing.

"Here, let me up," Jared said once he had hung up, poking my sides to get me to move. I sat back down once he had risen, but he stopped at the end of the couch, gave me a look that said he needed to talk to me, and jerked his head in the direction of the kitchen.

I frowned, alarm bells immediately going off, but I got up and followed him. "Weâ�™ll be right back," I said over my shoulder to my friends. We started toward the kitchen, but Jared veered off towards the music room. Apparently the kitchen was too open to the living room.

He closed the door once we were inside and started pacing in front of it. I stood watching, waiting for him to speak, but he didnâ�™t.

"Whatâ�™s going on Jared?" I asked, breaking the silence. Something was obviously on his mind.

He stopped pacing and turned to look at me. "I think Iâ�™m overreacting," he answered honestly, his eyes widening a little bit.

"Okay, overreacting about what?" I was clearly going to have to take him through this one step at a time. He wanted to tell me what he was thinking, but at the same time, he didnâ�™t want to tell me. The entire situation had come out of left field, and I didnâ�™t know what to think.

"Shannon coming over," he said.

"Youâ�™reâ�¦butâ�¦heâ�™s your brother." Now I was even more confused. "Youâ�™ve always liked having Shan around, heâ�™s family."

"I know, I know. But Shannon and Eva? I donâ�™t like it."

"Oh." That was unexpected. He had never had a problem with it before, at least not one that he had showed or talked about like this. "Where is this coming from?" I asked slowly. "Youâ�™ve never said anything about it before, and weâ�™ve both known that they have a relationship since going to see her at Thanksgiving. And you had an idea about it even before that. If I remember correctly, you didnâ�™t have any objections whatsoever."

"Yeah, well, that was before."

"Before what?" I demanded. I was the one frustrated now. This involved my best friend whom I loved dearly, and if he thought she would somehow get hurt with Shannon, I wanted to know about it.

"Before it became serious. Before she came here, to LA, and wanted to see him," he explained.

"We knew it was serious! You couldnâ�™t tell from the way they were acting around each other at the center?" I was doing everything I could to control my volume, but I wasnâ�™t sure how well it was working. I couldnâ�™t believe that he didnâ�™t talk to me about this before now, before Eva was sitting in the living room and Shannon was on his way over.

"I donâ�™t know, maybe I didnâ�™t want to believe it," he said defensively. "Part of me didnâ�™t think it would turn into anything. Shannon hasnâ�™t said anything else about Eva to me since we left Buffalo last month. I donâ�™t know how he feels about her."

"What makes you think heâ�™s going to hurt her?" I asked, fearing the answer.

Jared shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. "Shannonâ�™s just never been theâ�¦monogamous type," he said in defeat. It had been the sentence that was on his mind for the entire conversation. "And by never, I mean never. Heâ�™s never had a serious relationship, and I donâ�™t want him to fuck up and have it hurt Eva. Sheâ�™s alreadyâ�¦"

"â�¦Fragile," I said, speaking Jaredâ�™s thoughts. My shoulders fell slightly as I realized what it was he was saying and that I was agreeing with him. "I donâ�™t like this, at all."

"Neither do I."

"Maybe weâ�™re not giving either of them enough credit," I said hopefully.

"Maybeâ�¦I donâ�™t know," Jared replied, not sounding too optimistic. "What should we do?"

"Nothing," I said quickly. "I donâ�™t think thereâ�™s anything we can do. Even if I said something to Eva, tried to warn her away, she wouldnâ�™t listen to me. Sheâ�™s too deep into this already, you can tell by just looking at her."

"Butâ�¦"

"You can warn Shan if you want, tell him to be careful, to make sure he really wants a relationship with Eva and can commit to it, but if I say anything to Eva, sheâ�™s going to feel like Iâ�™m attacking her. Believe me, Iâ�™ve tried it before with other guys back in Buffalo. It never worked."

"Butâ�¦" he said again.

"All I can do is be there for her if something does happen and it doesnâ�™t work out between them. Okay?"

"Okay," Jared repeated, nodding his head. I started for the door, but his words stopped me. "What are you going to do?" he blurted out, panicking again.

I turned back around, wondering what he meant. I was pretty sure I had just answered that question. "What am I going to do? Iâ�™m going to make peace with this, go back out there, and pretend we didnâ�™t talk about what we just talked about until something happens. IF something even does happen and whether it is soon or in the distant future. I suggest you do the same, or everyoneâ�™s going to wonder whatâ�™s wrong, because you look seriously freaked right now. Itâ�™s their relationship, we canâ�™t get in the middle of it."

He swallowed hard and nodded again. "Iâ�™m overreacting, arenâ�™t I?" But he already knew the answer. "I just donâ�™t want Eva to get hurt."

My eyes widened slightly as I heard his words. Since when did he come to harbor such concern for my friends? He hadnâ�™t known them that long. "Eva?" I asked. "What about the possibility of Shannon getting hurt? He is your brother after all, I thought youâ�™d be more concerned about him than about my friend."

"Iâ�™ve come to care about all of those people probably as much as you do," he said motioning toward the closed door and the three friends on the other side of it. "I havenâ�™t known them as long as you have, but they mean the world to you, theyâ�™re like your family, and I canâ�™t ignore that. And as for Shannon getting hurt, the thought never really crossed my mind. Heâ�™s usually always the one causing the pain, not the recipient of it."

"My point is," I said, eager to get back to my friends, "is that when it comes to relationships, to love, no oneâ�™s safe. We should know that better than anyone. And, despite a personâ�™s best efforts, pain canâ�™t be avoided. Whateverâ�™s going to happen is going to happen, and we canâ�™t control it nor dwell on it or weâ�™ll go crazy. We have to pretend that Evaâ�™s NOT a recovering drug addict and that Shannon IS the monogamous type. They have to do this and make their own mistakes if theyâ�™re going to make any at all. And then, if need be, be there when it falls apart. Okay?"

"Okay," Jared repeated for a final time. "Letâ�™s go."

He took my hand and gave me a quick peck on the cheek before opening the door and leading me back into the living room. Three faces turned to look at us as we sat back down on the couch, but no questions were asked and nobody looked alarmed or even intrigued as to what Jared and I had been discussing. Instead, they returned to a debate they had been having in our absence about the difference in taste between Pepsi and Coke. So far, Kevin was convinced Pepsi tasted better, Eva was convinced that it was Coke, and Sarah couldnâ�™t tell the difference. I settled back into Jaredâ�™s lap to absorb the petty argument we had had many times in my apartment around the television on a Saturday morning or on our way to clubs on Friday nights. They mostly just tried to sway Sarah to either of their sides to break the tie while I refrained from weighing in and simply laughed my ass off, unable to wipe the completely blissful smile off of my face.

Summer Romance

Okay, so I started writing a new story. Yes, I know, I already have three going, and I'm sure you'd rather read something new from one of those, especially Ecstasy, but I really need to write this one. I'm not posting it for the public because there are a few select people (mostly just one person) that I don't want reading it. But if you're interested, you can either add my LJ or writing LJ as a friend if you have your own LJ (since it's posted as Friends Only - leave me a comment and I'll add you back), or let me know what your email address is and I'll send it to you. It's called Summer Romance, and I've finished Part 1 of 7 so far. I'd really like to know what you think, if you read it.

<33Retro

P.S. I've started writing some more of Ecstasy. It shouldn't be too long before the next chapter is out, but I'm not making any guarantees.

Projekt Revolution

I went to Projekt Revolution two days ago in Buffalo at Darien Lake. If anyone's interested in my thoughts about it, I have a blog posted on my myspace. Clikky. :D
<33Retro

News

Hello everyone. Just thought I'd let you all know that I'm home from Dunkirk. It was amazing, as always, and exactly what I needed.

There are pictures and such here at my LJ if you're interested.

I have a bit of bad news though.

It's going to be a while before I get anything new written. A hiatus I guess you could call it. I don't know how long it'll be, but I promise, I will be back. I just need some time.

I'll still be around buzznet, just not writing. Sorry.

<33Retro

Ecstasy // Chapter 40

Sorry this took so long. I'm not entirely happy with it, the ending especially, but I never am.
It shouldn't be as long before the next chapter. I'm leaving for Dunkirk Sunday, and I *should* have plenty of time to write while I'm there. We'll see how it goes.
Enjoy! <33

I woke up early the next morning, Christmas morning. I had had very little sleep, but I knew I was awake for the day. A return to dreamland was not going to happen. I pushed myself up on my elbows and looked over at Jared. He was sleeping peacefully, lying on his stomach, his head turned away from me. I smiled affectionately before slipping quietly out from beneath the sheets.

Once downstairs, I wandered into the kitchen and absentmindedly started a pot of coffee. It was a good fifteen minutes before I even remembered that it was Christmas. I looked into the living room and noted the absence of a tree or stockings. The lack of decorations was something I had been fine with, but at that moment, I missed the lights, the gifts under the tree, and the distinctive smell of pine. Christmas had been one of the few times of comfort in my life as a child; less screaming in the middle of the night, and something resembling pleasant family meals.

I blinked, forcefully breaking my train of thought, and turned my attention to the gifts for Jared that I had hidden in the closet of the guest bedroom. I smiled to myself, knowing he would like them. Re-embracing the holiday, I poured a cup of coffee and walked around the bar stools into the living room. I dropped into the overstuffed chair and curled into a ball, my hands wrapped around the mug. I needed a sweatshirt, but I didnâ�™t want to move. My mind may have been wide awake, but lack of sleep had still left my body exhausted.

I took a sip of the black liquid warming my hands, then tipped my head back against the armrest and stared up at the shutters closed over the windows that separated the bedroom from a view of the living room. It was still early, but I willed Jared to wake up and come downstairs.

Bored, I dangled a hand over the edge of the chair. A few moments later, a wet tongue was licking my fingers. I giggled and shifted, looking down to find Lucifer laying on his stomach and nudging my hand. I rubbed his ears and neck before standing, knowing what Lucifer wanted. I walked to the hall closet and pulled out a thick grey zip-up sweatshirt. When I returned to the living room, Judas and Lucifer were both waiting by the closed french doors. They wanted out.

Coffee mug in hand, I followed the dogs into the yard. The cooler than usual December air was refreshing and helped in waking me up a bit more. I looked to the lightening sky, half expecting to see storm clouds in the sky. It was my first Christmas spent somewhere other than Buffalo where I was used to it always snowing in the winter, and the sunlight slowly creeping into the clear sky was an unfamiliar phenomena. Not wanting to go back inside, I began walking along the wooden fence bordering the yard, examining what Jared had painted over the years. Some things were recognizable, but many were abstract; things you knew held a meaning for him and him alone. I was intrigued as I found new but ambiguous glimpses into the mind of the man I loved.

As I came to the end of the fencing, I searched the yard to find Judas and Lucifer to take them back inside. When I didnâ�™t see them, I looked towards the house. Much to my surprise, Jared was sitting on the steps that led from the sunroom to the brick patio below, his dogs lounging on the grass in front of him. I smiled and laughed softly at Jaredâ�™s appearance as I walked towards him. He was in his boxers and had my fuzzy black slippers on his feet. The only thing covering his bare chest and legs was a blanket wrapped tightly around his shoulders. His hair was still a mess, and I was hoping that he would still have his scratchy morning voice.

Reaching the steps, I lowered myself into his lap and murmured a â�œGood morningâ� against his neck. He laughed lightly and dipped his head, giving me a light kiss. â�œWhat are you doing up?â� I asked as he stole my coffee and took a sip.

â�œI could ask the same of you.â�

Morning voice was there. I smiled childishly to myself before responding. â�œI donâ�™t know, just woke up and decided to get up. Merry Christmas.â�

â�œMerry Christmas,â� he said, bending to kiss me again, this time for longer. In a moment of bliss, I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him close. He warmly returned the embrace. â�œLetâ�™s go inside,â� he said, detaching his lips from mine and shivering slightly.

I waited for the dogs to follow us inside before closing the sunroom door and tracking Jared down in the kitchen. â�œWhatcha doinâ�™?â� I asked curiously, perching on a stool to watch.

â�œMaking breakfast,â� he said.

â�œBut itâ�™s early.â�

â�œBut Iâ�™m hungry. And you are too.â�

â�œNo Iâ�™m not,â� I said stubbornly. I usually made it a habit not to eat before 7:00. The earlier you eat, the earlier you get hungry again, though lord knows I was almost never on a regular eating schedule.

â�œYes you are,â� Jared persisted. â�œI can hear your stomach from here.â�

I blushed and crossed my arms over my abdomen. â�œYeah, I guess I didnâ�™t eat much last night.â�

â�œWhy not?â� he asked, a frown on his face as he handed me the blanket that had previously been wrapped around him.

â�œNerves I think. I didnâ�™t want whatever I ate to come back up if things didnâ�™t go well with your family.â� He shook his head and laughed like I was being ridiculous. â�œDonâ�™t laugh, Iâ�™m being serious!â� I said indignantly.

â�œAlright, alright.â� He held his hands up in defeat. â�œBut now you need food,â� he said and turned around to begin taking things out of the refrigerator.

â�œCan I help?â� I offered.

â�œNo no no,â� he said laughing. â�œI think I can manage waffles on my own, and I want to make breakfast for you.â�

â�œAlright, Iâ�™ll leave you to it then.â� I gave him a peck on the cheek before pouring a second cup of coffee and taking it with me into the music room. It had been a while since I had played or sang anything, and I was craving piano keys under my fingers or a guitar resting on my lap.

After entering, I closed the door behind me, downed the coffee, and slowly walked the length of the room. My eyes swept over each and every guitar lined up against the wall, acoustic and electric alike. My favorite was Jaredâ�™s black acoustic, so I lifted it carefully out of its stand, sat cross-legged on the ground, and set it in my lap. I ran my hand up and down the frets, reintroducing myself to a lost lover. A giggle escaped my lips as I realized that the only song coming to mind was a religious Christmas song, one I had always loved for the melody but whose words held no meaning. I shook my head and gave in, placing my fingers on the frets.

What Child is this who, lay to rest
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom Angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?
This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and Angels sing;
Haste, haste, to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.
Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.
Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,
The cross be borne for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.
So bring Him incense, gold and myrrh,
Come peasant, king to own Him;
The King of kings salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.
Raise, raise a song on high,
The virgin sings her lullaby.
Joy, joy for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

â�œI missed your singing,â� he said.

I flinched, surprised to hear his voice. â�œWhy do I never notice you standing there?â�

â�œBecause you lose yourself in the music, even if it is aâ�¦Christmas song,â� he replied in mock disgust.

â�œShouldnâ�™t you be cooking?â� I asked, ignoring his tone.

He paused, knowing I had him. â�œYes, but, I couldnâ�™t resist listening. Sing another?â�

â�œNot right now,â� I said shaking my head and getting up from the floor. â�œIâ�™m starved. You said you wanted to make breakfast, now go make it!â� I shooed his stubborn self out of the room and closed the door again before he could say anything, laughing silently to myself. Victory was mine.

When I was certain Jared wouldnâ�™t be returning, I pulled out a notebook that I had stashed in the corner of the room and sat down in front of the piano. I opened it to the fourth page and quickly read over what had been written. It wasnâ�™t written musically on a staff or any version of tab, it was just notebook paper, but I knew what it meant â�“ I had written it myself. It was chords to a verse of a song that had yet to be written, but a melody to accompany the chords had been floating in and out of my head for the past eight or nine days, and I had to do something about it.

My fingers hit the keys and immediately began messing around, trying to recreate each and every nuance of the notes playing through my head. Frustration hit almost immediately. It was a bad habit I had. I had no patience when it came to creation; I wanted immediate results, instant gratification, and anything less was inconsequential. My hands dropped from the piano to my lap and balled into fists. If I could hear what I wanted it to sound like, why was it not translating into music? I pushed the bench back and stood up, pacing the room. Every time I neared the door, I could hear Jared making noise in the kitchen and fought the urge to give up, open the door, and enjoy a Belgian waffle or two. Sure, I was frustrated, but the intelligent part of me knew better, knew the disgruntlement would pass. Or so I hoped. I was trying optimism, but optimism didnâ�™t work. I gave the piano one more try after about fifteen more minutes of pacing, but my determination fizzled out and I gave up.

When I exited the room, I immediately saw Jared. He was standing in front of the counter, a fork in his hand, and putting on quite a comical display. He was still wearing his boxers, but there was now a puffy white chefâ�™s hat atop his head and a white apron tied around his neck and waist. He was bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet, quietly singing and humming to himself, his head tipping from side to side in time with the mystery song playing through his head.

I clamped a hand over my mouth to stifle the laughter bubbling up and crept silently into the kitchen until I was standing directly behind him, as close as I could get without touching him.

â�œNice hat,â� I whispered.

He immediately whirled around, fork aimed for my cheek, and I ducked quickly out of the way.

â�œYou are one crazy motherfucker,â� I said laughing. â�œYou want to stab your girlfriend in the face with a fork?! She was just admiring your adorable accessories.â�

â�œYou scared the hell out of me! I think itâ�™s a pretty reasonable reaction.â�

I rolled my eyes and took a step forward, wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing my body closely against his. â�œSorry I startled you,â� I said, my voice sultry and sweet.

His eyes widened a bit as my words reached his ears. â�œApology accepted,â� he whispered as he bent his head towards mine for a kiss. I smiled and turned my head at the last second, allowing him only a slight brush of lips before abruptly pulling back and leaving him disgruntled.

â�œWaffles?â� I asked, peering around his body to the waffle iron on the counter.

â�œYeah, waffles,â� he said, the distraction of our almost-kiss fading as the iron threatened to burn the batter waiting inside. He quickly removed it and placed it on a plate, putting a strawberry and a tiny bit of whip cream on top before handing it to me. â�œEnjoy!â� he said happily, a wide smile spread across his face, and I did.

- - -

After helping Jared clean up from breakfast and spraying the can of whip cream into my mouth twenty more times than I should have, my mind wandered back to the notebook I had left sitting on the piano. I knew Jared wanted me to play another song, but I needed him for something else.

â�œHey Jare?â� I said quietly, turning to face him as he dried the last dish.

â�œHmmm.â�

I paused and tapped my fingers nervously on the counter. What I wanted to ask was intimidating. I admired his musical abilities more than could ever be described and asking for his assistance was something I never thought I would be able to do. But when he looked up at me, an unnecessary look of concern beginning to form on his face, I went for it. â�œCan you help me with something?â� My voice was barely above a whisper.

â�œYeah of course, what is it?â� There was worry in his voice.

â�œMusic,â� I said after a pause.

His face brightened almost immediately. â�œAnything you need love.â�

I led him into the music room and closed the door behind us, strictly out of habit. He sat down on the couch a few feet away from me and I took my place on the piano bench. â�œIâ�™ve been trying to write this songâ�¦â� I began slowly. â�œBut I donâ�™t know, I just canâ�™t come up with a melody that actually sounds like a melody. I have chords, but thatâ�™s it.â�

â�œWhat do you need from me?â� Jared asked eagerly.

â�œIâ�¦Iâ�™m not sure exactly. Maybe just to listen? Tell me if you hear something, anything worthwhile?â�

â�˜Iâ�™d be happy to,â� he said, sitting back on the couch and clasping his hands behind his head, relaxed.

How could he be relaxed? I was the furthest from relaxed a person could be. In fact, I may have been at the edge of a nervous breakdown. But I forced my fingers to touch the smooth ivory keys. I knew music could calm me down, the process of writing, no matter how frustrating it got. Because even though it was intimidating, I had help now, and I hoped that was all I needed for me to be productive again.

I played through the chord progression a few times and looked over at him briefly. He simply nodded in encouragement, so I took a deep breath and, while playing the chords with my left hand, began once again trying to pick out the melody that I could hear as clear as a bell in my head. I lasted approximately ten minutes before getting completely and utterly flustered. I slammed my hands onto the keys, stopping the steady chords I had been playing and startling Jared.

â�œHoly hell girl!â� He was no longer reclined against the back cushions of the couch. â�œWhat happened?â�

â�œItâ�™s not working,â� I said, shaking my head. â�œThis isnâ�™t working, itâ�™s shit.â�

â�œYou want to give it a chance?â� he asked, indirectly pointing out my lack of patience.

I shot him a miserable look before nodding in apology.

â�œDid you ever think of making it minor? A minor instead of A major? It just sounds tooâ�¦happy or something.â�

â�œOkayâ�¦â� I replied, sitting up a little straighter but still uncertain.

â�œAnd how about playing the right hand down an octave? If youâ�™re going to sing what youâ�™re trying to play, which I assume you areâ�¦â� he said looking to me for assurance, â�œlower fits your voice better.â�

I smiled at him and moved my hand as directed.

â�œOne more thing?â� he asked, unsure if this was what I wanted from him or if he was overstepping.

â�œWhat?â�

â�œAre you trying to play something that you can hear in your head?â�

â�œHow did you know?â� I asked surprised.

He just laughed and shook his head. â�œDonâ�™t do it. Make what youâ�™re hearing go away, itâ�™s only holding you back.â�

I wasnâ�™t sure Iâ�™d be able to do it. â�œIâ�™ll tryâ�¦â� I said, my voice trailing off as I turned my focus away from Jared and back to the piano. I closed my eyes and forced my mind to go blank, then once again placed my hands on the keys. I started slowly, my ears adjusting to the lower octave and focusing only on the notes that each depression of ivory produced.

I fell into a familiar rhythm quickly, one where progress was made. I had found two or three phrases that I liked when Jared spoke.

His voice broke into my train of thought, quietly and hesitantly, like he wasnâ�™t sure if he should interrupt. I fell back into the present and my face lit up immediately. â�œThatâ�™s it,â� he was saying. â�œThatâ�™s perfect. Whatever you just played, that was beautiful.â�

I got up and threw myself on top of him on the couch. â�œThank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!â� I gushed excitedly before pressing my mouth firmly to his.

â�œYouâ�™re welcome,â� he said laughing once I had pulled back, sitting up in his lap. â�œYouâ�™re not done, are you?â�

â�œFor now I am. Now that I have something useable, you canâ�™t hear it again until itâ�™s finished.â�

â�œAwww thatâ�™s not fair!â� he whined. â�œYou owe me for helping you.â�

â�œI do?â� I asked thoughtfully, my eyes widening. â�œHowâ�™s this?â� I leaned down, my lips hovering centimeters from his. His hands had just moved up my back and into my hair and he had pulled me tightly against him when Judas barked outside the door, the noise breaking into the moment and into our solitude.

â�œJudas! Be quiet!â� we both heard being whispered harshly on the other side of the door. I looked down at Jared, my eyes instantly widening in fear, my heart racing. But Jared was laughing.

â�œWhy are you laughing?! Thereâ�™s somebody out there!!â� I whispered.

â�œItâ�™s just Shannon,â� Jared said, waiting for me to get off of him so we could get up.

â�œAre you sure?â� I whispered, following him to the door and hiding behind him when he opened it. But he was right. There was Shannon, rubbing Judasâ�™ ears with Lucifer waiting in line. I breathed a sigh of relief and stepped out from behind Jared and into the living room, flopping down into the overstuffed chair. â�œYou scared the hell out of me,â� I said to Shannon, trying to conceal the laugh in my voice, but it didnâ�™t work.

â�œYeah, well, I figured you guys wereâ�¦â�¦busy,â� Shannon said looking Jared up and down, clearly amused that Jared was wearing only boxers.

I threw a pillow at Shannon and hit him square in the back of the head. â�œGet your mind out of the gutter!â� I said when he turned around and gave me a questioning look. â�œWhat are you doing here anyway?â�

â�œWhat, Jared didnâ�™t tell you?â�

â�œNo, Jared didnâ�™t tell her,â� Jared interrupted.

Shannon was finding the whole situation entertaining, judging by the barely-contained smile on his face, and it wasnâ�™t that Jared and I werenâ�™t happy to see him. I knew at least I was; Shannon was like family to me and I was always happy to see family. But if we hadnâ�™t heard him, he could have overheard some very personal moments between Jared and I, which is something I donâ�™t want to have to live down for the rest of my life.

â�œWell, I came bearing gifts,â� Shannon said motioning towards a large wrapped boxes sitting on the couch.

I glanced over at Jared and he gave me a slight nod. â�œIn that case, Iâ�™ll be right back,â� I said and went upstairs to our bedroom to get the gift that Jared and I had collaborated on for Shannon. It was a stack of five slim boxes, and as I carried them downstairs, I hoped I had put them in the right order when I wrapped them. Returning to the living room, I set them down beside Shannon and nervously curled back up in the chair.

The gift was a series of photographs that Jared and I had put together, taken by me at various shows of theirs all across the country. I was slightly wary of giving photographs to a photographer that I respected and revered, but it had been Jaredâ�™s idea and he convinced me that the pictures were good, that it would be okay. I had developed them in black and white, and then we had taken them to be matted and framed.

As Shannon removed the paper from the first photo, my teeth anxiously found my lip and began chewing violently until I saw a reaction on his face. A smile appeared on his face and only grew wider as he opened each picture. The first was of Jared, standing on a speaker at an outdoor concert and leaning down towards the crowd, the microphone extended towards screaming mouths. The second was of himself, wearing a plain white tank top with their signature white bandanna down around his neck, his arms up and drumsticks raised above his head, an intense look of concentration on his face. The third photograph was Tomo, coming down from a jump, one foot on the stage and hair flying above his head, his eyes closed. The fourth was Matt, his eyes focused on his bass, his forehead wrinkled as his eyebrows drew together. He was partially in silhouette, a spotlight shining behind him. The fifth and final photo was of the crowd. The Echelon, Mars Army, and fangirls alike, all with their hands in the air â�“ the family. It was my favorite of the five. I had been in that crowd countless times before becoming a part of Jaredâ�™s life, and I knew the intensity of the experience and the sense of community you developed when you were there. And I also knew the fans meant a lot to the guys.

â�œDid you take these?â� Shannon asked, breaking the silence once he had opened and examined all five.

â�˜Uhm, yeah, I did,â� I answered hesitantly, pulling my knees up to my chest.

â�œFilm or digital?â�

â�œFilm actuallyâ�¦I prefer it, itâ�™s just not as convenient so I donâ�™t use it often.â�

â�œThese are stunning,â� Shannon said, glancing back over the prints. â�œI love the black and white.â�

I didnâ�™t know what to say. I glanced over at Jared, but he was of no help, beaming like a proud parent due to Shannonâ�™s praise. He knew I had been apprehensive about it. â�œUh, thanks,â� I managed to get out eventually. â�œI just thought you might like it.â�

â�œI do, I love it, thank you. But now itâ�™s your turn.â�

â�œMy turn?â� I had assumed that the wrapped box sitting on the ottoman had been for Jared.

â�œYeah, your turn,â� Jared said, stepping over and setting the box in my lap. There was a mischievous gleam in his eyes as he delighted in my surprise. â�œItâ�™s from both of us,â� he explained, motioning to himself and his brother.

â�œYou didnâ�™t have toâ�¦â�

â�œOh of course we did!â� Shannon said grinning. â�œItâ�™s Christmas! Besides, when brother comes to me for help, I couldnâ�™t possibly turn him down.â�

â�œWhat? Help?â�

â�œJust open it!â� Jared demanded. He was clearly excited to see my reaction, so I did as I had been told.

I removed the wrapping paper carefully, and a plain black box was revealed, so I continued and removed the lid. Inside, wrapped in red tissue paper, was a camera. â�œOh my god,â� I said dumbfounded, immediately recognizing it. â�œYou didnâ�™t.â�

â�œYes we did,â� Jared and Shannon answered in unison, matching grins on their faces.

It was a Nikon D80. The camera I had been admiring online for a few months. The camera that costs over $1,000. â�œBut itâ�™sâ�¦expensive,â� I said dumbly, looking up at Jared.

â�œDonâ�™t worry about it,â� Shannon said.

â�œItâ�™s a gift, youâ�™re not supposed to think about the price,â� Jared added. â�œIt was our pleasure, because I can tell by the look on your face, that you love it.â�

â�œI absolutely love it!â� I got up and hugged them both before lifting the beautiful camera out of the box and turning it over in my hands. â�œItâ�™s perfect.â�

â�œAlright Iâ�™m going to go,â� Shannon said, standing up abruptly. â�œIâ�™ll see you later bro. Enjoy the camera Laura.â�

â�œThanks again Shan. This is amazing.â�

â�œDonâ�™t mention it,â� he responded with a wink before disappearing down the hall and out the front door.

â�œI give him five pictures and you guys give me a fucking camera?!â� I exclaimed and spun around to face Jared. â�œWhat kind of sense does that make!?â�

Jared bit back a laugh and tried to answer calmly. â�œIt makes perfect sense. You think those pictures mean any less to him than this camera does to you? You have to stop thinking about price and start thinking about the thought that goes into it. We knew youâ�™d love the camera, and I knew heâ�™d love the pictures.â�

I sighed, realizing he was right. But it was hard. I still felt like we shouldâ�™ve done more for Shannon. He was family after all. â�œAlright fine. Whatever you say.â�

â�œI have something else for you,â� he said slyly.

â�œNo you donâ�™t.â�

â�œYes I do.â�

â�œJared!â� I whined. â�œYou already gave me the camera.â�

â�œYeah, well, that was from both of us. This is just from me.â�

â�œI donâ�™t want it.â�

â�œI think you do,â� he said laughing.

We were interrupted by Jaredâ�™s ringing blackberry. He cursed the phone, kissed me quickly, then ran through the house trying to find it. I collapsed on the couch on my side and looked at the camera sitting across from me on the ottoman. I had stopped taking pictures as of late. I didnâ�™t know why, I just sort of stopped. But here was my chance to start again. How could I ever thank them enough?

update

Just thought I'd update everyone.
I am in fact home from Europe. I have been for a little over a week, and I'm still not done going through the 994 pictures I took. But hopefully I will be soon.
If you'd like to see some of the pictures, you can click here. I might get around to posting some on here in the My Photos album eventually, but that's probably the distant future.
I'm working on the next chapter of Ecstasy right now, but I don't know for sure when it will be done.
I leave for Dunkirk on Sunday, so I promise I'll have it done by then. But writing's going veeeerrrry slowly for some frustrating reason that I don't know.
Plus I'm fighting an intense urge to re-write the entire thing from Chapter 1.
But don't worry, I won't do that. Then nothing new would get written.
So I promise, I'll have something for you soon, but even though it's been so long, it might be a bit shorter than usual just because of writer's block or whatever this is.
<33Retro

Murmur - Chapter 4

The next chapter of my second Jared fic, Murmur, has now been posted here.
Enjoy if you so choose. Feedback is welcome and loved, good or bad.
<33Retro

Eeeeek

I just jumped 87 buzzes in the last four hours. =D
So, thanks, to whomever did all that. <33

I just thought I would let you all know, there will probably not be another Ecstasy for a while. I leave on Tuesday for Europe, and I'll be gone 12 days. So if I don't get this chapter written in the next three days, which chances are that I won't, then it will be over two weeks until the next one.

But I WILL have lots of pictures from Europe when I get back.

Don't hate me?
*bribes with lots of pictures and stories of my European adventure*

<33Retro

Ecstasy // Chapter 39

This chapter is shit.
That is all.

â�œI think I shouldâ�™ve done this sooner,â� I called from the bathroom as I brushed mascara onto my lashes.

â�œWhat?â� Jared asked, poking his head around the door. â�œTaken a shower? I didnâ�™t want to say anything, butâ�¦you needed one.â� I silenced him, whipping my mascara tube at his face and he ducked. Mission successful, I heard him grumble behind the door. â�œFuck,â� he said poking his head back in. â�œYouâ�™ve got aim.â�

â�œI know,â� I replied, quite proud of myself.

â�œYou think you shouldâ�™ve done what sooner?â� he asked distractedly, stepping fully into the room.

I looked up at him in the mirror to find that his eyes were travelling across my body, bare skin exposed, lingering over my bra and panties. I swung a foot back and kicked him in the shin. I wanted it too, but we couldnâ�™t, could we?

â�œMet your mother,â� I answered cautiously. He frowned, sensing my nervousness. â�œI mean, itâ�™s been how many months? Nine? And Iâ�™ve been living with you for at least half that.â�

â�œThings have just been a littleâ�¦shaky,â� he said, still frowning but trying to calm me. But it just made me more on edge. â�œYou and me, Eva, I couldnâ�™t find the right time.â� His voice was troubled. â�œI should have taken you to meet her earlier, I know I shouldâ�™ve.â�

â�œHey, listen,â� I said softly, turning around to face him. â�œI wasnâ�™t trying to make you feel guilty. Iâ�™m just nervous. I mean, this is your mom. You love her. And I donâ�™t know, it just makes me nervous. I have to make a good impression.â� I wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled his neck in an attempt to alleviate his discomfort. He bent his head and planted a kiss on my shoulder, murmuring something unintelligible against my skin. I rose onto my toes and kissed his cheek once he had raised his head again.

â�œItâ�™s pretty damn obvious I love you,â� he said quietly when he pulled back, the sparkle slowly returning to his clear blue eyes as he spoke. â�œSo she canâ�™t help but like you. She knows itâ�™s been nine months, she knows Iâ�™m serious about you.â�

â�œYeah, but does she know that Iâ�™m serious about you?â� I asked tentatively.
â�œAll you have to do is be you, and sheâ�™ll know,â� he answered confidently. â�œBesides,â� he added conspiratorially, â�œItâ�™s Christmas! Everybody likes everybody on Christmas.â� He grinned childishly.

I shook my head and laughed at how ridiculously naÃ¯ve his statement was. Taking me by surprise, he cut my laughter off, placing his mouth against mine. I smiled against his kiss, opening my mouth slightly as his tongue ran the length of my lower lip, begging for entrance. His hands firmly on my hips, he pulled my almost naked body against his fully clothed form, and I could feel his desire growing through his jeans. A moan caught in my throat and I made myself tear my lips from his, but he persisted.

â�œI donâ�™tâ�¦mindâ�¦stayingâ�¦here,â� I said between kisses. â�œButâ�¦somethingâ�¦tells meâ�¦youâ�™dâ�¦regret it,â� I finally managed to get out. He bit my lower lip in frustration before pulling back. â�œIt IS Christmas Eve,â� I said breathlessly. Hands still on my hips, his fingers toyed with the elastic of the fabric beneath his grasp. I stared at him with baited breath, waiting to see what his decision would be. Much to my dismay, his touch disappeared from my skin.

â�œI better go get dressed,â� I said slowly. He didnâ�™t stop me, so I turned and exited the bathroom, making my way into the closet. â�œCasual or dressy?â� I called over my shoulder.

â�œWhateverâ�™s comfortable,â� he said appearing in the doorway behind me. I turned around and looked him up and down. He was wearing his usual sneakers, black jeans, long-sleeve grey button-up shirt, and vest. But damn, that boy could make anything look nicer than a day spent at home or a day out shopping. I chewed on my lip while trying to figure out how dressy he actually did look.

â�œWell I canâ�™t wear jeans,â� I began mumbling to myself, turning back to the garments hanging before me. â�œAnd I should probably wear heelsâ�¦â� I heard Jared laughing at me as he exited the closet, but I was immersed in thought and paid no attention.

When I still had not come out of the closet twenty minutes later, Jared came back. â�œYouâ�™re still not dressed,â� he said, stating in the obvious. I waved him off without saying anything, still staring intently at my wardrobe, but he stepped around in front of me and began pulling clothes off of hangers. I blinked stupidly and him and he walked past me again and out into the bedroom, an outfit in his arms. He returned and I hadnâ�™t moved a muscle, not sure how I wanted to react. He stopped, smiled, and shook his head at me before stooping to pick up a pair of shoes, then took my hand in his own and led me out of the closet to the bed. A pair of grey skinny jeans, a red v-neck sweater, and a white lace camisole had been laid out on the bed, and he set my white heels with the red soles on the floor in front of the ensemble.

â�œNow,â� he sighed. â�œDo I need to physically dress you, or is this good enough?â�

â�œGood enough,â� I said slowly, marveling at his taste, though I shouldnâ�™t have been surprised.

â�œPhew!â� he exclaimed in mock relief. â�œIâ�™m not sure I would have been able to leave you dressed, if I had even managed to get the entire outfit on you in the first place.â�

I punched him lightly on the arm before stepping into the jeans. Apparently jeans would be okay. I made myself stop thinking about it, just going along with what Jared knew to be proper attire for Christmas with his family. Once dressed, the only thing remaining was jewelry. I stepped into the closet again and plucked my guitar pick necklace off of a hook. I fastened it around my neck and slid two silver rings onto my fingers.

When I exited the closet for a final time, I stepped into my shoes and met Jared at the door. He was standing with both of our coats and the keys in hand, waiting for me. I smiled nervously and took his hand in mine before we walked out to the car.

- - -

We arrived at his motherâ�™s house in less than an hour. There were cars already parked in the driveway, the only one recognizable to me being Shannonâ�™s, so we parked on the street. Christmas lights were not adorning the outside of the house like they were on neighboring structures, but you could see a tree lit up through the sheer curtains in the front window.

I stepped hesitantly out of the car and Jared came around to meet me, slamming the door after I had stepped out of the way with an echo of finality. My nerves were a mess. When we reached the door, I waited for Jared to knock, but he first turned me to face him.

â�œWhatâ�¦â�

But he didnâ�™t say anything. Instead, he turned me to face him. He tipped my chin up for a quick yet passionate kiss, his final attempt to tell me that it was all going to be okay before we entered.

The door swung open at the same time he reached for the knob, Shannon greeting us from within the warmth of the home. Love and a strong sense of family emanated from the structure, wrapping me in comfort as we stepped inside. I knew it was going to be just fine.

Jared immediately took my jacket from my shoulders and hung it next to the door beside his own before we followed Shannon down a short carpeted hall that opened to the left into a spacious living room before continuing to what I assumed was the kitchen.

Entering the airy space, I was greeted warmly by his mother, grandmother, aunts and uncles alike. It was a small gathering, and after having been introduced numerous times, Jared and I settled into a couch along the wall. For a short time, I quietly drank in the atmosphere, filled with nothing but support, close family ties, and unconditional love for everyone present. It was something I hadnâ�™t had the luxury of experiencing growing up, and only then did I know what I had been missing. I felt at home beside Jared and in the midst of his family, but something was still missing and I didnâ�™t quite know what.

His mother sat beside me a while later, finally taking a much-needed break from running back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, frequently checking the progress of dinner.

â�œSo,â� she began, placing a hand on my knee and squeezing gently. â�œIâ�™ve heard lots about you.â�

â�œOh?â� I asked surprised, turning to look at Jared seated on the other side of me. â�œAll good things I hope.â�

â�œOf course dear,â� she said warmly. â�œI think youâ�™re the best thing that has happened to my son in years.â�

A smile spread across my face uncontrollably as the woman I was most worried about meeting affirmed my presence in Jaredâ�™s life. She smiled in return, sensing the calm her words had brought me, before she began looking at me with the same intensity Jared often did. I shrank a little under her gaze, but at the same time, I knew she didnâ�™t mean harm.

â�œMom?â� I heard Jared ask beside me. But I waved him off, letting him know that we were fine, and he turned back to the conversation he had been having with Grandma Ruby.

â�œYou know Laura,â� Constance began, â�œJared told me about your mother.â� Her tone had instinctively softened to keep third parties out of the conversation.

â�œMmhmm,â� I mumbled, nodding and biting my lip as I became gradually more and more uncomfortable.

â�œThis holiday canâ�™t be easy for you,â� she said kindly. But I could tell she wanted me to divulge, to tell her more about this and about myself.

I forced my teeth to release the piece of skin they had been unconsciously tearing to shreds and spoke. â�œNo, itâ�™s definitely not easy. But, our family gatherings were never anything like this,â� I said in admiration as I motioned around the room. â�œYouâ�™re family is amazing, and if I had to endure some Christmases without the love everybody here clearly shares for each other, then it was most definitely worth it. Because there is nowhere else Iâ�™d rather be right now.â� I tried out a smile, trying to reinforce my genuine words. â�œI do miss my mother,â� I pressed on despite a reflex to shut up and leave it at that. â�œEven though we had our moments, there was love there. And it feels wrong not having her around. But pain lessens with time, right?â� I blushed as soon as I had closed my mouth. I wasnâ�™t sure why, but there was something about Constance Leto that let you open up to her, knowing full well that your words were bound under an unwritten, unspoken contract. Nothing would travel beyond that moment or beyond you and her.

â�œYouâ�™re absolutely right,â� she said wisely. â�œIt does lessen with time. But I have one piece of advice for you. Do not let it lessen until you are ready. Come to terms with everything that is unresolved and let those things go before you let the pain go. Just donâ�™t hold onto the pain for too long.â�

I blinked, dumbfounded. How did she know? She was intuitive; she knew I was still holding on to the loss of my mother, that I thought about it regularly. â�œBut how long is too long?â� I asked, suddenly desperate for the rest of the answers I was looking for from a woman I had barely gotten to know.

â�œYouâ�™ll know when it gets to be too long,â� she said assuredly, leaning forward to kiss my forehead before rising and dashing into the kitchen once again.

She had left me confused, left me hanging. Aside from a greeting, she hadnâ�™t said more than four sentences to me before knowing what I was feeling, what I was thinking. Like mother, like son?

â�œWhat did you guys talk about?â� Jared whispered in my ear once Grandma Ruby had left his side.

â�œNothing,â� I said shaking my head. â�œIâ�™ll tell you later.â� With that, I temporarily pushed the conversation and his motherâ�™s warning advice to the back of my mind. Now was not the time for analyzing. But part of me wished that Constance had not gotten up and left, ending the conversation. I wanted to get to know her and I wanted her to know more about me. But it was the last chance we would have that night to talk.

- - -

Six hours and a delicious meal later, Jared and I burst through the front door, the sound of laughter following us into the chilled night air. We said goodbye to Shannon, confirmed plans for New Yearâ�™s with him, Tomo, and Matt, and each got into our respective cars.

â�œSo, that wasnâ�™t so bad, was it?â� Jared asked as he fastened his seatbelt.

I smiled widely with the recognition that I had in fact enjoyed my time with his family and my tangled nerves had been for naught. â�œNope,â� I said happily. â�œIt was the opposite. I love your family.â�

He beamed at me, pleased with my reaction to the evening. â�œGood, good,â� he repeated, genuinely thrilled. He started the car and pulled into the street, making his way quickly through the quiet streets.

We reached home in record time and my exhausted body and mind wasted no time getting inside the house and upstairs. Jared followed me the entire way, his fingers laced through mine. As soon as we entered the bedroom, he pulled me back against him, his breath hot on my neck. He was ready to pick up where we had reluctantly left off before leaving for his motherâ�™s. But I couldnâ�™t do it.

I turned around to speak, to explain, to apologize, but my mouth was sealed with his kiss before I had the chance. Already his hands were on my hips, toying with the hem of the sweater he had so skillfully picked out. He stepped even closer, his body pressed fully against mine, and I could feel myself moving backwards, being guided towards the bed.

â�œJared,â� I said, successfully pulling my mouth from his for a moment.

He didnâ�™t respond. He just kissed me more passionately, his tongue slipping past my lips.

â�œJared,â� I repeated, more determined, and I slid my hands down his chest between us, pushing lightly against him.

â�œWhat?â� he mumbled, finally stepping back. The look in his eyes was one of pure confusion.

I bit my lip, not wanting to turn him down. But I wasnâ�™t there with him; I wasnâ�™t in the right state of mind. And this time, his touch couldnâ�™t take me there. â�œI canâ�™t Jare, Iâ�™m sorry. Not right now.â�

His face fell a little, but disappointment was soon replaced with concern in his eyes. â�œWhatâ�™s wrong?â� he asked quietly.

â�œIâ�™m justâ�¦thereâ�™s just too much shit in my head,â� I said quickly, stepping into the closet and shedding my clothes before slipping into a pair of blue plaid flannels and one of his black t-shirts. When I emerged, he watched me walk to the opposite side of the bed and lay down. He cocked his head slightly, deciding if and when to say anything else, to push the issue, but he first changed out of his clothes as well. When he laid down, I rolled over to look at him, knowing I needed to explain.

â�œI think I get it,â� he said before I could speak.

â�œYou get what?â�

â�œItâ�™s whatever my mom was talking to you about, right?â�

I could hear the beginnings of anger in his voice as he thought his mother had upset me, but it was only half true. â�œNot completely,â� I answered cautiously. â�œShe spoke about my mother and about how this holiday, or any holiday, isnâ�™t easy without her.â� Concrete anger flared in his face, so I kept going. â�œBut it was okay. It felt right, telling her that I missed my mom but that I didnâ�™t want to be anywhere else than there, with you and your family. Even though thatâ�™s the truth, I couldnâ�™t help but keep missing my mom. And as right as Christmas with your family felt, it still felt as though I should have been back in Buffalo at a traditional, dysfunctional family gathering to celebrate the holiday. And none of that is your momâ�™s fault.â�

I sensed him calm down a little as I spoke, and he reached a hand to my face, his fingers lightly landing on my cheek. â�œIâ�™m sorry,â� he said slowly, quietly. â�œThe thought had crossed my mind, but I didnâ�™t want to bring it up unless I could tell that you were having a real problem with it. I didnâ�™t know until we got back here.â�

â�œItâ�™s okay, truly,â� I assured him. â�œYour mom, she told me that I need to come to terms withâ�¦all of it, with everything, before I should let the pain go. And that I shouldnâ�™t wait too long. So thatâ�™s what Iâ�™m going to try to do.â�
â�œOkay. Iâ�™m here for you, you know.â�

â�œI know,â� I said smiling, leaning forward to kiss him lightly. â�œI might just take you up on that.â�

Jared didnâ�™t respond after that. He pulled me gently across the sheets and I pressed my face into his chest. It was a habit I had mostly when I wanted comfort. He willingly complied, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me even closer.

â�œLaura?â� I heard him murmur above me. I nodded my head against him in response. â�œMerry Christmas,â� he said.

I smiled and turned my head to the side so my words could be understood. â�œMerry Christmas Jared,â� I whispered before burrowing back into him and falling quickly into a deep sleep.

Murmur update

Chapter 3 of my new fic Murmur is now up at my writing LJ.
I'm not a huge fan of the dialogue, but that's nothing new. And then ending seems abrupt.

Anyway, I PROMISE I will have another chapter of Ecstasy up soon. I've started it, but the writing is going slowly even though exams are now over.

Feedback and opinions would be greatly loved...<33